Dear Diary (& Listeners),
You know the saying "If you don't use it, you lose it"...
First off, I want to go on the record and call BULLSHIT.
Why? I'm glad you asked!
When I first met Dick, he was entranced with my brain. He loved the way I thought, spoke, and saw the world. He would tell me, even as recent as June of 2023- that I was the smartest woman he had ever met.
I ate that shit up.
As our relationship progressed, it seemed that the very thing he loved so much about me, threatened him. He no longer asked my advice about complex matters. My opinions were shot down and even criticized.
Which leads me to another question: How do you starve a dog to death?
I know...You're like AMANDA...what?!
I listened to a talk Dr. Jordan Peterson gave with Sean & Saxony Whalen the other day. He asked this question and here's why it's relevant.
Starving a dog to death is simple. All you have to do is swat it on its nose with a newspaper every time it goes to eat. After about 50 times, the dog will stop eating and eventually perish.
The same is true for humans.
Dick figuratively swatted me on my nose every time I used my brain in a way that he couldn't. Dissect that how you may; jealousy, dominance, or just plain hatred- it fucked me up.
I found myself in this space where I would ignore my creative thoughts, my opinions, my views, and my expertise. I rarely spoke up and on the rare occasion he would ask me for my advice- I actually found hard to articulate my thoughts.
If you don't use it, you lose it.
That saying scared the SHIT out of me. I thought I would never regain my ability to create complex thought process. It made me sad. It made me scared. It made me a slave to him and his approval.
As I sit here typing to you today, I can proudly affirm that if you don't use it, you won't lose it. My brain is operating at what seems like 150% these days. So much so, that I can see why all of this was entirely necessary.
Cruel. Abusive. Villanous.
But 100% necessary for me to become the woman I knew I was destined to be. I had lost my faith. Given up on God simply because years of my prayers weren't answered.
The happiest realization I've had since regaining my functional nerd-brain is that God actually DID answer my prayers. I couldn't see it then, but I see it now. He will never bring you to something; he won't bring you through.
In Episode 7: Rocky-Road Trip you will join my best friend of 20 years, Marissa and I as we navigate leaving Phoenix, AZ to start our cross country road trip. Join us as we talk about this quest to find a less "depressive" home base, what happens along the way, and revisit some topics from past episodes. You will finally get to hear the perspective of someone close to me. And when I say she holds NOTHING back...I mean it.
Forever Speaking My Truth,
Amanda L. Arnier, MLS
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Music By: Ashley England
Sound Production: Amanda Arnier, MLS
Guest: Marissa
Podcast Website: www.TheDichotomyDiaries.com
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