“So I was really accepting of the idea of not having kids, and I was settled and happy with that. And when he was the one who brought [the idea of starting to try] up, I was like: “Ooh, it’s my in.” And that’s how I knew… It was like, ooh, Look at your reaction; you do want this.” - Ellie Bernstein

Ellie didn’t realize she was cockblocking her own feelings about having kids. Yes, you heard that correctly. I said cockblocking. Let me elaborate:

A decade into a satisfying marriage to a partner who didn’t want kids, Ellie was pretty sure she was happy with her childfree life. Then, her husband surprised her by saying, “Let’s try.” Her instant emotional reaction in that moment gave her a long-debated and awaited answer.

In addition to that moment of — um, emotional un-cock-blocking — Ellie opens up about the whole range of feelings she’s had over her journey towards and through parenthood… from loving  ambivalence to certainty … to her WOW identity shift upon giving birth… to the paradox of being a head-over-heels mom while not being a baby person... and to her current ambivalence about whether or not to have a second child.

And as two only children who happen to be married to only children(!) — we talk about how the feelings and experiences of our partners and peers have informed our own decision-making about parenthood.

Ellie can be found @elliebernstein on Instagram.

I mention “vagina economist” Emily Oster at the beginning of the episode. She can be found on Instragram at @profemilyoster. The books she has written are called Expecting Better, Cribsheet, and The Family Firm.