“So I was really accepting of the idea of not having kids, and I was settled and happy with that. And when he was the one who brought [the idea of starting to try] up, I was like: “Ooh, it’s my in.” And that’s how I knew… It was like, ooh, Look at your reaction; you do want this.” - Ellie BernsteinEllie didn’t realize she was cockblocking her own feelings about having kids. Yes, you heard that correctly. I said cockblocking. Let me elaborate: A decade into a satisfying marriage to a partner who didn’t want kids, Ellie was pretty sure she was happy with her childfree life. Then, her husband surprised her by saying, “Let’s try.” Her instant emotional reaction in that moment gave her a long-debated and awaited answer. In addition to that moment of — um, emotional un-cock-blocking — Ellie opens up about the whole range of feelings she’s had over her journey towards and through parenthood… from loving  ambivalence to certainty … to her WOW identity shift upon giving birth… to the paradox of being a head-over-heels mom while not being a baby person... and to her current ambivalence about whether or not to have a second child.And as two only children who happen to be married to only children(!) — we talk about how the feelings and experiences of our partners and peers have informed our own decision-making about parenthood. Ellie can be found @elliebernstein on Instagram.I mention “vagina economist” Emily Oster at the beginning of the episode. She can be found on Instragram at @profemilyoster. The books she has written are called Expecting Better, Cribsheet, and The Family Firm.

In this episode, my husband Joe and I do a visualization exercise going through the decades of our lives, imagining what it would be like in each decade to have children any to not have children.When my friend and previous podcast interviewee, Evan, did this exercise with his wife, he had a clear answer at the end of it: life with kids is the way forward for him.Joey and I had a different experience. And, this conversation was only the starting point.

"This goes back to a weird ass dream I had in college where I was like, some people are afraid of death, or some people are afraid of flying or public speaking. I had this dream where it's like, none of that scared me. What scared me was failing as a dad."Evan always assumed he'd be a father, but despite his success in other areas of life (like a strong marriage and solid career), he was also deeply afraid of failing in this crucial role. Evan talks about fears that many of us can relate to, like:What if I don't have a good relationship with my kids?What will parenting do to my relationship with my spouse… and our careers and lifestyle?What if there's never a right time? We talk about how journaling, thinking, praying, counseling—and, fittingly, some self-parenting—helped him work through those fears and decide he was ready. And now as the dad of a young daughter, Evan gets real in retrospect about vision vs. reality, trade-offs, and how parents can cope during those less-than-dreamlike moments.Questions to ask as you listen:What beliefs about the kind of parent you might be are influencing your thoughts on parenting?How were you raised? What beliefs about the ways to raise children were instilled in you? If you thought about raising children from scratch and not from the starting point of those ingrained beliefs, how would you do it?Who are the people around you that you can lean on for support now, as you’re thinking about parenthood, as well as if you decide to become a parent or don’t.Intention. Evan talks A LOT about being intentional - as a parent, as a spouse, as a communicator. What are you being intentional about vs. what are you reacting to?Resources:Enneagram - https://www.truity.com/The Wright Foundation for the Realization of Human Potential - wrightfoundation.org - this is where I do my group emotional intelligence coaching, as well as individual coaching. They also have a year-long program called the Year of More that was transformational for me. I am available as a resource (and a coach), always! @krissmac on Instagram.

In this episode, I share a series of moments throughout my life that stand out as pivotal moments in my ambivalence: The shocking thing I learned at 6 and my executive decision at that early age.My role model for becoming a mother late in life.My twenties and the time of avoiding pregnancy like the plague.My 29th birthday and the expiration date I stickered on myself.How a conversation with a stranger on a hike opened my eyes to the idea I didn’t HAVE to be a parent to lead a fulfilling life.Ongoing checkpoints with my husband and the moment we were no longer on the same page.How a book, a visit to Poland, and spending time with children all came together with a clear “I could do this” about motherhood.In this episode, I also share the pregnancy goal I set at the beginning of 2022, some of my emotional journey over the last two weeks, and what’s happening with me right now on this journey.

“It’s hard to quantify a feeling you haven’t experienced yet. So much of deciding to have kids is deciding to let go and have faith you will love these little humans and it’s going to be worth all of the sacrifice and effort.” - AlissaAlissa was ambivalent about children, until she started trying to have one and the process didn’t work out as expected. Then she got competitive.Alissa talks about how acknowledging she did, in fact, want children meant she was admitting something was missing in her well-rounded, friend-filled, full life. And that meant a big change. We talk about how working with a therapist helped her get clear on her feelings, then how a conversation with a French stranger in Norway challenged her thinking and gave her the confidence to move forward with ‘trying’ (the unprotected sex kind of trying). And when that didn't work, all the steps she took and the competitiveness she felt during her journey.Finally, she talks about how once her daughter was born, she tried to protect herself from getting too attached to her daughter, not believing it had actually happened. This conversation is about her decision to dive into the unknown to have children and all the feelings that accompany that.

In this co-interview with my good friend, Caitlin Nisos, Caitlin talks about her big aspirations, how social change and impacting the world has been at the top of her to-do list, how she sees herself as a spiritual mom or community mom. But now, at almost 40, she’s looking at whether she wants to experience the incredible life experience that people with uteruses can have - carry and birth a child.We talk about her ambivalence around motherhood, the voices that made her question her mothering, and how having someone around when we’re older could be really nice.We also talk about how I’ve been courting this idea of motherhood, building trust with it and my body (and listening to my body!), and mothering myself along the way.We dive into the ways we can really live the lives we want regardless of whether we have children or not, how it’s up to us to meet our greatest yearnings, and to create a satisfying as hell life.

In our very binary society, we've got the women who have always wanted to be mothers and the women who have made the decision not to be. We don't talk a lot about the ambivalent, questioning, on-the-fence women. I am one of those women. And I'm 38 (almost 39) and I have been on a 3-year journey moving towards motherhood. This episode kicks off a whole season of my very personal story: how my identity is changing as I pursue this thing (motherhood) I'm still figuring out.It sets the stage for the entire season: who am I? Why am I telling my story about my journey towards motherhood? What will this podcast be and what won't it be? What are some of the topics I'm considering covering in future episodes? And, I make a call to you all to tell me what YOU want to hear about. Yes, learning about vag juice is on the list. If there are specific topics you want to hear about, reach out on Instagram @krissmac!

"Sometimes my thoughts would get so loud, I would hear them echo in my apartment… It’s how I discovered how mean I had been to myself for a long time and how I was using that self talk to keep me going in the corporate setting… but then I realized this will not serve you any more.”Christina left everything behind - her family, her uber successful corporate job, the man she thought she might marry - to spend two years in Japan. There, the voices that had kept her focused in the high-paced corporate world were drowning her. She gives specific examples of self talk that was damaging to her, how she started talking to herself instead, and how she continues to choose words that heal over words that kill.We discuss her big learnings from her two years of travel, including this big one of “What got you here won’t get you there.”We talk about how to expand the life toolbox you have available to you and how the same three tools you’ve been using won’t work in new situations going forward. We go deep into the re-entry process after a big life experience and how hard it can be to come back when you’ve fundamentally changed, your thinking has shifted, and the people you’re coming back to may not have changed as much. How vulnerable it can feel to share about those changes. How we’ve made ourselves small or taken ourselves out of the center of attention for fear of being too much when talking about our experiences. And we vision into what is the fullest expression of Christina and me?Find Christina at christina.bellevue@gmail.com or ninon_belle on Instagram.

“Things are happening in my subconscious that take time to digest and integrate before they’ve landed and settled and become part of me and my experience of life.”In this conversation with the one and only Ryan Alan Jones, we discuss the eye opening journey of drugs. This journey has led him to a new understanding of God, society, and his true, higher self. Instagram:@mr.ladysmithWebsite:https://www.raj.coach/Mentioned Reads:The Old TestamentOther Fun Mentions:Gabrielle Roth 5 Rhythms Dance

“You start planting good seeds, good flowers, good plants and removing the ones that are useless…then you just keep nurturing them.”Tarik El Assal left his life in Morocco behind to move to Canada two days before the pandemic hit. The self awareness practices he has developed through yoga, Islam, and voracious consumption of personal growth books have helped him stay resilient, positive, and growthful during this strange and difficult year.Instagram and YouTube: @holistictarikLinkedIn: tarikelassal or https://www.linkedin.com/in/tarikelassal/Sign up for Tarik’s virtual yoga classes: http://bit.ly/newstusignupMentioned Reads:Molecules of Emotion by Dr. Candace PertThe Miracle of Self Discipline by Brian TraceyYoga:- The Ultimate Yogi Program by Travis Eliot (@realtraviseliot)- Alonso Aguilera (@shri.ganeshwar)Self-help:- Audiobook mentioned: The Miracle of Self-Discipline by Brian Tracy (@thebriantracy)- Wim Hof (@iceman_hof), David Goggins (@davidgoggins)- Stoic philosophy (start with this book: Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday)

“No matter how small I was, no matter how difficult life may be, you always have the opportunity to impact others.”Blake Hudson is no stranger to speaking his truth with others. In this episode, I get the chance to speak with Blake about his journey with public speaking, politics, consistency, and everyday self reminders that shape his mindset. Instagram and Twitter:@onebrightblakeLinkedIn:Blake HudsonMentioned Reads:“The Big Leap” by Gay Hendricks

Natalie Nixon:“I was about access to a different environment and to really be channeled to blow up the system.”Natalie and I dive into a conversation about the moment she found direction in her “loopy” world, why creativity dies as we get older, and how intuition plays a role in business. Instagram and Twitter: @natwnixonFree Sample chapter of The Creativity Leap:  bit.ly/tclfreeThe WonderRigor™️ Tip Sheet: bit.ly/wrtipsheetWebsite: https://www.figure8thinking.com/about/Mentioned Reads: The Creativity Leap: Unleash Curiosity, Improvisation, and Intuition at Work By Natalie NixonWhen by Daniel Pink

"I was curious. What else is there to life rather than this dry existence I was just grinding?"In this conversation with my friend Sammi, we discuss her inspiring decision to evaluate her life and make a major change. This change was sobriety. Over the last three years, this journey has led her to more nourishment, presence, feelings, and living. Instagram: sammibarkzFacebook: Sammi BarksConversations with Sammi: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/conversations-with-sammi/id1514983432https://open.spotify.com/show/7I1hE2Yx0bjG41KLfzlOdqWebsites to Check Out:https://wrightfoundation.org/https://morelifetraining.com/

“My compass at that point was so oriented toward what I thought I was supposed to be doing and so disconnected from what I wanted to be doing. Now, the pieces I feel disconnected from are getting smaller and the pieces I feel engaged by and lit up by are growing and growing and growing!” Drew Davis is a Harvard undergrad, Booth MBA, wicked smart restaurateur, chef, storyteller, triathlete, spoken-word artist, and dad. We talk about his big huh moment, how to stop following society's shoulds and start following ourselves, and his motto “if it makes no sense, it’s perfect."Find Drew's spoken word, rap, and writing on Instagram @dewsybluesy.And, we talk about Byron Katie "The Work," which you can read more about here: https://thework.com/

"Getting pregnant and having a baby and carrying a baby to term wasn't something that I could just try a little harder and get it under control."Ashley Chi is a mother, wife, and lawyer who opens up about how her experiences preparing for the LSATS couldn't prepare her for the trials of pregnancy. In this episode, Ashley takes us on her journey in which she realizes that not everything in life can be controlled.

"When you're alone and don't have any action going on around you, you don't have anything to do. You just focus on yourself. That was the moment I dreaded the most because that was the moment that I had to battle my demons." Aya Alsaqaf is a 19-year-old computer science student in Kuwait with the wisdom of a 90-year-old monk. She opens up about the taboos about mental health in the Middle East, how she has battled these taboos, the pressures of student life, and the strategies she uses on a daily basis to check in with herself.  Whether you're 20 like Aya, 37 like me, or in your fifth or sixth decade, this episode is for you. We have so much to learn from each other.

“My biggest obstacle is me.” Sonja Dakic is a Serbian entrepreneur who started the first cloth diaper company in the region with zero business experience but a need she felt she had to solve after the birth of her first child and the mountains of waste she was creating. Over the course of her journey as a founder, she learned she was the biggest thing holding her back.  We discuss this journey, her Ted Talk, and how she redefined success for herself post burnout. TedTalk: https://www.tedxvienna.at/watch/10-things-we-should-learn-from-children-about-entrepreneurship-sonja-dakic-tedxvienna/Personal Website: https://www.sonjadakic.com/LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/sonja-dakic/?originalSubdomain=rs

“I yearn for this idea of doing while I’m being and being while I’m doing.” Welcome to the very first podcast for askHUH? We'd like to introduce you to our first special guest, Nate Kirby. Join us in a discussion about Nate's own unique experiences with vulnerability and the way it relates to the idea of manhood. Nate runs two popular Facebook Groups:Self-Compassion/Kristin Neff (unofficial): https://www.facebook.com/groups/MindfulSelfCompassionDare To Lead (TM) Discussion Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/471573486689308