Hey there, it’s Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 28 and we’re going to talk about what self-sabotage is and why we do it as trauma survivors.

I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma and Resiliency Life Coach, a Certified Trauma Support Specialist, Advocate, and someone with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.

Alright, let’s dive in!

Did you ever have a time in your life where things are going well, great even. You are doing well, feeling positive about how things are going. This could be in any area of your life, even your job. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, you begin to procrastinate, putting things off. You might start things but never finish them. At work, you may miss deadlines, or you might start coming in late. You may forget important things, tasks, meetings, projects, or presentations. This is eventually noticed by your boss, and can lead to negative consequences, even the loss of your job. In personal relationships, this might lead to estrangement or even the loss of those relationships. You might start conflict with others, or even self-medicate with substances.

Self- sabotage is the conscious or unconscious process of destroying or the undermining of things in our lives. It’s like throwing up “roadblocks” or creating things or situations that stop us or hold us back from succeeding. Most of the time, it happens without our thinking about it, it’s unconscious. We want to be successful, happy, and productive so why do things keep happening to stop us? Why do these negative things keep blocking us from being successful? It is actually a way we protect ourselves in life. When we’ve been through trauma, our brain is always on high alert. Everything feels like danger, a threat.

Self-sabotaging behaviors appear for many different reasons. As survivors of trauma, we hold a LOT of fear. We are afraid of stepping out of our comfort zone. We are afraid we’ll let others down, we are afraid of the unknown. We lack trust, we don’t trust others to support us. That lack of trust goes for how we feel about ourselves too. We don’t have trust in ourselves, in our capabilities. We lack self-esteem and self-confidence. We fear success! What happens if we succeed? Then we’ll really have to step up to the plate, be more visible, do more, be responsible for more! What if we can’t do it? Others may find out we’re a “fake” that we’re not up to the challenges. What if we fail? Fear of failure is the ultimate “fear” we have! If we fail, others will see that we aren’t really the person we’ve said we are.

Imposter syndrome is that feeling we have that we’re a fake or a fraud. Even though we’ve had successes in our lives in many areas and have shown that we are capable of extraordinary things, we don’t really deep down in our souls believe it. We feel that we put on this false self to others, we are high functioning, we can do anything. We can be perfectionists, we agonize, overanalyze, and are critical of every little thing we do. We can be filled with anxiety over every move we make. Every mistake, no matter how small, is a catastrophic event, it feels like the end of the world. We also take any form of re-direction or criticism very personally. We may feel like we’re being personally “attacked” rather than using it as an opportunity for growth and learning. We feel that we have to work the hardest, be the most dedicated employee, friend, partner. The harder we work, the more we do, the more others will “see” us, see our value and worth. We are looking to others for validation and confirmation rather than feeling it and looking to ourselves for that worth, that value.

With trauma, especially in childhood, we are not taught that we have worth, value, and purpose just as a being that exists in the world. We learn not to trust others, and we don’t trust ourselves, our thoughts, and how we view the world around us. We don’t trust our “gut instincts” we don’t see ourselves as having a direction or a purpose. Hell, we don’t even oftentimes know what we LIKE! What are your hobbies? I have no clue! We weren’t taught self-confidence, to love and care for ourselves. We grew up in survival mode, just trying to make it from one thing to the next. So now as adults trying to function as best we can in a world we don’t really know how to deal with, is it any wonder we throw up those “roadblocks” and self-sabotage? We are so scared of the unknown, what comes next. We are so scared we’ll fail; we won’t be good enough. These thoughts and feelings just reinforce what we feel about ourselves. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. We set ourselves up for failure. We don’t believe in ourselves, eventually we throw up those roadblocks, things fall apart, and negative consequences appear. See, we aren’t good enough, smart, enough, worthy enough. We don’t deserve success, happiness, healthy relationships, a rewarding career, whatever it might be.

This has happened to me so many times over my life, I’ve lost count. I could never understand my behavior. I worked extremely hard to be the “best” at everything I did. Especially at work, I pushed myself harder than anyone else. I felt like I “talked” a good game, I was great at self-promotion, I was up for any extra project, and task, I never said no. So, I would end up completely overloaded and overwhelmed. I would start things but not finish them or if I did, it was at the last minute. They were done hastily. Eventually, my boss would say something about my performance, and I would literally go into “freeze” mode! I shut down immediately and my survival brain kicked in, ready for that “end of the world” feeling., that ultimate feeling that I was a failure, a loser, an imposter. Now everyone would know I wasn’t who I pretended to be, who I said I was. I’ve lost jobs, opportunities, and relationships in my life because of these self-fueling behaviors.

It has taken me a lot of really hard work to get past all of those deep seeded feelings and behaviors. And some of those feelings still come up. It’s really hard to change those well-worn survival “auto-pilot” behaviors in our brains. But now I take a step or two back, think things through. I give myself a moment to assess the situation and look at it in the “now” as opposed to linking it to something that happened in the past. I try not to react emotionally or impulsively to things that might be said or pointed out in regard to my performance. I think of it now as an opportunity for growth and learning rather than something negative. Working on self-confidence and self-esteem is an ongoing process! Tackling new things has always been challenging for me, new and unfamiliar has always been scary. But I take things one small step at a time, realizing that I do have the capabilities and capacity to learn and even to be creative! I now understand what my strengths, core values, and beliefs are. This not only applies to myself, but in how I see and interpret the world around me. When my trauma brain tries to take the driver’s seat, I have to push it off to the side, and take control myself in the here and now.

In learning how to stop self-sabotaging or torpedoing things, we have to learn to recognize what we are doing. We have to take a look at things from a wider viewpoint. I call it the “30,000-foot view.” We get so caught up in the tiniest of things, we aren’t able to pick up our heads and see things for what they really are. Think of situations where you’ve put things off or waited until the last minute to do them. What is it about these situations that made you avoid them? There is a reason why, what is it? If it’s fear what specifically are you afraid of, what do you think will happen? We also have to remind ourselves that when things come up, we have to stay present, in that moment. This is not your past, this is not your trauma, this is something happening now. If we can identify our reactions, think about them, and reframe them, we can slowly begin to practice responding and reacting differently. If we are taking on too many things, it’s perfectly acceptable and okay to say NO! I know saying that little word feels scary, but it’s necessary. If we have too much going on to handle, we are setting ourselves up for failure. We can only juggle so many things at once! You can say no, and you can delegate things to others instead of doing everything by yourself!

We create new habits and patterns slowly, with practice. It starts with learning, knowledge, and the understanding of why we react and behave in the ways that we do. Our trauma histories have taught us things about ourselves that aren’t true. Once we have identified these things, we can arm ourselves with the real truth, with the facts that we are capable, worthy, strong, brave, smart, and that we have the tools we need in order to handle whatever comes our way. Look at what we’ve gone through, we’ve survived, we’re still here! Reminding ourselves of what we’ve accomplished, and how far we’ve really come is so important in healing. We can take that understanding and build on that through positive reinforcement, focusing on our successes rather than what we feel are failures. Everyone, I mean EVERYONE makes mistakes, no matter how successful, smart, competent, or capable they are. Everyone screws up, has fears, has doubts. We are human, we all have times where we don’t feel we measure up. We are perfectly “imperfect.” The difference is in how we respond to those times. Do we punish ourselves and those around us, or do we take it as a learning opportunity and use it to build on our strengths?

So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that “mindfulness” toolbox we’re building together! Remember, you don’t have to do this now, or at all if you don’t want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.

This is a writing exercise. We are going to identify some areas in our lives where we might have thrown up some of those “roadblocks” we talked about earlier. Then we’ll look at how we can reframe those thoughts and feelings. If you would like to take part, I would invite you to get a piece of paper, a notebook, or even a sticky note and a pen or pencil.

I’d like to invite you to find a place that’s quiet, calm, and as free from distractions as possible. If you’d like you could light some candles, put on some quiet calming music, burn some incense, or use some of your favorite essential oils on the palms of your hands. Breath in the scent. You are in a safe space, you are safe in this moment, in the now.

We always start with our mindful belly breathing. Breathe slowly in through your nose, your belly naturally pushing out as you inhale, to a count of 5. Hold your breath for a count of 1. Then slowly exhale out of your mouth, your belly should naturally move in as you exhale, to a count of 5. Do this five times.

Let’s start by thinking about a time, place, situation, or event, in which you put off or avoided doing something. It might feel a bit scary to name it, but remember, you are safe in this moment, this is something that can’t really “hurt” you. It is a thing that took place, that is all.

1.       Write down this time, place, situation, or event.

2.       Next, write down how this made you feel. What feelings, emotions, responses, or reactions did you have? Be honest in your assessment and write down what you really felt, responded, or reacted.

3.       If you avoided or put off handling the situation, why did you avoid or put it off? What was the reason?

4.       Were there any negative consequences that came up as a result of avoiding or putting this off? If so, what happened? How did that make you feel?

5.       If the root cause is fear, what is that specific fear? What is it that is scary for me about this? What is the absolute worst thing that could possibly happen? If this worst thing happens, can I handle it? Write all of this out, get that fear on paper.

6.       What did your inner voice tell you about how you felt or responded?

7.       In our minds when something happens, we all think to ourselves “I wish I had done _________ instead of __________.” What if you had done it this way? Was that a real option open to you?

8.       When your old habits of putting things off or avoidance come up the next time, what is the first step you can take to challenge those behaviors? (You could stop, pause, think things through, ask questions, ask for help, delegate).

9.       The next time your inner voice tells you negative things about yourself, how could you challenge those thoughts? You could think about all of the things you’ve done well, and accomplished, because you have, you have had successes, done things well!

10.   The next time you feel afraid of something, what is one thing you can do to face it? What is one positive step you can take to deal with it?

Take a few slow deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth, as many as you’d like. That was a lot, if you did the exercise or are planning to do it, I hope it was something you found helpful, and it’s more tools to add to our “mindful” toolbox that we’re building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill, we’ve learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have created a list of all of the techniques and exercises we’ve learned on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and will add to it as we go along. I’ve also put each exercise to beautiful video and music on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma! Please subscribe if you like what you see and hear!

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, follow me, and share widely! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever’s on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com.

Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcasts, music, and listening apps! Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!