Hey there, it’s Kerri. Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma. This episode 44 and I’m going to talk about why grief is so intense around the holiday season.

I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma and Resiliency Life Coach, a Certified Trauma Support Specialist, Advocate, and someone with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.

All right let’s dive in!

So grief. Grieving around the holidays can be so intense and hard. But it isn’t only missing those who are no longer with us. Grief takes so many forms, and we grieve losses of any kind. We can grieve the loss of a situation, maybe we lost a job or an opportunity we were hoping for. Perhaps we also then grieve the loss of financial stability. Maybe we are grieving the loss of a relationship, any relationship be it family, friends, coworkers, and others. We can also grieve the “idea” of relationships. If we grew up in toxic and dysfunctional families, we feel the loss of what we wanted, what “should” have been, rather than what we currently have.

I know that for me, missing what I wanted, my “ideal” family, especially at the holiday season was a tough one for me to grow through. Growing up, the fantasy world in my head was a much nicer place to live than the real world. In my imagination, everyone was well, happy, together in a way they really didn’t exist in truth. Everyone got along, no fighting, no drunkenness, no illness, no frequent moves. Things were happy, stable, people were stable. As I grew older, and had my own kids, I focused on them, making the holidays wonderful and magical for them. Doing all of the things I wished my parents had done with me but didn’t. However, I hadn’t ever really dealt with my own grief and trauma, I was just trying to outrun it as fast as I could. When my mom died in 1991, many of those things I’d been trying to outrun, finally caught up with me in a BIG way.

My relationship with her was so complicated, so enmeshed, I couldn’t see where I began and ended without her. With her gone, who was I really? That first holiday season brought on waves of grief, huge crashing waves that I thought would drown me. That was followed always by the constant grief of losing my little sister in December of 1977. Then piled on top of that, my dad’s hasty remarriage just a few months after my mom died and I was just completely adrift. I continued to focus on my kids during the holidays even though I was often tempted to just stop, freezing in place with my pain. Over the years, other losses piled up, lost jobs, lost homes, lost situations, and opportunities. Then my kids got older, grew up and moved on. Again I was completely lost -without them to care for on a daily basis, who was I? You sense the theme here right?

Due to everything I had been through, all of the trauma, dysfunction, loss, and lack of stability, I had never had the opportunity to find out just who Kerri really was! I had no idea what I liked, didn’t like, what I liked to do, nothing. I had always identified as a caretaker, I took care of my mom, raised my little sister, cared for my husband and my kids, but never really myself. I didn’t even know how to begin. It was a very, very long process, one I still work at every day. With lots of time, lots of therapy, lots of slow steps, not always forward, I slowly began to put my own pieces together for the first time. Realizing that I, on my own, was a being worthy and deserving of just as much love, care, and attention as anyone else, was a big moment! I had worth, just being me! What a concept! Then I had to learn how to care for myself, how to nourish and develop my senses, how to be present. I had to learn how to be me in a totally new way, not through anyone else, not by how much I cared for or did for anyone else, just me.

This was especially true during the holidays. I had to work through my grief, losses, and those old ideas of what I thought I was lacking. I began to think about what I did have, how many people I had that I loved and loved me. I had a lot to be grateful for and had to fight all those well-worn scarcity thoughts. Then I slowly began to piece together the parts of my childhood holiday memories that were good. How we used to gather with our family at the holidays and how good that felt. How hard my mom worked to make Christmas special and magical. Seeing the look of joy on my sister’s face as we raced to the living room knowing Santa had come. All of it. Does it still hurt at the holidays? Of course, but now I focus on the good, more so than the bad. I stay as present as I can and enjoy the moments of happiness, love, and belonging that I have created for myself and my family. We make wonderful new memories every year, and that helps tip the scales back into balance.

Is it easy? No, it takes a lot of work and intention to create anything new. Pushing back against those habitual things we know so well is a process, but it can and will get better. You have to want it, then find ways in which to stitch your own heart back together one small piece at a time. Healing can be messy and painful, but it is always worth it in the end. Focusing on what we DO have, rather than what we DON’T have truly helps more than you think. If you really desire change, start there, with gratitude practice daily. You can use an app, or journal, or your computer, whatever you find is most supportive for you. But every day is the key, don’t quit. If you need ideas on things to be grateful for and why you are grateful for them (Don’t forget that part, why you are grateful and how these things make you feel is an important step) Google ideas, there are a ton out there!

A simple exercise that might help you this holiday season is to write a letter to someone or something you miss. If you are missing someone this holiday, write them a letter. Even if they are gone, write out your feelings, write to them what you miss about them, or even what you don’t miss about them.  If you need to get some anger or hurt out, do it. Then when you are finished, crumple up the letter, burn it (safely) tear it up, but get rid of it. Then your feelings are out of your head and onto physical paper, then as you destroy the letter, it’s gone. If there is a situation, or opportunity you are missing, do the same thing. Write out your feelings around it, then destroy it. It can be a very freeing thing to get it out of your mind, and maybe it will take more than once, but do it, start today!

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, follow me, and please also share widely! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever is on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Kerri Walker, and Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, on Twitter at Kerriwalker58,  my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com, and my YouTube channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma.

Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcasts, music, and listening apps! Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!