Hey there, it’s Kerri. Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma. This is episode 43  and I’m going to talk about ways that we can get through the rest of the holiday season with a little bit of our sanity intact!

I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma and Resiliency Life Coach, a Certified Trauma Support Specialist, Advocate, and someone with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.

All right let’s dive in!

In last week’s episode, we talked about creating your own personal “Holiday Rescue Plan” to set boundaries and say no to those toxic family gatherings. If you created one and put it into action, I’d love to hear about it!

But what do we do if we feel there isn’t any way to say no? How do we deal with all of that toxic behavior and atmosphere in a new way, one in which we can still set boundaries and retain some of our sanity? How can we avoid the triggers that these holiday gatherings seem to always bring?

Part of the problem is how “steeped” in tradition the holidays are. Even in toxic and dysfunctional families, there are rituals and things that for those of us with trauma, we can’t seem to shake. Often, no matter how hard we have tried to shake off our past, it still follows us into the holidays. It is a fact that traumatic holiday events and memories are a part of our past, and as we get closer to those holiday events, our nervous system begins to go right into panic mode! That impending sense of doom and feeling trapped is absolutely horrible.  Not feeling like we have an option sends our over stimulated nervous system into those well-worn trauma responses. Particularly when we were abused in some way by a family member, holidays may have been times that we were forced to spend time with them. Even if we spoke up about the abuse, we may have been dismissed, not believed, told to “shut up” or “be quiet” about it and just “deal” with their abuser’s presence at holiday gatherings. Other survivors describe the holidays as feeling completely alienated or disconnected from their family and culture.

This is particularly true when our collective holiday culture tells us to feel “grateful” for what we have, and we don’t feel grateful for much. Then on top of that, we feel guilt and shame for how ungrateful we DO feel! We are reminded over and over again that we “should” be grateful.

Holidays can also bring about a thought process (often stoked by other family members and/or friends) that it’s our fault for how unloved and lonely we feel, that if we just “loosened up” a little, and forgave the abusive or toxic behavior, maybe we would get some of that love and belonging we so desperately crave.

So as trauma survivors, our well-worn Trauma Brain with all of those go to thoughts, behaviors, emotions, and reactions will unfortunately be up front and center for the holidays! It will be the loudest voice you hear. Our Trauma Brain will absolutely connect us back to all of those awful memories from our past. We get flashbacks and are triggered over and over again during the holidays. It makes it even worse when we have to go to homes we grew up in, in towns where so much of our trauma happened. As our inner critic tells us over and over that WE are at fault, we are responsible, we are the problem.

Toxic family members feel that during the holidays, they absolutely have the right (and the power) to manipulate, berate, and abuse anyone and everyone present. The more people involved, the better they “like” it. They want the attention to be on them, and what better way to get it than by hurting everyone? Or by singling out those family members they feel particularly drawn to hurt? No matter how far you’ve come in your trauma recovery, being thrust back into those old toxic and dysfunctional family patterns can make anyone feel crazy!

For example, when I was a kid, we didn’t really spend much time at the holidays with my dad’s parents, the Walkers. Even when we went back to Hutchinson for Christmas every year, we spent it with my Mom’s parents (which wasn’t healthy either). My Walker grandparents my dad’s parents were only a mile or 2 away, and we’d pop in for the obligatory visit, but didn’t stay long. It wasn’t my grandfather that was the problem, he was wonderful. It was my grandmother, Ruthie, that was the problem. She was the queen of passive-aggressive behavior. Or just outright cruelty. When my little sister Erin died suddenly in mid-December of 1977, needless to say, that Christmas was the most awful, horrible time. My Walker grandparents came when she died and stayed until Christmas. My grandmother actually looked at my mom and said, “You know if you hadn’t have smoked, Erin wouldn’t have died.” I mean WHO SAYS SOMETHING LIKE THAT to someone who has just lost a child??? That’s a pretty extreme example but I’m sure many of you listening have your own awful memories of comments or things either said or implied that you can relate to.

The first big step in dealing with toxic family members during the holidays is realizing what you have control over, and what you don’t. No matter how much you wish you could change other’s behaviors, you can’t. It just isn’t possible. The only things that you have control over are what you do, say, and how you respond and react. That’s it, period. So with that first realization, you can think about other steps you can have in place to protect yourself as much as possible. Here are some ideas that could help you deal with things a little bit more easily.

·         So for example, if cocktail hour before dinner is a nightmare, don’t show up until closer to dinnertime.

·         Distraction is something new to try. Bring a game or a puzzle and suggest everyone try it. Distraction can be a great way to tone down the focus of family members a bit.

·         Don’t get caught off guard. If you know that certain family members in certain situations will behave in a specific way, be prepared for it! Say cousin Susie gets passive-aggressive in the kitchen getting ready for the meal. Leave the room when this behavior sets up, or think of something neutral to say, or ignore it all together. Remember, the more attention you give toxic family members, the more they see that they’ve upset you, the more they like it! Strategize how to give these folks the least amount of attention and energy, don’t fall into those traps!

·         Lots of self-care during the holidays is a must! Anything you can do extra to care for yourself is so important. Have a safe and trusted person that you can text and check in with during this time. Take a relaxing bath, try yoga or stretching. Any exercise is good for you. Read a great book, indulge in your favorite scents. Spend time doing what you like and want to do. Rest, rest, and more rest as well!

·         Stay away from any topics that might bring up conflict or other toxic behaviors. Avoid politics, religion, and anything else that can trigger those automatic toxic tendencies!

·         Try your best to contain your upset. This is a hard one, but the more toxic family members see how upset you are, the more they like it. It feeds into and fuels their behaviors. If you want to, you could take a notebook with you and jot down what things upset you. Then it’s on paper and not in your head. Or you could use an app in your phone to write out your feelings.

·         Change up the logistics. If staying at your parents  house is a nightmare, consider a hotel, bed and breakfast, an Airbnb, or Verbo spot. There are lots of deals around this time, and if you need an excuse, you could say you have to work some, or you have made some other plans that make staying somewhere else more practical. Also, arrange your own transportation. If your parents or family members picking you up from the airport is a horrible experience, consider renting a car or arranging some other mode of transportation for yourself. Treat yourself to an Uber or Lyft to and from if you are able to.

·         Take time out for some “mindful” moments. When things get too chaotic or overwhelming, pick a place you know you can have some space, and a bit of peace for a few minutes. Even a bathroom can offer some space in a pinch for some relief. Excuse yourself, breathe, repeat something soothing to yourself.

·         Check your perspective. Remember that if you do indeed need to be a part of any gatherings with toxic and dysfunctional family members, this is only a brief moment in time, it will pass. The more prepared you are for how you will handle and deal with things, the better. If you come away from it this holiday with a better experience from your perspective, the better you will feel afterwards!

I hope these suggestions are things you found helpful and are more tools we’re adding to that mindfulness toolbox we’ve been building together. Take your toolbox with you everywhere you go, not just the holidays, and use what you’ve learned when you need it! These are skills you’ve learned, your tools to use for anything that comes up!

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, follow me, and please also share widely! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever is on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Kerri Walker, and Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, on Twitter at Kerriwalker58,  my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com, and my YouTube channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma.

Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcasts, music, and listening apps! Please take extra, EXTRA good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!