Hey there, it’s Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 27 and we’re going to talk about absolutely letting go of those feelings of shame, blame and self-guilt we feel.

I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma and Resiliency Life Coach, a Certified Trauma Support Specialist, Advocate, and someone with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.

Also, I’m going to add a trigger warning here, I’m going to talk briefly about one of my experiences with death, so if this is an especially sensitive subject for you, stop the episode, do some breathing or any of the exercises we’ve learned together, or something you like to use, and come back when your ready.

Alright let’s dive in!

So previously we’ve talked about acceptance and letting go. For those of us with trauma histories, letting go of anything is really hard. We hang on to our well-worn survival patterns of thinking. For those of us who remember listening to vinyl records, I think of a record with a “skip” or scratch on it. Once the record player needle got to the scratch it would catch, bounce back, and keep playing over the skip or scratch until you went and lifted the needle past that part, to continue listening. Our brain with all of its complex systems of neural pathways is like that too. Over our lives in either experiencing, surviving, or witnessing trauma, our brains developed those deep survival mode pathways. Those kept us safe at the time we needed them but now our brains go to those pathways warning us of danger when no danger actually exists anymore. We are still always on high alert scanning for danger. We have to learn how to move the needle past those skips, those grooves, and reset the needle to a new groove!

This is especially true around our thoughts of shame, guilt, and self-blame. We survivors are riddled with it. We feel guilty for everything! For instance, how often do you say sorry, or apologize for things throughout your day? My friend and I catch ourselves saying sorry for every little thing! So, we stop ourselves, laughingly say “apology not accepted” and redirect our wording. When you think about it, the only time you should ever say your sorry is if you’ve really done something wrong, done something that has impacted another being or situation negatively. Then you can acknowledge the mistake, and sincerely apologize for it. You learn from it and then move on.

However, we drag feelings of shame, guilt, and self-blame along with us through life. We feel sorry for everything, guilty for things we SHOULD have done, things we SHOULD have done differently. Blaming ourselves for so much, why did we let ourselves get into situations, why didn’t we DO something, why didn’t we react differently, why did we behave a certain way? Those woulda, shoulda, coulda’s will kill your soul! I had a therapist one time point out that “should” equals guilt. That always stuck with me!

We have that underlying feeling after experiencing traumas that we believe we could have done something differently at that time. Something to stop or change the outcome. We can replay events over and over in our minds often imagining the outcome we WISHED would have happened, as opposed to what really DID happen. I did that for most of my life, my thoughts circling around in a “doom loop” over and over. It felt impossible to stop and drove me crazy. I felt guilt over so much that happened to me. Guilt over my sister Erin and her death, guilt over my mom’s illnesses and her death, guilt over how I behaved as a child and a teenager, guilt over my rapes, guilt over how I became involved in an abusive relationship (Along with returning to it 4 times), guilt over how I was as a wife and mother, a daughter, a friend, an employee. Guilt over my mental health struggles, guilt over being hospitalized because of it, guilt over not being ENOUGH! Then comes the self-blame. I blamed myself for everything, everything I did or DIDN’T do, everything I wanted to be but WASN’T! I blamed myself for not being whatever I felt other people viewed as “normal!” I felt like I was one big giant mistake in life. I questioned everything I said, or did, my reactions, my responses. I often acted, said, or did things, before I thought them through and sometimes that made things worse! All of these feelings just made my life even more difficult. I already struggled (and still do!) so the layers and layers of guilt, shame, and self-blame just reinforced what I believed about myself. That I wasn’t smart enough, capable enough, not good enough for anything or anyone. I had built up this idea in my mind of who I should be and what I should be able to do, and I never “measured up” to this ideal “Kerri!” I failed, made mistakes and missteps, and with every one I said internally “see, there ya go, you can’t do it, you’re a failure.”

How was I ever going to get better with all of this stuff going on? I wasn’t, that was the problem! It wasn’t until I really began learning about trauma and Trauma-Informed Care that I began to really see and understand just how much I had been impacted and affected by what had happened to me. I began to slowly and truly understand that I was not to blame for things that were out of my control! What?? You mean I couldn’t control every little aspect of my life? This one thing set me on the path towards change.

When we experience, survive, or witness traumatic things, these are events that happen to us or to someone we love and care about. Especially when we have childhood trauma, we are at the mercy of our caregivers, our environments, our surroundings. We don’t get to have a say in who our parents or caregivers are, or where we live, or what our circumstances are. We are “cared” for or are taken care of by others. So, we got swept up in whatever that looked like for us. When I was a kid, I used to pray that it would turn out that I was adopted, that my parents weren’t really my parents! I wasn’t to blame for how they behaved, how they acted. They were the adults, I was the child, I had no control over things. I was never taught how to handle my feelings, emotions, or how to adapt to things. When I was terrified, I didn’t have a healthy adult to help me process things. So, I developed my own survival mode, my own ways to try and cope with the chaos and trauma, as all of us do when faced with similar situations. They most likely aren’t good, healthy ways to cope either!

Quick Trigger Warning, I’m going to talk about death here. When my sister died, she was 6 and I was 13, I had so much guilt over it. The night she got “sick” I held her in my arms as my parents drunkenly argued for 2 hours as to whether she needed to go to the hospital or not. She was in the early stages of dying, not knowing or seeing me, not responding, just reactively and weakly vomiting. I had never driven a car before, but I was trying desperately to figure out how I could get the car keys, get my sister in the car by myself, and figure out how to drive her to the hospital. I was going over in my mind watching my parents drive, which gear was what, gas and brake pedal, how to steer. As I was going to make my move, my parents finally decided she should go. I was relieved, at last they had made an adult decision. She lingered for 4 days in the hospital before she was taken off of life support. The last time I saw her, my parents didn’t tell me it would be the “last time.” I felt in my heart that somehow, someone would fix it, and that she would be okay. There was no discussion around what was really going on, or that my parents had to make the God-awful decision to take her off of life support. When they came home after that and said she was gone, I was stunned, numb, I didn’t get it. I felt like it had to be a mistake, she couldn’t be gone. Then the guilt hit: If I had only gotten up the courage to get her to the hospital sooner, she wouldn’t have died, it was MY fault.  But it wasn’t my fault, or anyone else’s. There was nothing anyone could have done to prevent, change, or stop what had happened to her. Getting her to the hospital sooner wouldn’t have made any difference. So, I learned to move that guilt off of my plate.

As I grew to a teen, all of that anger, hurt, pain, and betrayal developed into self-harming behaviors. I hurt myself in every way I could. I shut down everything but my rage! What I was really deep down trying to do was to get my parents’ attention. I have likened it to setting myself on fire in front of them multiple times over begging them to put me out! They never did. So, my behavior became more and more outrageous, but all I was doing was hurting myself. The guilt I had over the rapes I endured, being so drunk and out of it that they happened. It never occurred to me before that those who were the perpetrators were the ones to blame, not me. No one ever has the right to hurt or take advantage of someone who is altered in any way. I had to realize that I didn’t have the tools I needed in order to handle things in other ways or to behave differently. I was reactive, and angry, I didn’t know any better. So that guilt and shame began to dissipate, and blame was assigned to the proper individuals.

As I grew, got married and had my children, my first priority was to NOT be the kind of parent that my parents were! I would be the best wife and mother ever! Well, that didn’t work out exactly as planned either. My intentions were good, but again, I was never taught what TO do, as opposed to what NOT to do. Again, I came to the realization that at the time, I didn’t know any better, and was still on that “crazy train” loop of self-dysfunction, I didn’t know how to get off of it.

What it all boils down to is that we all did the best we could at the time, whatever we went through, we survived in the best way we could with what we knew THEN. It might not have been good, healthy, or sane, but we survived it, we made it through in spite of everything! We lived when it might not look like we would, we survived all of the awful things that happened in spite of it all. We weren’t given the tools that we needed in order to do things differently, in order to behave or react differently at those times. That’s not on us, that’s on whoever cared for us. So now what?

One of my favorite quotes is something Maya Angelou said to Oprah Winfrey years ago. Oprah was telling her something she had done that she was ashamed of.  Maya said to her, “You did then what you knew how to do and when you knew better, you did better." This has been quoted and misquoted over the years even by Oprah herself, but the power behind this phrase is the same, no matter the version. We did whatever we needed to or HAD to do at the time in order to survive. The basic tenant of Trauma-Informed Care is looking at what happened to you as opposed to what’s wrong with you! Whatever it was that we went through, survived, or saw affected us deeply, and awfully. It changed us, took us off track in life, put us on paths we would never have really chosen if we had known better. But as we are learning, we can now know better, we can think of things and do things differently now. We can make different choices, those that support us rather than hold us back. We can challenge our old ways of thinking about what we’ve experienced, and about ourselves. When that guilt, shame and self-blame comes rushing up to the surface in our minds, we can stop it, reframe it, and release it. We are now armed with the understanding that we did the best we could at the time! We have that knowledge and can begin to understand ourselves. Once we learn something, we can’t unlearn it, but we can change it, start a new belief system about ourselves. One that is based on self-compassion, forgiveness, and kindness towards ourselves. Will it be an easy or effortless thing to do? No, it won’t. It takes self-awareness, and the practice of challenging your own thinking. It’s learning something new, but if you work at it, reframing your thinking when thoughts like “I can’t do this” or “I’m not good enough” come up, think about all of the strengths you used to get to where you are right now, right up to this minute. You have gone through some pretty awful stuff, but you made it! You CAN do whatever it is you can do, whatever you need to, whatever you WANT to! You are more than enough! You have choices now, there is power in that! When you remind yourself that you can choose to react, respond, or reply to anything or anyone in your own way, in your own time, that can be liberating! For example, I have learned to “practice the pause” before I respond to someone. My brain will still want to fire off a thought or create an immediate reaction or response. I know now it’s okay for me to say, “Let me think about that, I’ll get back to you.” Or to think about how I want to word or compose an email or a text. It’s okay to take your time. Take whatever you need, it’s okay and acceptable to do just that. We are so used to rushing and responding right away, slow it down, slow your thinking down. Even if it feels like it, the world won’t end if you don’t immediately react or respond to something or someone. Even if they are right in front of you, you can get back to them, it’s okay, I promise! It’s new, but newness can be exciting, instead of scary. New stories to hear instead of the same old’ same old!

So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that “mindfulness” toolbox we’re building together! Remember, you don’t have to do this now, or at all if you don’t want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.

We are going to look at focusing on being present in this moment. We’ll add in our breathing and some movement. These together will help stimulate our Vagus nerve in order to help us feel calmer, feel more release, and relaxed.

This can be done seated, lying down, or standing up. Whatever is most comfortable and supportive for you.

We always start with our mindful belly breathing. Breathe slowly in through your nose, your belly naturally pushing out as you inhale, to a count of 5. Hold your breath for a count of 1. Then slowly exhale out of your mouth, your belly should naturally move in as you exhale, to a count of 5. Do this five times.

I invite you to start with an intention. Think about what experiences, thoughts, feelings you have, whatever you might be feeling right now either from the past or present, how are these things shaping what you are sensing right now?

I might ask that you think of inviting in what is true for you now, these feelings, emotions, events, past or present in through a door, welcome them in, all are necessary, all are welcome.

Continue letting your breath flow slowly in and out.

Next, I invite you to bring your palms together, rub your palms gently back and forth together creating a little bit of warmth. You could also give your breath a sound or a sigh. As you exhale you could let our an “ahhhhhh” Do this for as long as you wish.

When you are ready, next, sweep the palms of your hands across your face. You could start with your fingertips touching your forehead, palms gently resting on your cheeks. Bring your fingers gently over the line of your eyebrows to your temples. You could even gently with your fingertips massage your temples, circling your fingertips one way or the other. Then do a few more sweeping movements of your fingers rubbing over your forehead, following the line of your brows to your temples.

Next, bring your fingertips of both hands starting at the bridge of the nose sweep them gently up over your cheekbones, do this a few times. This should feel good to you.

Next you could allow your fingertips to greet your jaw, running your fingers from the jawbone area up to the space in from of your ears, back and forth. How much pressure you apply is up to you, again it should feel good as you massage this area back and forth.

Next, you could gently massage your scalp area, it’s okay to mess up your hair. Wherever it feels good to you, massage those areas with your fingertips using whatever pressure feels good.

Next you might rotate your shoulders either backward or forward, whatever feels good.

Next, you could gently run your fingers down both sides of your neck. Start with your fingers on each side of your neck and gently run them down, to the base of your neck, pick up your fingers and run them back down. You could also bring your chin down as you do this, feeling a little tightening or contraction in your neck as you pull your chin down, then lift it up, feeling the expansion and release of your muscles. Continue letting your breath flow slowly in and out.

When you are ready, bring your awareness back to your breath, breathe slowly in and out using our mindful belly breathing as many times as you wish.

Next take a moment, think about how you are feeling now. Do you feel a bit calmer, more peaceful, more grounded, and relaxed?

I hope this exercise was something you found helpful, and it’s more tools to add to our “mindful” toolbox that we’re building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill, we’ve learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have created a list of all of the techniques and exercises we’ve learned on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and will add to it as we go along. I’ve also put each exercise to beautiful video and music on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma! Please subscribe if you like what you see and hear!

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, follow me, and share widely! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever’s on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com.

Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcasts, music, and listening apps! Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!