Hey there, it’s Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 34 and we’re going to talk about being either extroverted or introverted as survivors of trauma.

I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma and Resiliency Life Coach, a Certified Trauma Support Specialist, Advocate, and someone with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.

All right, let’s dive in!

This week, I thought I would bring up a topic actually suggested by my son! It’s an interesting aspect of human nature in general. What makes some people outgoing, driven, always upbeat and ready for the next thing? What makes other people shy, fearful, preferring their own company over the company of others? These differences happen naturally as people develop their own personalities, have their own experiences of themselves, others, and the world around them. But for those of us that have experienced trauma, it throws a whole new perspective into that mix!

We know that experiencing trauma at any age, but especially as children changes the way our brains wire themselves. When we have lots of things happen to us that affect us negatively and we are always on high alert for danger, our brains, bodies, and nervous systems react accordingly. We don’t have a sense of ourselves, who we really are as individuals. We may not have had the opportunity to develop likes, hobbies, or friendships. We may have missed out on having that loving, compassionate parent or caregiver sit with us when we are sad, angry, afraid, or confused. When we lack that kind of comfort and guidance, we don’t know what to do with how we feel. We don’t know how to sort out our feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. We also aren’t taught how to create our own personal boundaries. We have no idea where we begin and end, and where others begin and end.  So we grow up having to figure it out all on our own. Sometimes, this works out, but often it doesn’t.

We don’t know who to trust, we don’t know who we can count on to be there for us. We don’t know who is safe, and who isn’t. So many of the people who were supposed to love us, guide us, and keep us safe, didn’t. This builds up in us as a lack of self-confidence, we don’t trust in our own judgement, we don’t trust that we are going to make the “right” decisions or choices. So if we don’t trust ourselves, how can we trust anyone else?

This can lead to several different types of behaviors. For some, becoming the overachiever, the perfectionist, the workaholic, that “Type A” personality, always on, always going, always driven. For some, the caregiver becomes how we function, we take care of everyone else, except for ourselves. For others, we can become too trusting, with no personal boundaries. We overshare our stories and ourselves, even with complete strangers. We want so badly to be validated, heard, and understood, we tell everyone we meet our entire life story, it just comes pouring out!

For others, shutting down, staying isolated, being afraid of anything or anyone new, becomes how we operate. We stay stuck, unable to figure out why, why we can’t move forward, why we’re so damn scared of everything!

I feel like I have been on both ends of the spectrum, and many points in between! Because I had no idea who I was, I measured my own self-worth, my own value against how much I did for others, and how they responded. I have been that driven, “Type A” personality, at one point having 3 full time jobs (I still have no idea how I did that!)! It was like I was saying “See? See how hard I work?” Give me validation, give me compliments, give me something, ANYTHING!! Over the years, I adapted, changed myself to suit those around me. When it didn’t work, when things went wrong, who did I blame? ME of course! I wasn’t what others needed or wanted. Why wasn’t I good enough for “THEM?” Then I’ve been on the other side of the spectrum where I was completely frozen, paralyzed by fear. Afraid of people, situations, change, challenges, anything, and everything! If I had only just known how to be “myself” whoever that was, what might that have changed for me? It took me so long to figure just the basics of what made me..ME! I had to first let go of seeking outside validation from others as a way to measure my worth. That was really hard to let go of it was a lifetime of habit. I had to really think about what my core values and strengths were. Who was I? What did I believe in? What did I value in others? What kinds of behaviors did I like in other people? Did I have those qualities in myself? What did I like to do? What didn’t I like to do? What was really my favorite color. Was I kind? Was I trustworthy? Was I honest? ? I mean it got down to those basic things, things lots of people just intrinsically know about themselves, but I had to work it out. That’s how lost I was. I had to start building myself from the ground up. I took those core things I decided about myself and built up from there, and I’m still building! Do I have 100% complete faith and trust in myself, and my abilities? No, I don’t, but I’m getting there. I had to be my own comforter, guide, safe space, best friend, all of it.

When you think about it, it really isn’t a huge puzzle. We don’t know what we don’t know!! We operate with what we learned through our experiences. If you never had anyone to show you how to “be” in the world, and you had to just figure it out, you have done the best you could with the knowledge that you had! You have choices now; you can be whoever you want to be. Whether you are an introvert, or an extrovert depends on so much! There is also no “right” way to be. If you prefer to keep your circle small, and enjoy your own company best, that’s perfectly ok! If you really like people, and want more connection, great! You have to do what feels right for YOU, not do what others tell you or “think” you should do! They aren’t you they haven’t walked in your shoes. Others may mean well when they say things like “You should get out more” or on the flip side “Do you ever stay home?” but only you can decide what’s right for you. I am an introvert operating in an extroverted world! I am involved in meetings, trainings, speaking engagements, and lots of other things, but it takes so much energy. I like my alone time. I am lucky that for the time being I work from home, and I like it that way! I can work at my own pace, concentrate better, and get so much more done on my own. My personal circle of people (friends, aquaintences)  is really small, and I’m okay with that too! You have to live your life according to your needs and wants!

If you want to change your approach, change it, but start small. If you need to slow things down, slow down (If you’re that driven type of person). If you’d like to get back out there in the world a bit, try joining a group either online or in person to start. You can find local groups that meet either way by searching on the web. Seek out supportive and like-minded folks, just remember your boundaries; set them and hold them firmly!

So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that “mindfulness” toolbox we’re building together! Remember, you don’t have to do this now, or at all if you don’t want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.

We are going to do a very short exercise today, something easy. A brief writing exercise to help you identify and set a goal for yourself in finding out whether or not you’d like to be a bit more introverted, or extroverted. If you’d like to try this with me, please get a notebook, a piece of paper, even a sticky note and a pen or pencil. You could even type it out in a word doc if you like. Whatever way you participate is fine, as long as it works for you, that’s what matters.

I’d like to invite you to find a place that’s quiet, calm, and as free from distractions as possible. If you’d like you could light some candles, put on some quiet calming music, burn some incense, or use some of your favorite essential oils on the palms of your hands. Breath in the scent. Remind yourself that you are in a safe space, you are safe in this moment, in the now.

Let’s start with our mindful belly breathing to get more centered. Breathe slowly in through your nose, your belly naturally pushing out as you inhale, to a count of 5. Hold your breath for a count of 1. Then slowly exhale out of your mouth, your belly should naturally move in as you exhale, to a count of 5. Do this five times.

·       1.    First, I’d like you to think about who you are, as we’ve just talked about. Who is in your own personal “circle” of people ( friends, acquaintances, etc.). Write them down.

·          2. What are the qualities you like about the size of your “circle?” Is it comfortable? Is it easy or Is it busy and exciting? Write down what you like about your current circle of people in your life.

·        3.  Next, write out what you don’t like about this circle of people. Is there anything that bothers you about it? Or is everything alright the way it is.

·        4.  If you have identified anything that is bothering to you, or if you’d like to make a change, what might that be? What change would you like to make?

·         5. Finally, what is one thing you could do to make this change that you’d like to see? Something small, and easy to start with? When could you begin to make that change? Set a date and start it.

I hope this exercise was something you found helpful, and it’s more tools to add to our “mindful” toolbox that we’re building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill, we’ve learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have put each exercise to beautiful video and music on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma! Please like, subscribe, and share widely if you like what you see and hear!

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, follow me, and again share widely! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever is on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Kerri Walker, Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, on Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com.

Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcasts, music, and listening apps! Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!