Hey there, it’s Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 33 and we’re going to talk about finding our “anchor points” and why this is so important for us as survivors of trauma.

I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma and Resiliency Life Coach, a Certified Trauma Support Specialist, Advocate, and someone with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.

All right, let’s dive in!

This week, I wanted to talk about being rooted in the present, in the moment, and how to develop a kind of “self-rescue” plan for those times when we feel lost, adrift, in the darkness of our own thoughts. This episode is especially dedicated to those who feel like they are at the breaking point.

As survivors of trauma, we have been through many awful, horrible things, things that should never have happened to us, things we didn’t ask for or want. Things no one should ever have to go through. These events have completely changed us in almost every way. It colors not only how we see ourselves, but the world around us. We try so very hard to control what happens in our lives as a result. When our traumas happened to us, we had no control. But often, the more we try to control things, the more out of control we feel. One reason is that we are trying to control things that are not within our power TO control. We can only control what WE do, say, and how we react, or respond, not other people, places, events. We try anyway and it can end up being this vicious cycle and as we get more and more desperate to hang on and control things, we spiral completely out of control with our thoughts, feelings, and emotions. It’s kind of like trying to keep a hold of a tornado. Or, if you are like me, you can shut down completely becoming numb, frozen, unable to move, think, or react.

I have shut down to the point where I couldn’t get out of bed. I was so numb and desperate; I began to self-harm. I wanted to see if I could feel anything, anything at all. This also followed along with my lifelong pattern of taking things out on myself. I was punishing myself. This feels scary, but here we go with full honesty! A few years ago, it got so bad that I knew if I didn’t do something, a more drastic event would happen I might try to end my life. So, I reached out to my mental health team (They have worked with me for years and are a wonderful support system) and before I knew it, I was inpatient in a behavioral health facility. I was there for 11 days, and it was quite an experience. It wasn’t a fancy private hospital; it was a state-run facility. Did it help? In a way it did. I didn’t learn anything new, all of the classes and groups that you had to attend talked about trauma and mental health: Things I already knew. But it gave me a unique perspective on myself. Many of the people were young, had been there many times before, knew the system. Some had smuggled in drugs or could get them from sources they had on the outside, so there were lots of dealing and exchanges. There were those that had extreme outbursts and couldn’t control themselves. It was often pretty scary but at the same time, I saw myself in a lot of them. I began to think of my situation in a different way. I already had the tools and the knowledge to pull myself up out of the darkness, I just had to use them. I knew feeling like this was not what I wanted. I wanted to live, I wanted to feel, be a part of my own life again.

I began to really think about what I had, the people and things that I had in my life that needed me. My partner, my children, my family, my pets, my work. These became my “anchor points” my reasons for being in the world. My trauma history had not allowed me to develop a sense of myself, all on my own. I was always someone’s child, someone’s girlfriend, someone’s wife, mother, employee. So, If I needed to begin by knowing that if something happened to me it would affect those closest to me negatively, that was okay. It was a way to anchor myself to the world, to being. I slowly began crawling up out of that pit, learning more and more about just how deeply all of my traumatic experiences had impacted me, why I felt, behaved, and reacted the ways that I did. My therapist helped so much, but I also began researching and reading on my own. When I began deep-diving into Trauma-Informed Care, that completely changed everything for me. I began to understand myself in a completely new way. It was not my fault; I was not to blame. My constantly overactive and hypervigilant nervous system, brain, and body were reacting in a completely biologically correct way given my trauma and past learning history, environment, even genetics! Throw in the impacts I have due to my brain injury and the burst brain aneurysm I suffered, it’s no wonder I felt the way I did! I began to let go of the idea that everything was my fault, that I was irreparably broken. I began to forgive myself, give myself grace, compassion, all of the things I so desperately needed from myself. I was on the path to getting better, slowly, but I was walking the walk!

Those anchor points I identified for myself were the first steppingstones, the first foundational pieces in beginning my healing journey. They grounded me, they kept me here while I figured out the rest. When we are so deeply into our darkness, we lose sight of just how much we mean to others. We often don’t  really understand just how much our presence, our being, brings to the world. We are important, we have an impact, we matter! Just a note about me: Am I completely better, healed, and whole? No, I’m not, and I admit that completely! I still have days where I struggle, but now I know how to recognize what is happening and take the steps I need to in order to care more gently for myself on those days. If I can, I start with sensory basics, soft clothes, soothing smells, things I can see, touch, smell, or hold to ground me. I allow myself to rest and I nourish my body with good simple food and lots of water.

I want you to think about what your anchor points are in your own life. In spite of how alone and isolated you feel, something, someone needs you here. We ALL need you! A person, a pet, a plant, a cause, it doesn’t matter who or what it might be. I truly believe we are all here for a reason, we just have to find it. We matter as human beings, all by ourselves. Not the way we think we have to measure up to others’ expectations: and most certainly not by comparing ourselves to anyone else! We all know those people who seem to have been through so much, and just seem to rise effortlessly above it all, and have it all together. Take my word for it, NO ONE has it all together! Everyone fights battles no one else can see, believe me! Think about this for a moment: who do you want to tell your story? YOU want to be the storyteller, the narrator of your own life and experiences. Someday it’ll be you that others look to for guidance, for help in how to heal. How cool would THAT be?? You will get there, just do the work, start small, one baby step forward at a time. Believe me, if I can do it, so can you, I promise! We’ll get there together!

So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that “mindfulness” toolbox we’re building together! Remember, you don’t have to do this now, or at all if you don’t want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.

We are going to build a grounding sensory toolkit together.  A sensory toolkit is a small box or bag where you keep a few items that you can use to help you ground when you have difficult days. This has been so helpful for me! You can put into your toolkit whatever you want. You may want to have a big one to keep at home, and another that is portable that you can take with you out into the world.

Let’s start with our mindful belly breathing. Breathe slowly in through your nose, your belly naturally pushing out as you inhale, to a count of 5. Hold your breath for a count of 1. Then slowly exhale out of your mouth, your belly should naturally move in as you exhale, to a count of 5. Do this five times.

Optimizing your toolkit: