R. Featherstone, MSN PMHNP WHNP PMH-C, is a nurse practitioner in the Richmond, VA area.
They inform us that flexibility is the key to parenting.
We all have a vision of who our children will be before they’re even born and we tend to lay out our hopes and dreams for the child. This vision isn't challenged until the tween stage when the parents’ values get challenged. It's at this point that there’s grief there for the parent. There’s a cognitive dissonance between what they thought they were going to get and what they actually got. Their children may not meet their vision.
For LGBTQ+ children, this is a huge disruption to all of the things that parents were expecting. It means that the lives of the parents and the child have new challenges. So, we have to acknowledge the grief. It needs to be processed and understood that what is happening is different than what was expected. It’s not that anything is wrong, and there’s no fault, but at the same time, there's a major disruption in the lives of the parent and the child.
“This isn’t about you:” The child’s identity isn’t about doing something to the parent; there’s no fault. Touchstone events become an entirely different and new experience. Where you may have originally expected you would be taking your daughter to buy a prom dress, you may be taking your son to order a tuxedo instead.
Parents aren’t yet used to respecting the autonomy of children who are making the decision to be LGBTQ+. They aren’t autonomous age-wise, but nobody, regardless of age, can be told how they should feel. Children, regardless of identity, deserve a blanket universal acceptance from a parent. "We will love you and accept you no matter what."
For parents, it’s important to stay curious. Great questions to ask your child are, “What does this mean to you?” or, “How can I support you best?” Give them the autonomy to disclose their identity based on where they feel safe. Allow them to selectively control how they come out.
People now have more options to describe their gender. Kids today have better terminology to use. The idea that all of these new terms are confusing our children is untrue. These new terms are allowing our children to have their autonomy and choose for themselves where they should be.
You can never undo whatever you do or say the moment your child first comes out to you. It’s like a first impression. Cultivating a safe environment for your kids is very important. If they feel safe and comfortable around you, they will feel like they can talk to you about almost anything. For instance, asking about pronouns when you meet somebody is a great way to communicate that you accept them, support them, and want to learn more.
The best advice Featherstone has for parents is to “work on your poker face.” Samantha describes is as, "be cool! be cool!"
Nobody should be parenting in a vacuum. Parents need to have other parents to talk to about the things their kids are doing or involved in. There are conversations that should be between parents, and not between the parent and the child.
Featherstone talks about how we balance seemingly opposed ideas. It’s both-and, not either-or.
We also need to have reasonable consequences that mimic what happens out in the real world. We need to talk about values when we discuss consequences with our kids. If expectations are unclear and a teen feels like they’re chasing a moving target, they’re going to get really frustrated.
Finally, they talk about The Trevor Project. Teens that are forced to grow up in a body that doesn’t match their gender identity is traumatic. Allowing teens to explore these options saves lives. “It is not benign to deny who your child is.”
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