Romantic Realities: Deconstructing the Romantic Love MythWe dive into the misconceptions of romantic love prevalent in Western culture, drawing on a quote from You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships, by Richard Swartz. Get the book from Internal Family Systems Institute at https://ifs-institute.com/you-are-one-youve-been-waitingSam mentions Let's Get Vulnerable: Relationship and Dating Advice podcast with Dr Morgan, yet again, but actually links to it this time. https://episodes.fm/1496034764 to find it on your podcast player of choice. But I use and recommend Podcast Guru, and Fountain, available on all phones ... anyway it's a great resource on attachment theory, and if you end up taking a workshop let Sam know how it goes.Here's the quote:Our Western culture and many of the relationship experts in it have issued us faulty maps and improper tools. We've been told that the love we need is a buried treasure, hidden in the heart of a special intimate partner. Once we find that partner, the love we crave should flow elixir like, filling our empty spaces and healing our pain. We touch on:the usual gossip and personal experiences, in between the wise and reflective stuff.historic context of romantic love as an ideallikely role of biology in facilitating feelings of romantic lovevs the grim reality of marriage historically, as the transfer of property between menromance in mediathe unrealistic expectations it setsreflect on the nature of lovelove's challengesthe importance of self-love and realistic expectations in intimate relationshipsdynamics of attachment stylesmental health, and the balance between self-reliance and being a good partnera broader contemplation of love's realities versus its cultural constructionsEpisode image: courtesy of Craig - read stories and look at more great shots at https://wish-art.blog/gallery/The show cover is from the filming of The KLF's Ancients of Mu clip - https://www.theguardian.com/music/2017/apr/27/return-of-the-klf-bill-drummond-jimmy-cautyShow theme is from Ehsan Gelsi - he just dropped a new song video today - it's nice synth instrumental music. Watch the maestro at work over at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XN9XE0UKZDE0:00 TTTT Is Love the Drug?00:18 Myth of Romantic Love02:10 Personal Stories: Rethinking Romance04:53 Debating the Reality of Romantic Love08:18 The Cultural and Biological Perspectives on Love32:42 Navigating New Beginnings and Misunderstandings32:54 The Journey of Moving In and Relationship Dynamics33:22 Relationship Flags: Red, Yellow, and Green36:10 Mental Health and Self-Awareness in Relationships52:54 Reflections on Love, Choice, and Commitment (00:00) - Is Love the Drug?(00:18) - Myth of Romantic Love(02:10) - Personal Stories: Rethinking Romance(04:53) - Debating the Reality of Romantic Love(08:18) - The Cultural and Biological Perspectives on Love(32:42) - Navigating New Beginnings and Misunderstandings(32:54) - The Journey of Moving In and Relationship Dynamics(33:22) - Relationship Flags: Red, Yellow, and Green(36:10) - Mental Health and Self-Awareness in Relationships(52:54) - Reflections on Love, Choice, and Commitment

Listeners are producers. Thank you for getting the show out.I reflect on my own podcast listening: helpful with insomnia, and a lifeline during tough times. Write me hereReading a wide range of listener notes, I respond and explore personal themes:vulnerabilitythoughts on how to engage usefully with attachment theory, to go looking for the things we don't want to saythe two breakdown eps from Joe and Alivoyeurism: when is it okay to listen to people spilling about intense experiencesI say it's because people pod with honesty, because they want to be seen and accepted, flaws and all, so you're helping. If it's feeding something exploitative, you'll feel it.Themes around speaking, activism, expression:the half-informed should speak, while being honest about their level of understanding, otherwise we will only hear from the powerful and the uninformed, who are never honest about their level of understandingmiddle-class white women do speak up a lot, but should continue to do soa brief history of middle-class women as key activistsI encourage a writer who listens, to start a show, and offer support and advice to anyone curious about getting startedNetworked communal media not subject to the algorithmthe communal, horizontal, networked experience of podcasts (listeners become producers, or step up to speak, in a mutually supporting way) audio over RSS: the last medium not to have been completely overrun by ads and algorithmsopen nature of podcast distribution via RSS feeds, Really Simple Syndication, contrasting it with highly vertical, platform-dependent media (LOCKED SYSTEMS = serfdom)commercial radio thrived on podcast-ish values before becoming a bloated ad beasta call for community support and contribution, reinforcing the collaborative spirit of podcasting listeners as producers, who contribute to the content and continuity of podcastsValue for Value, decentralisation: the philosophy we need for sustainable media in the age of closed platformsthe importance of fearless feedback in all directionsthe democratizing power of podcasts under techno-feudalismCreators & GuestsSam Ellis - HostArt by https://www.instagram.com/schinacoy/(00:00) - The Life-Changing Power of Podcasts(01:11) - Podcast Listening Habits(02:07) - Podcast Listeners as Producers(03:38) - Exploring Attachment Theory Through Listener Feedback(06:21) - The Open Nature of Podcasting vs. Centralized Media(24:18) - Embracing Vulnerability and Listener Connections(25:06) - The Power of Envy and Personal Growth(25:36) - Podcasting as a Form of Expression(30:02) - The Impact of Listening and Speaking(32:27) - Exploring Faith and Listener Feedback00:00 The Life-Changing Power of Podcasts01:11 Podcast Listening Habits02:07 Podcast Listeners as Producers03:38 Exploring Attachment Theory Through Listener Feedback06:21 The Open Nature of Podcasting vs. Centralized Media24:18 Embracing Vulnerability and Listener Connections25:06 The Power of Envy and Personal Growth25:36 Podcasting as a Form of Expression30:02 The Impact of Listening and Speaking32:27 Exploring Faith and Listener Feedback

What we take to be a self is tentative, fictitious, constructed by clinging, a temporary identification with some parts of experience. Self arises, solidifying itself, like ice floating in water. Ice is actually made of the same substance as water. Identification and clinging harden the water into ice. In a similar way, we sense ourself as separate. Jack Kornfield - The Wise HeartThis realization that the separate self is an illusion must be one of the most useful things I've ever learned. I spent most of my life assuming that I was a separate self-contained unit and I felt disconnected from those around me. From the universe as a whole. But where exactly is this seat of the self? Where's the little Joe who's up there in my head, directing everything? Where is the seat of attention? If I look for myself, where do I find myself? I find a constant flow of sense data, sights, sounds, smells, temperature. I find thoughts. But who are these thoughts occurring to?As Jack Kornfield says, identification and clinging harden the water into ice. The closest thing I can find to a separate self is this contraction in my chest that seems to create some kind of locus in time and space. But actually I am in no way separate from the flow. This has been seen through for me in meditation. What I find in meditation, if I have a good session, is I drop into a much larger, possibly infinite, ocean of awake awareness. Which mostly has a fairly neutral quality, but there's actually a lovingness there. A gentle sense of support. And I find this encouraging to say the least.Of course, I have a social self and I need to function. And go to work and perform my roles in society. But there's no need to constantly reify the separate self, this particle, somehow split off from the rest of the universe. What I actually find is an openness, a sort of infinite openness, where I used to imagine my separate self to be. Jack Kornfield talks about ice and water. I've heard it talked about in terms of a wave. A wave that somehow thinks it's separate from the ocean. Or a sunbeam that's forgotten it's part of the sun. I'm a part of something much bigger than I always took myself to be. But it's also something incredibly simple. It's just the present moment. I'm not separate to you who's reading this. I really am just part of this flow.I only care about this because I guess I've always just wanted to know the truth. I guess I've always suffered feeling so separate from things around me. It's a great relief when I realize and drop into the fact that I'm this open, loving awareness. And I can then accept everything just exactly the way it is in the present moment. After all, what other choice, do I really have?Creators & GuestsJoe Loh - HostThis is part of an ongoing series of reflections by Joe on readings. He's also posting writing at https://joeloh.substack.com Image: courtesy of Craig over at https://wish-art.blog---------------------More about the author of today's quote:Jack Kornfield (born 1945) is an American writer and teacher in the Vipassana movement in American Theravada Buddhism.[1] He trained as a Buddhist monk in Thailand, Burma and India,[2] first as a student of the Thai forest master Ajahn Chah and Mahasi Sayadaw of Burma. He has taught mindfulness meditation worldwide since 1974. In 1975, he co-founded the Insight Meditation Society in Barre, Massachusetts, with Sharon Salzberg and Joseph Goldstein, and subsequently[clarification needed] in 1987, Spirit Rock Meditation Center in Woodacre, California. Kornfield has worked as a peacemaker and activist, organized teacher training, and led international gatherings of Buddhist teachers including the Dalai Lama. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_KornfieldWebsite | jackkornfield.comMore about The Wise Heart

Thinking back on favourite films, it becomes clear what they say about us. Cinema, the Psyche, unveiling Inner HeroesIt's always therapy and psychoanalysis around here, movies are the vehicle. Favourite films reflect deep psychological themes and evolving personal identities. What we once found aspirational in a character, we might later rethink, or realise it was not the healthiest hero to have. Others may have been right for the time. So we mainly talk about movies our younger selves were drawn to, Pulp Fiction, Terminator 2, The Matrix, Le Samurai, The Thin Red Line, Beaches, When Harry Met Sally, Sleepless in Seattle, Funny Girl, 'Now, Voyager', All About Eve, and Stella Dallas. It's the usual mix of personal stories, and psychological insights, plus film analysis and some half-remembered film theory, looking at identification with film characters, self-perception, the making and collapsing of reality, and the separate self. We also touch on the gender dynamics in film identification, the concept of sacrificial love, and the role of cinema in shaping or reflecting social norms and personal dreams. It all brings us eventually to the universal quest for connection and meaning. We delve into how these preferences illuminate our aspirations, fears, and personal development.Creators & GuestsJoe Loh - HostAli Catramados - HostSam Ellis - HostImage: still from Cinema Paradiso (1988) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0095765/?quot(00:00) - TTTT Film(01:23) - Deep Dive into Favorite Films and Personal Identification(03:28) - Self-image and cinema(07:33) - The Psychological Impact of Film and the Matrix Deep Dive(10:36) - Meditation, Reality, and Joe''s dis-Engagement with Cinema(14:41) - Heroism, Mortality, and the Essence of Cinema(21:02) - Heroism in Real Life vs. Cinema(22:59) - Reflecting on how Mortality impacts Film Appreciation(26:01) - Character Archetypes in Cinema(26:30) - The Impact of Nature and Civilization in Film(28:57) - The Power of Old Movies: Nostalgia and Reflection(30:20) - The Power of Melodrama: Reflecting on Personal Sacrifices(44:03) - Romantic Comedies and Their Influence on Personal Identity(51:06) - The Secret Hopes and Dreams in Cinema(52:55) - Concluding Thoughts on Cinema's Psychological Impact00:00 Welcome: A Thought Experiment on Favorite Films01:10 Personal Film Favorites and Identity01:10 Deep Dive into Favorite Films and Personal Identification03:15 Self-image and cinema07:19 Psychological Impact of Cinema07:19 The Psychological Impact of Film and the Matrix Deep Dive10:22 Meditation, Reality, and Joe''s dis-Engagement with Cinema14:27 Heroism, Mortality, and the Essence of Cinema20:48 Heroism in Real Life vs. Cinema22:45 Reflecting on how Mortality impacts Film Appreciation25:48 Character Archetypes in Cinema26:16 Nature vs. Civilization: A Personal Journey26:16 The Impact of Nature and Civilization in Film28:43 The Power of Old Movies: Nostalgia and Reflection30:06 The Power of Melodrama: Reflecting on Personal Sacrifices43:49 Romantic Comedies and Self-Discovery43:49 Romantic Comedies and Their Influence on Personal Identity50:52 The Secret Hopes and Dreams in Cinema52:41 Concluding Thoughts on Cinema's Psychological Impact

“I have really found when I look around that the romantic love I see is this ideal, the anima. The anima is the ideal that you carry within yourself that you put onto the different entities out there and you unite with that. Pretty soon you see through the projection. And then what happens?”Transcript:That's Joseph Campbell from an interview he did. I won’t pretend to be an expert on what the anima is but I took note of this because it resonated with me. I can see that I've done this throughout my adult life. It's to project something, onto a woman in my case. And then basically have a relationship with that projection.And there's an incredible high that comes from doing that. And they become perfected in your mind. And quite often I can take photos of women when I'm in this state, they will be sitting in a café or wherever, and it will be a particularly attractive photo of them. And quite often they get some kind of high out of it too.But as Joseph Campbell says:“Pretty soon you say through the projection. And then what happens?”Well, in my case, what happens is I tend to end the relationship. And often the women are left hurt and confused about what went wrong. And it reminds me of the Joni Mitchell quote about monogamy and how if all you ever have is short-term relationships and casual dating then basically, you’re just dating yourself over and over again. Telling the same stories, revealing the same small parts of yourself, and having the same fun. Whereas to really go deep with someone and commit and really get into the complexities of getting to know someone is to have a much deeper experience. But I think that moves you past romantic love and chemistry and all the hedonism that's inherent in all those chemicals floating around. I think that moves you to something that maybe feels a lot more ordinary a lot of the time. That slow layering process of really getting to know one person. And sitting here now I can see that that is an ideal for me. The problem I have is whenever I meet a new person, I tend to project my anima onto them and have the same relationship over and over again. I’m trying to get out of that trap and move onto hopefully something more profound.Creators & GuestsJoe Loh - HostImage by Craig: writing and sharing pictures of his current travels with the beloved missus and greyhound over at wish-art.blog-----------Sam here. This is part of an ongoing series from Joe, of short personal reflections on quotes found during reading, usually on spirituality, and psychology. Joe is writing at https://joeloh.substack.comJoseph Campbell is also one of my go-to teachers. Not necessarily an authority on up to date folklore, but certainly someone who can open you up to new ideas and give you courage to face fears and challenges. Campbell has helped many people greatly with perhaps one the hardest things in life, to actually face our true purposes and choose to move towards lives of greater meaning and yes, love.Reading about anima/animus, I found an interesting summary of Jung's four levels of Eros (erotic romantic love) associated with development/integration of the anima. Maturation of romantic love felt towards women, moves from:1. Eve: desire, needs, nourishment, security and love2. Helen: recognition of women's intelligence, competences and achievements in their own right3. Mary: Righteous, paragon of virtue: recognition of women's moral accomplishments I would say4: Sophia: finally recognising women as wise and fully human, *gasp*, equal, and not at all an object.-----------I also found Maria Popova's wonderful article in the Marginalian, a great match with Joe's reflection today. Reviewing Pathways to Bliss, Campbell's book on love, purpose and reality, she also quotes Anais Nin, Zen teacher D.T Suzuki, Stendahl, Dan Savage and the poet Rilke. Popova offers a striking synthesis drawing on many sources, persuading us powerfully that embracing imperfection and compassion is the path to love and meaning. Joseph Campbell on Why Perfectionism Kills Love and the Pathway to Bliss in Romantic RelationshipsKindred Media has some powerful articles by Amy Wright Glenn, who works as a yoga teacher, doula and chaplain. Clearly she is someone who specialises in helping people at life's most difficult moments. She tells stories of love, grief, bliss and purpose. "Much of our experience of love’s intensity is due to our search for the other part of our original selves. According to Aristophanes, no earthly joy can compare to this reunification." I welcome the superb clarity she brings to Campbell's ideas and her own insight. While it’s human nature to sort through stories for meaning, I agree with Campbell about the supremacy of experience over meaning... Feeling is primary. Fully feeling brings integration and is the key to healing life traumas. Meaning comes later, if at all.Amy Wright Glenn in the same article, gives us a poignant outline of Campbell's notion of three kinds of love: Agape (universal sacred love), Eros (sexual), and Amor (romantic) with key observations about each. Highly recommended! https://kindredmedia.org/2015/03/joseph-campbell-love-and-follow-your-bliss/ Joseph John Campbell (March 26, 1904 – October 30, 1987) was an American writer. He was a professor of literature at Sarah Lawrence College who worked in comparative mythology and comparative religion. His work covers many aspects of the human experience. Campbell's best-known work is his book The Hero with a Thousand Faces (1949), in which he discusses his theory of the journey of the archetypal hero shared by world mythologies, termed the monomyth.Since the publication of The Hero with a Thousand Faces, Campbell's theories have been applied by a wide variety of modern writers and artists. His philosophy has been summarized by his own often repeated phrase: "Follow your bliss."[6] He gained recognition in Hollywood when George Lucas credited Campbell's work as influencing his Star Wars saga.[7] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joseph_CampbellFor more great quotesfrom Campbell https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Joseph_Campbell

Do most straight men reserve their truest love and romance for other men? Marilyn Frye thinks so, and today we consider a quote from her classic book of feminist essays The Politics of RealityWe found ourselves in agreement with Frye's observations. But we debate and detail the angles: Is heterosexual male culture (always) homoerotic?Do men save their 'best' for each other?Do many men find truer friendship with other men because they feel more comfortable around each other? Why?Is this a problem? How much so?Why would a man be 'less himself' around women? Is this because a man might be capable of friendship with women, but change his behaviour around a woman he wants to sleep with?Maybe it's heterosexual people thinking of each other as alien species that causes the problem? But does heterosexuality rely on just this, treating each other as alien and maintaining a sense of difference?Is there some anger, bitterness or frustration in the quote?Is the author a separatist feminist as Joe guessed? (Yes).What is romance anyway?Has the truth in this quote shifted over time?Is it also true about women and other women? And is it possible to judge those two realities by the same standard?Why are people on dating apps talking about polarity and being in their feminine energy? Do they just mean 'someone else sort everything out?'Are we at the point where we can begin to expect equal levels of maturity and responsibility from both men and women?"To say that straight men are heterosexual is only to say that they engage in sex (fucking exclusively with the other sex, i.e., women). All or almost all of that which pertains to love, most straight men reserve exclusively for other men. The people whom they admire, respect, adore, revere, honor, whom the imitate, idolize, and form profound attachments to, whom they are willing to teach and from whom they are willing to learn, and whose respect, admiration, recognition, honor, reverence, and love they desire… those are, overwhelmingly, other men. In their relations with women, what passes for respect is kindness, generosity or paternalism; what passes for honor is removal to the pedestal. From women, they want devotion, service, and sex. Heterosexual male culture is homoerotic; it is man-loving."And if r/feminism is consulted, you will find much agreement there. As NoMommy- posted:Do men even like women? It doesn’t fuckin sound like it.I want to be with someone who likes me. Likes talking to me, likes my sense of humor, likes hanging out with me. Someone who, even if we weren’t together/he wasn’t attracted to me, he would still want to hang out with me because he likes me as a person.I want someone who shows affection and does nice things, not because he expects something in return, but because he wants to make me happy.Is that too much to ask??? I say this to my friends who date and they’re all like, “fat fuckin chance,” “good luck with that.”It’s just sad and frustratingThe Ten Thousand Things, well, Sam would like to say to you in reply "u/NoMommy- I get you, cos that's what I want also. No, it's not too much to ask. It's not easy to create this reality for ourselves, but many men do feel the same way. Maybe all humans feel the same way. We all want to be loved unconditionally, but we fear that any love we get is conditional, and pre-empt or retaliate. It's not impossible to create this better love with others, but we would have to start with the assumption that everyone has been hurt, and we ourselves are not necessarily easy to live with. And we all wonder if we can ever really be known by others, and still be loved. If we were known fully by someone, we may fear that we would not be loved.Meanwhile, over at Good Men Project, Franklin Madison quotes Frye and issues a heartfelt appeal to men to have a high quality of friendship with men, but hold the same respect, acceptance and quality of friendship with women:We reserve real love for these men. For many of us, we “believe” love isn’t really what we transmit to the women in our lives. Imagine, if we loved the women in our lives the same as we love the men in our lives: We never lied to them; we always supported them; we listened to them; we took their advice; we truly respected them. Then and only then will we truly love these women whom we inadequately love now.There, I said it. Live with it because you know as well as I do that’s the truth.He also urges men to be comfortable with the touch of other men and not deny it to themselves on homophobic grounds. https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/non-toxic-masculinity-male-male-affection-friendship-lbkr/-----------------------------More about Frye:Marilyn Frye (born 1941) is an American philosopher and radical feminist theorist. She is known for her theories on sexism, racism, oppression, and sexuality. Her writings offer discussions of feminist topics, such as: white supremacy, male privilege, and gay and lesbian marginalization. Although she approaches the issues from the perspective of justice, she is also engaged with the metaphysics, epistemology, and moral psychology of social categories. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marilyn_FryeAfter a bit more reading, I learned that Frye is a reference point for separatist feminists. As I understand it, separatist feminists are women who assert, with cause, that they should not put their energy, presence, love or even thoughts towards men. Men are not where they should invest energy of any kind, that they want to prioritise other women, particularly those who have been hurt, and particularly those hurt by men.There is a long history of women doing it for themselves throughout recorded human existence, and earlier still. Among our primate relatives, Bonobo chimpanzees have a society that operates through female bonds, and men must cooperate in order to have any stake in it. While among other chimpanzees each troop has a dominant male who keeps harems. The only way to access reproduction is to sneak around or kill or drive off the other male. I think the better choice here is obvious.Women often saw benefit or survival in in banding together: for safety, mutual aid, religion, and many other causes. Women have had to fend for themselves after abandonment, during peace and war, or after losing male family members to war, famine, disease, migration, economic collapse, husbands press ganged into the navy, or killed accidentally in work. As there are 'men going their own way' now, and perhaps there has always been. It seems in difficult times women support each other, and perhaps, so do men. But we also ...

To be a loving person is to wrestle with a profoundly improbable idea: that however modest our position in society might be, however much we may have been maltreated in the past, however mesmerised we are by the deplorable behaviour of powerful individuals, however shy and frail we are, we are constantly capable of causing other people significant hurt. Alain de Botton in A More Loving World: How to increase compassion, kindness and joyCreators & GuestsJoe Loh - HostThis is the second of an ongoing series by Joe: short reflections on quotes he captured and shared with Ali and Sam while reading (usually books on spirituality, psychology, consciousness, religion etc). Joe is writing over at https://joeloh.substack.com/ and it's genuinely sizzling stuff. You can tell he read Hunter S Thompson and Kerouac as a youngster, and since then I'm assuming he's read other stuff that sounds more mature, because his writing is kind of both of those things. It's present and truthful, and entirely unsentimental, but it has feelings in it. That link again: https://joeloh.substack.com/ - Sam Image courtesy of Craig https://wish-art.blog/gallery/____________________________________More on the quote's source, A More Loving World: How to increase compassion, kindness and joy at https://www.theschooloflife.com/shop/a-more-loving-world/ An extract of the book is available at https://assets.theschooloflife.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/05/04143544/A-More-Loving-World_extract.pdfAbout the author of today's quote:Alain de Botton FRSL (/dəˈbɒtən/; born 20 December 1969) is a Swiss-born British author and public speaker. His books discuss various contemporary subjects and themes, emphasizing philosophy's relevance to everyday life. He published Essays in Love (1993), which went on to sell two million copies. Other bestsellers include How Proust Can Change Your Life (1997), Status Anxiety (2004), and The Architecture of Happiness (2006).He co-founded The School of Life in 2008 and Living Architecture in 2009.[1][2] In 2015, he was awarded "The Fellowship of Schopenhauer", an annual writers' award from the Melbourne Writers Festival, for that work. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alain_de_BottonMore great quotes from Alain de Botton at https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Alain_de_BottonTranscript:That's Alain de Botton. And that really struck me because I think I'd always given myself an out. That it didn't really matter what I did. That I was a small and insignificant person.And as it says 'however mesmerized we are by the deplorable behaviour of powerful individuals...'  It always seemed enough to just look at someone like a Donald Trump, and just be like, "well, I'm nowhere near that bad, and I'm also nowhere near that powerful, so the things that I do don't really matter." But as it says 'we are constantly capable of causing other people significant hurt.'  I look back and see a lot of burnt bridges. And actually burning bridges is the only way I know to deal with a lot of this stuff. And I like to think that I have gotten better in sobriety and recovery. But I've always had an edge that's capable of hurting people.And I guess the point of this note and why I wrote it down at the time, and why it struck me so much, was this is the justification that I'd used for my poor behaviour in hurting people, that I was just a little insignificant ant. And reflecting on it now, it's partially that insignificance that led to some of the rage, that led to some of the bitterness, that led to some of the poor behaviour. So, I guess the thing that I'm trying to find now, is some genuine humility. And just getting myself out of the way and seeing other people, and other people have their struggles. And to quote Bob Dylan's grandma, that "everyone walks a hard road."  And I know I'm not going to get this right. It's not going to be perfect. But this quote reminds me that I matter to maybe a handful of people, but to those people I really matter. And I have to be really careful to try to be kind wherever I possibly can. And it doesn't matter what's happened to me. It doesn't matter whether I've been given a diagnosis or I feel like I've had a hard time in life. It actually only matters how I act in the world.That's what I'll be judged on. And that's what I should be judged on. I need to get my thoughts right. And my emotions, right. And then hopefully my actions will improve.

Moving from Fear, to Joy of Missing Out and beyond both. FOMO arises from projection and fantasy, as does a lot of the imagined enjoyment of the imagined pleasures.We might imagine that:everything we want is outside ourselvespleasure, meaning or peak experiences must be mediated by something: people, substances, or outside eventsthat we have to follow a formula to achieve themWe chew over the classic cliche FOMO of music festivals, and unearth some insights: the positives of turning towards your own prioritiespursuing projects and personal growth brings the greater contentment'projects over pleasures'the pursuit of meaningful experiences on your own terms or with people you care aboutsometimes the best music experience is going mental to a good tune where no-one can seeJoe contends that beyond FOMO and JOMO is the flow state:the real peak experiences of life often occur in the flow statewhich has little to do with glamorous activities or what we have been told to wantWe touch on existentialism and some key FOMO psychology:humans struggle to reliably imagine their own future feelingsto weigh the influence and impact of imagined eventswe struggle to accurately assess what others put on social media, obviouslybut this is also discomfort with our own choiceswe all carry the burden of choice, of what to value and pursuethe existential problem of assigning meaningit's not easy figuring out what we really wantit's difficult to imagine what will actually make us happy or bring contentment, and in a sense it's our life's workthe choice to engage in fulfilling projects is seemingly more difficult and uncertain than reaching for known pleasuresthe boring thing is doing what we think we will be fun and assigning it a greater future value than it can carrythe real boredom is not always in staying home and attending to our real prioritiesWe harangue Joe to turn towards something he gets a lot of meaning from, passages from spiritual books, and reflect on those in a new podcast series, which leads nicely to some useful concluding thoughtsthe value of following quiet passionsthe liberation found in chosen solitudeencouragement to make conscious life choices aligning with true desiresEpisode image courtesy of Craig. Check out his new blog, it's grouse https://wish-art.blog/Creators & GuestsAli Catramados - HostJoe Loh - HostSam Ellis - Host(00:00) - TTTT fomo jomo(00:14) - Welcome and topic(00:33) - Personal Stories of FOMO and JOMO(03:20) - The Cultural Phenomenon of Music Festivals(05:58) - Sobriety and Its Impact on Social Life(07:49) - The Shift from FOMO to JOMO in Adulthood(07:59) - Reality, Music Festivals, It's a Business(08:30) - Interviews with musicians(19:28) - Finding Joy in Simplicity and Creativity(24:42) - The Real FOMO: Missing Out on Personal Passions(29:48) - Embracing JOMO in Everyday Life(31:51) - Rediscovering Simple Pleasures(32:13) - The Pivot: From Boredom to Texture of Experience(32:30) - Mediated Experiences vs. Reality(33:14) - Body Acceptance and the Illusion of Projected Happiness(34:02) - Music Festivals and the Pursuit of Authentic Joy(34:52) - The Path of Personal Growth(36:19) - Embracing Individuality and Comfort(48:41) - Finding Meaning in Quiet Contemplation(51:01) - Projects over pleasures - the origin of Joe's new podcast(53:43) - Joe's new diet - and more origin for the new project(58:53) - Balancing JOMO and FOMO(01:01:17) - Concluding Thoughts on Personal Fulfillment0:00 TTTT fomo jomo00:14 Welcome and topic00:33 Personal Stories of FOMO and JOMO03:20 The Cultural Phenomenon of Music Festivals05:58 Sobriety and Its Impact on Social Life07:49 The Shift from FOMO to JOMO in Adulthood07:59 Reality, Music Festivals, It's a Business08:30 Interviews with musicians19:28 Finding Joy in Simplicity and Creativity24:42 The Real FOMO: Missing Out on Personal Passions29:48 Embracing JOMO in Everyday Life31:51 Rediscovering Simple Pleasures32:13 The Pivot: From Boredom to Texture of Experience32:30 Mediated Experiences vs. Reality33:14 Body Acceptance and the Illusion of Projected Happiness34:02 Music Festivals and the Pursuit of Authentic Joy34:52 The Path of Personal Growth36:19 Embracing Individuality and Comfort48:41 Finding Meaning in Quiet Contemplation51:01 Projects over pleasures - the origin of Joe's new podcast53:43 Joe's new diet - and more origin for the new project58:53 Balancing JOMO and FOMO01:01:17 Concluding Thoughts on Personal Fulfillment

All that is necessary then is to rest undistractedly in the immediate present, in this very instant in time. And if we become drawn away by thoughts, by longings, by hopes and fears, again and again we can return to this present moment. We are here. We are carried off as if by the wind, and as if by the wind, we are brought back. When one thought has ended and another has not begun, we can rest in that space. We train in returning to the unchanging heart of this very moment. All compassion and all inspiration come from that. Pema Chodron - When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times (1997)This short episode is from Joe, intended as the first of many, reflecting on passages he took note of in reading. Next week's main ep will explain more of the back story behind this new project. Joe is writing over at https://joeloh.substack.com, and (Sam here) I say it's very good stuff. Very honest. Totally Joe. A rollicking read. Creators & GuestsJoe Loh - HostImage: 'Calanais Stones, what a mystery' by Craig https://wish-art.blog/____________ ______________About the author of today's quote:Pema Chödrön (born Deirdre Blomfield-Brown, July 14, 1936) is an American Tibetan Buddhist. She is an ordained nun, former Acharya of Shambhala Buddhism and disciple of Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche. Chödrön has written books and audiobooks, and is principal teacher at Gampo Abbey in Nova Scotia. Chödrön teaches the traditional "Yarne" retreat at Gampo Abbey each winter and the Guide to the Bodhisattva's Way of Life in Berkeley each summer. (wikiquote)More Pema Chodron quotes at https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Pema_Ch%C3%B6dr%C3%B6nBy the same author: How to Meditate: A Practical Guide to Making Friends with Your Mind (2008)

Is Attachment Theory the new Myers-Briggs? NoIs it helping? Yes! Is attachment also about friendship, family and self relationships? Yes!Is it the magic bullet? Kind of, if you study Attachment Styles in depth, and do the workIt's The Dance of Attachment in Relationships!In our return to podding for a new season, (sorry to disappear, reasons!!) we explore the nuanced world of attachment styles their profound influence on our relationships and self-awarenessWe delve into the complexities of understanding anxious, avoidant, secure, and disorganized attachment stylestracing their roots back to early childhood and examining their impact on our adult romantic relationships, friendships, and the way we view ourselvessharing personal stories and insightswe discuss concepts and strategies for navigating and seeking secure attachments in pursuit of fulfilling and healthy relationships we need:setting and respecting healthy boundaries for ourselves and othersnot to neglect our own needswhich includes attending to security withinbeing comfortable or tolerant of being alone with our own thoughtspersonal purpose and meaning, and not to seek this from relationships alonethe distinction between being alone and feeling lonelyand towards others:open, non-judgemental communicationself-awarenessthe delicate balance between independence and vulnerabilityavoiding assumptions in communication and in interpreting the actions of othersthe value of approaching life and relationships with openness and mindfulnessYes it's all pointing towards the continuous process of personal growth and adaptation.Mentions: It was Tracy McMillan who wrote the blog Why You're Not Married https://www.huffpost.com/entry/why-youre-not-married_b_822088 Warning: contains statements that will not be universally accepted, but some of her insights are worthwhile, based on three marriages, at the time. She talks a lot about attachment theory also https://www.instagram.com/tracymcmillanLet's Get Vulnerable podcast: https://episodes.fm/1496034764Dr Tracey Morgan has a particular style, which I enjoy, and will grow on you, because she really knows what her stuff and it comes from hard personal experience, struggle and finally breakthrough. Promotes a paid program for women, with occasional male participants.Other excellent podcasts on attachment theory, by expert practitioners in the field:On Attachment: Stephanie Rigg is a good local voice. She experienced anxious attachment all her life, and her partner avoidant, but they have worked it through. Stephanie has great insight and advice, and also offers courses and workshopsTrauma Free Relationship Tom Philip delivers very easy to follow theory and practice, bite size chunks, a nice-relaxed style informed by a long career in relationship counselling https://episodes.fm/1682090107Trauma Rewired (season 3 is on relationships https://episodes.fm/1537602643Episode cover art by Craig, https://wish-art.blog/Music theme by Ehsan https://www.youtube.com/c/EhsanGelsiCreators & GuestsAli Catramados - HostSam Ellis - HostJoe Loh - Host(00:00) - Attachment(00:12) - The 10,000 Things: Diving into Attachment Theory(00:29) - Attachment Styles: The New Myers-Briggs?(01:05) - Exploring Attachment Theory: Science and Personal Insights(03:14) - Anxious Attachment: Texting, turning into Teen Wolf, and Drowning Metaphors(07:13) - Disorganized Attachment: Navigating Dating and Self-Discovery(16:44) - Beyond Romance: Attachment in Friendships and Self-Care(40:04) - Navigating Attachment Styles in Relationships(42:01) - The Anxiety of Avoidant Attachment(42:48) - Exploring Past Relationships and Attachment Dynamics(44:56) - The Journey Towards Secure Attachment(01:00:25) - The Importance of Self-Awareness and Vulnerability(01:08:32) - Language of couples counselling(01:20:09) - Concluding Thoughts on Attachment and Personal Growth0:00 Theme00:12 Diving into Attachment Theory00:29 Attachment Styles: The New Myers-Briggs?01:05 Exploring Attachment Theory: Science and Personal Insights03:14 Anxious Attachment: Texting, turning into Teen Wolf, and Drowning Metaphors07:13 Disorganized Attachment: Navigating Dating and Self-Discovery16:44 Beyond Romance: Attachment in Friendships, Family, Self-Care40:04 Attachment Styles in Relationships42:01 The Anxiety of Avoidant Attachment42:48 Exploring Past Relationships and Attachment Dynamics44:56 The Journey Towards Secure Attachment01:00:25 The Importance of Self-Awareness and Vulnerability01:08:32 Language of couples counselling01:20:09 Concluding Thoughts on Attachment and Personal Growth

Study envy to find messages from our future selvesWe unpack the role of envy, not as a toxic emotion to be avoided or ashamed of, but a normal feeling that gives us clues to understanding our unmet desires, unfulfilled potential, and prompting necessary change.envy vs jealousy. Jealousy is possessiveness, envy is wanting what others have, or wanting to be thembecoming less envious of others as we get olderthe emptiness at the heart of existence remains in place no matter who we are or what we havehouse prices, salaries, wealth distributioncomplex, changing feelings, hiding then reveal the path to self-growthfitting in vs standing outbeing the object of envybeing envious of contemporaries, such as friends, people we went to school or work withhaving envy towards our own partnersbike shorts/yoga pants: acceptable clothing for everyone?getting beneath the surface of desire, wanting a greater sense of freedomgender and clothing: do women have greater freedom in terms of clothing?'painful but necessary steps'Ali's dream of growing more of her own foodself-envy, a 'better version of ourself' from the pastJoe's epic case of personal envy towards a contemporary therapy: like cleaning a mirror, with the image becoming clearer over time. daily transformations that count towards personal growththe importance of casual conversations for therapeutic valueCreators & GuestsAli Catramados - HostJoe Loh - HostSam Ellis - Host(00:00) - Introduction and Welcome(00:28) - Discussing Alain de Botton's Quote on Envy(01:41) - Understanding Envy and Jealousy(02:05) - Personal Experiences with Envy(02:48) - Envy and Lifestyle Aspirations(03:24) - Debate on Work and Lifestyle(05:30) - Envy in Youth and Adulthood(05:55) - Envy and Money(08:49) - Envy of partners in relationships(11:32) - Envy and Personal Style(29:16) - The Illusion of Success(29:24) - The Changing Landscape of Attainable Dreams(30:04) - The Struggle with Identity and Expectations(30:20) - The Reality of Career Success(31:20) - The Shift in Perception of Wealth and Success(32:32) - The Struggle with Personal Limitations(33:34) - The Reality of Life's Unpredictability(34:30) - The Desire for Freedom from Wage Slavery(35:12) - The Struggle with Self-Blame and Helplessness(37:36) - The Journey Towards Self-Reliance and Acceptance(42:31) - The Power of Reflection and Self-Understanding00:00 Theme, intro00:28 Alain de Botton's Quote on Envy01:41 Understanding Envy and Jealousy02:05 Personal Experiences with Envy02:48 Envy and Lifestyle Aspirations03:24 Debate on Work and Lifestyle05:30 Envy in Youth and Adulthood05:55 Envy and Money08:49 Envy of partners in relationships11:32 Envy and Personal Style29:16 The Illusion of Success29:24 The Changing Landscape of Attainable Dreams30:04 The Struggle with Identity and Expectations30:20 The Reality of Career Success31:20 The Shift in Perception of Wealth and Success32:32 The Struggle with Personal Limitations33:34 The Reality of Life's Unpredictability34:30 The Desire for Freedom from Wage Slavery35:12 The Struggle with Self-Blame and Helplessness37:36 The Journey Towards Self-Reliance and Acceptance42:31 The Power of Reflection and Self-Understanding

Neurodivergence, New Years Resolutions, and Future FocusWe welcome the New Year byevaluating the usefulness of New Years resolutionssharing the honest struggles we’ve hadsmall triumphsAli shares her journey to quit smoking and the strategies she employs.a positive version of sunk cost fallacy, where we are motivated to defend small gains and build on them https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sunk_costmaking excuses and justifications for not taking responsibilitytricking yourself into doing things your mind is resistingquitting/reducing drinkingcleaner living, bad skin after xmas blowoutthe power of vanity in keeping motivatedAli and Sam pleased about looking younger than some of the other school mumshow the concept of future thinking and goal setting has influenced our livestouching on the psychology concept of ‘delay discounting’ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Time_preferenceas a key to understanding addiction, financial errors and not getting around to acting on our ambitionsdebate the relevance of the neurodivergent label for individuals and the three of usthe present and future of the show. Our personal and collective mission, methods, and reasons for doing it.Meta pod discussion for the stans:As we reflect on our podcast journey, we contemplate whether to foreground our identity as neurodivergent individuals and how it plays into the show.We also share our ambitions for the podcast going forward, including our New Year resolution to de-emphasize diagnoses and just be ourselves.Sam digresses into the huge value gained from listening to niche and highly specific podcastsJoe advocates having ‘no angle’ and ‘no identity’ the value of anything should be in the doing, in the process. Bhakti Yoga and many other traditions teach we should not do things for reward, nor should we be attached to any particular outcome.Podding is more like a zine and having absolute intellectual freedomSuccess is to have critics as well as praisewe express our gratitude towards our listeners and each other, and acknowledge the affirming impact of their feedback on our personal lives and our collective journey.Sam offers some recent pod finds that taught the wisdom of ‘I am becoming’ statements, versus ‘I am’ statementsCreators & GuestsAli Catramados - HostJoe Loh - HostSam Ellis - Host(00:00) - TTTT 37 - New Year New You(00:36) - New Year, New Me: Debunking the Myth(01:15) - The Reality of New Year's Resolutions(02:21) - Alis Struggle Quitting Smoking(06:04) - The Power of Incremental Changes(09:43) - The Impact of Habits on Appearance(11:59) - The Benefits of Sobriety(18:29) - Maintaining a Healthy Relationship with Alcohol(19:45) - The Impact of Alcohol on Mental Health(20:34) - Understanding Delay Discounting(20:57) - Delay Discounting in Marketing(21:32) - Delay Discounting and Addiction(23:28) - The Power of Visualization(24:35) - Overcoming Personal Struggles(26:35) - Redefining the Podcast's Identity(37:32) - The Value of Listener Feedback(40:57) - New Year's Resolutions and Personal Growth0:00 TTTT 37 - New Year New You00:36 New Year, New Me: Debunking the Myth01:15 The Reality of New Year’s Resolutions02:21 Alis Struggle Quitting Smoking06:04 The Power of Incremental Changes09:43 The Impact of Habits on Appearance11:59 The Benefits of Sobriety18:35 Maintaining a Healthy Relationship with Alcohol19:52 The Impact of Alcohol on Mental Health20:40 Understanding Delay Discounting21:03 Delay Discounting in Marketing21:39 Delay Discounting and Addiction23:35 The Power of Visualization24:41 Overcoming Personal Struggles26:41 Redefining the Podcast’s Identity37:38 The Value of Listener Feedback41:03 New Year’s Resolutions and Personal Growth

Who's Your Guru? (and is Slavoj Žižek any good?)Sam, Joe and Ali discuss gurus, including the online type:our times are thick with public intellectuals, influencers, and self-proclaimed experts Sam's frequent references to Slavoj Žižek, and Joe's conclusion that he doesn't make much sense, and isn't much chop intellectually. Sam on literal guru worship in the Hare Krishnas - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/International_Society_for_Krishna_Consciousnessshould we just speak for ourselves, rather than filter our thoughts or present them in relation to influential figures?figures like Jordan Peterson, Douglas Murray the resort to online gurus during times of uncertainty, about how to know and think (the so-called epistemological crisis)A few of Joe's past figures get a mention: Stephen Pinker, Michael Shellenberger,how problematic it can be when these gurus leave their area of expertisemany people will detect that guru lane drift, but many others still trust their Guru's every word, which is perhaps the whole point of gurusthe power of dialogue with other humans in understanding our own internally competing perspectives, and helping us evaluate information and perceptionstriving for clarity amidst an overload of information.Useful sources:The Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy (peer reviewed) - Zizek entry https://iep.utm.edu/zizek/Zizek WikipediaZizek wikiquoteSome key Zizek ideas from The ConversationCreators & GuestsAli Catramados - HostJoe Loh - HostSam Ellis - Host(00:00) - Introduction and Hosts(00:28) - Topic inro: Online Gurus(00:41) - Slavoj Žižek(02:52) - Growing up with guru worship in the Hare Krishnas(04:22) - The Dangers of Guru Worship(05:57) - The Influence of Public Intellectuals(11:31) - The Impact of Social Media on Gurus(15:33) - The Crisis of Trust in Modern Media(28:13) - Capitalism and Media Coverage(28:34) - The Search for a Reliable Source(29:01) - Disappointment in Trusted Institutions(29:53) - The Role of Institutions and Individual Sources(32:08) - The Struggle with Information Overload(32:48) - The Burden of Individual Choice(34:42) - The Quest for Understanding and Trust(36:09) - The Fear of Uncertainty and the Search for a Guru(38:15) - The Dangers of Single-Source Reliance(40:16) - The Role of Dialogue in Understanding(44:19) - The Challenge of Finding Clarity in Chaos00:00 Introduction and Hosts00:28 Topic inro: Online Gurus00:41 Slavoj Žižek02:52 Growing up with guru worship in the Hare Krishnas04:22 The Dangers of Guru Worship05:57 The Influence of Public Intellectuals11:31 The Impact of Social Media on Gurus15:33 The Crisis of Trust in Modern Media28:13 Capitalism and Media Coverage28:34 The Search for a Reliable Source29:01 Disappointment in Trusted Institutions29:53 The Role of Institutions and Individual Sources32:08 The Struggle with Information Overload32:48 The Burden of Individual Choice34:42 The Quest for Understanding and Trust36:09 The Fear of Uncertainty and the Search for a Guru38:15 The Dangers of Single-Source Reliance40:16 The Role of Dialogue in Understanding44:19 The Challenge of Finding Clarity in Chaos

What Do We Want To Pass On To Our Children?Find out what controversial song was top of Ali's music wrap for the year. Oh, and we delve into parenting: specifically, how should we influence our kidsOn the Road, Jack Kerouac; Homage to Catalonia, George Orwell; David Bowie all get a mentionthe influence we want to have, versus what really happenspersonal experiences, the influence of books and other texts versus direct communicationfeeling unsure about who to be as a parent and a personwhat are we actually shooting for with values and is it a simple transfer? Nothe concept of meaningful freedom and how it relates to addictionhyper gendered kids stuff, sugar, screens and other baddiesthe inevitable reflections on our own upbringingsome of our current and past approaches to parenting, and hopes for the futurespirituality gets another plug - and it hasn't even taken out a sponsorship(00:00) - Welcome and intro(00:27) - Influence on Children: Personal Experiences(01:27) - Power of Now, Books and Reading(03:11) - Passing on a love of music(04:34) - Values and culture(08:18) - What are values anyway. Not a simple thing(10:01) - What we try for vs what we get. Being yourself around your baby(13:43) - The Struggles of Parenting and Personal Growth(22:05) - The Influence of Social Media and Screen Time(33:54) - The Importance of Freedom in Parenting(34:32) - Avoiding Addiction Pathways in Parenting(35:11) - Transition from Control to Moderation(36:01) - Influence of Parental Values on Children(36:59) - The Importance of Apologizing and Kindness(37:36) - Raising a Kind and Sociable Child(41:33) - The Role of Curiosity in Parenting(43:31) - The Impact of Parenting on Children's Future(44:44) - The Power of Consciousness and Spirituality(57:57) - The Influence of Books and Reading(59:59) - The Role of Practice and Present Moment in Parenting

Possible triggers. A confronting episode but one we are proud of. Sam, Joe, and Ali explore the impacts, recovery and residues of mental breakdowns.The recent Robbie Williams documentary has kicked off many discussions about mental healthRobbie's demeanour on screen reminded Ali of herself. He was had extraordinary energy before his collapse, as did Ali, with full time work, a small child, a backyard farm and making sourdough from scratchIn the present, Ali can see that something inside Williams is 'still broken' or 'empty' even though he remains functional in most areas of lifeThis led Ali to consider her life and self now, and compare it with her perception of self before her breakdownWe collectively navigate Ali's personal journey through mental health challenges, including a severe breakdown that led her into a state of psychotic mania and hospitalization.Joe brings up Donald Winnicott and his concept of the 'good enough parent' which relates to the 'good enough self', which is the best self, because it is the True Self, as opposed to the ideal self, which is a False Self, and is not sustainable (leading to many problems including breakdowns). Winnicott also gave us the idea that 'the catastrophe we fear has already happened'- which also relates to Ali's experience cloWe delve into the changes in energy levels, personal expectations, ambitions, and the perceived self after such an experience.We look for therapeutic and analytic angles to discuss the theme of death and mortality in Ali's breakdownAli's story strongly reminds Sam of Joseph Campbell's idea of the Hero's Journey*. Sam proposes that Ali followed most of the stages of the Journey in her breakdown, but may have remaining analysis to complete on the Road Back to the Ordinary World.We touch on diagnostic perspectives, struggles with unmet expectations, and the thirst for normalcyJoe advocates for spiritual exploration as an intrinsic part of the journey of healing and understanding, and as the best way to meet that higher calling, to live a full life.*Campbell's book The Hero With A Thousand Faces is an analysis of myth, through ideas from psycho therapy, . The journey is a model of psychological struggle and change in the self. In various stages the self must deal with a Call to Adventure which disrupts their world, they cross into an unknown world, they face dangers, and approach the innermost cave, with an increasing and impending feeling of life and death, they face an ordeal, a struggle and rebirth, an atonement and resurrection. The Road Back is also full of dangers, before we can re-enter the Ordinary World, but find ourselves changed, and our experience of the world forever altered.Keywords: Mental Breakdowns, Recoveries, Energy Levels, Psychosis, Psychotherapy, Psycho-analysis, Mania, Winnicott, The Good Enough Parent, Spirituality, Higher CallingCreators & GuestsAli Catramados - HostJoe Loh - HostSam Ellis - Host(00:00) - Theme and host intro(00:48) - Robbie Williams: another Ali Sam crossover(01:36) - The Attraction to Robbie Williams(02:39) - Mental Breakdowns: do we ever put the pieces back together again?(03:31) - Ali's Personal Experience with Mental Breakdown(05:08) - The Aftermath of a Mental Breakdown(05:32) - The Healing Process(08:09) - Ali's breakdown and afterwards(11:19) - The Struggle of Recovery(12:44) - Reflections on the Healing Journey(26:36) - Living in the Future: A Discussion on Expectations(26:40) - The Psych Ward Experience: Future Focus vs Present Moment(27:08) - Facing Mortality: A Personal Perspective(27:22) - The Illusion of Imminent Death and Its Impact(27:27) - The Struggle with Physical Health and Self-Perception(28:28) - The Power of Therapy: Understanding Psychosis(28:57) - The Reality of Perception: A Psychedelic Experience(29:49) - The Fear of Failure and the Pressure of Expectations(31:50) - The Fear of Disappointing Family and the Pressure of Social Scripts(37:55) - The Struggle with Energy Levels and the Desire for a Higher Calling00:00 Theme and host intro00:48 Robbie Williams: another Ali Sam crossover01:36 The Attraction to Robbie Williams02:39 Mental Breakdowns: do we ever put the pieces back together again?03:31 Ali's Personal Experience with Mental Breakdown05:08 The Aftermath of a Mental Breakdown05:32 The Healing Process08:09 Ali's breakdown and afterwards11:19 The Struggle of Recovery12:44 Reflections on the Healing Journey26:36 Living in the Future: A Discussion on Expectations26:40 The Psych Ward Experience: Future Focus vs Present Moment27:08 Facing Mortality: A Personal Perspective27:22 The Illusion of Imminent Death and Its Impact27:27 The Struggle with Physical Health and Self-Perception28:28 The Power of Therapy: Understanding Psychosis28:57 The Reality of Perception: A Psychedelic Experience29:49 The Fear of Failure and the Pressure of Expectations31:50 The Fear of Disappointing Family and the Pressure of Social Scripts37:55 The Struggle with Energy Levels and the Desire for a Higher Calling

We explore the experience of identifying as victim, through personal stories and theory, and of course the potential of spirituality and psychotherapy in helping move through, and renounce identities over time.We discuss the dangers of adhering to a single identity label, and the benefit of taking responsibility for our own actions and healing, while being aware that we are also inescapably interconnected with others. Identities such as Victim are necessary and useful, and can arise naturally from a life event such as an accident, an assault, or injustice, but also from ordinary childhood experiences, a personal identity, or a relationship dynamic. So we may come to identify as victim. This is normal, but over time our sense of self shifts greatly and we move through many identifications. to enable us to life more fully.We've all been a victim, we all suffer, we all deserve comfort and help, and it's also true that we sometimes cling too long to a sense of being The Victim. We are usually right about that victimhood in some way, even with people who fraudulently claim victim status. While fraudulent victims provoke understandable outrage, as we see in the extraordinary case of Belle Gibson, such people are probably suffering in any case, and their fraud itself is an indicator that something is wrong in their lives.Sam finds a related quote about Lacan's formulation of fantasy, the Other, the alienation of the subject, and restoring the dignity of the subject by letting go of fantasy. Marx and Zizek get a mention.And we get into how spirituality and therapy both invite a deconstruction of ego and fantasies. The conversation concludes with the benefit of adopting broader, more interdependent perspectives on life.Image courtesy: Craig https://www.instagram.com/p/CrFzDLgK7Mw/Creators & GuestsAli Catramados - HostJoe Loh - HostSam Ellis - Host(00:00) - Being the victim(00:46) - Identity Politics and Neurodivergence(02:14) - The Power of Now - Eckhart Tolle's book and a quote(02:23) - Eckhart Tolle's Influence and Impact(04:46) - Interpreting Eckhart Tolle's Quote(05:40) - Victimhood and Identity(21:54) - Responsibility and Victimhood(27:46) - The Ego and Therapy: A Complex Relationship(28:05) - The Role of Victim Mentality in Therapy(29:12) - The Struggle of Admitting Victimhood(30:19) - The Process of Analyzing and Accepting Trauma(31:33) - The Importance of Self-Responsibility in Therapy(31:51) - The Impact of Trauma on Identity(36:04) - The Role of Fantasy in Therapy(45:41) - The Paradox of Individuality and Interdependence(47:55) - Concluding Thoughts: The Illusion of the Separate Self

Only posting about shit you have personal experience of? Ali explains why white middle class people should maybe shut up. Team discuss different social media platforms and shouting into the voidPosting hot photos on Instagram as awareness raising? The power of posting about stuff you have lived experience with. Sam talks about the power of herd acceptance and how minds change more often than people realise. The advantages of podcasts over social media for actually learning things. The team discuss the information space and Australian politics. Joe talks about becoming a centrist because he’s so sick of being in the inner-city leftie bubble. The Voice referendum is discussed. Sam accuses Joe of thinking people power is non-existent. Facebook is waning fast but offered strong predictive data about Boomer voting intentions in said referendum  Ali mentions marriage equality as a successful campaign with a social media element. The Middle East rears it’s ugly head.Ali and Sam conclude that everyone has personal experience of everything and should post whatever they want, Joe is pissed off.Enjoyed the ep? Share it with someone who might also enjoy it. https://share.transistor.fm/s/2982b484Hit us up at instagram.com/thetenthousandthingspodcastCreators & GuestsAli Catramados - HostJoe Loh - HostSam Ellis - Host(00:00) - Theme and intro(00:29) - Topic: Posting outside your personal experience - staying in your lane(01:52) - Political Discourse (02:06) - Predicting the Voice referendum based on Facebook posts(03:14) - Reflecting on Personal Social Media Usage(03:40) - Demographics of over posting (03:53) - Personal Background and posting - private school graduates(05:57) - Social Media for Social Change - who to listen to, making space(12:01) - Personal experience resonates more than opinion(29:35) - Analyzing Communication Strategies(30:17) - Class and Political Perception(31:19) - The Impact of Social Media on Politics(32:50) - The Role of Personal Involvement in Political Discourse(35:12) - The Power of Social Movements(37:04) - The Influence of Social Media on Social Movements(39:27) - The Complexity of Political Engagement(44:30) - The Role of Social Media in Raising Awareness

The team discuss a quote from Christian mystic Emmett Fox on grievances:“Going over old grievances mentally, thinking how badly someone acted at some time, for instance, and recalling the details, has the effect of revivifying that which was quietly expiring of neglect.”Joe quotes the cliché that “Having a resentment is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to get sick” and links resentments to addiction. Ali talks about how resentments led to disordered eating.Joe proposes complete forgiveness for all harms and Sam says “That’s Christianity!” and also Hare Krishna. The team discuss political resentments and justified resentment. The concept of The Secret Place, which is consciousness, is elucidated.Ali brings up old people trapped in bitterness and resentment. Sam discusses what memories came up for him when he had kids, and that he “is his parents”. The team get into some deep therapy gear & discuss spiritual solutions to deep seated problems. Joe realises Jesus is his homie. Sam points out that while that might be true Joe is actually the Woman at the Well. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Samaritan_woman_at_the_well(00:00) - Theme(00:22) - Host intro(00:31) - Discussing Personal Diagnoses and Neurodivergence(02:10) - Listener feedback: show blurb / we should discuss our diagnoses more(04:13) - The Impact of Resentments on Mental Health(24:20) - The Power of Forgiveness and Positive Thinking(27:49) - The Role of Therapy in Overcoming Resentments(31:49) - Personal Experiences with Resentments and Forgiveness(40:41) - The Influence of Parents and Childhood on Adult Relationships(50:44) - The Role of Spirituality in Overcoming Resentments(59:32) - Conclusion: The Continuous Journey of Self-ImprovementCreators & GuestsAli Catramados - HostJoe Loh - HostSam Ellis - HostIf you enjoy the show, others may also. It can be helpful to tell them what you get from it that you don't find elsewhere, and how to listen on their device. Find us at https://www.instagram.com/thetenthousandthingspodcast/

We discuss mental breakdowns: the need we all have occasionally, the experience of it, and the benefits! Joe, Sam and Ali have had at least one menty b each, as many people now call them. An almost loving and affectionate term, which suggests that this process is something we could maybe greet like a friend. However, it can be very frightening, and isolating, and difficult for others. We talk about the role of work pressures, unsustainable domestic roles, and the intensity of family life. 'Capitalism' gets a lot of the blame for mental breakdowns, from Ali and Sam at least. And we talk about how our ever-present childhood trauma may combine with recent experience and bring on a crisis.The shame that comes from having a mental breakdown can cause people to deny or conceal their experience, or to never speak of it. People often go to extraordinary lengths to avoid breakdowns. We tend to recommend not doing that, however we are not doctors, so seek your own advice. The benefits are many, and not just to the individual. A mental breakdown can signal problems that need addressing, by the person suffering directly, and by others around them. A proper breakdown will prompt the right adjustments much more effectively than a polite chat. It forces us to do what we need to do, which is often to rest, and give up all responsibilities completely, for some time, shorter or longer. By really pausing our lives, questioning all aspects of our existence, and what we think is important, we can build a new set of assumptions and priorities and begin again, changed.We agreed that discussing breakdowns may be helpful to all. When people tell their stories, it highlights the pressures of life, and helps others to acknowledge their own pressures and breakdowns. It's a chance to share what has been learned.People can gain valuable insights in the experience of our 'self' being deconstructed involuntarily, and through the task of building up the self again. We could think of it as dramatizing a process that occurs quietly, on a small scale, within us all. Every day, the self is put together and let go of again.Mental breakdowns often come from unsustainable pressures on a person. It could be a combination of many things over time, and/or a few big things coinciding. People may cope with a lot for a long time, and then find they are unable to continue coping. People may begin a breakdown following a shock, a major change of role or identity, or a death. Or it may be something less obvious, and it may take a relatively long time. The person experiencing breakdown may have been lacking what they needed to deal with a situation, or had habits or beliefs that needed to change. Sometimes people are able to adapt and avoid breakdown, through choice or unconscious adjustment, but a lot of us need to hit a brick wall in order to realise that we must change something in some way, whether it's ourselves, our beliefs, roles, or circumstances. Meanwhile, people around the sufferer also have the change to recognise that things were unsustainable and to be part of making the right changes. ------------------------------Image by Craig - Sycamore Gap - 'the Robin Hood tree'Share: Thank you for listening. If you enjoyed the ep share it from here https://tttt.transistor.fm/episodes/menty-bContact:Say g'day at threads.net/@thetenthousandthingspodcastor instagram.com/thetenthousandthingspodcast/ Creators & GuestsAli Catramados - HostJoe Loh - HostSam Ellis - Host@ali_from_reso@joefanebustloh/@toomanypictureswillneverbeseen

The team discuss the art of letting go of friends. Outgrowing friends or just growing in different directions? Joe says if you start judging friends it’s the beginning of the end. We get into painful friendship break ups. Platonic friendships – are men just biding their time? Sam recalls dating the hottest woman on Brunswick St, just to put it on the public record. Joe & Ali discuss their own weird bipolar friendship. Sam sings some Peter Allen. Deep conversations between men without mind altering substances – are they possible? Everyone wants to tell Ali and Joe their darkest secrets on dates but never want to see Joe again and want to be with Ali forever. Sam discusses his major bromance break up. We discuss money and class coming between people. Sam talks about making friends his family at boarding school and that influences his adult friendships.  Who can we really reach out to when we’re depressed? We talk for twenty minutes after we say we’re wrapping up and it’s all gold! (00:00) - Letting go of friends(00:21) - Letting go of friends more as you get older(00:52) - It's not because 'you've outgrown them' - there's too much ego in that(01:42) - Real friends can grow apart and together and can help each other grow(02:52) - When I start juding a friend, I know it's done(04:17) - Not afraid to let go. It will create space(06:58) - Who are your go to people?(10:35) - Friends you only 'see' or talk to online(11:39) - A/romantic friendships - when Harry met Ali - Friendzone (23:08) - Bromances and Broking Up(25:36) - You cannot swing by another man's house for a cup of coffee?(29:24) - Some friends you can just 'go there' straight to the deep and meaningful(31:17) - The mandatory dating content part of every episode(34:03) - The problem with empathy(35:21) - 'I can't adjust my settings'(35:26) - Bipolar friendships / movies(37:02) - Drifting and ghosting(40:02) - Class, money, and friendships(43:18) - Accepting your life, judging other people, creating space(44:11) - Being the needy texter friend(46:44) - You're not moving on because you're better(50:02) - Not reaching out, doesn't mean I don't love you. Not wanting to 'impose'(53:16) - Deleting numbers(54:56) - Degendering friendship. Platonic/romantic, female/male, not so different Creators & GuestsSam Ellis - HostAli Catramados - HostJoe Loh - HostLinks to article and movies mentioned:The problem with empathy, Vox, 2017. The article discusses the book Against Empathy - by Paul BloomTwo bipolar romance moviesKatie Holmes - Touched with FireJennifer Lawrence - Silver Linings PlaybookIf you like the show, tell a friend where to find us -> pod.link/tttt. Compliments, complaints, corrections at Insta/Threads, we're all in the metaverse dammit.