Welcome to the Imperfect Buddhist, where we discuss Mindfulness and Incorporating Zen Buddhism into everyday life. I'm your host Matthew Hawk Mahoney, and today's episode is titled Buddhism & Anger Pt. 2

So, I did it again! Outside of my body, I watched as my voice fell into a lower frequency, my volume raising as I said, "This is bullshit!." My boss's eyes widened. My poor coworker was caught in the middle looking down and away from the zoom camera call. "This is bullshit!" I said, "I refuse to accept this because it isn't fair. How about you thank me? Huh?" I finished, my face tight with the fire beneath my skin. My boss calmly said, "Alright, I will talk to you guys later." Hanging up.

Now three days later, in the pit of my stomach, there is a weight, a sadness underneath the surface. The rage hangover. I know this now. I have seen this before.

I look out of my window at the yellow Florida winter day. Tears well up in my eyes. Yes, I have seen this one before too. This experience is called Helplessness.

I have been sitting every day for the last couple of years and practicing off and on for 11 years. I have also added exercise and cleaned up my diet. Yet, here I am, regretting my latest tantrum. I have told myself before, "It's not worth it, Matt! This causes more problems than it solves." and yet here I am again, feeling hopeless.

So, what is the wise answer here? Desirelessness is Moksha Liberation, one of my favorite sayings, but how does it apply here? Until recently, I could only use this concept after the tantrum, letting go of the desire for what happened to be anything other than what it was.

Digging for answers, typing in "Sudden Anger" into doctor google, a Reddit came up, as they usually do. A person talked in the post about her struggles with irrational and disproportionate bursts of anger while driving, which I also experience sometimes. In the comments, someone responded with something that hit home for me. They said, "We get angry because there is something that we desire very strongly" they continued, "We want this so badly that we get angry to try and attain that thing or correct a certain behavior."

What did I desire at that moment? I wanted my boss and coworker to see me as competent; I didn't want to be blamed for something I didn't do. I desired so badly that I burst out in anger, throwing a total rage fit.

Where does Buddhism end and Mental Health counseling begin? This is a great question, one that I am still exploring. At times I get tastes of an answer; however, only small. Many masters say that we don't practice Zazen to change anything. Zazen allows us to come into contact with what is.

Well, what is, is that I barf up these rage fits, usually out of nowhere, surprising myself and others. Full of regret, I feel isolated and without recourse. I seriously resolved in the past to shrug my shoulders and write it off as the imperfection of life, as promised by the buddha.

This is the trickiest Karmic pattern I have encountered yet. The second is jealousy, and the third is Nicotine. This one is challenging because it arises suddenly, strongly with what appears to be no premeditation. There is no buffer room from "this upsets" me to "rage fit."

Zen brings us into contact with what is. Sometimes seeing what is in the brilliance of clear sight can change the thing we see clearly. Other times, for instance, my current dilemma, more profound work will need to be done. The wise counsel of a trained professional.

The wonderful thing about this latest outburst is that it puts me into contact with humility. Driving home after dropping my wife off at work, I put on the latest Imperfect Buddhist episode, Buddhism & Resistance. What a juxtaposition. Starting the episode, I say calmly into the mic, "Peace exists on the other side of your resistance." going on to share some insights about peace and letting go.

Not one day after the episode was released, I am having a big anger outburst at work. Resisting my projected fears about inadequacy and blame.

This practice has a way of humbling anyone who truly walks its path. Thank god I named this the Imperfect Buddhist Podcast! It makes it so much easier when I make a mistake. I can share my shortcomings with you.

This latest outburst has brought up a lot of questions about Buddhism and what expectations I place on my practice. It brings up questions about how seriously to take my own Karma and the harm it causes others. It points to the soft underbelly of my practice, stating calmly and confidently, "How 'awake' are you now, Matt?."

The illusion that if we are just mindful enough, sit enough, or are the perfect student that our own imperfections will vanish. That this practice will fix me and I will once and for all become perfect becomes apparent as an illusion, as a farce. This realization leaves me standing naked to my own shortcomings and the effort that will be necessary to form new habits. This concept reminds me of my wife, and I's favorite M. Scott Peck quote.

"Love is not effortless. To the contrary, love is effortful."

Desirelessness. Such a touchy subject in Buddhism, for if we don't desire anything, how will we ever change? The trick is witnessing the things that are less than ideal in ourselves, non judgementally. If we approach the hurt part of ourselves that is harming others with a voice of condemnation, we inflict further pain on ourselves and continue the cycle.

This approach may be scary for the highly moral out there. I, like many others, believe the self scolding voice is necessary to keep me on a virtuous path. How would I know I have done wrong without this internal self-scolding dialogue? How will I not perpetuate this behavior in the future? We don't need the voice in our head to tell us what we did was wrong. Our bodies will tell us. Inside we have a fine-tuned compass that will tell us if our behavior is off in the weeds. If what we have done isn't in alignment with what is right.

The trick is to let go of all this internal dialogue and rumination on our harmful behavior, make amends, and admit our shortcomings to those affected by our negative Karma. Then we pay attention to our internal compass, our "gut," and begin the process of forming new, hopefully, more wholesome karmic patterns.

Another blessing of these anger outbursts is compassion. Who understands people who are physically violent with their partners or friends? I indeed never truly was. The gift of my anger imperfection allows me to see more clearly how automatic our Karma can be. How it can take hold so fast and ferociously that afterward, we are left clutching our tattered dignity and moral compass.

Some karma is so volatile, chemical, and buried. These patterns operate deep in one's psyche and subtle emotions. Bursting forth uncontrollably.

Embracing a more lighthearted approach to our deepest troubles allows room for grace. Yes, my anger issues are serious, but ultimately, in perspective, life is doing a dance through me, this one called anger, but now that I am becoming more aware of it, I become more responsible. Response able. The more I become aware of it, the more accountable I become; change can happen.

The trick here is that we aren't creating an identity out of the heaviest, most opaque parts of ourselves. We see these parts of ourselves and recognize them more and more for what they are. The more I become acquainted with my anger, the more I can greet it even in its most subtle forms. Hello anger, I see you dressed up as criticism today. Then I can ask, "Why did you feel the need to dress up as criticism? Maybe anger would respond, "Well, so and so didn't do this and that the way I needed!" Then maybe I would ask, "How do you feel when you criticize?" and anger would say, "Well, now my chest is a lot tighter, my jaw is clenched, and I didn't even get my way!" I could follow up by asking, "So was it worth it, anger, to criticize in the first place?" This would really have to be one of my best days...

I feel more hope for myself and others encountering their own chemical karmic patterns.

I recognize that each moment will require something different from me and that I may actually be resisting the thing in front of me through inaction. See, I had this concept backward originally. I used to believe that simply recognizing the emotions within myself, seeing the desire for something to be other than what it was, would be enough. Sometimes that is all that is required. In this case, I never fully recognized what I was doing when a coworker disappointed me with their lack of communication skills residual frustration being stored away. These resentments building and stacking up until BAM! Rage Fit.

During a recent Imperfect Buddhist interview with Kakumyo, he mentioned that sometimes new Karma in the opposite direction of your old Karma can be helpful. Applying this, recently, an encounter came up at work, pushing the "unfairness button" within, only this time I saw the tension in my body and that familiar vortex within. I said, "Oh! Time to tune in, Matt" recognizing this as part of the resentment buildup phase of my rage-fit karmic pattern, I started some deep breathing practices. 5 1/2 seconds in 5 1/2 seconds out. Okay, body equalized now. Let's take inventory. Asking myself: What about this situation or interaction frustrated me? Oh! I feel my intelligence/integrity is being blamed for the disorganization of this job. Is this a valid frustration? Are others experiencing this? Okay, what would be proactive action to help solve this to make it better in the future? How can I ask for what I need? How can I contribute to the solution?

Thanks so much for enjoying this episode. This one was hard to write as it isn't easy to admit one's shortcomings, but I want to share the complete picture of my experience on this side.

I hope you have a wonderful next couple of weeks, until next time, Matt.

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