We’ve got Gina Rinehart-levels of gold flowing in the pool thanks to Ariane Titmus and Kaylee McKeown, and a swimming team that is pleasing its AOC masters by rag-dolling socials with regular viral content.

But while this may be keeping John Coates happy, what about the locals in Japan? Is there anything in the COVID marshall handbook for negotiating a gyrating white man? And why does the IOC bristle about podium trivialities, but couldn’t care less about a profanity voiced by Rebecca Gibney?

Once this is sorted, we talk about the ASMR-qualities of Ian Thorpe, blokes in Kathmandu puffer jackets and a repechage for Good Strong Women, before wrapping it up with daggy parents and China’s tactic of conquering the West by body-shaming it’s own female weightlifters.

Audio production courtesy of Tim ‘T-Dog’ Eldridge. Graphic design courtesy of Julia Edwards.

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