What do you think you might learn about communication if you held thousands of conversations with strangers over the course of a decade?   Well, you don't have to wonder. My guest in this episode can tell you.   Back in 2015, while working as a sales rep tasked with cold-calling people who didn't want to talk to him, Rob Lawless started a side project to see if he could have conversations with complete strangers.   Rob set a goal: to have an hour-long chat with 10,000 people about whatever topic was most important to them that day.   This episode features Rob's 6,140th conversation on his way to 10,000, and it's with me.   We discuss many things, but perhaps most importantly, we dive into the lessons Rob has learned about communication and nuance along the way.   Check out Rob's work at https://www.robs10kfriends.com/ and at https://www.roblawless.com/, and follow Rob's journey on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/robs10kfriends/.

If you were to track how many times per day someone tried to convince you to change in some way, chances are you'd fill up pages worth of tally marks.   We often get sucked into thinking that the way to change people's minds to get them to do what we want them to do is to present them with enough evidence, data, and proof that our way is the "right" way.   But deep down, you know that's not how it works, don't you?   If you're not sure, allow my guest, Michael McQueen, to lay it out for you.   Michael is the author of the book "Mindstuck: Mastering the Art of Changing Minds," and in this conversation, Michael outlines why so often, our approach to change fails to take into account two of the most important factors in human belief and behavior: identity and dignity.   Check out Michael's work at https://michaelmcqueen.net/ and connect with Michael on Linkedin at https://www.linkedin.com/in/michaelmcqueen1/.

This episode is taken from my recent appearance on Kwame Christian's "Negotiate Anything" podcast. In this discussion, Kwame and I take a deep dive into my book, "Can I Ask A Question?" and explore how the book came to be and the lessons about communication and change that I learned along the way.   To order a signed copy of my book, go to https://michaelashford.com/caniaskaquestion   To order Can I Ask A Question? from Amazon, go to https://www.amazon.com/Can-Ask-Question-Following-communication/dp/1312245492/ref=sr_1_5

My guest in this episode is Steve Leskovek, a retired nurse who has created a resource to teach teens and young adults valuable life skills that Steve realized were not being taught in schools.   The word resource might be underselling it a bit — Steve created an entire curriculum, complete with video tutorials and study guides for everything from financial literacy to basic home care to employment and workplace skills. Thus, he called it the Life Skills Curriculum.   As you’ll hear, Steve still has the heart of a nurse and an overwhelming drive to reduce strife and suffering for others, which is how Life Skills Curriculum came to be. Steve’s work is born out of the same place as our desire to keep loved ones safe.   Steve and I discuss in depth a few critical themes central to this show that also flow through much of his course material — communication and understanding how and why people change, and just how often progress in those areas starts from within.   Check out Steve's work at https://www.thelifeskillscurriculum.com/.    Connect with me on my website at https://michaelashford.com.

If you’re anything like me, you’ve noticed over the past decade or so the emergence — or at least the increased use of — the word neurodivergent.   And if you’re anything like me, you heard the term and made some assumptions about what it meant, what and who it described, and why it started showing up in more places and in more conversations…perhaps without really understanding or knowing much of the backstory or origins.   My guest in this episode is Meghan Bonde, a neurodiversity specialist and a former educator, and even she acknowledges the recent increase in usage of the phrase neurodivergent, despite the fact that it’s been around longer than perhaps you and certainly I realized.   But Meghan brings a perspective beyond just the usage of the word, as well as some terms and descriptions that might be new to you, as they were to me.   As you’ll hear Meghan explain, neurodivergent individuals have a different way of perceiving the world, and she emphasizes the importance of understanding these differences from a strength-based perspective, rather than how she believes they’ve been treated for so long — as dividing labels.   Check out Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted at https://www.sengifted.org/ or Meghan's work at https://www.teamneurodivergent.com/.   Connect with Meghan at https://www.linkedin.com/in/meghan-bonde-connect/.

One of the ways us humans feel the most vulnerable and least empowered is when others have authority and control over us.   Take away a person’s sense of autonomy and I’ll show you a person who is unsure of themselves, angry, and without peace.   When you voluntarily give away power and control over your thoughts and actions, psychologist Amy Morin says this chips away at your mental strength and your ability to be emotionally healthy.   As she wrote in her first book, “13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do,” “giving other people the power to control how you think, feel, and behave makes it impossible to be mentally strong.”   In this conversation, Amy and I discuss what happens when you reclaim control over your thoughts and feelings, how it allows you to separate your opinions from facts, and how her experiences with grief and loss led her to write her original list of 13 things mentally strong people don’t do that turned into so much more than she could have anticipated.   Check out Amy's work at https://amymorinlcsw.com/   Subscribe to my newsletter, The Follow-Up, at https://michaelashford.com/newsletter

The phrase "Everyone has an opinion about everything these days," is often thrown out like it’s a bad thing.   But, you’re a human being. Of course you have opinions.   The bigger issue, in my humble, ahem, opinion, is that you are exposed to more peoples’ opinions and feedback and ideas than ever before.   You’re bombarded seemingly from all directions constantly.   The feedback loop all too often feels like a feedback fire hose.    And just like a firehose, there’s a missing element from all of this feedback: care for what or who is on the receiving end.   My guest in this episode is Jason Rosoff, the CEO and Co-Founder of an organization called Radical Candor, which he started with Kim Scott, who wrote the book, Radical Candor.   Jason and I discuss what Radical Candor is, but at its core, it’s about delivering important feedback while demonstrating care, especially when you don’t know the other person.   Jason describes some very real fears we all have — our fear of being known and our fear of having the things we care about dissected by others — and he outlines just how important delivering feedback with care can be to helping others not immediately get consumed by their emotions and feelings.   Learn more about Jason's work at https://www.radicalcandor.com/ and connect with Jason on LinkedIn at https://www.linkedin.com/in/jason-r-rosoff/   Learn more about my work at https://michaelashford.com

What in the world do witchcraft panics and witch trials have to do with communication?   I assure you, after hearing this episode, there will be little doubt of the linkage.   My guest is Steije Hofhuis, a Dutch university lecturer and historian and an expert on the early modern witchcraft panics that swept across Europe in the 15th, 16th, and 17th centuries, not unlike those that occurred in Salem, Massachusetts, in the late 1600s here in the United States.   As Steije explains, the ways in which witchcraft panics spread very much mimicked how a virus might sweep through a population — a notion with which we are, unfortunately, all too familiar these days.   And, as we’ve also seen, the hysteria and fear that comes with these outbreaks — so to speak — can cause humans to do and believe some pretty incredible things.   The no-win situations we twist ourselves into just to be “right” and “certain,” that we’re the ones who are healthy and “they” are the afflicted ones, not only look foolish when seen through the 20/20 perspective of hindsight, but in real-time affect peoples’ lives in some extremely damaging and destructive ways.   Check out more of Steije's work at https://www.uu.nl/medewerkers/STHofhuis, and connect with Steije on LinkedIn at https://www.linkedin.com/in/steije-hofhuis-1aa88363/.    Order my book, "Can I Ask A Question?" at https://michaelashford.com/caniaskaquestion.   Subscribe to my YouTube channel at https://www.youtube.com/@michaeldashford.

You know the old saying “Never judge a book by its cover?”   I’ll admit, this week’s guest put me to the test.   Gary John Bishop is what he calls an “urban philosopher” and a New York Times bestselling author of titles such as Stop Doing That Sh*t, Wise and F*ck, Love Unf*cked, and his most well-known work, Unf*ck Yourself.   Gary’s got a new book out called “Grow Up: Becoming the Parent Your Kids Deserve.” And when I agreed to the interview, I did so with a heavy dose of skepticism.   But trust me when I tell you, my expectations of this conversation and the conversation that actually took place could not be more different.   In this interview, Gary brings a depth and perspective about personal growth, blame, truth, and yes, even a little bit of parenting that left my first impressions of Gary and his work in tatters.   As Gary wrote in his book, “Grow Up” is a must for all human beings, regardless of their parental status, and the same holds true for this conversation and the wisdom Gary shares in encouraging us all to be someone who can ask a question that changes everything.

We live in a world where the individual is celebrated and held up as the first and last option, and reliance on others is shamed and degraded in many ways.   Yet, it goes against who we are and who we are made to be.   We’re tribal.   We work best in small groups, sharing resources and working together to solve problems.   But what happens when this tribe drive goes haywire?   David Samson believes our bent towards tribalism has its negative consequences, but it can be overcome, and tribalism and understanding the ways we work together as humans can actually be a good thing, if we pay attention to it.   David is an associate professor of biological anthropology at the University of Toronto, and the author of the book Our Tribal Future: How to channel our foundational human instincts into a force for good.   As you’ll hear from David and as he writes in his book, no one is immune from the biases, notions, and tribal bents that govern your worldview, and by extension, how you aim to solve problems. Accepting this, and then critically examining how this has shaped your perception of reality, can be an unlock to communicating across differences and divides, and to actually solving real challenges and issues.

I am thrilled to welcome John Noltner back to the show for another conversation on what it means to intentionally seek out and create peace.   After John and I first connected in the fall of 2021 for episode 62, John and his wife sold their home, moved into a van, and set out on the road interviewing people from all walks of life to uncover their stories — the stories that reveal the common ground we share.   John has a new book about to be released that documents these travels called "Lessons on the Road to Peace," and he and I discuss what he learned along the way.   Check out John's work at https://apomm.net/.

I’ve mentioned many times that I am a lifelong Christian, and perhaps when you heard that you made some assumptions about me — about what I believe, about what I am not only for, but what I am against, about how I see the world and those living in it.   And know that I’m not judging you for that. That’s a human thing to do.   But the conversation you’re about to hear might challenge a lot of those assumptions — whether you’re Christian or not. Whether you believe in God or don’t.    This conversation with Pastor Mark Feldmeir explores the many questions I and many others like me are asking about our faith, undergirded by this notion or idea that questioning faith is actually a good thing.   Mark is the author of a new book called Life After God: Finding Faith When You Can’t Believe Anymore. In it, Mark challenges the understanding of God that many Christians insist is so clear in the Bible, but that makes faith seem like an all-or-nothing proposition.   Connect with Mark on his website at https://www.markfeldmeir.com/ and on Twitter/X at https://twitter.com/feldmeir.    Connect with me at https://michaelashford.com, and subscribe to my newsletter at https://michaelashford.com/newsletter to receive a special bonus worksheet!

Much of our language these days carries with it an unspoken message — an undertone of an individualistic, self-serving, perhaps even entitled mindset about not just our actions, but our beliefs and opinions.   But what of our responsibilities to others? Do those even exist? Or, what of our responsibilities to question ourselves? Is that a thing?   In this episode, I welcome back Andy Norman. Andy was my guest back in episode 65 when we discussed his book, Mental Immunity, and he’s the Co-Founder and CEO of The Mental Immunity Project.   Andy and I discuss belief attachment and its role in driving us to be more unthinkingly binary in how we view complex issues and indiscriminately suspicious of new ideas.   What Andy advocates for is what he calls “shades of gray thinking” as a way to invite in nuance and dig out of a binary mindset where you’re forced to have all the answers all the time (which, by the way, simply isn’t possible).   At the core of Andy’s message is a call to hold onto beliefs lightly and be willing to challenge them, not to necessarily prove yourself wrong, but to be more adept at recognizing when and why your capacity to think critically might be weakened or perhaps even intentionally hijacked.   Check out Andy's work at https://andynorman.org/ and https://mentalimmunityproject.org/, and take the Mental Immunity challenge at https://mentalimmunityproject.org/mi-challenge/.

In this episode, I welcome Josh Lewis, the host of Saving Elephants, a podcast and blog espousing the goodness and benefits of the conservative tradition in the United States.   Josh believes bad actors have hijacked conservatism, and if true conservatism is to survive — where the wisdom of the past is applied to the challenges of the present — then it will be up to Millennials to recapture its true meaning.   In 2016, Josh stepped down as the treasurer of the Tulsa County Oklahoma Republican Party when he saw conservatism going in a direction that strayed from its historical foundations set for by people like Edmund Burke, Thomas Sowell, and William F. Buckley.   Josh and I discuss his draw to the original premise of conservatism, the modern Republican party and Donald Trump, as well as his overarching belief that true conservatism embraces lively yet civil dialogue.   Check out Josh's work at https://www.savingelephantsblog.com/ and connect with Josh at https://twitter.com/svngelephants.

What happens if we never shed our child ego as we graduate into adulthood? How might someone show up in the world if they never emotionally mature past the child ego state, especially when conflict is present?   Dr. Reneé Carr is a psychologist and an advisor to political leaders at the state and national levels. Reneé’s gift is the ability to apply her background and understanding of psychology to not only help explain but to also help solve social challenges and problems, especially in instances where conflict is present and our ego gets in the way.    The cynic in you and in me only sees the conflict. The child ego in us only lets us see issues from our vantage point.   What Reneé shares in this episode is a reframing of conflict, one of opportunity and not threat to you and your needs, where we can discuss controversial issues without creating division — whether that be in politics or perhaps more relevant to you and me, even in our families, our friend groups, and our workplaces.   Want to be more confident in how you deliver your message? Check out my speaking and communications coaching.

In this solo episode, I give you a behind-the-scenes look at what went into my new book, Can I Ask A Question?   I reveal the themes and principles that inspired the book, which includes my ASK then SEE method of communicating through conflict.   My book is available for preorder at https://michaelashford.com/caniaskaquestion until Sept. 20, 2023. The book will be publicly available in mid-October.

What is active listening, and how does it make someone a good listener?   These days, the answers to those questions are complicated, mostly because we've lost sight of the goal of listening.   In this solo episode, I tackle how active listening has been warped into something it was never intended to be, and how we can refocus ourselves on the true definition of listening.   Preorder my book, Can I Ask A Question, at https://michaelashford.com/caniaskaquestion.    Check out my speaking and communications coaching at https://michaelashford.com/communicate-well-coaching.

If I were to ask, “Do you know someone addicted to drama?” there’s a good chance someone’s name and face immediately popped into your mind.   In the immortal words of those epic modern day poets, The Black Eyed Peas: "I think the whole world's addicted to the drama; Only attracted to things that'll bring you trauma."   As it turns out, the Peas weren’t too far off.   My guest in this episode is Dr. Scott Lyons a psychologist, a renowned body-based trauma expert, and the author of the book “Addicted to Drama: Healing Dependency on Crisis & Chaos in Yourself and Others”   As you’ll hear from Scott, drama addiction is a very real thing far beyond a label you might throw out when you’re annoyed by someone’s behavior, and like so many other addictions, it is often wildly misunderstood — how it starts, what it’s masking, and ultimately, what’s needed to overcome and resolve it.

Imagine I'm standing right across from you and I tell you I'm thinking about eating a steak. Psychology tells us that you likely would assume that was true, and that actually, you assume the things most people tell you are true.   But how can you be sure?   In this episode, I speak with Dr. Kurt Gray, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at the University of North Carolina and the Director of the Deepest Beliefs Lab as well as the Center for the Science of Moral Understanding.   I came across Kurt’s work when I watched his TEDx Talk, What Am I Thinking, where he illustrates just how hard it is to know what’s in another person’s mind and in turn, what might be true for them.   It’s called the problem with other minds, and it is a major stumbling block when it comes to the things we value, our morals as individuals, and our ability to communicate across disagreements and divides.   Watch Kurt's TEDx Talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQmQMCi5mNc   Check out Kurt's work: https://www.kurtjgray.com/   Follow Kurt on Twitter: https://twitter.com/kurtjgray

Is there anything a person can do that makes them unworthy of our empathy, curiosity, or compassion?   What if they’ve done something truly heinous?   This episode features my conversation with Robin Steinberg, who spent 35 years as a public defender in New York representing people in court who couldn’t afford a lawyer, many of whom had undeniably committed horrific crimes.    In her book, “The Courage of Compassion: A Journey from Judgment to Connection,” and in this conversation, Robin makes the case that even in instances where a person has committed a crime, they are still worthy of being treated with dignity. While she acknowledges that even for her, practicing compassion for people who have committed crimes doesn’t always come instinctively, getting there is made easier by asking a question that creates a perspective shift — Would you want your entire worth as a person judged by the worst mistake you ever made?   Robin is on a mission to help people maintain their humanity throughout their experience in the United States legal system, which Robin says crushes people before they are ever convicted of a crime, even in instances where the accused is innocent.   I encourage you to listen closely to what Robin is advocating for. She’s not asking for excuses…she’s asking for curiosity.