Abuse in a relationship can take so many forms beyond the typified physical abuse, there can be dangerous behaviors that can touch on emotional, social and spiritual aspects of the person who is being abused. Most often, all of these different aspects of dangerous relationships are interrelated and come into play at different points during the destructive cycle. Relationship abuse is defined as any behavior that results in emotional, social, or physical harm to another person. It is never acceptable to inflict or to accept being harmed in the context of any type of relationship. This applies to family, friends, acquaintances or dating.Some of the terrible impacts from dangerous and/or abusive relationships are a reduction in physical and mental health. People who have endured abuse experience a distortion of their self-worth, self-confidence, freedom and social support.Join Dr. Grand and Nick in delving into how to identify some warning signs, and overcome the impact of these dangerous relationships that can manifest in so many different aspects of our lives. Support the show

One of the foundations for having a healthy relationship is respecting the boundaries that each person has communicated. This goes beyond being polite and involves listening intently and honoring what the other person requests. This is especially applicable regarding what is and what is not acceptable to the person. When we tell another person what we are OK and not OK with, it establishes a boundary that should not be crossed. If we ask the person not to do something and they do it anyway, it could be a sign of an unhealthy relationship. Boundaries are your personal rights and are very similar to the Bill of Rights written in the Constitution of the United States. Below are 10 individual rights that every person on planet earth should have. If we can honor and be honored by other people in these ways below, we will understand and practice good boundaries in our relationships.Each person has the right to:1.      feel good about who they are.     2.      express feelings.3.      express likes and dislikes.4.      pursue life interests.5.      become more.6.      say “no” to whatever violates his/her values.7.      be a human and make honest mistakes.8.      be treated with respect.9.      be heard and taken seriously.10.   feel worthy and valuable.          The real question is, “how does a person go about setting appropriate boundaries in their life”. Boundaries allow you to have your own personal space and your own independent life. Boundaries help you to be yourself rather than what someone else wants you to be.  Join Dr. Robert Grand and Nick Sweem in this discussion on how and why to set boundaries throughout your life, from work and school to dating and family. Support the show

Lets be honest, sometimes we let our emotions get the best of us. Its easy to understand the function and purpose of some positive emotions, nothing can feel better than being joyous or being completely at peace in the moment but what is the function, purpose and traps that we find in some negative emotions. More importantly, how can we find our way out of these traps, recover from the negative emotions that sometimes can seem to control and inundate our lives.Emotions are necessary and useful to our lives for multiple reasons. They make us aware that something is going right or wrong. Unfortunately, our emotions drive our behavior and for this reason we need to better understand and acknowledge them. Tragic circumstances and experiences can sometimes damage or distort our emotions. For those that fall into this category, we can recover if we are honest about where we are, and then seek help to resolve the negative emotions. Having better relationships can start with a change in our actions. Sometimes the changes that we make spur on change in others. Let it always begin with us and remember that our behavior is the only thing that we have control over. In our recovery we will analyze behaviors and emotions that tend to cause or contribute to unhealthy conditions in our lives. Join Dr. Robert Grand and Nick Sweem as they talk about the role, purpose and healing that can be found in our emotions. Discover the path to healing and understanding with the help of our Lord.Support the show

All people on this side of heaven would benefit from consistent contrary action, which put simply means to do the opposite of what our sin nature tempts us to do. This demonstrates a willingness to go to any length to cooperate with God.This is where we must persevere, through our rigorous  honesty, our honest exploration of who we are versus who we want to be, who the Lord has designed us to be. While this can be an exhaustive and at times daunting process, the rewards are nothing short of transformative. The key in this is to understand that your willingness will at times be measured in your perseverance, patience and dedication to the process that God has started in your life, and heart.Humility is practiced by.·         Surrendering your own will to God daily.·         Accepting responsibility for your own actions.·         Thinking of the welfare of others.·         Serving the needs of others.7th STEP PRAYERLord, I am now willing that You should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that You now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to You and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do Your bidding. AmenSupport the show

Rigorous honesty is essential in becoming entirely ready.·         Codependency, addictions and trauma usually involve a denial of truth because of the tragic and painful circumstances associated with them.·         In addition to that, many of us have been raised in shame-based families which deeply reinforces a denial of truth and distorts our perception.   ·         The denial and distortion of truth gives the adversary room to gain mental, emotional and spiritual strongholds in our lives.·         These strongholds magnify and exacerbate our sinful character traits which results in relational discord.·         It takes courage to be truthful about our sinful nature and admit our wrongs, but if we can, it sets the stage for true repentance to take place. ·         True repentance kicks out the lies of the enemy and provides Christ the room to remove these sinful defects of character.  ·         We no longer need to cling to the lies of the enemy which propels us in the wrong direction.·         In this step we embrace the truth and reject these things that have held us back from loving God and one another.·         God makes us aware that changes need to happen, but in order to change us He requires our utmost honesty and cooperation.·         This step is a lifelong effort to place ourselves near the Savior so that He will change us into His likeness.·         He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (Philippians 1:6), and it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose (Philippians 2:13).Support the show

Trauma is a complex issue that has many negative emotions that are like the addict or codependent. For this reason, the 5th step can be a very effective way of uncovering toxic emotions, discovering God’s love for them and discarding the lies of the enemy that holds each of us back from a full relationship with Christ and others. The natural tendency is to question God about the reasons for the trauma and/or ensure that justice is delivered for those responsible for the tragedy. Each of these cases involves resentment, at some level, which needs to be dealt with so that the grieving process can move through to its completion. It is recommended in certain circumstances, depending on the individual’s level of trauma and preference, that a skilled therapist takes part in this process due to the complexity of the trauma.What would change if you began to look toward God and His good design for you?What if we could really grasp that we have intrinsic worth and value because we are made in the image of God?We can exchange the misery of pride, fear and resentment with God’s wonderful design for us. All we need to do is stop serving ourselves and serving God.What person does not want to make peace with his past? How many of us enter recovery with deep feelings of shame, fear, pride, resentment or are perplexed about the meaning of past events? If we can admit to God, ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs, we will not regret the past anymore. We will better understand how our behavior and attitudes contribute to conflicts and more importantly, we will see how our experiences can benefit others.Support the show

You might feel apprehensive about sharing the hope of Christ in recovery, do not be discouraged. Just remember to share your experience, strength and hope about Christ and how He saved you from addictions, codependency or trauma and you have said volumes to another.Come and listen, all you who fear God; let me tell you what he has done for me. (Psalm 66:16, NIV)·         Knowing how to properly help others without hurting ourselves in the process is vital to long term recovery from our problems. The scriptures below explain how we are to love and care for others in a biblical way. We must be cognizant about maintaining good boundaries because there is a fine line between helping another and enabling. In our efforts to reach out to those still suffering, we must practice good self-care, or we will become exhausted and have nothing to give. This means not neglecting our own families and developing a lifestyle that is conducive to health and happiness.www.FamilyAfterwards.comSupport the show

Is your understanding of Christ a ritualistic and rutty experience, or are you engaging yourself with the Living God? Religiosity could be defined as making a way to God entirely through human effort. A life run on self-propulsion is destined to fail, while one that is Holy Spirit driven is certain to lead us to the promises of God! To characterize this struggle of right relationship with God, we can look at two acronyms that will help you to remember the vital tenets of the faith and what to watch out for. The CATS and DOGS acronym can help us to remember this vital life lesson.Relationship·         Confession- We admit our powerlessness to God in prayer.·         Adoration- We respond with loving communication to God.·         Thanksgiving- We are grateful for all that he has done and going to do in our lives.·         Supplication- We communicate our obedience to Gods will for our lives.Religiosity ·         Dogmatic- Implies being emphatic about the rules. ·         Ostentatious- Is the quality of seeking attention toward yourself.·         Grandiosity- Inflates your self-importance.·         Self-serving- Creates a strong disposition for idolatry, mainly you!  We all have the choice to serve Christ daily or to run on self-propulsion and be isolated from Christ and the Holy Spirit. The choice is always ours to make.www.FamilyAfterwards.comSupport the show

Giving the Holy Spirit room to operate in our conflicts.·         As our recovery progresses, the Holy Spirit can guide us in understanding our part in conflicts.·         When we are agitated or doubtful, we become a target for the adversary. He manipulates circumstances in our relationships to create conflict, strife and division in the body of Christ.·         We need to pause and ask the Holy Spirit for guidance and direction before a conflict spins out of control.·         If a conflict does spin out of control, we need to ask the Holy Spirit to guide us in seeing our wrongs or contribution to the conflict.·         Promptness is the key ingredient in making this step effective; it prevents the adversary from getting a stronghold in our relationships.Understanding that Jesus has paid the price for our sins should change our perspective regarding conflict.·         We need to burn into our conscience, all the grace and mercy freely given to us by Jesus so that we can move from self-hatred to self-reflection.·         When we acknowledge what Jesus has done for us, our inventories will be centered on making things right with someone else versus over-focusing on our wrongs.www.FamilyAfterwards.comSupport the show

Keep Your Motives Pure.·         Making amends is not about forgiveness, believing that Jesus died on the cross for our sins is how we receive forgiveness. ·         Making amends is not about getting things off your chest, that’s what the 4th and 5th Steps are for. ·         Making amends are centered on repairing the damage you’ve caused in other people’s lives.·         Making amends requires a great deal of courage due to facing those we have wronged. ·         Placing our focus on the well-being of others helps to reduce the shame associated with our wrongdoing.Making amends involves willingness and constructive action to make things right with those we have harmed. Like Zacchaeus, we should demonstrate surrender to all that Jesus Christ has done for us. This is a giant step forward in clearing the wreckage of the past. By making amends we will have a much greater degree of closure and consequently move towards serving God and our fellows in a much more significant way.www.FamilyAfterwards.comSupport the show

What are amends? ·                  To make right where we have done wrong.·                  If finances were involved, we need to pay back what we owe.·                  Living/Indirect Amends are done when we cannot directly apologize or make financial restitution due to death or it would cause further harm. This demonstrates that we are willing to make restitution for whatever harm we have inflicted. An example of this would be donating money to a charity that is related to the damage we have caused.·                  “If you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar and…someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.” (Matthew 5:23)·                  Sometimes it is simply an admission of our wrong actions, while other more complicated amends may require a long-term commitment to make things right in a relationship.What types of harm do we owe an amends for?·         Emotional- treating people in any other way than you would want to be treated.·         Physical- inflicting any form of physical harm.·         Sexual- inflicting any form of sexual harm.·         Financial- taking anything that did not belong to you.·         Spiritual- when we mislead or impact the well-being of others it causes spiritual damage.·         “Do to others as you would like them to do to you.” (Luke 6:31)www.FamilyAfterwards.comSupport the show

The Fifth Step of Life Recovery is about beginning to level our pride which can often hinder our walk with the Lord though the recovery process. In theory many feel that "there is no reason why I cannot admit these things to the Lord and move on.” While this may seem applicable, practical experience teaches us otherwise. We have found that sharing these experiences with a trusted friend takes the power out of these circumstances. This is accomplished through an understanding relationship and an objective outside opinion. The additional perspective gained by sharing our previous and most troubling circumstances, can bring about tremendous relief and clarity to our lives.We’re not the point, even though we want to be the point. Our sin nature is naturally bent toward what I want, what I need and what I desire. The revealing of how our sin nature has brought us into a collision course with God and those around us is the exact point of the 5th step. Selfishness and self-centeredness are the root of pride, fear and resentment and many conflicts are birthed from these negative emotions.What areas are you consistently looking to the world for contentment, purpose, meaning or comfort? What would change if you began to look toward God and His good design for you?·         “Then God said, ‘Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness’… So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God He created them; male and female He created them” (Genesis 1:26- 27, NIV) What if we could really grasp that we have intrinsic worth and value because we are made in the image of God?·         “Bring My Sons and My Daughters from the ends of the earth. Everyone who is called by My name, and whom I have created for My Glory, whom I have formed, even whom I have made.” (Isaiah 43:6-7, NASB)What person does not want to make peace with his past? How many of us enter recovery with deep feelings of shame, fear, pride, resentment or are perplexed about the meaning of past events? If we can admit to God, ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs, we will not regret the past anymore. We will better understand how our behavior and attitudes contribute to conflicts and more importantly, we will see how our experiences can benefit others.Support the show

Humility is vital when asking God to remove our defects of character. This movement from pride to humility is instantaneous for some, but often, this change occurred after an honest and thorough personal inventory and then contrary action until Christ has transformed us. We must continue to ask Christ for daily help because of the pervasive sin nature that we all have. In those with addiction, codependency and trauma, the stakes are higher due to the complexity of our life problems. All people on this side of heaven would benefit from consistent contrary action, which put simply means to do the opposite of what our sin nature tempts us to do. This demonstrates a willingness to go to any length to cooperate with God. Step 7:  Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.What is a shortcoming?Any weakness that leads to sin.A flaw of character.An inability to meet the standard.for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, (Romans 3:23)What is humility?The absence of pride. Being comfortable with who you are.Thinking less about yourself and more about others.Humility resolves conflicts with wisdom and love.Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than you. (Philippians 2:3)We need humility for three pertinent reasons.We have a sin problem that is the source of most of our problems.We do not have sufficient power to relieve our sin nature.God will provide the humble with the power to carry out His will. Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death—even death on a cross! (Philippians 2:5-8)Humility is practiced by.·         Surrendering your own will to God daily.·         Accepting responsibility for your own actions.·         Thinking of the welfare of others.·         Serving the needs of others.·         Prioritizing character building before comfort.·         Recognizing your gifts are from God.·         I am not in the least inferior to the “super-apostles,” even though I am nothing. (2 Corinthians 12:11)Support the show

What would Jesus say and do for someone struggling with a mental health problem?We need the Holy Spirit to understand the Bible, and people, always pray before helping people in crisis. Death and Life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits. (Proverbs 18:21 ESV) We have the power to hurt and help depending on how we approach people in crisis. •1 in 5 people will experience a mental health problem at any given time.•60% of mental health problems go untreated.•The Church is often the first-place people will go to get help.•Therefore, we need to be trauma and mental health informed. •The historic trend has been that mental health problems are ignored or thought to be a spiritual problem. (Lack of faith, forgiveness) or (Sin)•Some mental health problems are related to sin, faith, or forgiveness but many are not, and we can steer people away from the truth and solution.•The ultimate consequence is a person leaving the church with shame or wrong information.•The adversary can and does utilize deception temptation, accusation and illness to oppress us which tends to create fear, anxiety and depression in us. These detriments are all part of the fall of humanity. (Sin nature, disease and death) •Trials and hardship sometimes leads to a questioning of faith or theodicy, which blames God for bad things happening in life.•Some Christians have been unchallenged in their faith which lends itself well to being uncomfortable with hearing about other people's faith challenges. Relationships have the power to hurt or heal! As God has communicated to us the Church is the emergency and recovery rooms for those who are suffering.Let's all strive to respond to crisis as Jesus Christ would: with compassion, first and foremost.Support the show

A successful transformational process for all Christians requires our full cooperation with God. This is what “being entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character” is all about. The first principle of cooperation is being rigorously honest about where we are, so that Christ can take us where we need to go. In addition to that, a willingness to go to any length to change will lead us into a closer relationship with Christ. Willingness cooperates with Christ, so that He can transform us from the inside out. Lastly, those who have experienced trauma, addictions or codependency need to practice contrary action. It entails doing the opposite of what our sin nature desires until Christ transforms our hearts. Regardless of what we have experienced in our past, our future will be dramatically changed for the better if we can cooperate with God. The only requirement for progress is employing these three principles of rigorous honesty, willingness and contrary action to the best of our ability and Christ will do the rest.Step 6 – Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.Rigorous honesty is essential in becoming entirely ready.·         Codependency, addictions and trauma usually involve a denial of truth because of the tragic and painful circumstances associated with them.·         In addition to that, many of us have been raised in shame-based families which deeply reinforces a denial of truth and distorts our perception.   ·         The denial and distortion of truth gives the adversary room to gain mental, emotional and spiritual strongholds in our lives.·         These strongholds magnify and exacerbate our sinful character traits which results in relational discord.·         It takes courage to be truthful about our sinful nature and admit our wrongs, but if we can, it sets the stage for true repentance to take place. ·         True repentance kicks out the lies of the enemy and provides Christ the room to remove these sinful defects of character.  ·         We no longer need to cling to the lies of the enemy which propels us in the wrong direction.·         In this step we embrace the truth and reject these things that have held us back from loving God and one another.·         God makes us aware that changes need to happen, but in order to change us He requires our utmost honesty and cooperation.·         This step is a lifelong effort to place ourselves near the Savior so that He will change us into His likeness.·         He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (Philippians 1:6), and it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose (Philippians 2:13).Support the show

Regarding step four, there are some similarities that apply to addictions, codependency and trauma that will help bridge the gap of understanding. All human beings experience some degree of impairment from pride, fear, shame and resentment. These toxic emotions should be targeted in a 4th step due to their harmful effects on relationships. These insidious emotions block the Holy Spirit from operating fully in our lives. Discussing this blockage of the Holy Spirit is an excellent topic to start the group discussion. We all have a sin nature that needs to be addressed. Step 4 – Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselvesBackgroundAs you complete the 4th step inventory, we will focus on how fear, shame and pride cause resentment to fester which creates division in our relationships. Closely examine these circumstances below and see how they apply to your life, then determine which negative emotion was driving your decisions and actions?  Every time we failed to set limits.·         We became slaves to our fear and guilt which impedes our ability to set limits.·         For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. (Galatians, 5:13, ESV)Every time we held onto unhealthy relationships.·         Rescuing and/or caretaking causes us to hold onto unhealthy relationships due to our need to be needed.·         Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? (2 Corinthians, 6:14, ESV) Every time we said nothing in disagreement, so we did not upset other people.·         Many of us have a fear of not being liked or abandoned which creates people pleasing behaviors.·         Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, (Ephesians, 4:15, ESV)Every time we allowed resentments to fester in our hearts, rather than speaking the truth.·         Resentments are sometimes a result of not communicating assertively, instead we wait until we explode in anger or act out passive aggressively. ·         And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. (Matthew, 6:12-13, ESV)   Support the show

All of us struggle with this step for two distinct reasons. The first is grappling with the question of why would God allow these terrible things to happen in my life? The difficulty arises from not accepting the fact that Christ is more concerned with the eternal than the temporal issues. He does not promise us a trouble-free life; He does however, promise us supernatural comfort in difficult times. Step 3 – Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we                understood him.  ·         Many among us have felt unworthy of God’s help and healing, and consequently denied Him the opportunity. We must allow Him to help us in order to fully recover.·         Many of us, due to the impacts of addiction, trauma and broken relationships, have a lack of trust in God and others. ·         If we live in isolation and bitterness, it leaves no room for Christ and those who genuinely love us. ·         Letting go of our control and our will can cause a great deal of apprehension, especially when we have been unable to trust our parents or authority figures while we were growing up. ·         The Third Step is a step out of “insane choices” and a step into serenity. If we can better understand God’s true nature, it’s easier to trust Him with our lives.·         Don’t act on panic or fear. Choosing to wait to decide when we’re not clear on how to proceed is an indication of faith. ·         When we can choose to wait instead of acting on impulse to control others or a situation, God will give us clear direction when we ask.   ·         When we are busy pursuing our impulses or building walls around our lives and hearts, we leave a wake of destruction behind us. There is no room for Christ or our loved ones to operate in our lives.  ·         The essence of the Third Step is turning our will over to God, so that we can get out of our own way.·         How does the following scripture change the way you understand God’s love and care?·         “He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?” (Romans 8:23, NIV)·         Recovery is a spiritual process that opens the door of faith and trust that leads to hope.·         Things would be different for all of us if we expected God to respond to our problems with God-sized power.Support the show

Discussing step two in a group of Christians with varied traits and problems requires a basic understanding of the commonalities frequently encountered in those afflicted with addictions, codependency and trauma. All people have the potential to experience a preoccupation with self and their problems. When a preoccupation occurs, the decision-making process can be hindered by elevated levels of fear, shame, anger and resentment. The decisions frequently made by people who are under stress could be characterized as insane at times. What leads us to making insane choices?Isolation·         A prideful person will fail to ask for help because they will not be able to admit they need help. If someone comes along to help, a prideful person will quickly push the other person away by making them feel unwanted. Pride isolates us from fellowship.·         "For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself" (Galatians 6:3, ESV)·         On the opposite end of the spectrum is when we experience spiritual, emotional or psychological bankruptcy. This may result in a false humility or self-hatred. These two conditions prevent us from pursuing fellowship or asking for help because we do not feel worthy.Disillusionment·         If you put confidence in yourself, you will eventually be let down. There will come a time when your body, mind, and money will fail you.·         Remember that pride is too much belief in you. If you put too much belief in anything or anyone other than Christ, it will only lead to disappointment and ultimately disillusionment.·          Insane choices or actions happen when we are disillusioned or skewed in our thinking. If we step back into unhealthy or dangerous relationships with family or friends because we are looking towards these individuals for validation of our self-worth, we are disillusioned. The fact is our self-worth comes from who we are in Christ.  This step encourages us to identify our behaviors and actions that are insane because of unmet needs or unresolved issues.  ·         Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; (Proverbs 3:5, NIV)Lack of Growth·         Pride prevents growth and gives us a sense of feeling that we have arrived. We close ourselves off from learning and from opening ourselves to new ways of thinking.·         A tendency to rest on prior achievements replaces a thirst and eagerness to grow into the likeness of Christ.·         We must not forsake the 12-step program of unselfish and constructive action for comfort and familiarity.Support the show

Regarding step one, there is a commonality between Addiction, Codependency and Trauma, and it resides in our inability to control people, places and things which to some degree cause powerlessness and unmanageability in all of us. ·         One aspect of the insanity with addiction/codependency and trauma is the need for control.  ·         We attempt to control our feelings with substances, relationships and activities.·         We try to control other people or organizations by threatening or manipulating.  ·         How have you seen this urge to control show up in your life?Part of recovering from addictions/codependency and trauma is becoming a servant for God instead of assuming the position of God.·         What do you do when it looks like the situation is out of control?·         Do you do anything to keep a disaster from happening?·         Do you feel like you are the only one who can keep everything from falling apart?·         What triggers you into becoming a controlling person?·         Have you seen times when a total disaster turned out to be a good thing?·         How has God helped you to trust Him? How can you tell when you’re taking charge of a situation in a healthy way, a way that trusts that God is in charge?Join us in this examination of the start of our journey  from addiction to recovery, from chaos to peace, from death to life. Support the show