Plan P

In this episode, we explore the often-repeated advice for parents of adolescents: “Pay attention.” While this can feel intimidating or overwhelming, we discuss how to approach this idea with a sense of softness that can greatly benefit the parent-child relationship during these transformative years. Discover how a gentle approach to paying attention allows you to notice your adolescent's changes without overwhelming them. Learn the difference between using a magnifying glass or a microscope when observing your child. Curiosity fosters connection, while scrutiny can lead to discomfort. Explore how to engage in conversations with your child without immediate reactions. This awareness can lead to deeper understanding and trust.Reflect on your own journey as a parent. Are you paying attention to your own needs and desires, or are you caught up in comparing yourself to others?Understand how to open your hands, allowing your child to feel safe enough to explore their independence while knowing they can always return to you. Join us for a thoughtful discussion on how to bring softness to the art of paying attention, fostering a healthier, more trusting relationship with your adolescent. Listen and learn!

Power Full: Understanding Enabling In this episode we talk about empowering our children… and how easy it can be to slip into enabling them. No parent wants to enable their child, we just want to support them.  Understanding what enabling is, and what support is can make a huge difference in the lives of parents of adolescents, AKA emerging adults.  No matter the age of your child-preteen, teen or young adult, this episode will offer you new awareness and new skills to practice which will help you build the foundation of support that you want to be, and that your children want you to be!   Nzinga Harrison Un-Addiction Daniel Siegel Brainstorm

Parents, particularly parents of preteens, teens and young adults, can find themselves searching for answers to explain their child’s behavior. This often leads to dwelling on perceived parental mistakes made in the past, or mistakes made by others-doctors, teachers, other parents and anyone else who might have had impact on the child. Human beings make mistakes. In this episode we discuss both the importance of acknowledging mistakes and also how to learn from those mistakes. By understanding what might now, in hindsight, be considered a mistake, parents can strengthen themselves and their relationships with their kids.  It is also important that parents understand the possibility that not everything that happens is a mistake, some actions are just simply human beings being human. When parents acknowledge that truth, they are modeling honesty and responsibility, rather than shame and blame.    Parents who learn to practice this growth mindset can have open honest conversations and build a foundation of trust with their adolescent children.

In this episode, we’re focusing on the dynamics of cooperative parenting and how to effectively partner with the various adults in your child's life. Everyone involved in a child's life—parents, grandparents, teachers—has the child’s best interests at heart. However, differing opinions and approaches can create challenges. We explore how to navigate these differing perspectives while maintaining a united front. Parenting less about micromanaging and more about building effective partnerships. We discuss how to foster positive relationships with other adults in your child's life and how these relationships impact your child’s development. As children transition into adulthood, their role in the family dynamic shifts. We talk about how parents and other guardians can collaborate with these almost-adults in a way that respects their emerging autonomy while still providing support. We want to model negotiation, not triangulation! Adolescents crave independence but also need to know there’s a safety net. We discuss how to balance giving them freedom with providing a supportive network that ensures they have help if needed.   Resources: https://cmcffc.org/

In this episode, we dive into the complexities of human communication with emerging adults. Navigating your child’s hard feelings can be challenging. We often fall into the trap of trying to solve the problem rather than truly understanding what they need. In this episode we discuss understanding how the instinct to offer solutions might actually stem from a desire to make ourselves feel better. This helps parents understand why this approach doesn’t always work and how it can sometimes make things worse. We discuss methods that can gently guide your child in identifying their own pain points and learning to communicate them effectively. Adolescents crave autonomy and can feel overwhelmed by overly controlling or dominating help. We provide tips on how to support your child without taking over. Creating a culture of openness is crucial. You’ll leave with strategies for inviting your child into the conversation, making them feel heard, and helping them find their own solutions in a way that feels right to them. Resources Mentioned: How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish Join the Conversation: We’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences on this topic! Share your insights or questions with us on social media or through our website. Subscribe and Stay Tuned: Don’t miss out on future episodes! Subscribe to “Plan P is For” for more discussions on parenting, communication, and personal growth.

In this episode, Play Scripts Parents Write we delve into the nature of the stories we create about ourselves, our children, and our families. Join us as we explore how these personal narratives shape our understanding and interactions with our adolescent children. By sharing your own experiences-not the scripts you've created about your child's future- you create space for genuine communication which can lead to new and meaningful connections. The stories we tell ourselves help us make sense of the world but are not necessarily factual. As parents we tend to interpret our children’s behavior through our own narratives, which are often influenced by anxiety and fear. When parents impose their own stories they can limit a child’s ability to express themselves and evolve. Listen to learn and understand the importance of being genuinely curious and open to understanding your children’s perspectives without preconceived judgments. Sit back, listen to this episode with an open mind. Reflect on the stories that shape your understanding of the world and your relationships. How can you make space for others to share their stories and perspectives? Recognizing and questioning your own narratives can be the first step toward deeper, more empathetic connections. Resources: Negotiate Anything Bruce Lee quote “Fear comes from uncertainty. When we are absolutely certain, whether of our worth or worthlessness, we are almost impervious to fear.” Connect with Us: We’re pretty much not on social media much, but it you want to see what we’re up to there, we appreciate and like to be liked, and can be found @PlanPisfor on IG and TikTokVisit our website at www.planp.us for more episodes and resources

Bonus episode A peek behind the scenes in the real life of Sarah and Quinn In this episode we invite you into a conversation we are having about our communication and laundry. It is just an example of how and why communication between humans is hard.  We’ve been married 18 years and have known each other since we were teenagers, and we STILL get caught in the muck!!  So, want to be a fly on the wall?  Listen! As always, we’d love to hear your thoughts, responses and questions.  connect@planp.us   DrJessicaBelo.com #parentingteens #parentingatween #parentingayoungadult #troubledteen #kindandfirmparenting #podcast #newepisode #parenting #boundaries #findingjoyinthejourney

The Power of Positive Speaking In this episode we chat about The Power of Positive Speaking. We discuss using words that focus on what we want to achieve or encourage, rather than what we want to avoid or eliminate. This subtle shift can make a big difference in how the message is received. By practicing positivity, we can foster an environment of trust and encouragement rather than criticism. With adolescents using positive language can promote mutual respect and understanding. It’s about building a relationship based on implied trust rather than suspicion. Positive speaking helps us, the parents, model focusing on the spirit of the law, not the letter of the law which prioritizes the intent behind communication rather than rigidly adhering to a specific set of rules. This approach allows for more flexibility and a deeper connection with others. Integrating positive speaking into daily interactions can be transformative. It fosters a more constructive and supportive environment, which, over time, becomes a natural part of our communication style. Have a practicing positive week! XO Sarah and Quinn   Listen for the weekly practice. Expect this-any new way of speaking or thinking will take time. Practice is a positive use of time. If you have a question or topic that you’d like us to speak to, just send an email to connect@planp.us   Resources Positive Discipline for Teens I Feel Statement   #parentingteens #parentingatween #parentingayoungadult #troubledteen #kindandfirmparenting #podcast #newepisode #parenting #boundaries #findingjoyinthejourney

Episode 47:  Reliability and Regulation in Parenting In this episode of Plan P: Parents Helping Parents Pivot Perspectives  we deep dive into the concepts of reliability and regulation, focusing on how they impact our relationships, especially with adolescents. We'll break down these terms, explore their significance, and discuss how they shape effective parenting and personal growth. Reliability in parenting means being dependable and consistent. During adolescence, this reliability becomes crucial as teenagers are navigating significant changes and seeking stability. Before we can effectively regulate others, especially our children, we need to understand and master self-reliance and self-regulation. This foundational understanding helps us approach parenting with greater empathy and effectiveness. Sending Understanding and Hope your way!    XO Sarah and Quinn Listen for the weekly practice. If you have a question or topic that you’d like us to speak to, just send an email to connect@planp.us Links & Resources: “The truth of these years reminds us of the importance of changing ourselves as our children change.” from Between Parent and Teen by Haim G. Gingott first published in 1969Get Out of My Life but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?  by Anthony E. WolfThe Beauty of a Darker Soul by Joshua MantzThe Chaos Imperative by Ori Brafman and Judah Pollackm(no relation:)Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen of the Harvard Negotiation Project #parentingteens #parentingatween #parentingayoungadult #troubledteen #kindandfirmparenting #podcast #newepisode #parenting #boundaries #findingjoyinthejourney

Personalize Your Plan Parenting adolescents can be challenging emotionally as we navigate their development.  Humans, and human parents, can take things personally, especially when it comes to our children's behaviors and reactions. When parenting through the preteen, teen and young adult years a crucial question is HOW do we want to personalize, HOW do we want to attach? Connecting to- not cutting off from- your beloved child who is literally physiologically designed to be pushing off into their new adult existence and away from you requires some new skills. In this episode we talk about finding the nuanced balance between being involved and giving space for growth. Ghandi said “Detachment is not indifference; it is a prerequisite for effective involvement.” Listen as we discuss how to fulfill that prerequisite-how to build up rather than tear down your relationship with your adolescent child. Practice: Personalize your parenting plan by bringing awareness to what your mind is full of. Are you aware when you are taking something personally?  If you are taking it that way, do you want to take it personally or step back to consider other possibilities that exist?   Resources I feel statement Fundamentals of Adlerian Psychology by Rudolph Dreikurs Troubled by Kenneth R. Rosen Life is in the Transitions by Bruce Feiler Have you listened to the Plan P is for Parents Playlist on Spotify? Just added to the playlist “Just the Two of Us” “and you can cry, ain’t no shame in it” Are you ready to work with a coach to find the Plan that feels right for you? Start on your personalized path here.

Yes You CAN There are many actionable steps which parents CAN take to mitigate the negative effects of social media. Introducing three healthy C’s: Compassion, Communication, Collaboration which when used consistently can have positive effects. We’re back, and so is the Surgeon General who is considering placing warnings on social media due to addiction concerns. Social media has a pervasive impact on parents and in this episode we discuss what parents can’t and also can do given the addictive nature of social media algorithms and its implications. How do we wean our children?  Sounds like a throwback question?  Welcome to the 2020s, parenting the teen years and the adolescent brain, and tech. Listen and learn tips for genuine connection beyond virtual platforms. Strategies for gradually reducing screen time and social media use.   PRACTICE Engage and encourage self compassion. Don’t forget to share this with other parents and we’ll “connect” again in two weeks, or whenever you schedule your complimentary session.   The 3 C’s of Engagement, in order of use: Compassion Communication Collaboration   References: Stolen Focus by Johann Hari Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt NYT article  Surgeon General Calls for Warning Labels on Social Media Platforms Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker Set boundaries.  Find peace. by Nedra Glover Tawaab

What You Permit You Promote In this episode we discuss the permission slips we give when we allow behaviors.  Parents get accustomed to doing something for their child when the child could actually do it themselves as they age. We parents, all parents we would dare to say, sometimes allow our children to wear us down until we give them what they want. We say to ourselves and others “It’s just not a battle I’m going to fight.”  When we engage in this manner, parents are sending a signal of tolerating behaviors, actions and choices. When we give permission, we are in some ways unconsciously encouraging and promoting. What behaviors do you want to promote, and how are you promoting those? We parents want our children to know that we are reliable. Often, we make want to make sure that they know that they can rely upon us.  We also want them to be self-reliant. As they are growing up and being promoted to legal adults this can be a balancing act. One is reliable when one is consistent. Listen to hear how to promote the relationships that you want, based on your values. Practice: Reflect on your own parenting practices regarding permission and promotion of behaviors. Pay attention to when you say yes/give permission. resources Recovering my Kid Joseph Lee Set boundaries.  Find peace. a guide to reclaiming yourself Nedra Glover Tawaab Chris Curtis on Discipline and Mindset The Price of Privilege Madeline Levine Unaddicted Nzinga Harrison

Care of Self   Self-Care reminders are ev-er-y-where!! We like to take things apart and putting care in front of self is something that we talk about all the time with parents.  We have met many parents who reassure us that they have a lot of self-care practices, and they are still struggling. Putting care first can be harder than we think.  What it first offers is the opportunity to explore who that self is.  Who are YOU?  What do YOU want which is about you and you alone? You’re a parent, we know you are giving care, and we know that you are working. Who is that Self and what kind of care are you giving them? Care of self involves being aware of your WHOLE self-mental, emotional, physical and spiritual and then practicing that care consistently. Self-care is ultimately an investment in the parental person-you. It is NOT selfishSelf-care can also be work! Going to the gym?  Yeah, if only there was a magic pill for strength building. Setting boundaries? That is work and holding them takes even more strength! Doing your own work allows you to stay loving towards others. It allows parents to consider is they are enabling or empowering with their actions and choices. Modeling responsible adult behavior-going to the doctor, the dentist, the gym, your therapist, your coach all show your child what it means to be a well balanced, caring, independent adult.   Practice: What are you willing to Invest in for your self?   And, this could be viewed as self-promotion, but it’s broader. Parenting is hard. Growth is messy. If you are reading this and you are not working with a parent coach once a week or every other week, change that. Find a coach-any parent coach, you deserve that care!   Set Boundaries, Find Peace a guide to reclaiming yourself Nedra Glover Tawwab Life Is In The Transitions  Bruce Feiler Last Day Podcast Sarah is still looking for where she read about eating disorders being one of the ways that teens try to build their autonomy…but, in the meantime, if that statement piqued you, get in touch, she’ll look harder!

Producing and Practicing Can we all agree, parenting anxious adolescents can be anxiety producing!  This week we’re talking about Jonathan Haidt’s latest book, The Anxious Generation. Parents are afraid, schools are stressed, and no surprise, trickle down anxiety, there’s an entire generation awash in anxiety...and the cycle goes around again.  It makes total sense that parents are scared given everything that is going on with kids and, well, everything! Parents want what’s best for their kids. We want to keep them safe. The truth is that humans, and particularly teens, need new experiences in order to learn and grow. Social media and screens are so much a part of all of our lives.  What do we learn from them?  What are the kids learning from them? Parents can participate by doing their part-consciously connecting with other humans, and disconnecting from devices.  There are ways that parents can invite their kids to roam free- while also maintaining boundaries; let them explore, and also build connections within the home.   We humans are pack animals. We are designed to be together. Exploring how and where to create spaces where in-person communities are present is an opportunity awaiting us all!   PRACTICE: Keep an eye out for opportunities to give your kid real life interactions, places where they put their phones down and make eye contact in communities Family mealsGame nightsConsider speaking with parents or administrators about taking the bold step of making school a phone free environment, the kids will balk, but they’re adaptable!What other ideas do you have?  References Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt

What is a belief?  Beliefs are personal, not right or wrong.  To believe that there are things we will never understand can be a challenge. Our beliefs about things outside our control inform our attitudes, they can cause us pain and despair, and also joy and release.  What we humans can do is shift our attitude. Understanding that we do not hold all control requires a letting go. Believing that there is something, anything, that exists outside of us humans-a spirit, a god, an energy, the stars, flowers, whales, the ocean might not make sense, but it makes sense to let go of what we aren’t actually controlling.  Neural plasticity allows us to change our attitudes, which in turn impacts our relationships with ourselves and others. What do you want to believe? We get to make different choices. PRACTICE: Pay Attention/Bring Awareness to the small things that happen or you observe that don’t make sense. A parking spot opens upYou see someone you were thinking aboutAnything unexpected makes you smile or feel happyCoincidencesYou notice a beautiful weed/flower popping through the cementKeep it going…..   The Awakened Brain by Lisa Miller (that Sarah believes you should read, but understands others are entirely free to believe differently) Acronym: F.A.I.T.H Finding Answers In The Heart Playlist Addition Don’t Stop Believing

Plugging into the Power (of Pausing) Pausing is a great way to invite an adolescent (or, okay, anyone!) into a conversation.  Pausing when you are interacting with a preteen, teen or young adult can be hard, they move fast! How do you plug into the pause depends upon the situation and the individuals. Feeling like a Pushmi-Pullyu, pushing and pulling and going nowhere?   Have you tried pushing back- not pushing back to what your child is saying, but just pushing back from the conversation, pushing back from the table and saying “Thank you. I’m full.”, rather than “I can’t take another minute of this!” Pushing back does not have to be pushing away, it can just be the pause that the moment needs. Pushing back can give space, and the space between is where we connect.  When we’re in our children’s face it’s hard to actually connect, ditto if we’re on their back. Holding on by stepping back may not feel intuitive.  Face to face, with space, is a good place to be, and to pause to let others feel seen and heard. Plugging into the pause is where the change can happen, and things can be brought to light.   PRACTICE: practice using the 5 second rule. When in conversation, pause for 5 seconds.  Just try it. It may feel like an eternity, but try it. Savoring the moment.   Resources SAMHSA recovery statistics NPR: There is life after addiction: Most People Recover CRAFT Flyawayproductions “Tell me where it hurts.” Is not in this clip, but, honestly, this brief video will give you a beautiful, heartfelt, real pause in your day, and you deserve that. “They speak of my drinking but never of my thirst.” The Menzingers C.O.P.E. Consider Other Perspectives Exist  (craving easy to grab reminders? Acronym Aides)

Professionals often call us to consult and ask if a particular family falls under the scope of what we do here as coaches.  Generally, the answer is yes, because what we do is help parents make a plan, and often work with them as that plan is implemented. Each family’s plan is completely unique based on what they want. In this episode we just chat about what we do and how that helps parents build a plan of their own to build a strong healthy bond with their child.  As parents of adolescents, we are faced with many decisions, as are our children. How does a parent make a plan that feels solid and grounded and followable? Not by following ten simple steps!  “The best laid schemes of mice and men often go awry.” Whose life are we planning at this transitional age? It’s tricky, it’s a balance. Sometimes parents have a plan, but don’t know how to implement it, what steps to take next.  Because each plan is unique and building change takes time and patience and readjusting, touching base weekly or even daily at times, like a GPS system helps keep parents on their path. A basic plan helps parents offer assistance to their child- without jumping or falling into the water with them.  Extra bonus: also in this episode we touch a little bit on our own parenting a teen journey, and what that plan looked like. Practice: Think for a few moments about what you want to work on or do-from meditation to what to eat for lunch- and make a plan! Resources www.planp.us

Parenting is a relationship. A relationship which parents do not want to detach from!   Letting a child hit “rock bottom”, “suffer the consequences” or many of the other “tough love” practices (which have been debunked but are very much still out there and are often suggested by friends and family who feel at a loss as to how to help and who often feel the pain themselves). What we suggest in this episode isn’t radical, it just feels logical - to us. First consider, what are you attached to?  Your kids-and obviously you don’t want to detach from them. Digging a little deeper what we often discover, as we discovered for yourselves, is that what we are attached to are behaviors, outcomes, and choices, but not the child! Detaching from the behaviors of others is not necessarily an “Aha! Flip that switch!” moment but taking the time to look at our attachments makes it possible to detach from some things while still staying in relationship. What keeps you connected?  Slammed doors? Resentments?  Are you suffering?  Is your child suffering?  Detaching from our parental dreams of a particular outcome allows us to get curious about their fears, their hopes, their anxieties and their dreams. When you are in communication you can then be clear about what they can expect from you, not what you expect from them.  Detaching with love does not mean detach from love. Quite the contrary.  It actually allows a deeper more genuine love into a relationship. The Practice: Look at what you are attached to. Write those things down. Resources Alanon ITC Katy Milkman Nedra Tawwab Viktor E. Frankl

How to Care, not coddle. In this episode we discuss what is no secret- there is a generation who are struggling, and parents are concerned. It makes total sense that conscious parents and educators who were aware of the significant spike in poor mental health starting to be observed in 2012 and continuing upward wanted to protect their children from pain.   Jonathan Haidt, in his book The Coddling of the American Mind, suggests that what we inadvertently “protected” kids from was having feelings.  Protecting our kids from having hard feelings does not help them, or all of us as a community. In truth this disconnection hinders communication between individuals and further separates all of us. We posit that the non-stop exposure, via social media,  to the state of the globe, which was dosed out more slowly in previous generations, has overwhelmed the nervous system of a generation and made them feel despairing and helpless, and that makes sense!  It’s a lot! And they have no experience to remind them that change does happen, and that change takes time. The good news is this-family and other in-person human relationships can change in less time than global change takes.  Boston University reminds us that “the potential to intervene and reach students at a uniquely important time of life is huge”. This is an opportunity if we slowly remove the obstacles. Practice: Start to unwrap the bubble wrap. Take advantage of family time, make a little space for little conversations and listen to feelings without reacting. It’s never too late to make space for feelings -good and bad. References: Increase in Mental Health started in 2011 Drug Deaths started increasing in 2011 as per TFAH.org Jonathan Haidt The Coddling of America

Social Media We talk with parents A LOT about social media.  How do you navigate this social media world?  How do you navigate your relationship with your children’s relationship with social media?  It’s a lot! Social Media is…..social! We all want to belong and feel significant, at every age, and this is an even more intense yearning during adolescence.  There are so many more places to connect and belong on social media, and understanding what is real can get scary for parents.   How can you be there for your child in real life, reassuring them that they belong, no matter what. Find “your people” provides the affirmation which teens crave. And, it can get slippery when that craving leads to unhealthy communities. Our goal as parents is to help our children find and understand who they are in a world which offers so many options and places to feel part of a community. It’s vital to our relationship with our children that they understand that you appreciate and value their perspective. Their perspective is going to be different because they are a different generation. Social Media, technology-these are not going away. Just Say No…didn’t work in the 90’s and doesn’t work today. How do we get information in?   Valuing others’ points of views.  Adolescents understand risk, so you can ask questions about that. Cost/Benefit analysis is not their string suit, but their brains are developing.  Conversation builds understanding. Building understanding is more effective in relationship building. Let them reason things out with you.  For themselves.  Without jumping in. The Practice: Practice your ABC’s Appreciate the kid/s. Remind them that they Belong. It takes a great Positive Discipline The Emotional Lives of Teens Lisa Damour