Partnered with a Survivor: David Mandel and Ruth Reymundo Mandel

Ruth Reymundo Mandel & David Mandel

These podcasts are a reflection of Ruth & David’s ongoing conversations, which are both intimate and professional and touch on complex topics like how systems fail victims and children, how victims experience those systems, and how children are impacted by those failures. Their discussions delve into how society views masculinity and violence and how intersectionalities such as cultural beliefs, religious beliefs and unique vulnerabilities impact how we respond to abuse and violence. These far-ranging discussions offer an insider look into how we navigate the world as professionals, as parents and as partners. During these podcasts, David & Ruth challenge the notions that keep all of us from moving forward collectively as systems, as cultures and as families into safety, nurturance and healing. Note: Some of the topics discussed in the episodes are deeply personal and sensitive, which may be difficult for some people. We occasionally use mature language. We often use gender pronouns like “he” when discussing perpetrators and “she” for victims. While both men and women can be abusive and controlling, and domestic abuse happens in straight and same-sex relationships, the most common situation when it comes to coercive control is a male perpetrator and a female victim. Men's abuse toward women is more closely associated with physical injury, fear and control. Similarly, very different expectations of men and women as parents and the focus of Safe & Together on children in the context of domestic abuse make it impossible to make generic references to gender when it comes to parenting. The Model, through its behavioral focus on patterns of behavior, is useful in identifying and responding to abuse in all situations, including same-sex couples and women's use of violence. We think our listeners are sophisticated enough to understand these distinctions.

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Episodes

Season 5 Episode 5: A Trauma History is Not An Excuse for Acting Abusively
2d ago
Season 5 Episode 5: A Trauma History is Not An Excuse for Acting Abusively
Send us a Text Message.In this episode of Partnered with A Survivor, David & Ruth have an intimate discussion about how we can be emotionally &  behaviorally responsible even when we have been trained into fear & reactivity through violence & abuse.  David and Ruth discuss:How we need to drop binary definitions in order to prevent abusers from  using their history of trauma as an excuse for  current behaviors of coercive control & violence. The importance of unlearning reactive behaviors that we came by 'honestly' through traumaThe importance of considering context, patterns of behavior and impacts on functioning  as part of the conversations about survivors' reactivity and use of violence  The value of self-reflection on the impact of our behaviors when we are triggered back into a state of fear or defensivenessIf you like this episode you may be interested in:Season 5 Episode 2: Women’s Use Of Force In Intimate Relationships: An Interview With Lisa Young LaranceSeason 3 Episode 7: Understanding And Validating Survivors’ Acts Of ResistanceSeason 2 Episode 11: “We Need A Revolution:” Integration Of Trauma Healing And Behavior Change For People Who Choose Violence Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in realCheck out David Mandel's new book "Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to transform the way we keep children safe from domestic violence."
Season 5 Episode 4: Unveiling the Impact of Domestic Violence on Children: Beyond the Myth of the Child Witness
Apr 16 2024
Season 5 Episode 4: Unveiling the Impact of Domestic Violence on Children: Beyond the Myth of the Child Witness
Send us a Text Message.Discover the hard truths about the impact of domestic violence on children, as we, David and Ruth Reymundo Mandel, discuss the "Myth of the Child Witness" chapter from David's book "Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to transform the way we keep children safe from domestic violence."   We promise you'll come away with a deeper understanding and a sense of urgency to shift the way society responds to young survivors. Listen as we pull back the curtain on the often-invisible effects of witnessing abuse and how these experiences shape the lives of children far beyond what is visible to the eye.Are children just passive bystanders in the face of domestic violence, or are they silent bearers of trauma? What happens when we do not name the perpetrator as the cause of the children's harm or highlight their responsibilities are carers?  Our discussions traverse the landscape of this misconception, challenging the passive language that labels children merely as witnesses and advocating for a language that reflects their true experiences. We address the crucial need for systems to hold perpetrators accountable and prevent children from replicating harmful behaviors. Our conversation makes the case for recognizing the autonomy of children and the essential role of the non-abusive parent in fostering a child's emotional safety.Wrapping up our insightful conversation, we underscore the critical role adults play in understanding and supporting children affected by domestic violence. Delving into the 'Safe Together' model, we stress the importance of an ecosystem that supports both the child and the non-abusive parent. Join us as we honor the resilience of children everywhere and strive to transform the dialogue around domestic violence, one listener at a time. Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in realCheck out David Mandel's new book "Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to transform the way we keep children safe from domestic violence."
Season 5 Episode 3: An Introduction to the David Mandel's Book "Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to transform the way we keep children safe from domestic violence"
Apr 2 2024
Season 5 Episode 3: An Introduction to the David Mandel's Book "Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to transform the way we keep children safe from domestic violence"
Send us a Text Message.In this episode, Ruth and David start with a round up of their March 2024 Safe & Together trip to Australia and New Zealand with highlights from the 7th annual Safe & Together Asia Pacific conference with it's focus on work with First Nation peoples, feedback from podcast listeners, and an update on how the Model is transforming the Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia. Then Ruth and David pivot to discuss the ideas behind David's first book "Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to transform the way we keep children safe " from Legitimus Media (2024).  David talk about how the book outlines the interlocking myth structure that is the cause and effect of gender double standards around parenting.  David  shares how the book was written for both survivors and practitioners,  with or without experience with the Model. This episode will be followed up minisodes focusing on other chapters in the book...stay tuned!To order the book now: https://mybook.to/mK39V Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in realCheck out David Mandel's new book "Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to transform the way we keep children safe from domestic violence."
Season 5 Episode 2: Women’s Use of Force in Intimate Relationships: An Interview with Lisa Young Larance
Feb 18 2024
Season 5 Episode 2: Women’s Use of Force in Intimate Relationships: An Interview with Lisa Young Larance
Send us a Text Message.Both men and women can be violent and controlling. In this episode of Partnered with a Survivor, Ruth and David speak with international expert Lisa Young Larance about her research and clinical practice related to women’s use of force in intimate relationships. In the conversation, Lisa highlights the importance of context and intersectionalities in any analysis of women’s use of force in intimate relationships.In recounting her work, Lisa shares about:The importance of a behavioral and life span lens when understanding the use of force in intimate relationshipsHow practitioners need to remain curious about the specifics of situations related to use of forceHow to explore the relationship between trauma histories and the use of forceThe importance of seeing beyond the “victim/offender” binaryWhat the work with women who use force in intimate relationships can teach us about the work with men who use force against their partnersCheck out Lisa Young Larance’s workKeep an eye out for her forthcoming book:  Larance, L. Y. (Forthcoming, 2024). Broken: Women’s stories of intimate and institutional harm and repair. University of California Press.You may also be interested in these related episodes of Partnered with A SurvivorSeason 2 Episode 6: The Male VictimSeason 3 Episode 6: 7 Myths about the Safe & Together Model Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in realCheck out David Mandel's new book "Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to transform the way we keep children safe from domestic violence."
Season 5 Episode 1:  Sexual and Domestic Violence In the Military: An Interview with Never Alone Advocacy
Feb 11 2024
Season 5 Episode 1: Sexual and Domestic Violence In the Military: An Interview with Never Alone Advocacy
Send us a Text Message.Sexual and domestic violence in the military challenges recruitment, retention, team cohesion, operational readiness, security and organizational health. Yet, most militaries around the world are still struggling to effectively address these problems. Gaps in the response harm military families, and allow the destruction of the careers and health of survivors. The Safe & Together Institute, through its work with the UK Ministry of Defence, has seen the positive impact of domestic violence-informed practice in this area.In this episode, David & Ruth speak with Amy Braley Frank, founder of Never Alone Soldiers, and Joanna, a survivor who now advocates for others. Never Alone Soldiers advocates for the safety and wellbeing of military personnel and families affected by sexual or domestic violence. They assist victims, advise them and push for greater transparency, accountability and policy changes, leaving no one behind.Ruth & David discuss with Amy & Joanna:Current problematic military attitudes & practices in responding to perpetratorsSilencing of victim/survivors of sexual and domestic violenceNever Alone’s advocacy for victims and drive for systemic changeRetention policies enabling those with histories of criminality and violenceAdverse career impacts for service members reporting abuseLinks between unaddressed military violence issues and domestic violence perpetration in law enforcementJoanna shares her experiences seeking safety from domestic abuse, and how policies, communication approaches and attitudes endangered her and others. She discusses how Never Alone successfully pushed for her perpetrator's removal.Amy defines policy and cultural changes needed to support survivors over retaining perpetrators.Learn more about Never Alone You also may be interested in these related episodes Episode 25: When police officers commit domestic violenceEpisode 26: Listening to the voices of survivors of officer-involved domestic violence: An interview with Nanette ChezumEpisode 27: “How much crime are you willing to let your police commit?” Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in realCheck out David Mandel's new book "Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to transform the way we keep children safe from domestic violence."
Season 4 Episode 12:  Research That Puts Survivors at the Center
Dec 9 2023
Season 4 Episode 12: Research That Puts Survivors at the Center
Send us a Text Message.Historically research hasn’t always involved or benefited the population being studied. Dr. Elizabeth Dalgarno, the Director, and Founder of the SHERA Research Group is staunch advocate of research that is undertaken by and with the people it concerns rather than “on” them. In this far-ranging interview, Ruth, David, and Dr Dalgarno discuss:   SHERA’s research into health effects on survivors of their family court involvement in Brazil and England (Spoiler Alert: The negative health effects of family court involvement for domestic abuse survivors is significant!) What practitioners can do differently within the current context of family law environment to improve outcomes for child and adult survivorsHow to use research to help improve the social care and family court response to domestic abuseThe need for greater accountability and transparency as it relates to systems that impact survivors The need for appropriate credentialing, training, and experience for evaluators in the family court contextThe need for adequate data on the impacts of family law policies & practices on victim survivors.The global need for domestic violence-informed training for lawyers, children’s representatives, and judges around family violence, custody, and access The SHERA Research Group, a collective of multidisciplinary professionals with over 100 years cumulative experience of working in health inequalities, law, finance, social care and domestic abuse research and support organizations. Dr Elizabeth Dalgarno, the Director and Founder of SHERA Research Group and a Lecturer at University of Manchester England.Dr. Dalgarno has worked in public and private health and social care for over 20 years and specialises in challenging inequalities and systemic challenges in health and social care. Her work with women who have been through family court focusses on their health-related experiences and the harmful pseudoscience of so-called 'parental alienation' and has been featured in a documentary 'Mums on the Run' on the BBC iplayer, at the UN Human Rights Council and in multiple media outlets.Related Podcasts Season 4 Episode 10: Ensuring The Voice Of The Child Is Heard, And Child’s Best Interests Are Considered In Domestic Abuse Cases Season 3 Episode 2: Perpetrators’ Weaponization Of Mental Health And Addiction Against SurvivorsSeason 2 Episode 19: Using The Concepts Of Collaborative Co-Parenting To Hold Perpetrators More Accountable In Family Court Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in realCheck out David Mandel's new book "Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to transform the way we keep children safe from domestic violence."
Season 4 Episode 11:  Human Resources Policy & Domestic Violence: Creating A Domestic Violence-Informed Organization
Dec 5 2023
Season 4 Episode 11: Human Resources Policy & Domestic Violence: Creating A Domestic Violence-Informed Organization
Send us a Text Message.Domestic violence represent 27% of workplace violent events 1 in 5 victims take time off from work due to abuse 20% of victims of domestic abuse had taken off month or more in prior year 56% arrived late at least 5x/month53% missed at least 3 days of work/month 65% of companies do not have domestic violence  policy (SHRM)These statistics only represent a fraction of the picture of how domestic violence perpetrators impact their partner's employment, but also how they impact employers and the overall workplace environment. In addition to the impact on the survivor's employment (poor performance, lateness, absenteeism, lost of  income, lost of career advancement), employers face worker attrition, performance related loses and even liability.   In this podcast, David and Ruth discuss a range of issues associated with domestic violence perpetrator behavior and the workplace. Their discussion covers:The importance of consistent domestic violence-informed culture (inside and out) especially if your organization's work touches on familiesDifferent ways perpetrators harm a partner's employment including abuse at work, interfering with their ability to work and hindering career advancementDifferent strategies organization can engage in to make their human resource policy more informed including using the Safe & Together Institute Ally Guide as resource Check out these related episodes Season 4 Episode 4: Being abused by a partner while advocating for othersSeason 4 Episode 2: Coming “Out” As A Survivor in a Professional Setting: A Practitioner’s JourneySeason 3 Episode 3: Minisode On Worker Safety & Well-Being: When Workers Have Their Own Histories Of Abuse Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in realCheck out David Mandel's new book "Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to transform the way we keep children safe from domestic violence."
Season 4 Episode 10: Ensuring the Voice of the Child is Heard, and Child’s Best Interests are Considered in Domestic Abuse Cases: How the Safe & Together Model Helps Promote the Rights of Children
Nov 18 2023
Season 4 Episode 10: Ensuring the Voice of the Child is Heard, and Child’s Best Interests are Considered in Domestic Abuse Cases: How the Safe & Together Model Helps Promote the Rights of Children
Send us a Text Message.Are children domestic violence victims in their own right? Are they co-victims with the adult survivor? What is the relationship between the child and the adult survivors’ experiencesHow do we hold domestic violence perpetrators accountable in their role as parents? How do we consider the child’s relationship to the perpetrator in decisions related to them? How do we make sure both adult and child survivors receive the support they need and deserve? How do we consider the best interests of child survivors as we craft our policy and practice response to domestic violence? How do we ensure that child survivors’ voices are heard in matters that are relevant to them? These are some of the critical questions being asked around the globe as governments, through their courts, legislatures and agencies, work to ensure the safety and well-being of children impacted by domestic violence perpetrators’ behaviors. They are not just academic questions as they are central to decisions made every day by governmental bodies like child protection and family court.  For governments and non-governmental organizations (NGOs), a primary touchstone for these questions is the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child (UNCRC), the most widely accepted human rights document in history.  From its inception the Safe & Together Model has employed a robust child-centered framework to keep the focus on children’s experience, needs and wishes in the context of domestic violence cases. Compared to other domestic violence assessment and practice frameworks which often treat children as an afterthought to the safety and well-being of the adult survivor, the Safe & Together Model has always focused on addressing the children’s distinct lived experiences. It differs dramatically from other approaches which assume that you don’t need to focus separately on the experience of the child but only need to keep the children safe by keeping the adult survivor safe — in essence making invisible the unique and individual experience of the child. In this episode, David and Ruth discuss how the Safe & Together Model supports the rights of children through the lens of its alignment with the UNCRC. With a special focus on the "voice of the child" (Article 12) and children's best interest decision-making (Article 3),  David Ruth talk aboutHow domestic violence perpetrators' actions attack children's human rightsHow a literal interpretation of the "voice of the child" is not enough especially when it comes to the most vulnerable childrenHow many of perpetrator's behaviors of coercive control happen outside a child's view but still impacts themHow the Model helps listen deeply and understand children's experience  and assists in best interest decision making in domestic violence cases involving childrenDownload the paper: Ensuring the Voice of the Child is Heard, and Child’s Best Interests are Considered in Domestic Abus Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in realCheck out David Mandel's new book "Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to transform the way we keep children safe from domestic violence."
Season 4 Episode 9: The Last Drop Film: A revolutionary new tool for professionals working with young people around Coercive Control
Nov 1 2023
Season 4 Episode 9: The Last Drop Film: A revolutionary new tool for professionals working with young people around Coercive Control
Send us a Text Message.The problem of  dating violence and coercive control among young people has been sorely overlooked, and educational resources are hard to find...until now! In order make coercive control visible to youth &  to fill a gap in professional  education materials & intervention strategies for young people, we have partnered with the revolutionary new abuse prevention film, The Last Drop . In this Podcast interview, Ruth & David interview Adam Joel, the Writer & Director of the Last Drop Film.  In this interview we speak about how this film came to be, how a diverse group of Lived Experience Experts informed the film  & what he hopes the films impact will be.Why the way we tell the story of abuse is vital to preventing & intervening with abuse. How messaging & advocacy about domestic violence needs to include a focus on coercive control, not just physical violence How youth populations have unique patterns of coercive control, often invisible to adults, like digital coercion related to the social media world that is so important young people Safe & Together Institute's role in as Executive Producer on the film including producing  a Professional Ally Guide as a companion to The Last Drop to assist professionals working with youth populations with strategies & tools when working with youth experiencing or perpetrating coercive control. Watch the TrailerPurchase the film for one year unlimited use https://www.instagram.com/lastdropfilm/ Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in realCheck out David Mandel's new book "Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to transform the way we keep children safe from domestic violence."
Season 4 Episode 8: “Heart Healing”: An interview with Mibbinbah’s Lisa and Jack Bulman
Oct 18 2023
Season 4 Episode 8: “Heart Healing”: An interview with Mibbinbah’s Lisa and Jack Bulman
Send us a Text Message.In this episode, Ruth & David speak with Lisa & Jack Bulman of Mibbinbah Spirit Healing about their work in community to facilitate healing from intergenerational trauma, support healthy relationship connections and strengthen the wellbeing of Aboriginal & Torres Strait Islander men and families. Mibbinbah uses a “whole of communities” approach which brings men & women together to heal in community. (From the Mibbinbah website: “The two words Mibbin meaning Men or Eagle and Bah meaning place come from the Eastern Yugambeh Language of South Eastern Queensland. Therefore placing the two words together gives us Eagle or Men’s place.”)Jack & Lisa talk about the heart healing work they do within Aboriginal & Torres Strait Islander communities to strengthen & support their families after generations of colonization which created family separation, violence & abuse. In the interview the discussion touches on: ·      Jack speaks about the origins of Mibbinbah Health in his need in University for a Safe Space for Aboriginal & Torres Strait Islander men to connect, support & heal together. ·      Jack describes the negative police response to Aboriginal men coming together to heal in nature & how that helped him further develop his work with community·      How Lisa and Jack see addressing violence as separate from men's business & women's business ·      How Partnering is critical when it comes to work with community ·      The importance of deep listening to healing and how this differs from prescriptive approaches to addressing trauma and violence.·      How healing and combating family violence is important to the work of decolonization·      The importance of self-responsibility for adopting behaviors which heal harm to self & community. ·      The pitfalls and limitations of how men’s behavior change is currently understood as Individual and reductionist rather than as familial & communal.  The interview also includes Jack and Lisa speaking about concrete behaviors professionals can adopt to culturally safely & appropriately support Aboriginal & Torres Strait Islander people in healing from family violence & the intergenerational impacts of ongoing colonization. To learn more about Mibbinbah  To listen to Jack and Lisa Bulman on the Mibbinbah podcastYou may also want to listen to….Season 2 Episode 17: Intervening With Domestic Violence Perpetrators: “We Can’t Leave Anything On The Table”Season 2 Episode 16: “We Have To Remember Who We Are Advocating For”: Interview With Aboriginal DV Leader Ashlee Donohue Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in realCheck out David Mandel's new book "Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to transform the way we keep children safe from domestic violence."
Season 4 Episode 7: Survivors Are Better Parents Than Most People Think (even survivors themselves)
Jul 6 2023
Season 4 Episode 7: Survivors Are Better Parents Than Most People Think (even survivors themselves)
Send us a Text Message.In this episode, David & Ruth talk about why the Safe & Together Institute focuses on survivor protective capacities and some of the research behind this approach.  While assessments of harm and risk, and trauma frameworks are important, these approaches highlight danger and pathologies. But these approaches, while necessary, are not sufficient enough for true collaboration and partnering with survivors. In a world where there are gender double standards related to parenting, e.g. higher standards for women as parents than for men, it is essential that we don’t just focus on harms but also on survivors’ protective efforts and acts of resistance and parenting skills even in environments where the perpetrator is controlling so much.  Assessment, and documentation of survivors’ protective capacities can make the difference between whether those children stay safely with that survivor, removed by child protection or placed with an abusive parent. David and Ruth  discuss some of the research behind this strength-based approach to survivors as parents like: The growing body of evidence to suggest many domestic violence survivors are good parents who actively take steps to promote their child’s safety and well-being.Multiple studies find that mothers who are domestic violence survivors are functioning similarly or even better as parents than their counterparts who are not being abused.Greater stress and negative effects of violence on the adult survivor does not always equal compromised parenting.A majority of domestic violence survivors, even those experiencing severe violence, do not experience depression or anxiety.Most domestic violence survivors do not use drugs nor abuse alcohol to the point of drunkenness.\Despite barriers created by the perpetrator, many domestic violence survivors engage in a range of actions to promote the well-being and safety of their children including medical care, employment, and housing.Maternal warmth or “mothering resilience” may play a critical protective role for children exposed to perpetrator behavior.David & Ruth will also talk about how assessing, validating and documenting survivors’ strengths can play an important role in Partnering with Survivors.  When professionals assess, validate and document survivors’ protective capacities:The validation can  combat the perpetrator's mental and psychological control– “you are not a bad mom but a good mom operating in a difficult situation”It can help systems and practitioners partner with survivors, e.g. identify strengths, validating them and making plans based on their strengths not just their risksIt inoculates survivors from bad decisions based on failure to protect and parental alienation–the two major myths that shape how systems interact with mothers who are domestic violence survivors.  Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in realCheck out David Mandel's new book "Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to transform the way we keep children safe from domestic violence."
Season 4 Episode 6: “The Professional Part of Me is Not Separated from the Personal:” An interview with Nneka MacGregor
Jun 26 2023
Season 4 Episode 6: “The Professional Part of Me is Not Separated from the Personal:” An interview with Nneka MacGregor
Send us a Text Message.Survivors, who are professionals, can live in fear that if they share their experience in the workplace, they will be dismissed and disregarded. In this episode, Ruth & David speak with Nneka Mcgregor, founder & Executive Director of WomenattheentrE, about the need to transform our systems so that professionals who are survivors, can safely share their experience to strengthen the response of systems to gender-based violence. Nneka shares her journey as a survivor and a professional including how attempts by those in the domestic violence field to silence her made her even more committed to speaking out.  Nneka outlines how survivor knowledge of systems and services failures is vital to making those systems more effective and responsive. Nneka, Ruth & David discuss how survivors are treated as “other,” reflecting cultural attitudes which see survivors as broken and biased. They dive down into the negative impact on professionals and survivors when organizational cultures operate from a place of demeaning, diminishing, controlling, silencing & dictating to survivors.  Nneka shares concrete strategies from her organization, WomenatthecentrE,  about creating a professional, survivor nurturing, successful & supportive advocacy organization. Together, David, Ruth and Nneka explore how professionals and organizations can partner with survivors, and the importance of organizational performance markers for supporting survivors inside an agency. Learn more about WomenatthecentrETake our ecourse Partnering with Survivors You may also want to listen to: Season 4 Episode 4: Being Abused By A Partner While Advocating For Others: An Interview With Leah Vejzovic, The Safe & Together Institute North American Regional ManagerSeason 4 Episode 3: The Silent Effects Of Non-Fatal Strangulation: A Conversation With International & Lived Experience Expert, Nneka MacGregorSeason 4 Episode 2: Coming “Out” As A Survivor In A Professional Setting: A Practitioner’s JourneySeason 3 Episode 7: Understanding And Validating Survivors’ Acts Of ResistanceNow available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-b Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in realCheck out David Mandel's new book "Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to transform the way we keep children safe from domestic violence."
Season 4 Episode 5: An interview with Caring Dads co-creator Dr. Katreena Scott
Jun 20 2023
Season 4 Episode 5: An interview with Caring Dads co-creator Dr. Katreena Scott
Send us a Text Message.There are few intervention programs for fathers who use violence as part of their parenting. In this episode, David & Ruth take a deep dive into the work that needs to happen with violent fathers with Dr.  Katreena Scott, the  co-creator of the Caring Dads program.  In this interview, David Ruth and Katreena speak aboutThe importance of intervening with violent fathers What makes Caring Dads different than a traditional men’s behavior change programmingHow Caring Dads is different than traditional parenting programs How Caring Dads centers the safety and well-being of adult and child survivors The synergies between the Safe & Together Model and the Caring Dads programThe research on the effectiveness of men’s behavior change programsHow low expectations of men impact the work with families How important it is for fathers’ to act respectfully towards their children’s mothers Learn more about Caring DadsOther relevant episodes of Partnered With A Survivor Season 3 Episode 9: Coercive Control in Children’s and Mother’s Lives: An interview with author and academic Dr. Emma KatzSeason 3 Episode 1: “This is a collective male problem:” An interview with international journalist Grant WyethSeason 2 Episode 19: Using the concepts of collaborative co-parenting to hold perpetrators more accountable in family courtSeason 2 Episode 17: Intervening with Domestic Violence Perpetrators: “We can’t leave anything on the table” Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in realCheck out David Mandel's new book "Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to transform the way we keep children safe from domestic violence."
Season 4 Episode 4: Being abused by a partner while advocating for others: An interview with Leah Vejzovic, the Safe & Together Institute North American Regional Manager
May 23 2023
Season 4 Episode 4: Being abused by a partner while advocating for others: An interview with Leah Vejzovic, the Safe & Together Institute North American Regional Manager
Send us a Text Message.Professionals working in domestic violence and related fields are not immune from being abused by their partner.  In fact, their role as a domestic violence or related professional can create some unique vulnerabilities that perpetrators are willing and able to  exploit as part of their efforts at control. In another episode in the series about practitioners who identify as survivors,  Ruth and David interview one of their own colleagues at the Safe & Together Institute – Leah Vejzović the North American Safe & Together Regional Manager. In this intimate interview, Leah shares her journey of experiencing abuse & coercive control while working in the advocacy & the child welfare field. Leah speaks about the fear, shame & challenges professionals face when being harmed by a perpetrator & how it impacts disclosures to loved ones, family & to their own professional organizations.In this interview, Leah shares about:How her perpetrator tried to manipulate her role as social worker to make her feel guilty and responsible for staying with him and “fixing” himHow expressions of victim blaming by professional colleagues, when they were speaking about their cases, made her feel unsafe disclosing to peers How ‘expertise’ can be used by ourselves and  others to victim blame those who are being abused by a partner by landing in a place of ‘I/you should have known betterLeah shares how she overcame her shame to disclose to a friend, and  the responses which were helpful to her as she attempted to process and  respond to the abuse she was enduring.  She shares with Ruth and David about how the experience of being both professional and a survivor affirms for her the importance of  partnering with survivors and focusing on perpetrators’ patterns of coercive control.Together, David, Ruth and Leah  analyze some of the unique vulnerabilities of  domestic violence, child welfare and other professionals who are being actively abused including how perpetrators may be able to successfully target employment. They discuss how organizations can inadvertently collude with perpetrators through a lack of policies and unaddressed victim blaming culture. David, Leah & Ruth discuss how to better respond to professionals who are victims of domestic abuse as an ally & how to embed those behaviors in your organizational values and  culture to guard against being manipulated by perpetrators and  the revictimization of survivors who are also professionals. Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in realCheck out David Mandel's new book "Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to transform the way we keep children safe from domestic violence."
Season 4 Episode 3:  The silent effects of non-fatal strangulation: A conversation with international & lived experience expert, Nneka MacGregor
May 5 2023
Season 4 Episode 3: The silent effects of non-fatal strangulation: A conversation with international & lived experience expert, Nneka MacGregor
Send us a Text Message.Strangulation attempts are a common element of domestic violence perpetrators’ patterns of behaviors. Non-fatal strangulation has long been identified as a risk factor for domestic violence homicide. Less attention has been paid to the short, medium and long term effects of non-fatal strangulation on survivor functioning and well-being. In this interview with Nneka MacGregor, Ruth and David discuss her research into the injuries, impact and experiences of survivors who have experienced non-fatal strangulation. This co-written study is entitled  “A fresh breath: Examining the experience of strangulation among women abuse by an intimate partner.”In the interview they discuss:The specific impacts on non-fatal strangulation on like memory loss, traumatic brain injury and increased risk for stroke and other health risksHow these symptoms and problems, when decontextualized from perpetrators’ assaults, can contribute to victim-blamingHow perpetrators of non-strangulation need to be held more accountable as parents for the impacts of their behaviorThe siloed and often ineffective responses of professional responses to non-fatal strangulationHow professionals need to be on the lookout for the signs and symptoms of effects of non-fatal strangulation and listen to the voices of survivors about their experienceNneka MacGregor is the co-founder and Executive Director of the Women’s Centre for Social Justice, better known as WomenatthecentrE,  a unique non-profit created by and for women, trans and gender-diverse survivors of gender-based violence (GBV) to champion survivor led innovations in the domestic & family violence field. She is a Black intersectional abolitionist feminist, international speaker & trainer, she is an expert advisory panel member of the Canadian Femicide Observatory for Justice and Accountability and sits on several advisory Boards and committees, including the Federal Advisory Council on the Federal Strategy Against GBV, and co-founded the Black Femicide Canada Council. Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in realCheck out David Mandel's new book "Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to transform the way we keep children safe from domestic violence."
Season 4 Episode 2: Coming “Out” As A Survivor in a Professional Setting: A Practitioner’s Journey
Apr 27 2023
Season 4 Episode 2: Coming “Out” As A Survivor in a Professional Setting: A Practitioner’s Journey
Send us a Text Message.Listening to the voice of lived experience experts, AKA survivors of all forms of abuse and neglect, is becoming more and more a part of the domestic violence-informed professional landscape. At the same time, self-disclosure, in professional spaces, of being an abuse survivor can be a fraught for some practitioners. It can be associated with fears of judgment and marginalization. Even though those survivor experiences can positively inform direct work with families, enrich organizational culture and help guide policy, safety and support for practitioner survivors is often not the articulated norm in many organizations.In this episode, Ruth and David  interview Aliegha Manski, the 2023 winner of the Safe & Together Champion Award for Systems Change in the Asia Pacific Region. Aleigha shares with them her journey as a professional and a survivor. She talks about how the Safe & Together Model impacted her self perceptions as a survivor and assisted her in improving her ability to engage with families struggling with domestic violence. Aleigha reflects on how the process of Partnering and the Safe & Together Model Principles assisted her in self-reflection on abuse she endured as a child & the organizational & system responses to that abuse.In this interview Aleigha, David & Ruth address the “Elephant in the Room,” how societal victim blaming and internalized shame can affect professionals, even ones that are survivors themselves. Facing that reality head on with a Partnering framework not only helps to separate out those personal realities from professional practice but assists in healing and improving responses to victims of similar forms of abuse. The Partnering concept can not only improve practitioner-survivor professional practice but also provide a pathway to healing, improve worker safety, satisfaction and retention. This is an important episode for any professional who struggles with talking about their own experiences of abuse and any agency that wants to be trauma- and domestic violence-informed. The Safe & Together Model Partnering process can offer a pathway to healing for professionals who are also survivors & are working with families experiencing domestic violence. Creating space in organizations for professionals to safely disclose, not be blamed or professionally harmed by the fact someone  else chose to abuse them, is vital to having a truly domestic violence informed organization & to professional competency & worker satisfaction. Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in realCheck out David Mandel's new book "Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to transform the way we keep children safe from domestic violence."
Season 4 Episode 1: Using the Concept of Partnering with Survivors to Promote Worker Health and Well-Being
Feb 27 2023
Season 4 Episode 1: Using the Concept of Partnering with Survivors to Promote Worker Health and Well-Being
Send us a Text Message.Working with domestic violence means professionals come into contact daily with complex & challenging trauma.   Beyond the complexity involved with working toward the safety of the family, working with domestic violence survivors  often confronts professionals with their own prior experiences of abuse and trauma.  Partnering with  survivors using the  Safe & Together Model is powerful, efficient and effective. This very same process may reveal to practitioner where they were blamed for the abuse they suffered, where their own strengths or needs were not acknowledged and can even trigger their own memories of trauma. In this Podcast Ruth & David discuss how latent in the concept of Partnering is a powerful way to support professionals who have experienced violence & who also encounter challenging & traumatizing dynamics in their day to day work.  Many practitioners have reached out to express their own self revelations when learning the Safe & Together Model & how the six part process of Partnering helped in their healing.In this podcast the six steps of Partnering are looked at from a worker supportive standpoint which improves worker wellbeing, safety, satisfaction & assures that organizations are responding in a Domestic Violence Informed way to the needs of professional victim survivors in their employ.Ruth & David leave the listener with a series of questions which may assist in the process of Partnering with Professional survivors & with ourselves when we are uncovering our own trauma. Also listen to: https://safeandtogetherinstitute.com/season-3-episode-3-minisode-on-worker-safety-well-being-when-workers-have-their-own-histories-of-abuse/https://safeandtogetherinstitute.com/season-2-episode-23-minisode-on-worker-safety-well-being-when-workers-are-survivors-themselves/https://safeandtogetherinstitute.com/6-steps-to-partnering-with-survivors/https://safeandtogetherinstitute.com/season-3-episode-7-understanding-and-validating-survivors-acts-of-resistance/ Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in realCheck out David Mandel's new book "Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to transform the way we keep children safe from domestic violence."
Season 3 Episode 13: What Domestic Violence Perpetrators Steal From Survivors
Dec 20 2022
Season 3 Episode 13: What Domestic Violence Perpetrators Steal From Survivors
Send us a Text Message.When we think about domestic violence only in terms of what is added - violence and danger - instead of what is taken away (safety, self determination, quality of life), we fail at naming some of the most profound effects of domestic violence perpetrators’ behaviors on survivors. In this episode, David & Ruth talk about what survivors' often "lose" at the hands of domestic violence perpetrators.In this episode: Stories of recent successes of the Safe & Together Model from around the globe The importance of Perpetrator Pattern mapping to accurate documentation of harm including what has been taken awayDavid & Ruth also talk about how survivors describe  perpetrators stopping them from being the parent and the person they could've  been.  They offer up practical tips for practitioners about how to explore these losses including how to go beyond the question "are you afraid at home?" They also offer  validations for survivors' experiences of loss and limits. Other related episodesSeason 3 Episode 12 Weaponize & Fabricate: How Domestic Violence Perpetrators’ Behaviors Intersect With Survivors’ Mental Health And Substance Misuse IssuesSeason 3 Episode 7: Understanding And Validating Survivors’ Acts Of ResistanceSeason 2 Episode 12: How Coercive Control Harms Child Safety & Wellbeing: An Interview With Researcher Dr. Emma Katz Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in realCheck out David Mandel's new book "Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to transform the way we keep children safe from domestic violence."
Season 3 Episode 12  Weaponize & Fabricate: How Domestic Violence Perpetrators’ Behaviors Intersect with Survivors’ Mental Health and Substance Misuse Issues
Nov 20 2022
Season 3 Episode 12 Weaponize & Fabricate: How Domestic Violence Perpetrators’ Behaviors Intersect with Survivors’ Mental Health and Substance Misuse Issues
Send us a Text Message.Toxic Trio. Triple Play. Trifecta.All over the globe, professionals working with families have shorthand jargon that reflects the prevalence of the complex mixture of issues that many families experience. Unfortunately these phrases do not usually enhance the ability to partner with survivors or intervene with perpetrators.  In this episode of Partner With A Survivor, David & Ruth take a deep dive into the Safe & Together Model’s intersections offers a more powerful and accurate way to discuss the relationship between mental health, substance misuse and domestic violence. Point by point they explore how perpetrators' behaviors intersect with adult and child survivors’ mental health and substance misuse. They examine how perpetrators CauseExacerbateInterfere WithFabricate Weaponize these issues. They highlight the importance of contexualizing the survivors’ issues back to the perpetrators’ pattern and  envisioning how perpetrators’ might be part of the solution instead of part of the problem. Other Related EpisodesSeason 3 Episode 2: Perpetrators’ Weaponization Of Mental Health And Addiction Against SurvivorsSeason 2 Episode 10: Trauma-Informed Is Not The Same As Domestic Violence-Informed: A Conversation About The Intersection Of Domestic Violence Perpetration, Mental Health & AddictionSeason 2, Episode 5: How Professionals Can Avoid Being Manipulated By PerpetratorsEpisode 30: 4 Ways The Concept Of Trauma Bonding Works Against SurvivorsEpisode 18: Survivors Aren’t Broken! An Intimate Discussion About Support And Partnership In Relationships Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in realCheck out David Mandel's new book "Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to transform the way we keep children safe from domestic violence."
Season 3 Episode 11: Pivoting to The Perpetrator: An essential tool for interrupting victim blaming
Nov 11 2022
Season 3 Episode 11: Pivoting to The Perpetrator: An essential tool for interrupting victim blaming
Send us a Text Message.Conversations about domestic violence often start from a victim blaming perspective: “Why doesn’t she leave?” or “Why does she keep choosing him over children?”  or “I can’t trust her to understand the impact on children. She has a trauma history.”  These victim blaming statements interfere with partnering with survivors  and holding perpetrators accountable as parents. They also prevent accurate assessments and increase worker frustration with survivors. In this episode of Partnered With a Survivor, Ruth & David discuss the Safe & Together Model practice of 'Pivoting to the Perpetrator'  which offers specific steps to interrupt victim blaming, and to shift the focus on to where it belongs– the perpetrator’s behaviors. The practice helps professionals better assess whether interventions with perpetrators are helping or hindering survivor safetyBetter recontextualize how survivor “denial” or “non-compliance” is shaped by the perpetrator’s behaviors and the failures of systems’ interventionsBe successful with their most challenging cases through better collaborations with survivors and more effective interventions with perpetrators In this episode, Ruth and David lay out what Pivoting is, why it is important & how to do the three part practice in your work. They discuss the application of  Pivoting and how it is an essential skill for domestic violence-informed practice. Other Related Episodes Season 3 Episode 7: Understanding And Validating Survivors’ Acts Of ResistanceSeason 2 Episode 22: Minisode On Worker Safety & Well-Being: The Connection Between Worker Safety And Victim-BlamingSeason 2, Episode 1: 6 Steps To Partnering With SurvivorsEpisode 2: Victim Blaming Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in realCheck out David Mandel's new book "Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to transform the way we keep children safe from domestic violence."