The Odyssey: Parenting. Caregiving. Disability.

Erin Croyle

The Odyssey podcast explores the unique journey we're sent on when a loved one has a disability. We dig deep into the joys and hardships. We celebrate how amazing the odyssey of parenting, caregiving, and disability are. But we don't shy away from the tough stuff either. Each episode will explore topics that hit a little different because of our life experience. Our guests' perspective will sometimes bring comfort and other times challenge the way we see the world. centerforfamilyinvolvementblog.org read less
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Caring for Patients with Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities: A Doctor's Perspective
3d ago
Caring for Patients with Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities: A Doctor's Perspective
In this episode, host Erin Croyle and guest Dr. Kathryn Rooth talk about just how much, or how little, medical professionals know about treating patients with disabilities.  Is there a topic you want to learn more about? Something you want to ask Dr. Rooth? Feel free to contact Erin via email.   The Odyssey: Parenting. Caregiving. Disability.  The Center for Family Involvement at VCU School of Education's Partnership for People with Disabilities provides informational and emotional support to people with disabilities and their families. All of our services are free. We just want to help. We know how hard this can be because we're in it with you.        TRANSCRIPT: 01:00:07:20 - 01:00:37:15 Erin Croyle Welcome to The Odyssey. Parenting, Caregiving, Disability. I'm Erin Croyle. The creator and host of The Odyssey podcast explores the unique journey were sent on when a loved one has a disability. I started down this path more than a decade ago when my first child was born with Down's Syndrome. My journey weaved its way here, working with the Center for Family Involvement at VCU's, Partnership for People with Disabilities.   01:00:37:17 - 01:01:10:09 Erin Croyle This podcast does a deep dive into the joys and hardships we face. We celebrate how amazing the odyssey of parenting, caregiving and disability is. While tackling the tough stuff to an unfortunate truth, many of us learn early on is how antiquated and ablest our health care systems can be when it comes to treating people with disabilities. Joining me today is Dr. Kathryn Rooth, board certified internist and pediatrician.   01:01:10:11 - 01:01:19:17 Erin Croyle She's also a strong advocate for people with disabilities and a mother of three.   01:01:19:19 - 01:01:25:06 Erin Croyle Kathryn, thank you so much for coming on. Can I call you Kathryn or should I call you Dr. Rooth?   01:01:25:08 - 01:01:29:20 Dr. Kathryn Rooth ERIN Of course you can call me Kathryn. We're friends. Thank you for having me.   01:01:29:21 - 01:01:43:04 Erin Croyle Thanks. Yes. Full disclosure, we're friends. But Kathryn is also just an authority on this, so I'm very excited to finally have you here. I want to start with your own journey. What made you want to become a doctor?   01:01:43:06 - 01:02:06:24 Dr. Kathryn Rooth It's kind of cliche, but I wanted to help people. As I got older and was in college, I took an interest in children with developmental disabilities and really wanted to advocate for them. I had this job where I worked for an organization that tried to integrate kids into the Boys and Girls Club who had developmental disabilities. That was my job.   01:02:06:24 - 01:02:23:02 Dr. Kathryn Rooth I really had no training, didn't know what I was doing as a college student, but I really recognized the need then and I took an interest then it kind of took off from there, like wanting to pursue something in the health care field and always kind of leaning towards becoming a doctor.   01:02:23:04 - 01:02:37:12 Erin Croyle I'm curious because with my own personal experience, I feel like my whole life I was so segregated from people with disabilities. What do you think drew you to helping people with it?   01:02:37:14 - 01:03:05:01 Dr. Kathryn Rooth I honestly, Erin, I don't know. I, I took psychology classes and so I kind of started learning about a lot of the developmental disabilities. And I thought it was very interesting and how underserved and vulnerable they were and really took an interest in that patient population that they kind of drove me in that direction. I wasn't sure if I was going to be a special ed teacher or something, but I wanted to do something with this population.   01:03:05:01 - 01:03:19:00 Erin Croyle And for so many of us, our understanding of med school, residency and beyond comes from television like Gray's Anatomy. Or if you're as old as I am, E.R. and Scrubs. So what is the process actually like?   01:03:19:02 - 01:03:46:04 Dr. Kathryn Rooth I mean, it's a long process. And first you have to get into medical school, which is incredibly hard. It took me on more than one occasion to apply to get in. And then once you're in, you do two years of lecture where you're in the classroom or you're doing a lot of basic sciences and chemistry pathology, and then your last two years, you're doing mostly rotations in different hospitals and clinics settings to kind of figure out what type of doctor you want to be, right?   01:03:46:04 - 01:04:07:16 Dr. Kathryn Rooth Because in medical school you're just becoming a doctor. And then once you figure out what type of doctor, then you apply to a specific residency. So I wanted to be an internist and a pediatrician, which was a combined residency. So then you apply to residency programs and depending on what type of specialty determines how long that training is.   01:04:07:16 - 01:04:30:03 Dr. Kathryn Rooth So mine was four years. So four years of medical school. Then you go through this very stressful match where you rank, where you want to go, and all the residency programs rank who they want, and then you kind of have this cluster and you hopefully get, you know, where you want it to go in your in your list, which I was fortunate to go to Baystate Medical Center and Springfield, Massachusetts.   01:04:30:03 - 01:04:52:03 Dr. Kathryn Rooth And I had a wonderful experience. So and I was there for four years. But essentially back then it was 80 hour workweeks, often 30 hour shifts every fourth day on a lot of the inpatient rotations. So it was exhausting. You know, they talk about like a firehose coming at you of information and knowledge and learning. That's what it was.   01:04:52:03 - 01:04:59:13 Dr. Kathryn Rooth It was just it was a great experience. I would do it again. I could not do it again. At this age, though.   01:04:59:15 - 01:05:04:06 Erin Croyle I mean, you're in school for so long and there's so much to learn about the human body.   01:05:04:08 - 01:05:05:05 Dr. Kathryn Rooth Yeah.   01:05:05:07 - 01:05:11:19 Erin Croyle Where does disability fall into all of that? And more specifically, intellectual and developmental disabilities.   01:05:11:21 - 01:05:30:10 Dr. Kathryn Rooth Right. So in medical school, I'm trying to think back it was a long time ago when I went to med school between 2004 and 2008. I don't recall very much at all, if any. No desk to my medical school, but I just think there was a lot of other priorities. I don't even want to say priorities, but just wasn't on the radar.   01:05:30:11 - 01:05:56:19 Dr. Kathryn Rooth I'm not sure exactly in residency because I was a pediatrician, I did get a good exposure to developmental disabilities, and I also picked electives in genetics and developmental disability rotation. So I chose to have more exposure to that because I was interested in that in my internal medicine side, not not that much.   01:05:56:21 - 01:06:24:18 Erin Croyle So I find it really interesting that you say that because, for example, growing up I was like a really healthy kid. I didn't even do annual well visits. I just did like vaccines and physicals. And as a young adult, the only medication I took was birth control. So my knowledge of anything and navigating medical systems was minimal. And then all of a sudden, as a first time mom, I have a child with Down syndrome.   01:06:24:19 - 01:07:00:01 Erin Croyle And he also had medical complexities. And I was thrown into navigating our health care systems on hyperdrive. I remember reading early on trying to find the right pediatrician for my son. It could be difficult. And I did find that because if a doctor didn't really care to understand and the differences in anatomy that come with Trisomy 21 or I think of all my friends whose children have even more rare genetic conditions, if there was no special interest there, the medical care really did lack.   01:07:00:03 - 01:07:12:07 Erin Croyle So, you know, as someone who works in this field, what would you recommend for parents who are just starting out navigating this, trying to find the right pediatrician?   01:07:12:09 - 01:07:37:19 Dr. Kathryn Rooth My heart breaks for people who can't navigate the health care system, who are not in the medical world and don't know how to navigate it, because it is a huge, daunting undertaking. You have to be comfortable with your doctor, right? I mean, when I relocated to a different city, I wasn't completely comfortable with the pediatrician. Like, I have to be comfortable with them, you know, I have to make sure they're hearing me so I change.   01:07:37:19 - 01:08:01:15 Dr. Kathryn Rooth It is okay to change doctors if you feel like they're not hearing me. My comfort level is not what it should be. Then it's okay to find a different fit. Pediatricians understand this. They're not going to connect with every single patient. They want you to find a good fed. Some pediatricians are better at certain diagnoses and others and sometimes even on their website.   01:08:01:17 - 01:08:17:13 Dr. Kathryn Rooth I'll look even now as a health care professional trying to find a specialist. What is their specific interest and is it ADHD? Is it autism? You know, is it this? And they're like, okay, this is what they are more passionate about. I'm going to try to see if I can get in with that one.   01:08:17:15 - 01:08:41:07 Erin Croyle Yeah, and I love that you brought up specialist, because I know this might sound ridiculous, but I just want to be honest about this because I'm sure I can't be the only one. I went to school. I am an educated person. I was worked internationally as a journalist, and then I was thrown into the medical system and trying to seek out specialists.   01:08:41:09 - 01:09:07:06 Erin Croyle You know, I didn't quite even understand their titles. They were so new to me. So, you know, I think pulmonology and endocrinologist and hematologist and I got endocrinology and oncology mixed up because it's just this entire new world of jargon. And as people who are not affiliated with, you know, the medical profession, a lot of times we're intimidated and we look to doctors knowing how much schooling they had.   01:09:07:08 - 01:09:29:01 Erin Croyle I've said this in the past where you look to doctors as if they're gods, and I find that you really, as a parent who has a kid with a disability, you really have to do the advocacy. You really have to speak up. You really have to know about your child's condition and you have to find specialists that will collaborate with you.   01:09:29:06 - 01:09:52:15 Erin Croyle Even now, my son is 14 and when I relocated, it took me four tries to find an EMT that would take my son's issues seriously and that I learned that the hard way early on when an audiologist said it's okay that he can't hear out of one ear, which is such an ablest thing to say because you would never say that to a non-disabled child.   01:09:52:17 - 01:10:10:11 Erin Croyle But there's still this bias that exists. What's been your experience in the field? And I know you can't throw colleagues under the bus or anything, but you know, what do you see in your practices? People's understanding of disability and potential dismissal of of issues just.   01:10:10:11 - 01:10:37:14 Dr. Kathryn Rooth Because of disability? So I'll just preface to say that we are not gods and we went to school for 8 to 12 years to learn this language. It's a whole different language, right? All of these allergies that most people don't know what a nephrologist is. And it is our job to translate the language right. We have to understand what is going on and then translate it.   01:10:37:16 - 01:11:01:12 Dr. Kathryn Rooth And I think, you know, our training often it's so heavy on learning the language that we failed somewhat and helping translate the language to the layperson, the non-medical person, a lot of the times to maybe they get defensive because they don't have the answers for you. Maybe this is out of their comfort zone and they don't know what to do.   01:11:01:18 - 01:11:20:05 Dr. Kathryn Rooth But I encourage parents to keep advocating if you know there's something wrong or you're not getting what you need to hear the answers and keep advocating. Like I always say, the parent knows the child best. If the parent comes in and says something's off, then I have to listen. I have to figure this out because they know them better than anybody else.   01:11:20:07 - 01:11:29:11 Dr. Kathryn Rooth Going to your other point of people with disabilities entering the health care system, I mean, we could have a thousand podcasts about this, Erin. You know, this.   01:11:29:13 - 01:11:32:17 Erin Croyle And we will.   01:11:32:19 - 01:11:58:17 Dr. Kathryn Rooth It's so hard. You know, this is something that I'm very passionate about because as a pediatrician, I became very comfortable with this subset of patients. But then they get older and they enter the adult world. And the adult world doesn't have a lot of experience with this subset of patients and their comfort level is very minimal. They just they don't have a lot of experience with this patient population.   01:11:58:17 - 01:12:30:01 Dr. Kathryn Rooth They don't really know what to do. The patient often can't communicate, they can't advocate, they can't tell them what is going on. They have to rely on the parents, which is not the norm in the adult world. And it's these complex congenital diseases that kids are surviving. They're surviving the same life expectancy as the general population. And it did not used to be like that.   01:12:30:03 - 01:13:00:24 Dr. Kathryn Rooth Genetic syndromes such as cystic fibrosis, they used to not live into adulthood. Right. And now they're living a much more longer, fulfilling life. And so a lot of the internal medicine docs never really trained having cystic fibrosis patients. And so now that they're in their patient panel or in their office, they don't have that training or that comfort level of knowing how to take care of them.   01:13:01:01 - 01:13:25:05 Erin Croyle It's interesting because I see that a lot with my friends who have older children where they speak about that transition out of the pediatric specialists to the adult specialists. And you're right, I mean, Down syndrome in the eighties, the life expectancy was, you know, 20 something. Now it's fifties and sixties and we're learning more and more.   01:13:25:07 - 01:13:50:17 Dr. Kathryn Rooth Absolutely. It's funny, I a lot of the pediatricians will say I'm just holding on to them and taking care of them for longer than I should because I know them best and they don't want to transition them into the adult world. Specialists do the same thing. I had a pediatric cardiologist, so who's taking care of adults because he's like, I'm I don't want to pass them off because I know how to take care of this congenital heart disease better than adult cardiology.   01:13:50:19 - 01:14:21:12 Erin Croyle Yeah. Kathryn, you know, you mentioned before being careful about what said and understanding things. There is so much outdated terminology that is still tossed around like m.r. I hear people say mental retardation or ma regularly, but also in defense of doctors. Actually, I think it's confusing if you're not in the inner circle of disability, the you know, person first versus disability pride language.   01:14:21:14 - 01:14:32:23 Erin Croyle Is there any professional development offered to doctors to keep up with what is current acceptable standards of our jargon in the disability world?   01:14:33:00 - 01:15:04:02 Dr. Kathryn Rooth I'm sure there is. I have not seen it or been a part of it. I mean, I know, Erin, I told you before we came on this, I said, you know, I right now predominantly work with the geriatric population. I don't really see any people with developmental disabilities anymore, unfortunately. So I haven't been out of it, of being aware of the correct terminology, because I feel like it does evolve and it has changed and EMDR is now ready.   01:15:04:03 - 01:15:28:06 Dr. Kathryn Rooth But is there something else that's more appropriate to say that I have not heard? So I said, Erin, please, I don't want to say anything that is insensitive or inappropriate because, you know, I just I'm afraid to use the incorrect terminology and be offensive. And so sometimes I don't say anything at all because I don't know what the right thing is to say.   01:15:28:08 - 01:15:55:02 Erin Croyle I love that we're bringing this up, though, because I've been with doctors who have said, Down syndrome kid, and I cringe because in the Down's syndrome community it is person first. But in the autism community, it's autistic children. And there's also, like I mentioned, disability pride. So it's like this dance where parents and advocates don't want to say anything and doctors are afraid of saying the wrong thing.   01:15:55:04 - 01:16:17:13 Erin Croyle So I how do we bridge that gap? Is there a way to have that conversation as a parent who's advocating for their child? Like, if I went in to see you and you said Down's syndrome patients are my favorite and I cringe, I mean, what would you want me to say? How can we have this be a better relationship to change together?   01:16:17:15 - 01:16:44:14 Dr. Kathryn Rooth Yeah, I mean, in my mind, that sounds okay to say that, but you're saying you cringe. So I want to know why is that making you cringe, saying Down's syndrome patients are my favorite and you can tell me. But I will also say you're probably exhausted, you're overwhelmed, right? You have a kid with special needs who needs a lot of specialty appointments, a lot of academic interventions.   01:16:44:20 - 01:17:02:23 Dr. Kathryn Rooth And you're at your wit's end. And this is probably the thousandth time that you've heard this comment and you snap and you are kind of like, are you kidding me? Like, really? You know, and I think that a lot of times the parents are at their wit's end when they get to our point. And it's frustration which we get.   01:17:03:00 - 01:17:18:04 Dr. Kathryn Rooth But maybe, you know, saying, I love that you love taking care of children with Down's syndrome and then explain why that makes you cringe, because I honestly have no idea why that would make you cringe. I love.   01:17:18:04 - 01:17:43:08 Erin Croyle This. This is so interesting. So I've mellowed out a little bit because I understand why go out and. No, no, no. So I've mellowed out because I've had to because there is so much in the world that is just so painful that I see happen to people with disabilities or set about. And I think I think that I pick my battles.   01:17:43:10 - 01:18:07:00 Erin Croyle That's kind of what it is. So if a doctor were to use MMR, like, for example, one time a therapist was talking about how hard it was years ago, loved this therapist and used the term m r a couple of times and I was just like, I wanted to correct them. But I also like, I just I'm so tired.   01:18:07:02 - 01:18:29:15 Erin Croyle Right, right. But now, at this point in the journey, I think that I kind of let Down's syndrome kid go or Down's syndrome patient. But if it's the R word I want and I focus on advocating for my child's health rather than all of the semantics, because I feel like sometimes we get so caught up in semantics that we can't see the forest for the trees.   01:18:29:21 - 01:18:54:07 Erin Croyle True. I mean, but I also feel like to say Down syndrome patients. So I think with that in why a lot of parents are touchy is because when we say person first, so many people see Down's syndrome and don't see the person. And so when you say Down's syndrome patients, it feels like you're saying, you know, they're all the same, which I know you're not.   01:18:54:08 - 01:19:05:15 Erin Croyle Right, but it's just the constant barrage of ableism that we see where it just feels like people just see the disability and not the person.   01:19:05:17 - 01:19:16:01 Dr. Kathryn Rooth So in the medical world, though, if I said I take care of it, so is it I take care of patients with Down's syndrome is better than I take care of Down's syndrome patients.   01:19:16:02 - 01:19:18:04 Erin Croyle Yeah, it's something that simple.   01:19:18:06 - 01:19:28:00 Dr. Kathryn Rooth Yeah. I mean, to me that that's that's very similar and pretty much the same as saying I take care of cancer patients. I take care of patients with cancer.   01:19:28:02 - 01:19:46:21 Erin Croyle This is the thing. I feel like we need to have more conversations like this so we don't get stuck in being pissed off about something that is not intended to be demeaning in any way, shape or form. But it's hard because we are constantly dealing with.   01:19:46:23 - 01:19:48:06 Dr. Kathryn Rooth A lot of ignorant people.   01:19:48:09 - 01:19:49:06 Erin Croyle Yes.   01:19:49:08 - 01:20:12:16 Dr. Kathryn Rooth Yeah. And I mean, I'm always correcting people in the health field always and will continue to when they use AMA. And I think every health care professional that knows the correct terminology should do the same thing. It's our responsibility to teach our fellow health care professionals the correct terminology in terms of patients with Down's syndrome and Down's syndrome patients.   01:20:12:16 - 01:20:35:05 Dr. Kathryn Rooth I see now how you word it, how it does affect you. In my medical brain, when I hear Down's syndrome, I start to think of all the medical issues that go along with somebody that has Down syndrome. I'm not thinking I'm not thinking that this is not a person. You know what I mean? It's just I'm automatically starting to go down.   01:20:35:07 - 01:20:38:17 Dr. Kathryn Rooth Down's syndrome, medical issues.   01:20:38:19 - 01:20:44:05 Erin Croyle Right? Trisomy 21, three copies of that chromosome and how that affects the body, the anatomy.   01:20:44:07 - 01:21:04:04 Dr. Kathryn Rooth So I also they're creating a story for me when they're calling me. I have a Down's syndrome patient with this. You know, I'm already thinking, okay, that their immune system is not the typical immune system, their anatomy, if they ever need to get intubated. It is also not the same as an average person. I don't even the typical person a non down syndrome person.   01:21:04:04 - 01:21:08:00 Dr. Kathryn Rooth And messing this up right now, I'm getting nervous and.   01:21:08:02 - 01:21:31:01 Erin Croyle What this is but this so I don't you know I don't and I want to leave this in so let's keep going because anyone listening I do edit these podcasts. Yeah it's important to cut out some of the stuff, but these are the conversations that people are afraid to have, and I think we forget to think of intentions.   01:21:31:03 - 01:21:40:22 Erin Croyle Intentions are good, and sometimes we get so caught up in the semantics. Yeah. That you're thinking clinically.   01:21:40:24 - 01:21:42:02 Dr. Kathryn Rooth Right?   01:21:42:04 - 01:21:59:20 Erin Croyle And so adding a preposition doesn't really matter, does it? When you're thinking clinically, whereas parents are coming in. And in the regular world we don't describe Bob is a diabetic man like we don't use that.   01:21:59:22 - 01:22:21:19 Dr. Kathryn Rooth Right? So if somebody called me and said, I'm seeing a colon cancer patient, you know, with this, it usually doesn't start off as I'm seeing a patient with colon cancer. That is how they usually say it. So you're right that we are saying it wrong when we say I'm seeing a Down's syndrome patient, I'm seeing a patient with Down's syndrome with this.   01:22:21:21 - 01:22:23:07 Dr. Kathryn Rooth Right.   01:22:23:09 - 01:22:39:10 Erin Croyle I don't know. I have to kind of wonder and if we were really going on a tangent here, but again, I love this. You have to kind of wonder because colon cancer ideally will be cured, whereas Down's Syndrome is part of that person forever. Cerebral palsy is part of that person forever.   01:22:39:12 - 01:22:58:11 Dr. Kathryn Rooth So yeah, but in the medical world you're saying what is relevant to the situation in the moment, right? And the answer is relevant in the situation in that moment with that person. Down's syndrome will always be relevant to that person in the medical world.   01:22:58:13 - 01:23:10:03 Erin Croyle Yeah. It sounds like there's not really an answer except for maybe just trying to offer each other a little more grace when we have conversations.   01:23:10:05 - 01:23:33:18 Dr. Kathryn Rooth Yeah, and I. I also want to recognize, too, like, we're in this post-pandemic make health care world where everyone is burned out and short staffed and overwhelmed. And I think people who work in the health care field want to say it correctly and do the right thing. That's why they are in the health care world. And a lot of it is just because we don't know any better or no one has told us, though, what you're not saying.   01:23:33:18 - 01:23:50:02 Dr. Kathryn Rooth It correctly. And so we need parents to kindly educate us because we are learning from you, Erin, You know, I text you all the time I had this situation. How should I have handled this? Because I want to do it correctly.   01:23:50:04 - 01:24:01:06 Erin Croyle Right. It's interesting, though, I think as parents and probably as doctors, am I right in that the way that our insurance systems work, you're really only supposed to see a patient for about 15 minutes.   01:24:01:08 - 01:24:02:00 Dr. Kathryn Rooth Correct.   01:24:02:02 - 01:24:26:15 Erin Croyle Okay. So in that 15 minutes, do I want to spend that time talking about my child's medical issues or do we want to get caught into explaining things that matter but really aren't pertinent to what's going on? I mean, especially as parents in that short amount of time. I mean, we need to discuss medical issues. I don't really want to get into a debate about person for disability pride.   01:24:26:17 - 01:24:33:22 Dr. Kathryn Rooth You're absolutely right. And honestly, this is the first time I've heard of Disability Pride and I love it. I've never heard that terminology.   01:24:33:24 - 01:25:01:02 Erin Croyle Well, it's the beauty of being part of this work and being so heavily involved is you get to learn about this and and what I love sometimes is I really try to push the boundaries and my son is disabled and my peers with disabilities have really taught me like disability pride. There's nothing wrong with saying I'm disabled. It is part of the human condition, is part of who we are.   01:25:01:04 - 01:25:03:07 Erin Croyle Why are we trying to hide it?   01:25:03:09 - 01:25:24:21 Dr. Kathryn Rooth Yeah, no, I absolutely agree. I'm kind of backtracking. But going back to the medical appointments, I will say doctors have their agenda of what they want to address. Right. They want to make sure your blood pressure is under control. They want to make sure the weight they have certain metrics that they want to address. And you're coming in with your own agenda of what things that you want to have answers to.   01:25:24:23 - 01:25:47:20 Dr. Kathryn Rooth So I would recommend especially, you know, parents with kids with disabilities because it is overwhelming. You get sidetracked, you get distracted, you're sleep deprived is right down. You know, at least three things that you have questions, your top three things that you have questions about so that you don't forget because our doctor, like you said, as 15 minutes, they're probably already behind.   01:25:47:22 - 01:26:09:04 Dr. Kathryn Rooth You've been probably waiting forever, so you're already annoyed and they're rushing around. So they want to make sure, okay, everything is good. Okay, good. Check, vaccines check. And you're like, wait, I have these questions that I need to have addressed. So coming in with your questions written down, I do that. And I'm a medical professional because I don't want to forget because they have their own agenda that they want to talk to you about.   01:26:09:06 - 01:26:25:09 Erin Croyle Yeah, I have to write it down, too. And I utilize my chart a lot because I have to, because there's just things that pop up in between appointments or I know that I'll forget. So I message ahead of time, things like that, to make sure that we cover all the bases.   01:26:25:11 - 01:26:45:05 Dr. Kathryn Rooth And it's good. I mean, the portals are very overwhelming, right? If you have more than one kid and you have three different portals with three different passwords for just one doctor, and then you add specialists for multiple specialists, and then that's like eight portals for one kid, you know, and that's just the medical side. You're not even talking the academic side.   01:26:45:05 - 01:26:47:22 Dr. Kathryn Rooth I mean, it's it's a lot.   01:26:47:24 - 01:27:10:03 Erin Croyle It is a lot. You're right. My son has I don't even know how many specialists right now. It's almost a dozen, I think. Thankfully, the my charts are kind of related and interlinked aside from the Nutrition's office. But it's really hard. And then you're dealing with as they get older, you have to get a proxy to access their my chart.   01:27:10:03 - 01:27:20:08 Erin Croyle Once they're a teenager. It's so much work. I mean, do you have any recommendations for families to streamline any of this?   01:27:20:18 - 01:27:43:07 Dr. Kathryn Rooth gosh, Erin, I wish I did. You know, keeping track in your phone as some sort of notebook, having all your passwords someplace. You know, really, you got to find a main hub, a pediatrician that's on it. Right. And that's going to help you navigate the health care system and kind of be your main hub of where you're going out.   01:27:43:08 - 01:28:11:23 Dr. Kathryn Rooth But really, it's a daunting task. I'm not a very organized person. And so putting it in your phone, putting it in a notebook, setting, it's cyber. You know, you're always going to have access to it, bringing it to every single appointment. So you have a list, a running list of what's been
You Are Not Alone
Apr 30 2024
You Are Not Alone
Modern day parenting can be so isolating.  It's an unfortunate reality many of us are struggling with.  If you have a child or children with neurodiversity, medically complexities, or disabilities, it can feel downright lonely.  But you are NEVER alone in this journey.   The Odyssey: Parenting. Caregiving. Disability.  The Center for Family Involvement at VCU School of Education's Partnership for People with Disabilities provides informational and emotional support to people with disabilities and their families. All of our services are free. We just want to help. We know how hard this can be because we're in it with you.    SHOW NOTES:  Need to talk to someone? The Center for Family Involvement has family navigators ready to listen! They provide 1:1 emotional and informational support as well as community service and systems navigational support. These are volunteers with lived experience who are trained to meet families where they are.  Call or email our help line and someone will be in touch within 48 hours. If you live outside of Virginia, we can connect you with a sister network in your area. Helpline: 877.567.1122 Email: cfihelpline@vcu.edu   David Egan is an advocate, speaker, author, and extraordinary person who you can learn more about here.   John Franklin "Frank" Stephens is a disability advocate, actor, and athlete who penned this brilliant rebuttlle to Ann Coulter following her referring to President Barack Obama as "the retard" in 2012.   TRANSCRIPT: 01:00:07:17 - 01:00:37:00 Speaker 1 Welcome to The Odyssey. Parenting, Caregiving, Disability. I'm Erin Croyle, the creator and host. The Odyssey podcast explores how our lives change when a loved one has a disability. I was lucky enough to head down this less traveled road when my first child was born with Down  Syndrome in 2010. Now I work with the Center for Family Involvement at VCU's Partnership for People with Disabilities.   01:00:37:02 - 01:01:05:13 Speaker 1 This podcast explores the triumphs and the hardships we face. We celebrate the joys that the odyssey of parenting, caregiving and disability bring. But we've tackled the tough stuff, too. There's been a whole lot of hard in my life lately, so I'm changing it up. Rather than an interview, it's just going to be me. So without further ado, here I go.   01:01:05:15 - 01:01:32:23 Speaker 1 Parenting can be so isolating if you add disability, neurodiversity, medical complexities into the mix, it's often even more so. And it starts from the very beginning. When I was pregnant with my son. I remember so distinctly how excited my husband and I were when the doctor did the ultrasound and said, Everything's good. You have a perfectly healthy baby.   01:01:33:00 - 01:01:58:05 Speaker 1 And now I find the term perfectly healthy to be kind of triggering because what is healthy? My son is perfect. This was in 2010. So this was before we had all the blood tests that come now. The ultrasound didn't show anything of concern, and we went ahead and decided not to do the amniocentesis because there was a risk of miscarriage.   01:01:58:05 - 01:02:26:22 Speaker 1 And we just thought, okay, well, everything looks okay. There's nothing to worry about. We'll continue on. And I had this really lovely pregnancy and we were living in Malaysia at the time. So we traveled. We went to a friend's wedding in India and a babymoon in Bali and all of these wonderful, fun things. I just have the best memories and honestly, I'm really thankful for that because it was just this really great worry.   01:02:26:22 - 01:02:59:03 Speaker 1 Free pregnancy and all of a sudden at 39 weeks, his movement slowed and virtually stopped. It's interesting to me, though, I have this beautiful, beautiful pregnancy. I was reading all the baby books and all of the things and then poof, everything changed. My son stopped moving. We went into the doctor. We were told to have an emergency C-section.   01:02:59:05 - 01:03:27:01 Speaker 1 And because of all the things I read, it made me question all those things. And so I was thinking that I shouldn't have an emergency C-section. What if the doctor's wrong? What if the doctor just wants to have the weekend off? Because I think it was a Friday. It just set me up for so much more hurt than was necessary.   01:03:27:03 - 01:03:53:02 Speaker 1 This doctor was brilliant. She was able to calmly convince me to have this C-section and not to wait. She calmly stressed that waiting would be bad so that doctors saved my son's life. Had we waited, had I not gone in when he stopped moving and had we waited to try to push, Arlo probably would not be here today.   01:03:53:04 - 01:04:17:03 Speaker 1 When he was born, he was my first child, so I didn't realize until I had my other two children that the silence that we experienced after they got him out was actually eerie and scary. I was allowed to give Arlo a kiss on the head and they took him away and he went to the Nikko and I went to the recovery room.   01:04:17:05 - 01:04:42:21 Speaker 1 When I came to and was up in our room, room. The pediatrician came in and told my husband and I that he suspected that Arlo had Down syndrome. And this came as a total shock to us, just absolutely floored and honestly devastated.   01:04:42:23 - 01:05:10:16 Speaker 2 Which is a terrible feeling to have when you just had your first child. Arlo Having Down syndrome is one of the best things that ever happened to me. He has taught me more about life and myself and this world than I could ever imagine. But the fact is he is the first person I met in this entire world with Down syndrome.   01:05:10:18 - 01:05:49:02 Speaker 2 I was 33 at the time. I mean, that alone just felt lonely to have no understanding of what my child's life would be. And then sitting there while he was basically in a bubble with oxygen, reading about Down syndrome and learning about life expectancy and all of these things that our world considers wrong because we are so scared to say the word disability or celebrate the word disability or understand or accept or embrace it.   01:05:49:04 - 01:05:52:21 Speaker 2 And it's really frustrating to me in retrospect because.   01:05:52:23 - 01:06:39:03 Speaker 1 One in four Americans have a disability that impact their everyday life. Down syndrome is fairly common. We know more about it than a lot of other conditions, but yet we know so little about it. I know now because I've been in this for 14 years and I've been able to really think about things. Part of the reason it felt so devastating and so shocking is because we still segregate our world between people who are disabled and not disabled, especially when it comes to intellectual and developmental disabilities.   01:06:39:03 - 01:06:55:24 Speaker 1 Because anyone who speaks in an untraditional way and communicate differently and looks or behaves in a way that doesn't conform to what we think are societal norms is looked at differently.   01:06:56:01 - 01:07:24:16 Speaker 1 My son has Down syndrome. It's common, but he still gets stared at in stores and it stinks. I think about how this world is and how people look at my son and friends of his and friends of mine who have other disability sees and how my peers, adults my age, older and younger as well. They're in similar positions that I was in when Arlo was born.   01:07:24:18 - 01:07:56:19 Speaker 1 They've probably not had an actual meaningful interaction with anyone who's disabled. I'm certainly not anyone with an intellectual or developmental disability, and I think that's a challenge that we as parents of kids who have disabilities don't talk about enough. Not only are we learning to navigate the world with our child and for our child because we are our child's voice for the foreseeable future.   01:07:56:21 - 01:08:06:12 Speaker 1 And as much as I help my son advocate for himself, even at the age of 13, he doesn't communicate in a traditional way. He doesn't.   01:08:06:15 - 01:08:08:02 Speaker 2 Really.   01:08:08:04 - 01:08:44:16 Speaker 1 Care about a lot of the things that I'm fighting for for him. I don't know if he understands them or not. I am trying to help him find his voice. Until then, I am his voice and there is a lot of learning that we have to do as parents to be able to do that. Disability is such a separate condition that if you're someone who has never been a part of the disability community and you have a child with a disability, you have a tremendous learning curve.   01:08:44:18 - 01:09:02:18 Speaker 1 In addition to being that person's parent and learning how to be a parent. You also have to learn about the medical components that go into caring for your child, the community based living components that go with taking care of your child, which.   01:09:02:20 - 01:09:04:11 Speaker 2 My gosh.   01:09:04:13 - 01:09:58:13 Speaker 1 Are so hard to figure out. And they vary from state to state. There's early intervention, which is fabulous, but it varies from state to state, and you've got to figure that out. And then the schools. I still remember being at the farmer's market with Arlo when he was a wee one and a mother of an adult child with a disability, just coming to me and almost tearfully telling me how hard it was helping her child navigate the schools and said to me how she still feels the bruises from that time in her life because the schools just don't understand or don't have the funds or don't have the want to support students with disabilities.   01:09:58:15 - 01:10:53:24 Speaker 1 It's hard. So we have to learn all this new jargon and learn all of this medical staff and understand the finances of supporting someone for their entire life. And my gosh, the mounds of paperwork that you have to do. I have three kids. The paperwork for Arlo, because of his disability is three times as much as my other two children and then while we're doing all of this work to help our child and advocate for our child and help our child learn to advocate for themselves, we're also having to overcome and understand our own herbalism these things that are ingrained in us that we don't even realize are there because it's this societal weight.   01:10:54:01 - 01:11:16:23 Speaker 1 There's a societal weight that is put on the shoulders of people with disabilities, and it's ridiculous. And we don't call it out enough. And as parents, I'm not even sure we understand how significant this is until our children get older or unless we speak to adults with disabilities.   01:11:17:00 - 01:11:17:20 Speaker 2 Who.   01:11:17:22 - 01:11:51:00 Speaker 1 Can truly speak about their own experiences. If we really stop and think about it, our systems are set up to fix disability, not to accept it. Our mindset as a society, I mean not just in the United States but around the world, is that disability is something that we should overcome instead of accept and live with. We constantly see in the media how overcoming disability is celebrated.   01:11:51:02 - 01:12:18:16 Speaker 1 Oftentimes it's a physical disability that you see someone who maybe is an amputee and then they get prosthetics and they start running and they win races and they're back again. And that's great. But you know what? There are a lot of disabilities that are just here, and it's part of our existence. There are people who use wheelchairs who they don't care that they use a wheelchair.   01:12:18:18 - 01:12:38:22 Speaker 1 It's part of their life. They wouldn't change it. It's just who they are. And the thing that they would rather have change is the accessibility so they can go wherever they want, when they need to. And this mindset, I mean, it starts from the beginning. And as parents, it takes a while to come out of it. And some parents, I'm not sure ever do.   01:12:38:22 - 01:13:08:18 Speaker 1 But even in early intervention, a lot of what is taught is trying to fix a child or get the child to conform to societal norms. I remember how important it was to me that Arlo could communicate clearly, and I remember seeing these amazing people with Down syndrome early on. A friend of mine, David Egan, amazing speaker, right? He wrote a book.   01:13:08:20 - 01:13:39:04 Speaker 1 Brilliant guy. Frank Stevens, also a man with Down syndrome who is brilliant and my gosh, I'll put in the show notes his rebuttal to Ann Colter about the R word just absolutely perfect. And as a parent, you have these hopes and dreams and wishes for your child based on your experience. And so when your child's born, you still have those.   01:13:39:06 - 01:14:07:02 Speaker 1 And early intervention comes in and you look and you see potential and you want your child to reach their full potential. But not all of our kids are going to be Frank Stevens or David Egan or whomever, and not all of them want to be. And I spent so much time and energy and money in addition to early intervention, we did extra speech therapy and it was great.   01:14:07:02 - 01:14:46:10 Speaker 1 And the speech therapist, my gosh, I still love this woman and I need to reach out to her and tell her this because I miss her. But Arlo's 13 now, and you know what? I don't think he'll ever speak clearly. But there's only so much those therapies and interventions can do. There's so much emphasis put on that full potential component that as parents, I feel like it takes a while and you're so busy doing that and you're just thrown into this cycle of helping, helping, helping, fixing, fixing, fixing.   01:14:46:12 - 01:15:10:17 Speaker 1 And you're so busy being a parent and an advocate and a caregiver that you can't see the forest for the trees. And if I could turn back time, I would just do early intervention and I'd cut all the other stuff out and I'd take him to the playground and I let his brother have his naps and not have those be interrupted.   01:15:10:19 - 01:15:39:17 Speaker 1 And I would save all the money we spent on co-pays and take them on a vacation. But I can't do that, and I know that now, so I don't kick myself, but I feel like I should share it so other parents don't feel that need to do, do, do all the time. It's okay to stop and just enjoy your child.   01:15:39:19 - 01:16:18:19 Speaker 1 But no one's there to tell us that because we're trying to do the best for them in our mindset in this country about achievement and progress and growth. And for potential is so great that we're pushing, pushing, pushing. And you have to wonder what for, because life is short and there are some curveballs that come our way and we need to stop and experience some joy to.   01:16:18:21 - 01:16:54:20 Speaker 1 So if there's something we can cut out, we should. And if we as parents are so stressed and so lonely, then we should find our own network of support because a happy parent equals a happy child. I find myself since Arlo was born, always gravitating toward other parents who have children with disabilities because they just get it. We naturally understand how difficult it is.   01:16:54:22 - 01:17:02:16 Speaker 1 I can look at some of my friends and I see their face and I see their eyes and I see how tired they are.   01:17:02:18 - 01:17:21:16 Speaker 2 And I understand it because with significant disabilities, literally every day you're going up against something. It could be something as seemingly innocuous as there are no accessible spaces.   01:17:21:18 - 01:17:30:09 Speaker 1 So how am I going to get my child with a wheelchair to such and such place? Or there's bikes in the sidewalk.   01:17:30:11 - 01:17:54:19 Speaker 2 Or there's a school dance and my child doesn't even want to go because he doesn't feel a part of the school. It causes more anxiety to try to go to fun social things that you're supposed to really look forward to because people don't understand or accept or celebrate disability.   01:17:54:20 - 01:18:33:14 Speaker 1 I remember early on when Arlo was 81, family elders had all sorts of advice and one of them said something that if I could turn back time I have so many rebuttals for. But back then I just was so shellshocked. I just kind of took everything in and thought they actually maybe knew what they were talking about. They told me how hard parenting is and how there's always disappointment and expectations that are sort of shattered.   01:18:33:16 - 01:18:44:05 Speaker 1 And I just got that up front all at once at the beginning instead of throughout. And what a.   01:18:44:05 - 01:18:47:01 Speaker 2 Load of.   01:18:47:03 - 01:18:56:11 Speaker 1 So many expletives. Okay. Like that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard because.   01:18:56:13 - 01:18:58:14 Speaker 2 One.   01:18:58:16 - 01:19:45:00 Speaker 1 There's no disappointment. I like the disappointment I feel has everything to do with the world that is inaccessible and nothing to do with my son, who is absolutely amazing. And I still have wishes and hopes and dreams for him. They're different, but they're there. Yeah, there are letdowns, and it's not for my son's lack of trying. It's often because of the obstacles set up from an in accessible world, from a world that doesn't accept people with disabilities.   01:19:45:02 - 01:20:18:06 Speaker 1 And as parents, we see this every day. And I think sometimes I see my peers with disabilities handle this so much better because they're just used to it. Whereas I get angry and upset because that's my child. It's just it's interesting. And those are conversations I feel like we need to have. But you know that mama bear feeling you have when you have a child who is just marginalized because of their chromosome.   01:20:18:06 - 01:20:19:08 Speaker 2 Ends or.   01:20:19:08 - 01:20:57:13 Speaker 1 Marginalized because of something that happened during birth or marginalized because of being neurodiverse or whatever. It's hard and it's relentless and it's exhausting. And the supports that we have are so hard to access between lack of funding and lack of staff and shortages and all of the things. So when I say you're not alone and I'm just talking into a microphone here, I.   01:20:57:13 - 01:20:58:14 Speaker 2 Just hope.   01:20:58:14 - 01:21:11:23 Speaker 1 That other parents, other caregivers out there hear this and know that we're here doing this together, doing this hard work, but we're not.   01:21:11:23 - 01:21:14:01 Speaker 2 Alone.   01:21:14:03 - 01:21:19:06 Speaker 1 We're all in our little bubbles, I guess.   01:21:19:08 - 01:21:23:08 Speaker 2 But we're not alone.   01:21:23:10 - 01:21:52:17 Speaker 1 Whenever I drive in my car to and from my son's appointments, because we have to go so far to see so many of these specialists. And it's always been a lot. Because even if you're not far from a specialist and you live in a bigger city, you're dealing with rush hour traffic. I mean, it's a lot of time taken to go to see doctors and therapists and whomever.   01:21:52:19 - 01:21:58:23 Speaker 1 And when I'm driving to and from these places, I think how many other parents are doing.   01:21:58:23 - 01:22:00:01 Speaker 2 This.   01:22:00:03 - 01:22:10:15 Speaker 1 With their children and probably just so tired and so tapped out.   01:22:10:17 - 01:22:51:04 Speaker 2 And feeling so alone. And I'm crying because that loneliness is more than just being in the car alone. I mean, you have your child there, so it's not really alone. I love my son. It's like I love hanging out with him. I wish that we weren't driving to a doctor. I wish that we were driving somewhere fun or all that time and money and energy was spent on a fun vacation or going to the movies.   01:22:51:06 - 01:23:09:09 Speaker 2 But that's the thing. We're not alone. We're not the only parents out there giving all we got just to, like, keep that ball moving right? And there are other parents who can't find a night nurse. It's unfortunate, but we're not alone. We're in this together.   01:23:09:11 - 01:23:13:06 Speaker 1 And I hope that through talking about this.   01:23:13:06 - 01:23:24:00 Speaker 2 On a podcast and if I'm ever not driving all the time writing about it, that we can connect people. I mean, that's part of what my work is, is connecting.   01:23:24:00 - 01:23:52:00 Speaker 1 Families so they don't feel alone. This isolation and this loneliness, we feel it's so complex and there's so many nuance as to it. There are things that are hard to even talk about, like the fact that a lot of us face potentially outliving our child and that weird thing where.   01:23:52:02 - 01:23:55:10 Speaker 2 You don't want this child to be.   01:23:55:10 - 01:23:56:20 Speaker 1 Alone in the world without.   01:23:56:20 - 01:23:57:24 Speaker 2 You because.   01:23:57:24 - 01:24:03:04 Speaker 1 You know how brutal it is when you have a disability.   01:24:03:06 - 01:24:06:08 Speaker 2 And so you're willing to sacrifice.   01:24:06:10 - 01:24:07:11 Speaker 1 Enduring.   01:24:07:11 - 01:24:17:14 Speaker 2 The pain of having to say goodbye to your child. So they're never alone. And if we have other children.   01:24:17:16 - 01:24:19:00 Speaker 1 We're making sure that we.   01:24:19:00 - 01:24:23:03 Speaker 2 Set them up so.   01:24:23:05 - 01:24:34:02 Speaker 1 They are not the person who's responsible for their sibling if something happens to you. But at the same time.   01:24:34:04 - 01:24:34:19 Speaker 2 You hope.   01:24:34:19 - 01:24:43:10 Speaker 1 That they'll want to be there, but then you hope that they don't have to be there. It's these weird mixes of emotion.   01:24:43:10 - 01:24:44:06 Speaker 2 That.   01:24:44:08 - 01:24:57:06 Speaker 1 You can't explain. And so when I see my friends who are in similar situations, I swear there's just this look in our eyes.   01:24:57:08 - 01:25:05:13 Speaker 2 I can see into their soul and understand.   01:25:05:15 - 01:25:24:15 Speaker 1 When I see other parents who have kids with disabilities, I just feel connected to them because there is this heaviness that we carry that you cannot understand unless you're in it as well. It's this extreme.   01:25:24:15 - 01:25:28:17 Speaker 2 Joy and pride that we have.   01:25:28:19 - 01:25:41:11 Speaker 1 For our children, but it's also this burden not of our children.   01:25:41:13 - 01:25:41:22 Speaker 2 But of.   01:25:42:01 - 01:25:47:11 Speaker 1 All the other stuff that is just not.   01:25:47:13 - 01:25:48:09 Speaker 2 Inclusive.   01:25:48:09 - 01:25:48:15 Speaker 1 Or.   01:25:48:15 - 01:25:50:14 Speaker 2 Equitable.   01:25:50:16 - 01:25:58:00 Speaker 1 Or any of the things it needs to be or that it intends to be.   01:25:58:02 - 01:26:59:14 Speaker 1 There are all these systems set up to support our kids, but the implementation of them isn't there yet, not in community based living, not in our schools. And when you try to just do something like everybody else, sometimes it feels impossible and it shouldn't. And these hurdles exist practically everywhere we turn. And so not only are we tired and exhausted from the day to day caregiving aspect of this, which is completely different from parenting, but we're exhausted from just the lack of accessibility, even when things are quote unquote accessible.   01:26:59:16 - 01:27:17:07 Speaker 1 Because unless there's a change in our thinking as a society or our behaviors or our mindsets, it it's going to remain inaccessible. I mean, I know parents.   01:27:17:07 - 01:27:19:14 Speaker 2 That have not had a proper night's.   01:27:19:14 - 01:27:25:18 Speaker 1 Sleep in years.   01:27:25:20 - 01:28:01:24 Speaker 1 This is some heavy stuff that I'm laying out here, and I get that. But I'm doing this for a reason. It's not that there is not joy. I love my son. I love my children. I love my life. But sometimes sugarcoating it does a disservice to what is really happening. And I cannot say enough that it is never about him.   01:28:02:01 - 01:28:20:23 Speaker 1 My sadness, my frustration and my anger. It's never about my son. It's never about anything but what we're up against because.   01:28:20:23 - 01:28:21:12 Speaker 2 People.   01:28:21:12 - 01:28:58:24 Speaker 1 Don't understand. And that's why I want to be real right now, especially in this age of social media and smiling pictures and reels that are all laughing and funny and hilarious. There is a heaviness there in a lot of our lives, and I want people to know that they're not alone in that heaviness that despite the pictures they see, I would bet that so many other people are feeling it, too.   01:28:59:01 - 01:29:40:12 Speaker 1 And I hope that we can start talking about it more and being open about it. There's always this effort to switch and make things positive and share the good as well, and that's really important. And that's why I cannot stress enough how amazing and beautiful parenting is. But as caregivers for people who truly do have to do caregiving in addition to parenting or grandparenting or whatever aspect of this you're in, caregiving is hard.   01:29:40:14 - 01:30:01:21 Speaker 1 We're taught to sandwich things with sort of good, tough stuff. Good and I don't want to do that today. I don't want to twist this and make some funny story or tell anyone it's all going to be okay because you know what?   01:30:01:23 - 01:30:18:12 Speaker 2 Sometimes it's not okay. Sometimes things don't work out. But that's why hope and perseverance are so important, because that combination can.   01:30:18:12 - 01:30:38:08 Speaker 1 Get us through the day, the week, the years. And I hope that by being open about how hard things are and letting people know that despite how things might seem on the exterior, a lot of us are.   01:30:38:08 - 01:30:40:11 Speaker 2 Struggling and that.   01:30:40:11 - 01:31:32:08 Speaker 1 This journey is hard and that even people who seem to understand it and know it and navigate it well, that doesn't mean that they have all the answers or that they're okay just means they're getting through the day. So if that's where you're at right now, know that there are other people struggling right along with you. And for all of us, just kindness, patience, understanding, offering a smile or help instead of passing judgment can make these hard days a little easier.   01:31:32:10 - 01:31:53:21 Speaker 1 Thanks for listening. Please rate review, share and subscribe and let me know what you want to learn more about. There's no shortage of issues to cover, but I'll gladly move a hot topic to the top of the list. This is The Odyssey. Parenting. Caregiving, Disability. I'm Erin Croyle. We'll talk soon.
Is Food Impacting Our Children More Than We Realize?
Mar 28 2024
Is Food Impacting Our Children More Than We Realize?
You are what you eat. That adage has been around forever for a reason.  The foods we consume have changed drastically over the last few decades. Packaged, highly processed foods have flooded groceries, gas stations, schools, sporting events, and gatherings. It's practically impossible for a child or adult to go a day without having ultra-processed fare offered or simply sitting out to grab.  We're still learning the full impact this has on our minds and bodies. So far the data and anecdotal evidence show it's not good. And to be clear, this has nothing to do with weight or appearance. We're talking overall health, growth, behavior, and how we feel.  Shunta Summers sees this every day. She is the owner and president of Foundations Learning Academy. She's dedicated her life's work to childhood education and nutrition because she understands how it impacts the lives and futures of young people. The Odyssey: Parenting. Caregiving. Disability.  The Center for Family Involvement at VCU School of Education's Partnership for People with Disabilities provides informational and emotional support to people with disabilities and their families. All of our services are free. We just want to help. We know how hard this can be because we're in it with you.    TRANSCRIPT: 01:00:07:20 - 01:00:36:07 Erin Croyle Welcome to The Odyssey. Parenting, Caregiving, Disability. I'm Erin Croyle, the creator and host of The Odyssey podcast explores the turn our lives take when a loved one has a disability. I join the club, so to speak, in 2010, when my first child was born with Down's Syndrome. I left my career as a television journalist to immerse myself in parenting and understanding all things disability.   01:00:36:09 - 01:01:03:01 Erin Croyle This eventually led to my work at the Center for Family Involvement at VCU's Partnership for People with Disabilities as a communications specialist. The impact our diets have on our brains and bodies has always interested me. Becoming a parent of three very different children and learning what families and schools are dealing with when it comes to nutrition made me realize how complicated feeding children can be.   01:01:03:03 - 01:01:21:01 Erin Croyle Shunta Summers is going to break this down with me today. She's the owner and president of Foundations Learning Academy in Richmond, Virginia. Her child care center has a focus on early childhood education and nutrition.   01:01:21:03 - 01:01:44:22 Erin Croyle Shunta, thank you so much for joining me. You have such an interesting background. Born in Queens, graduate from high school in Chesterfield, majored in food science at North Carolina State University. You own and run a successful business. You do volunteer and advocacy work. You're a mother of four. I don't know how you do it all. Maybe we should start with a what I eat in a day quiz.   01:01:44:22 - 01:01:49:00 Erin Croyle Right to figure it out. Seriously, though, how do you do it all?   01:01:49:02 - 01:02:16:08 Shunta Summers Well, thank you so much, Erin, for having me today. I like all of you. We're in this together. We're growing and learning as we live. One of the things that I do is I try to plan as much as possible, but life happens, throws us curveballs. We can't always do what we planned to do in the day. So that's one of the reasons why one of the key things is prepping.   01:02:16:10 - 01:02:37:16 Shunta Summers I'm a big advocate for prepping at the center as well as at my home, because a lot of times I have to spend more time at the center. There are times that I don't get to provide the home cooked meals that I want to at home. So my alternative is to have meals prepped for my children so that they can grab and go.   01:02:37:17 - 01:03:00:15 Shunta Summers It makes a lot easier that they're getting older, but I still want to make sure that they're given the best choices as possible, knowing that there's so many alternatives at their fingertips that they could just order food to come to their homes whenever. So I do understand the importance of having food too readily available at home as well as at the center.   01:03:00:15 - 01:03:05:05 Shunta Summers And that's one of the things we try to educate our families about as well.   01:03:05:07 - 01:03:23:03 Erin Croyle And we're going to get into what you suggested prep later on. I'm writing it down on my notes to make sure we follow up with that question. But I want to give you a little bit more background to who you are. I'm really interested in what got you interested in food science and the connection to early childhood.   01:03:23:05 - 01:03:47:15 Shunta Summers One of the things was I was actually pre-med in school and then I did well, biochemistry, organic chemistry, loved it. But then once I had to start getting into working with humans and blood, I just didn't enjoy it. But then I also was fascinated me was how much food really does affect our bodies on a daily basis. So that's one of the reasons why I went into food science.   01:03:47:17 - 01:04:25:15 Shunta Summers And I absolutely loved it because what I learned at school, a lot of times people say, what you learn school you don't really use in the real world. But those basic concepts that I learned early on still provides the framework for what I do now, even with early childhood development, because I take it our holistic approach. We don't just look at the educational needs, we look at social, emotional, plus the nutritional needs of these children, because we're actually helping families too, because a lot of our families, they don't know how to properly feed their children.   01:04:25:15 - 01:04:53:17 Shunta Summers There's a lot of processed food, so introducing the child as early as possible to healthy, nutritious meals, you can really help their tastebuds very early on so that they don't want and need and crave the highly processed, salty, sugary, sweet foods that don't have high nutritional value that's going to last and help them grow and develop either.   01:04:53:19 - 01:05:25:05 Erin Croyle I am so glad that you brought that up because something that so many parents struggle with is how hard it is to feed our kiddos. Right? And by right I don't mean right versus wrong or good food versus bad food. This conversation is not going to be about more diet culture nonsense. It's about nourishment. And in my experience as a parent, as someone who is involved in schools and someone who's at sporting events, when I say it's hard to feed our children, right, I mean that they are inundated with heavily in ultra processed foods.   01:05:25:11 - 01:05:45:10 Erin Croyle Everywhere they go. There is these things called Scooby Snacks that are like on the label. They say they're good for kids and multigrain. But if you look at the actual packaging, I mean, it's all refined ingredients. Yes. Sugar. So much of the convenient stuff for toddlers and children and adults, for that matter. It's engineered for all of us to want more, right?   01:05:45:11 - 01:05:55:15 Erin Croyle Yes. And then you couple that with food aversions and all these other things, it's really hard to establish and maintain a palate for foods. So tell me more about your experience with this.   01:05:55:17 - 01:06:25:23 Shunta Summers So it is very challenging just from even the childcare perspective is because you want to do especially post-COVID, you want to have as many individually wrapped items as possible, but then that also means highly processed foods that are the lower nutritional value. So just last week I was at a food show. They know that we're vegetarian, So one of the things that they had was Kellogg's.   01:06:26:00 - 01:07:01:00 Shunta Summers They came in, we went to to them and I saw the stuff. But then I also know there's another smaller company that has a whole grain that uses oats versus the refined and the enriched flour. Those type of things where you have to be aware of. Yes, the packaging is not as pretty, but at the end of the day, when I can serve crisp rice over wheat cracker, that goes a lot longer, especially when I have so many children with allergies.   01:07:01:02 - 01:07:25:09 Shunta Summers So that's one of the things is just looking at it like with meal prepping, just like as far as our yogurt, we would just get the tubs of the nonfat yogurt and we would make our own parfaits. But that's a part of prepping. And then at home, that's what I would do too. So we would have the oats or a granola and then we'd have the yogurt and then we'd have the fresh fruit.   01:07:25:11 - 01:07:52:18 Shunta Summers So that's one of the things that we do with the children. We give them the exercise of putting their parfaits together. But on the go, you would have that ready to go. It is very challenging because it takes more time to cut up fruits and vegetables. It takes more time to look at all of the ingredients that goes into a product versus just looking at the big names that's on the front of the product.   01:07:52:21 - 01:07:55:11 Shunta Summers It is very, very challenging.   01:07:55:13 - 01:08:16:09 Erin Croyle Let's talk more about those challenges. Like you mentioned with yogurt. I know I ran into this when my kids were younger, where I would try to give them all that plain yogurt and then just put some fruit in it and maybe a little honey. And then they went out and were introduced to all the other stuff, and they don't like that anymore.   01:08:16:11 - 01:08:28:01 Erin Croyle So what are some ways that we can prep and help keep our our children's palates kind of geared towards less processed stuff?   01:08:28:03 - 01:08:54:01 Shunta Summers It's either be honest with you, it's so much easier birth to five and then once they get into school, you can't help. They're introduced with so many different things, like you said, with the yogurt, because the schools are going to do the prepackaged yogurts. And even when you pack your child's lunch, after a while, they're going to want some of the things that they see other kids have and they'll, Why do you have this?   01:08:54:01 - 01:09:26:01 Shunta Summers Why do you have that? So it's more so of just honestly educating them early on with the nutritional value of the the foods that they're putting in their body, what it what it does like with my pre-teens, I have a daughter she goes she likes going to altar. But one of the things I say is instead of having to do all the acne and all of those things, if you put good things in, you don't have to worry about all of these bad things coming out.   01:09:26:03 - 01:09:50:18 Shunta Summers So one of the things that I like, if you do drink a juice, make sure you followed up with that same amount of water. Little things you just instill in them. Yes. They may not always get it initially, but in the back of their mind they'll they'll go back to it. I had a parent tell me that she did all the right things and then their teenager exposed to very various different things.   01:09:50:18 - 01:10:13:08 Shunta Summers And then, you know, they followed what everyone else did. And then later on, 1819, that's when they realized, hey, what mom was was doing actually made me feel better. And it was a lot easier to do. So all we can do is we can educate, train them, show them the good, the bad and the ugly. But be realistic about it.   01:10:13:08 - 01:10:33:21 Shunta Summers Not just saying that, don't do this. We explain what what goes into them depending on their age so that they really do understand and so they can make that decision for themselves. I think that that makes it a lot better for them. And if they have more buy in, like I have a teenage son in high school.   01:10:34:01 - 01:10:58:21 Shunta Summers So he was like, Well, I want to make sure my chicken breasts. So I said, Well, here is the non salt seasoning. So he was like, okay. And then I can add something else. Yes. So you're not adding salted seasoning plus any condiments or anything that has that. So you compromise. And so as long as they can understand that, of course you can explain that to our five or seven year old.   01:10:58:23 - 01:11:08:17 Shunta Summers But the older the child is, you you try to prepare them for life. And so you you do it in phases and stages as they're developmentally ready.   01:11:08:19 - 01:11:28:12 Erin Croyle I really love that you mentioned that. And I'm going to share my own story because I have three kids and my oldest, as I mentioned, has Down syndrome. Early on, he needed to gain weight. We're like working with the doctors to make sure he got all the food he needed. It was my first kid, so I had time.   01:11:28:12 - 01:11:49:23 Erin Croyle It was extra egg yolks in the scrambled eggs, heavy whipping cream in the scrambled eggs. I would always add baby spinach to those eggs because you can't taste it. You may see green flecks. It's nothing. A little turmeric in there, extra olive oil here and there, avocados. But it was so interesting to me because my mother in law, for instance, was like, well, he has to gain weight.   01:11:49:23 - 01:12:19:22 Erin Croyle Why aren't you giving him ice cream? And I'm like, because he's like, not even one yet. And I don't want him to want cake and cookie and ice cream. I want him to want the things that are good for his body, that are good for his brain. And I so often see that with kids. So especially when you're thinking intellectual disabilities, developmental disabilities, if you can help them, just give them all the good stuff early and I really kept the processed stuff out of his food.   01:12:19:22 - 01:12:42:16 Erin Croyle Aversions came his favorite foods. Because of everything, I pushed our hummus and the only produce he'll eat is clementines. But I'll take it and I can make smoothies and mix in a bunch of vegetables. Right? I was able to build a really good foundation, and now I'm trying to introduce more foods back in, and I can get into that later with ideas for others who are struggling with that.   01:12:42:18 - 01:13:01:06 Erin Croyle But I just feel like it's so important. But yet we see everyone around us trying to push the and again, I don't want to do diet culture, but some of it is just junk food in it and he didn't like lollipops and candies. He only liked chocolate. And so I was riding that wave as long as I could.   01:13:01:06 - 01:13:07:21 Erin Croyle And it was interesting to me to see how many people tried to push like, you know, the gummy fruits.   01:13:07:23 - 01:13:09:21 Shunta Summers gosh, yes. But why do.   01:13:09:21 - 01:13:11:20 Erin Croyle People give kids gummy fruits?   01:13:11:22 - 01:13:40:22 Shunta Summers I have no idea. No idea. I see. And that's one of the things like something like the gummies. My daughter has severe food allergies, so I had to dig into what makes those gummies. Even the gummy vitamins that they push, it has carnauba wax in it and that is a derivative of a tree nut. So that's one of the reasons why I don't do the gummies.   01:13:40:24 - 01:14:02:13 Shunta Summers When she was younger and I had more control, that was easier for me. But now that she's older, I want her to understand what that does to her. So when she starts breaking out, when she does not feel so good, it's because of that. So she's making that choice. Even though I see everyone eating those, I don't want to because of the way it makes me feel.   01:14:02:15 - 01:14:27:06 Shunta Summers So even with children that as they get older, they start having the food aversions, the core and the foundation that you laid. It is inherently in them and eventually it'll come out. But the one thing is to give them that time and space to try new things. But yes, Clementine's I'm all for it, you know, let's go with that.   01:14:27:06 - 01:14:56:10 Shunta Summers And like you said, the smoothies, you're doing that. But it is very, very hard nowadays when even I mean, love it grandparents or other family members that don't share your same philosophy when they come in and they're like, I want to give them a treat. Okay, let's bake together, not let's take them out for ice cream and all these other things that just is not good for them.   01:14:56:12 - 01:15:21:22 Shunta Summers That's one of the things that I tried to do, even in my own family, is just educate them on the importance of eating more wholesome foods because you you actually feel better and it stays on you a lot longer than those highly processed food where you had those sugar spikes and then you had those crashes and you just do not feel well at all.   01:15:21:24 - 01:15:46:09 Erin Croyle You see so many different kids and you have been doing this for over 20 years with your foundations Learning Academy, seeing different generations. I find it interesting how little we know about nutrition. I see it with my husband who thinks certain things are healthy and I'm like, no, no, no. They need some protein for breakfast or else they're going to be hungry in an hour sort of thing, right?   01:15:46:11 - 01:16:00:10 Erin Croyle How do we help with the mindset of parents and family members to understand and children? What we put in our bodies really impacts how we feel throughout the day.   01:16:00:12 - 01:16:26:14 Shunta Summers That is that the challenge that I have right now. Just last week we had a child just he comes in at 630 in the morning and he is very amped up, not even in kindergarten. And mom brings him in bags of chips. But I was like, Hey, what did you drink this morning? I had some soda and he had candy on the way there just to get him in there.   01:16:26:14 - 01:16:48:17 Shunta Summers But mind you, the child had been coming here for years, and I could tell that he just could not sit still. He couldn't do this at any other. And I had to call mom. I said, Mom, I know I maybe crossed a line, but can you help us out? We give him wholesome breakfast. Just please, if you can refrain from doing that.   01:16:48:17 - 01:17:17:20 Shunta Summers So that be the first thing that's on his stomach in the morning that can help us and also help him once he goes to school throughout the day because he has numerous behavior issues. But it's because he is like amped up on sugar constantly. That's where it's very challenging. I try to do workshops. Not as many parents participate, but I want to get back into doing our little daily tidbit of information that we send to parents.   01:17:17:22 - 01:17:41:11 Shunta Summers Some small thing that they can read not throw in statistics and everything at home. Just say, Hey, let's start the morning out with this. Let's try this, let's try that. Parents are a lot of times they're in a lot. There's rushing and it's just a lot, especially with the social emotional aspect that families are dealing with post COVID that goes hand in hand with nutrition.   01:17:41:13 - 01:18:14:13 Shunta Summers So many people have had to move. Family life has changed on a permanent basis. Sometimes you have families that have had to move in with grandparents and everything. So that dynamic changes to when you tell a parent, hey, meal prep, they may not have the space or the capacity to do it. So you try to take baby steps now when you're trying to food, one of the things we try to do is we'll take pictures of the child so we can share that with the parent so that they have more buy in because they see it's their child that's eating that food.   01:18:14:19 - 01:18:29:19 Shunta Summers And then we'll send home a recipe so that they could possibly try it as well. It is just very challenging. I will say as soon as you think you have it figured out, that's when the child goes and changes and you're like, my gosh.   01:18:29:21 - 01:18:31:08 Erin Croyle Every time, right?   01:18:31:08 - 01:18:33:11 Shunta Summers Yes, yes, yes.   01:18:33:13 - 01:19:03:07 Erin Croyle Yeah. I feel like we're at a really tough point in so many ways. This intersection of post COVID or living with COVID after being isolated, but then also the economy is booming, but people are hurting. We've got inflation. Grocery prices are more expensive than ever. Families are working so hard, kids are exposed to so much lousy food. And on top of that, I love the anti diet movement.   01:19:03:07 - 01:19:19:23 Erin Croyle I love that we're finally fighting against diet culture. But at the same time, I was working with a nutritionist for a while for my own sort of disordered eating, growing up in coming of age in the nineties that focus on being rail thin really does a number on you, right?   01:19:19:24 - 01:19:20:17 Shunta Summers Right.   01:19:20:19 - 01:19:48:00 Erin Croyle So there's a generation of parents trying to undo what was done to them as kids and a lot of that and the nutritionist advice to me was to give my kids access to whatever. And I don't think those nutritionists have kids. When you think about the recommended level of sugar and then what they get just in a school day or anywhere, I am terrified to even do the math of sugar amounts that our kids are exposed to.   01:19:48:02 - 01:20:19:22 Shunta Summers That's right. That's right. That's one of the challenges. I know my daughter, she is very in tune with watching nutrition and she was just like, yeah, things change when Michelle Obama had that initiative in the push for healthier lunches because all of our good juices and all our good stuff is gone now. But it was very good so that they do have better choices in the schools for the children, but it's still not where it could be.   01:20:19:22 - 01:20:52:21 Shunta Summers But I understand that it's high is really tough because of the cost of the foods. I know that the cost of food, it is really, really high. Right. It is very challenging for the prepared foods that the children have available to them in the school system as well as in a lot of childcare centers here. And then just imagine where a parent where you have to grab something and go just because you're constantly doing, doing, doing.   01:20:52:21 - 01:21:20:13 Shunta Summers Like you said, I live it, you know, with the children, they have access to DoorDash, Uber eats all of that. So no matter what I prepare, sometimes they'll order stuff before I get home and I'm like, Guys, I had it already prepared for you. With all the food allergies. That's one of the problems that I have, is that you don't know all the byproducts, everything that goes into making of your food.   01:21:20:13 - 01:21:43:12 Shunta Summers So you have to be very, very careful sometimes when they're there just feeling sluggish. And I said, You didn't put anything good in so you were eating nothing. But fillers is going to come out later on. So that's why you're not feeling so good. So from time to time we'd have to do like almost like a detox. I wouldn't call it that to them with my children.   01:21:43:14 - 01:22:10:03 Shunta Summers That's where it really is challenging. I haven't seen so many children with so many issues with bowel movements and everything, and that's because of the food that they're getting in. They're not getting enough fiber, they're not getting enough of their nutrients and everything in on a daily basis. And parents like old, they don't eat vegetables. Okay. What what what can we do to try that to start that?   01:22:10:03 - 01:22:19:21 Shunta Summers Don't just give them the option of only having the fruit. You have to find something or creative way of preparing it so that it's it's fun for them.   01:22:19:23 - 01:22:23:04 Erin Croyle And how do you do that at your academy? You have ages.   01:22:23:04 - 01:22:46:24 Shunta Summers What Actually, my passion is always with infants. This is the first year that we don't have an And so I start like at 14 months and we technically go up to 12 years old, but we stop at second grade. Those are the ages that we primarily serve. And my focus is really preschool, toddlers and preschool. So one and a half to five years old, those are a majority of our children.   01:22:47:01 - 01:23:00:04 Erin Croyle And you have this amazing program or you're feeding them healthy vegetarian foods. What ways is that food prepared to get them excited about it and trying new things and all of the above.   01:23:00:06 - 01:23:26:16 Shunta Summers We have our food activities that the children participate in. So when we would show them almost like the gummy candies, we would dry it fruit. I had the child friendly knives and all the little things like that. So that was an activity. They would cut up their strawberries, they would cut out the bananas and then we would dry it because they did it.   01:23:26:18 - 01:23:46:11 Shunta Summers They were more apt to try it. And then when they took it home, that was the thing that they talked to their. I made this and try this mommy. And so that had more buy in. One of the things that we're working with, too is Virginia State, their ag department. So we're going to do almost like a smaller urban garden.   01:23:46:16 - 01:24:08:23 Shunta Summers So the children are growing it because that's what we've seen, is they have buy in, they're doing it. They're touching, feeling and smelling it. They're more likely to taste it. That's one of the things that we we're very excited to do. So we have the raised bed gardens and all of that that's going to be popping up for this spring at my mother's center.   01:24:08:23 - 01:24:32:24 Shunta Summers They do that too. So getting children to try tomatoes, gosh, that was like unheard of. But because they saw the evolution of the tomato growing, how they dug the seed in there and they saw it, the vines growing, and then they finally saw this little tomato that grew, allowing them to pick it, that had more body. And so they can at least try to say, hey, I like it, or I don't like it.   01:24:32:24 - 01:24:47:00 Shunta Summers Not just because sometimes the parents would say, Well, either I didn't like it, so I'm not I didn't serve it to my children. That was a way of introducing new foods to the children so that they would be excited about it.   01:24:47:02 - 01:25:05:23 Erin Croyle I love that. I am actually lucky. My 11 year old has always have a picture of me at the farmer's market when he's like nine months old and eating tomatoes with this big smile and his cheeks full. Yes, right. The growing him is so fun. You could grow a tomato plant on your dad. You don't have to have a garden right?   01:25:06:00 - 01:25:24:17 Shunta Summers One of the projects we would do is, okay, you have a balcony because you live in apartment. Okay, put that out there. Or let's say you don't even have a balcony. We can put it on the windowsill and let's see it grow. The children really love that. And so that take home was that it got them talking about it, got the parents involved with it.   01:25:24:17 - 01:25:45:01 Shunta Summers That made it exciting that some of the extra vegetables and a couple of tomatoes we would put out for the parents and they were like, I don't either. I said, Well, your child tried it. And then of course, when the child is ready to go, Mom, can we get one? It's still small steps to help the children and the fence as well.   01:25:45:03 - 01:25:53:05 Erin Croyle Yeah. The thing is, it's you have to walk the walk. You can't just talk the talk. And I think as parents, you set the example.   01:25:53:07 - 01:26:13:15 Shunta Summers That's right. And that's one of the things I tell my staff. I said, we're actually teacher parents to the children. That's one of the ways that we would get through to them was that we would introduce new things and then the children could go and explain this to the parent. And then that would encourage at least hopefully it would encourage some talk.   01:26:13:17 - 01:26:30:22 Shunta Summers Even the vegetarian meals. There's a lot of ways to do it, that child friendly, but it's just depending on the ingredients that you do use that makes it more nutritious. And also so they don't feel like they're eating vegetarian food.   01:26:30:24 - 01:26:57:03 Erin Croyle Yeah. So both as a journalist, I've studied nutrition and big food industries and then having a son with Down's Syndrome and ADHD and now a daughter that has ADHD, I've had to really teach myself, and I'm lucky enough to have a nutritionist at the Down Syndrome clinic in Boston who really gets it, because I think some of the families listening might like to see a nutritionist.   01:26:57:03 - 01:27:20:06 Erin Croyle I know people who have, and some of the ideas are like, make a train out of vegetables, great. But that does not work for my kiddo, for kids who really have a hard time like my son. The other day, someone had a birthday party at school. They serve this Black Forest cake and my son loves chocolate, but it had two raspberries on it so he wouldn't touch it because there were raspberries on it.   01:27:20:06 - 01:27:49:00 Erin Croyle Some aversions are really that big. Know what the nutritionist has pushed is that you have a plate of the things that the child will eat that are healthy and the favorites. But then you have just a tiny, tiny bit of that new food. And that tiny bit of new food is something that is also familiar to them. So I've actually tried since my son will only eat clementines, I put a little piece of an actual big orange, a regular orange.   01:27:49:02 - 01:28:10:03 Erin Croyle I haven't really gotten anywhere with him yet, but he won't push the plate away. He just won't eat that piece. It really is a lot of patience and understanding and consistency. Yeah, I think to try to get our kiddos to really expand their palate and their mindset for food. Right? And it is work for parents.   01:28:10:05 - 01:28:38:00 Shunta Summers It's very challenging because when we have younger children that come in that that are undiagnosed, but we can tell there's a lot of times I'm asking, what does your child normally eat? Especially when they don't eat very well at the center and we can't let them go hungry. So we encourage that parents, tell us what your child normally eats and then you see, okay, a lot of French fries, tater tots, those type of things.   01:28:38:00 - 01:29:03:24 Shunta Summers I said, okay, those are highly precious, but it's also textures. So how can we introduce that and how can we incorporate understanding that we may set that plate in front of the child? We may have to have some alternative to back up because he still needs to have some type of nutritional value so that they can go throughout the day, but at least introduce them to something that they can at least see.   01:29:04:01 - 01:29:36:06 Shunta Summers They may not touch it the first few times, but the repetition of it, you're right, it takes a lot of patience because that takes time for us to to be able to do that. And when you're talking about on a larger scale of having those children that have those foods and not only that they haven't been exposed to or introduced to those children that just don't like those textures, some children only want the softer foods or semi hard foods.   01:29:36:09 - 01:29:55:08 Shunta Summers They won't
Abuse Prevention and Cultivating Healthy Relationships
Feb 29 2024
Abuse Prevention and Cultivating Healthy Relationships
People with intellectual disabilities are sexually assaulted at a rate SEVEN TIMES HIGHER than people without disabilities. And that figure is likely a substantial underestimate, as it doesn't take into account repeated abuse or people living in institutions and group homes.  There are steps we can take to prevent abuse and empower our loved ones to protect themselves and understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships.  We spoke with Molly Dellinger-Wray who leads LEAP - Leadership for Empowerment and Abuse Prevention - at VCU's Partnership for People with Disabilities and LEAP trainer Rose Sutton.   The Odyssey: Parenting. Caregiving. Disability.  The Center for Family Involvement at VCU School of Education's Partnership for People with Disabilities provides informational and emotional support to people with disabilities and their families. All of our services are free. We just want to help. We know how hard this can be because we're in it with you.    SHOW NOTES:  As Rose mentioned, caregivers need to take care of themselves, too!!  To register for the upcoming LEAP webinar on March 18th, click here! For more about Healthy Relationships and Abuse Prevention, check out LEAP’s website. LEAP is currently funded by the Individual and Family Support Program at Virginia’s Department of Behavioral Health and Human Services.  Partners in Policymaking is a leadership development and advocacy education program for people with disabilities and family members. This free program is offered across the country and online in some areas. PIP started in Minnesota in the late 1980s.  The NPR report on abuse can be found here. The latest statistics on abuse are here.  The Adult Down Syndrome Center/Advocate Health Care webpage has many adaptive visual aids to help people with IDD with various things. Including:  Bathing and Showering Sexual Health and Relationships Self Care and Hygiene Social Skills   01:00:07:20 - 01:00:34:11 Erin Croyle Welcome to The Odyssey. Parenting, Caregiving, Disability. I'm Erin Croyle, the creator and host of The Odyssey podcast explores how our lives change when a loved one has a disability. My new path started in 2010, when my first child was born with Down's Syndrome. I joined the Center for Family Involvement at VCU's Partnership for People with Disabilities a few years after he was born.   01:00:34:12 - 01:00:47:05 Erin Croyle Using my journalism and television producer background as a communication specialist, I have the privilege of bringing much needed attention to issues facing our community.   01:00:47:07 - 01:01:20:02 Erin Croyle Unfortunately, rampant abuse is one of them. NPR's 2018 report The Sexual Assault Epidemic No one talks About brought this to light. Correspondent Joseph Shapiro's yearlong investigation found that people with intellectual disabilities are sexually assaulted at a rate seven times higher than people without disabilities. And that's likely an underestimate, as the report notes, because government surveys used to compile this data don't include people living in institutions or group homes.   01:01:20:04 - 01:01:51:19 Erin Croyle These statistics are integrating heartbreaking and terrifying, but there are steps we can take to prevent abuse. That's why I asked Molly Dellinger-Wray and Rose Sutton to join me. Molly leads a program at VCU called LEAP, which stands for Leadership for Empowerment and Abuse Prevention. LEAP provides training on healthy relationships and information for preventing abuse to adults and teens with intellectual and developmental disabilities.   01:01:51:21 - 01:02:18:10 Erin Croyle LEAP was founded in 2014 and is currently funded through the Individual and Family Support PrOgram at Virginia's Department of Behavioral Health and Developmental Services. Rose Sutton is a disability advocate, autism specialist, mother and a sleep trainer. Molly and Rose. Thank you for joining me. Molly, let's start with you telling us more about LEAP and your involvement with it.   01:02:18:11 - 01:02:48:20 Molly Dellinger-Wray The Partnership for People with Disabilities has been addressing the problem of abuse and neglect of children with disabilities since, I think, 2015. They used to have a grant, a multi-disciplinary grant about teaching multidisciplinary teams about child abuse. And I got involved with that project and felt like we were providing training for law enforcement for school social workers, for court personnel, and for lots of adults.   01:02:48:20 - 01:03:06:10 Molly Dellinger-Wray But we weren't. No one was actually providing training to the people who really needed it, and that's people with disabilities. And so LEAP is taught by a person with a disability and a coach trainer to teach people with disabilities about healthy relationships in Molly.   01:03:06:12 - 01:03:14:05 Erin Croyle What is your role? So what brought you to the partnership and what got you interested in this sort of work?   01:03:14:07 - 01:03:51:10 Molly Dellinger-Wray My role started in positive behavior support and one of the things that we know on positive behavior support is we're always looking. We're like trying to solve a puzzle of why people may be struggling and exhibiting behaviors that make people around them frustrated and angry. And one of the big reasons for that is past trauma. And when you look at the statistics and the data surrounding the numbers of people who have experienced trauma and abuse, that can often lead to some challenging behaviors.   01:03:51:10 - 01:04:14:14 Molly Dellinger-Wray And so that sort of pulled me down the rabbit hole of thinking, you know, we really want to help people with the quality of life. We need to think about their past trauma. And because my background is in special education, I always think, you know, I would much rather prevent abuse than have to help someone work through it on the other side.   01:04:14:16 - 01:04:38:05 Erin Croyle Rose You and I actually know each other from Partners in Policy making the Virginia Class of 2013, which is a long time ago now for folks not familiar Partners in Policy Making is a leadership development and advocacy education program for people with disabilities and family members. The three programs offered in most states and I can put more information about that and leap in the show notes.   01:04:38:07 - 01:04:44:03 Erin Croyle ROSE Can you tell us a little more about yourself and what led you to become a lead trainer?   01:04:44:05 - 01:05:02:19 Rose Sutton So thank you for having me. For myself, what brought me to leap was after we had good partners in policymaking, I had learned how to advocate since where military family. I wanted to know what the rules and regulations were for the state of Virginia. So I went through that class and that opened doors for me. On being able to speak freely about different things.   01:05:02:21 - 01:05:25:15 Rose Sutton So when I found the AR that they were looking for late trainers, I was really interested in that because of my four children, two of them have autism. And at one point they were moderate to severe. And so I wanted to know for myself as a mother how I can help teach them how to be safe with relationships of all different types.   01:05:25:17 - 01:05:45:04 Rose Sutton And when we think about relationships, a lot of times you hear them think about only like boyfriend or girlfriend, those type of things. But we don't talk about paid staff members or are those type of things. And people with disabilities sometimes do not know that they have the right to say no to something or may not even know how.   01:05:45:06 - 01:06:02:05 Rose Sutton So I think that leap was able to give them practice on what it looks like, as well as being able to practice it while we're doing trainings, And I think that that's been very powerful, not only in my own home with my own children when we first started doing it, but I was able to practice on them to see how it was working.   01:06:02:07 - 01:06:22:22 Rose Sutton But I think that it's just very empowering to be able to catch them before end, to end, to help them really some of that energy and to be able to have a safe space, to be able to practice what it means that to have a relationship is not just if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend. It's all relationships, whether you're friends, whether you're strangers, anybody within your in your space or in your world.   01:06:22:24 - 01:06:43:15 Molly Dellinger-Wray And I just want to ask Rose, when we first got started with the leap and we had like a three day training program to train the trainers where we taught people about the problem of abuse happening and about relationship maps and setting boundaries. What was that like for you as a mom?   01:06:43:17 - 01:07:07:24 Rose Sutton For myself, coming from a family of abuse, also, but from the mother's perspective, having children with disabilities, my children can sometimes be very affectionate and very trusting. We see a lot of different specialists, a lot of different types of people daily, and they needed to know what it look like for when someone's trying to help you or when someone's trying to hurt you.   01:07:08:01 - 01:07:37:10 Rose Sutton And so it was important for me, especially when we started, because VCU and and, and Virginia board with people with disabilities, you guys had a program already set up. So we were learning it, but we also were able to give feedback on what that was like and if there was any types of things that maybe we needed to add or not or take out, which is really beneficial for me as a mom, as we were learning it back then, I was able to practice that on my children and see how it affected them and what they were learning.   01:07:37:10 - 01:07:58:05 Rose Sutton And with them being on different ends of the spectrum, it was really empowering. And so for me it's more of a passion of teaching this course, and that's why I'm still here, to give other people a chance with disabilities of all levels of disabilities permission and what does it look like? And to practice it because we can hear a lot of things, but we don't always know what that means or some of those things.   01:07:58:05 - 01:08:21:13 Rose Sutton We don't know what they mean. So being able to practice what this looks like and what does it feel like inside of our bodies and what that that little niche in your stomach, that's like something's just not right. It gives a name to those things. And I think that people with disabilities really need to understand that. And this training is so great because it's a series of before and each day built on the day prior and then adds on to more.   01:08:21:15 - 01:08:51:23 Rose Sutton And so I really like this program and as a special ed teacher as well, I feel that it uses a lot of our senses. And so the more senses we use when we're learning something, the more that we're going to retain it. And this thing is so repetitive within the training that I think that. But at the time it's so neat to see them a session for which is the final session and to really know what they've learned and what they took from it, and to be able to give that feedback to you all who provide, you know, the training opportunities.   01:08:52:00 - 01:09:08:02 Rose Sutton I think it's great because we're able to still provide feedback on what they're learning or what no longer works. And over the years I think it's just been really great as a parent and as an advocate to be able to share that with with the community. That affects my family directly.   01:09:08:04 - 01:09:35:02 Molly Dellinger-Wray Right. So LEAP is four sessions. Each session is 90 minutes, and each session because it's designed for adults with intellectual disabilities. We know you can't just say something once and people are just going to remember it. And so each session builds upon the previous sessions, so they hear all of the information from session one, they hear in Session two, and then we bring out a little bit of new information and then session three.   01:09:35:06 - 01:09:57:24 Molly Dellinger-Wray We hear about session one, session two, and then a little bit of new information until session for the last session, which just each session brings in a little bit of new information, but reiterates the previous information. And also what Rose alluded to was we we developed this project with funding from the Virginia board for people with disability to whom I'll be forever grateful.   01:09:58:01 - 01:10:16:16 Molly Dellinger-Wray And then we had an opportunity to really do research. And so we really needed to firm up figure out how we're going to measure that. This little leap was actually helping people. We knew people liked it a lot, seemed to have fun. And it is fun. It's really fun to train it and it's fun to participate in, I think.   01:10:16:18 - 01:10:44:01 Molly Dellinger-Wray But what we learned through our research is that people actually learned a lot better able to distinguish what a healthy relationship is versus an unhealthy relationship. And as Rose said, they developed a vocabulary to help them explain why a relationship was unhealthy. People might have known prior to the training that, you know, this doesn't feel right, but they couldn't really put it into words.   01:10:44:03 - 01:11:06:13 Molly Dellinger-Wray And so we discovered a big increase in that. And we also discovered that in a lot of opportunities, it's very easy to blame the victim and that people really kind of were better able to say, you know, this is not their fault that this happened to them. It wasn't because they were bad or they deserved it. Somehow. So that was nice to see that increase in that kind of knowledge.   01:11:06:17 - 01:11:08:05 Molly Dellinger-Wray Also.   01:11:08:07 - 01:11:34:14 Erin Croyle Let's take it back to that point before the training, because a lot of the people listening might not be able to attend to training or might not live in Virginia. I remember distinctly as a parent of a kid that has Down syndrome and very limited, traditional expressive language. It was at the arc and it was a law enforcement official who said Abuse it.   01:11:34:17 - 01:11:58:16 Erin Croyle Think of it as it's not if it's going to happen, it's when it's going to happen. And I found that to be very scary. But also very real. And to me, what makes that such a reality is that we teach kids, especially kids with intellectual and developmental disabilities. It's such compliance to listen and they always have people in their lives showing them what to do.   01:11:58:18 - 01:12:24:13 Erin Croyle They're having people help them change themselves at a later ages. And so there's this level of privacy and intimacy that they have with people that most non-disabled kiddos don't experience, like they're potty trained and they're dressing themselves at a certain point and it's done and the boundaries are there. Whereas people with intellectual and developmental disabilities don't get to experience or learn those boundaries.   01:12:24:15 - 01:12:33:00 Erin Croyle So what are some things parents should know about early stages? What sort of boundaries we should be setting up?   01:12:33:02 - 01:12:56:00 Rose Sutton So for myself, I think that one thing that's very important is two of my kids are neurotypical and then I have two that have autism and different things. And for me it was a big gap. It's very different because when I raised the first two, it was all about culturally, your is here, go give them a hug or so-and-so's here and we bring them in your house.   01:12:56:00 - 01:13:15:12 Rose Sutton We'll give them a hug and say hi. And it was fine. They did it and and on command. And the younger, too, one of my my older autistic son. So he's kid number three. He wasn't feeling that. And at first, as a parent, I think it starts with us to understand that sometimes they don't like the touch. Some kids don't like to be touched.   01:13:15:12 - 01:13:37:12 Rose Sutton Some people, you know, they see someone coming in, especially if you don't see the person very often and you're making them go and hug the person because they're a family member. And a lot of times those are the abusers, right? So the thing is that as a parent, I feel that one thing that we could do is to for the parent to become educated so that we can educate our children.   01:13:37:14 - 01:13:57:06 Rose Sutton And what I mean by that is give them some space, learn about what your child is doing. Learn about that. We need to teach our children how to ask permission and how do we do that? We need to practice it, right? So like Molly mentioned earlier, the repetition of things. This training gives it repetition. And so me as a parent, I change my mindset also with the repetition.   01:13:57:08 - 01:14:15:20 Rose Sutton Okay, let me let me tell them. Let me talk to them what they're doing. Let me ask them if they're ready to put their shoes on. At first that that backfired because my kids have sensory issues and so they were taking all these clothes off. And so I'm trying to put them on and trying to get them to get these things and the stuff comes right off.   01:14:15:22 - 01:14:39:06 Rose Sutton And so I have to learn how to understand what was happening before I could help my children. And I think that now, knowing the information that I have now has helped to be able to understand that kids need to know boundaries, you know, they need to be able to make choices if your child is nonverbal. I think that, you know, with our neurotypical children, we said, okay, what outfit do you want to wear?   01:14:39:06 - 01:14:54:09 Rose Sutton What color do you want to wear? What kind of shoes do you want? You know, are you into something? And I think that taking that interest into our children and giving them permission to say no. Now, of course, as a mom of four, you know, we don't want our kids talking back and we want that respect, you know.   01:14:54:09 - 01:15:18:20 Rose Sutton So I get that. But when it comes to keeping our children safe, I think that they really need to know that there are some things that we have to do, even though we don't like to do them. And there are things that they still will have to do even though they don't want to do it. And then there are some times where you have a boundary that you can have your own safe space, that if the child wants to have some quiet time, that they're able to do that.   01:15:18:22 - 01:15:37:15 Rose Sutton And my son, now that he's he's about to be 21 next month, he still uses, you know, when he comes home on the weekends or something. He always says that this is his safe space, like kids from a safe space. And so as parents, we need to understand that, that we all need somewhere to go to feel safe.   01:15:37:17 - 01:16:03:14 Rose Sutton And within our home, there are spaces that are safe. And so as parents, we need to practice as kids are very young. I mean, from from the moment that they're born is to practice these things over and over again daily. Make it a part of your habit so that children know that they have the right to say no, or that something makes them feel comfortable or that what they may have told you is going to be taken seriously and at least be looked into.   01:16:03:16 - 01:16:26:15 Erin Croyle Rosen I really love that you said that because our kids are just kind of forced to do so much from a young age with early intervention and all of these other things and letting them have that space is so important and letting them know that they can say no and the hugging and saying no to hugs. I just want to reinforce that.   01:16:26:17 - 01:16:30:03 Erin Croyle So thank you, Molly. Please go ahead.   01:16:30:05 - 01:16:54:10 Molly Dellinger-Wray So when we can model, as Rose said, like it's important that our kids, what we teach in LEAP is that you get to decide who touches you. You get to decide who touches you. And we can model that as family members by saying, you know, hey, is it okay if I give you a hug now? And if they say no, as Rose said, like, you got to respect that.   01:16:54:12 - 01:17:15:00 Molly Dellinger-Wray And and and making it fun. You know, if you're bathing a child and saying, like, is it okay if I wash your face? Now, if you ask them to wash their hair, my kids would have always said no. They were super tactile, defensive on their faces and heads, but just honoring that permission and asking and making it fun.   01:17:15:00 - 01:17:31:06 Molly Dellinger-Wray And you can make it fun by showing your child from an early age or from any age that their body is their body and they get to decide who touches them. And as Rose said, you know, go give your grandma a hug and go give your uncle a hug. Or also, when you receive a gift, your child receives a gift.   01:17:31:06 - 01:17:49:13 Molly Dellinger-Wray It doesn't mean that the person who gave them the gift deserves a physical touch. That's not part of giving a gift. That's that's different. Giving a gift certainly requires a thank you, but doesn't require a physical touch or a hug or a kiss. It doesn't.   01:17:49:15 - 01:18:12:18 Rose Sutton Also, what we see in this class, and even with one of my two, is that they just go and they want to hug everybody. They want to touch everybody. They want to give everyone a hug. So whether it's someone in your home or whether it's someone in the community, they just want to give hugs. And when the kids are little, people that are receiving it are like, your kid came up and said hi and whatever.   01:18:12:18 - 01:18:29:00 Rose Sutton Like, okay, But when they get older, especially males, unfortunately, you know, you're getting the hug from somebody out of the blue. And I remember my one of my first sessions with Leap the six foot two or really tall gentleman came and just gave me a hug. And it was like a bulldozer, right? He's like, come in. And he was hugging me.   01:18:29:03 - 01:18:53:08 Rose Sutton He was so excited. And it was like really hit home because we're thinking, okay, you don't know who's receiving that hug or if that person is a caretaker and feels that that might be in an affectionate touch or an inappropriate touch and they maybe take advantage of that, then that's where abuse comes in, is that you have these trusting students or these individuals with disabilities.   01:18:53:10 - 01:19:07:21 Rose Sutton And the problem is that sometimes they don't even know their own boundaries. And and so it's up to the person to be able to to guide them through that and the person being able to say no. And so we have to really watch that. Like we had a training. And what happened was, is that we were talking about permission.   01:19:07:23 - 01:19:27:03 Rose Sutton And what end up happening is, is that we do use words like consent or permission. Some of these words they may not understand. So what we do as trainers is we actually show them what that means. We we talk about what does even deserve even mean? What is that? What are these words that you hear people using? And we teach those things.   01:19:27:03 - 01:19:47:20 Rose Sutton And so last night we ended up having a whole hug session because all the participants wanted to have a hug. So myself, as the person with a disability and my coach trainer, we were able to oblige with that. But we also made them practice this as we were doing it to ask permission and different ways to ask permission.   01:19:47:20 - 01:20:11:02 Rose Sutton We actually had to improv and add that in because everyone wanted to touch and we had to be able to incorporate that into the session and we got a chance to practice it and practice different ways and it became such a fun experience for everyone and it was very important and they're very excited when they know we're coming back and they expect to know when we're coming back.   01:20:11:04 - 01:20:19:21 Rose Sutton And I think that is very important. To practice these things at any age is touch and inappropriate Touch and who can touch Molly?   01:20:19:21 - 01:20:21:13 Erin Croyle Did you want to add more to that?   01:20:21:15 - 01:20:44:08 Molly Dellinger-Wray You know, I love what we teach in Leap as how to say no. Everybody has a different way to say no. I think oftentimes what you read about is people saying that you should shout no and stamp your foot and be really forceful. But the truth is, we all have different ways to say no. And what's important and what we teach in Leap is you got to get out of the situation that makes you uncomfortable.   01:20:44:10 - 01:21:17:02 Molly Dellinger-Wray And you need to find a way that works for you. That's what's most important is stopping the opportunities from happening of things that might make you feel uncomfortable. But I think also when we talk about unhealthy relationships and that's that's what we're talking about, it's not not only sexual assault. There's lots of platonic, unhealthy relationships. And any parent knows that one kid that their kid is friends with, that they wish they weren't friends with because they see a lot of unfortunate power dynamics.   01:21:17:02 - 01:21:42:09 Molly Dellinger-Wray And so one of the things that we talk a lot about is what is a friend? Friend is sort of a term that we use fast and loose right now. Are your Facebook friends, your friends who are your friend and what is being a friend mean? And so we talk about a friend is someone who would never hurt you on purpose and who's going to work to help keep you safe.   01:21:42:11 - 01:22:07:16 Molly Dellinger-Wray That's what a friend is. And if someone hurts you on purpose, even though you might really like them or love them, that's not a healthy relationship that makes you feel uncomfortable. If that person you don't feel safe with that person, even though you might love them, that's an unhealthy relationship. And the way we categorize it is to put things into sort of three buckets and rows.   01:22:07:16 - 01:22:09:10 Molly Dellinger-Wray Do you want to talk about that?   01:22:09:12 - 01:22:17:12 Rose Sutton So we talk about unhealthy, unhealthy and confusing relationships and what that is, and we delve deeply into those and what they look like.   01:22:17:14 - 01:22:43:13 Molly Dellinger-Wray So we give people an opportunity to really look at a relationship and we spend a lot of time saying, we know relationships are not just romantic relationships, but you have a relationship with everyone. How do you feel when you're in this relationship and do you think you feel confused by it? We spend a lot of time talking about that, and I think talking about friends, I've spent a lot of time in special ed classrooms and hear teachers say like, Go sit with your friends over there.   01:22:43:15 - 01:23:07:18 Molly Dellinger-Wray Well, are they your friends because you happened to go to the same school together? Are they is everybody your friend? More people say, you know, a stranger is a friend I haven't met yet. You know, kind of not a stranger is a stranger. They might become a friend. We don't want to close that opportunity off to anyone. But the term friend is something that I think we need to be a little bit careful about.   01:23:07:21 - 01:23:27:13 Molly Dellinger-Wray And it's very difficult for people to separate friends from paid support staff because paid support staff help us with a lot of things and they do a lot of the same things that friends do. You know, they listen to you, they help advocate for you, they help you problem solve. But oftentimes they're not there when it's their day off.   01:23:27:15 - 01:23:53:14 Molly Dellinger-Wray Another thing is that as ran, this really goes back to the sort of the foundation of person centered practices is thinking about the language that we use to describe the people with disabilities in our life, who we love. And that is to start by describing them by things that we like and admire as opposed to their diagnosis or their deficits.   01:23:53:16 - 01:24:15:03 Molly Dellinger-Wray You know, he's non-verbal. He uses a wheelchair, a really saying he has a great sense of humor and he always makes me laugh. And he's really smart and he uses a wheelchair. It just creates a different frame surrounding a person that really presents them in a much more positive light.   01:24:15:05 - 01:24:47:22 Erin Croyle Minus all really interesting because it is so complicated because we're talking about individuals and every individual is so different. So something that resonates with me is that, yes, a lot of times you can look at the data out there and it shows that a lot of adults with disabilities, when they do activities like going to the movies or going to the store, going to a restaurant, it's often with family or paid support staff because friendships are so hard for a lot of kiddos.   01:24:47:22 - 01:25:19:03 Erin Croyle I mean, my son is one of them. It's really difficult. The middle school is really hard. On the flip side, there are other kids with intellectual disabilities I see who are have lots of friends and are very social. It just depends on the individual right. And so where do you find that divide? It's such a fine line trying to help children, adults make friends, but then making sure that those friends are safe friends and then making sure they understand that the paid support staff is not a friend.   01:25:19:05 - 01:25:49:19 Erin Croyle How are you going to navigate that? But also make sure that they are protected? Because when you look at the abuse statistics, it's almost always somebody that the person knows. And unfortunately there are predators that work in group homes and institution INS and even in schools who know, you know, there's grooming that's happening. So how do you help children, adults with disabilities understand that and navigate that effectively?   01:25:49:21 - 01:26:11:07 Rose Sutton So we have what's called a map of your world, and it looks like like a snail shell. So it's like a spiral thing. And we have a star in the middle of it. And in the star we talk about that is the person themselves and that they're the most important person out of all these people. As as we come out of that Star Space, we talk about some friends and families can be close to you.   01:26:11:07 - 01:26:34:20 Rose Sutton
Self-Care for Caregivers
Jan 30 2024
Self-Care for Caregivers
Self-care is something we all need to do. But for many of us, it's an elusive practice. Caregivers are working harder than ever. Which makes self-care more important than ever. Knowing how real this struggle is, I reached out to my friend and chiropractor Dr. Sarah Gardner. She gets it, and has so many practical, doable ideas for how we can make self-care happen!   The Odyssey: Parenting. Caregiving. Disability.  The Center for Family Involvement at VCU School of Education's Partnership for People with Disabilities provides informational and emotional support to people with disabilities and their families. All of our services are free. We just want to help. We know how hard this can be because we're in it with you.    SHOW NOTES:   Dr. Sarah Gardner is co-founder and co-owner of FLX Athlete Retreat.    All of the suggestions for movement, hydration, nutrition, apps, and much more are here.      TRANSCRIPT: 01:00:07:23 - 01:00:35:00 Erin Croyle Welcome to The Odyssey. Parenting, Caregiving, Disability. I'm Erin Croyle, the creator and host. The Odyssey podcast explores the turn our lives takes when a loved one has a disability. My beautiful tangent came in 2010 when my first child was born with Down's Syndrome. I joined the Center for Family Involvement at VCU's Partnership for People with Disabilities. A few years after he was born.   01:00:35:02 - 01:00:58:14 Erin Croyle Utilizing my journalism and television producer background as a communications specialist, it's amazing to be in a position where I can share stories unique to families like ours. One thing we talk about in our circles, but certainly don't do enough of is self-care. In fact, many caregivers I know scoff at the idea, myself included. It's not that we don't see its value.   01:00:58:18 - 01:01:21:22 Erin Croyle We just can't seem to make it happen. The lives of folks like us who are caring for a loved one for life are just different. The physical, mental and emotional demands are constant. Even if you manage to get some time away, there's no time off when someone you love needs constant support. This is why basic self-care is so critical for us.   01:01:21:24 - 01:01:46:11 Erin Croyle So how do we make it happen? To talk about this, I've invited my friend and my chiropractor, Dr. Sarah Gardner, on. She and I have been shooting the breeze for nearly two years. I found this amazing woman while recovering from hip surgery. Dr. Sarah gets it. She provides care with compassion and understanding in our many hours together, we've laughed at how ridiculous fad diets are.   01:01:46:13 - 01:02:00:22 Erin Croyle We commiserate on how impossible it is to juggle it all as parents. We praise the Almighty Oatmilk latte and we swear way too much.   01:02:00:24 - 01:02:25:02 Erin Croyle Sarah, thank you for spending some of your precious free time with me. For our listeners, I just want to paint a picture here. You're a mother of two, a business owner and ultra marathoner who's married to a CrossFit instructor. You're all about body positivity and health at any size. You stressed the importance of rest and having fun. The times when I've come in and admitted to you that I haven't done any of the things I should have.   01:02:25:03 - 01:02:49:07 Erin Croyle You validated how hard it is and encouraged me to just try to do one or two things. I always leave our appointments feeling heard, understood, and more hopeful. The business, by the way, is Flex Athlete Retreat, located in the Finger Lakes, Ithaca, New York, to be precise. It's this little haven where you have chiropractic services. Your colleagues do massage therapy and acupuncture.   01:02:49:09 - 01:02:56:01 Erin Croyle The space is this oasis with an amazing green velvet couch. Did I sum it up correctly?   01:02:56:03 - 01:03:16:16 Dr. Sarah Gardner Yeah, I think you summed it up. Thank you for the introduction. I think the first time I met Arlo was on the green couch, so some good memories there. And yeah, absolutely. The almighty book Milk Latte is what powers me through my day most of the time. Yeah, I'm pretty in it in terms of trying to figure out that work life balance.   01:03:16:17 - 01:03:26:11 Dr. Sarah Gardner My kids are two and seven and this business basically eats up my entire life. So I think I think you got it all correct there.   01:03:26:13 - 01:03:38:05 Erin Croyle I always love hearing people's origin stories. So what drew you to this kind of work? And then also, I'm really curious how your perspective has changed over the years, seeing so many different people.   01:03:38:07 - 01:03:59:06 Dr. Sarah Gardner Yeah, so I was a collegiate track and field athlete. I read Cross Country as well, and then I had an injury my freshman year and I was just really kind of underwhelmed with the way my Western med practitioners handled it. They weren't making contact with the problem area, vaguely listening, but kind of just throwing and NZ at it.   01:03:59:06 - 01:04:36:15 Dr. Sarah Gardner And I just felt like we could have managed that a lot better as a team. So I became kind of disenchanted with Western medicine. My undergraduate studies were an exercise physiology, which is just pretty broad spectrum. Learning a lot about human movement and biomechanics and just general health and biology. And we actually had a chiropractor come and speak to one of my survey classes and described what he did, and it was one of those moments for me where it was like, I can take everything I learned and have loved about biomechanics from being an athlete and really combine it with health care and caring for people and sort of contribute to the world   01:04:36:15 - 01:05:05:23 Dr. Sarah Gardner of sport for years after when I'm able to be a competitive athlete myself, I think my my goal when I started out was to just kind of create a space where people felt safe and listened to just because that hadn't been my experience, the whole other podcast. But yeah, and I think breaking down that doctor patient boundary and fostering trust and open communication with my patients with the goal of creating better outcomes and I do think that that's worked over the years.   01:05:06:03 - 01:05:36:08 Dr. Sarah Gardner And then as far as my perspectives changing, it really has I started off marketing specifically to athletes just because that's the world I came from. But I get to talk to, let's say 6 to 14 people a day, one on one for 30 to 60 minutes. And so my understanding of how we define athlete has definitely evolved over the past ten years, just because I've learned and appreciate so much differently the physical, emotional and mental demands of everybody's day to day.   01:05:36:09 - 01:05:55:23 Dr. Sarah Gardner So when my business is called athlete retreat, but really we  treat everybody. I mean, we have people in the perimenopausal stage, we have people giving birth, we have teenagers, we have older adults, we have people recovering from surgery like yourself. So, yeah, it's we get to see a pretty diverse patient population. So yeah.   01:05:55:24 - 01:06:18:02 Erin Croyle Yeah, you must see caregivers that some of us have a lot of strain on our body just because we care for another person so intensely. It's really a lot of effort. In some ways, I know that some of my friends, some of the lifting that they do and some of the work that they do is is on par with heavy lifting and athletics.   01:06:18:02 - 01:06:19:03 Erin Croyle Yeah.   01:06:19:05 - 01:06:41:08 Dr. Sarah Gardner my God. I think that I mean, really what it boils down to it, everybody I see is a caregiver in some way. I have a ton of parents with children with or without disability. I have people caring for their parents, which I think is very challenging and a new chapter in a lot of their lives. So a lot of emotional stress which can manifest physically.   01:06:41:10 - 01:07:03:19 Dr. Sarah Gardner Everybody has these different things that they're caring for that are occupying a lot of space in their mind and body. Obviously, the most obvious definition of caregiver comes with caring for children, caring for an elderly relative, or caring for a child with disability. And those are where I see the most physical challenges versus the emotional strain that can also be very pervasive.   01:07:03:21 - 01:07:22:19 Erin Croyle One of the other things that I just love about you and why I just have to talk about this is that you keep it so real. You know, when I share with you in our sessions how hard it is to fit in strength training and you share your own struggles, like how you're doing this ten minute a day movement challenge.   01:07:22:21 - 01:07:44:22 Erin Croyle And then even though you're this accomplished athlete, it was hard at times. yeah. So when you're thinking about caregivers who are just up to their ears in it all the time, what can they do to build and maintain strength? Think about the beginners out there who might just be getting started. You have people who they get started and then things hit the fan.   01:07:44:22 - 01:07:46:18 Erin Croyle Kind of like me.   01:07:46:20 - 01:08:05:13 Dr. Sarah Gardner Sir. Well, I think the first thing we can do is take it just to define strength training. I think the form of exercise that everyone is the most familiar with is cardio. And that's where you're you're running, you're on the bike, you're getting your heart rate up, you're sweating, and you're really working your cardiovascular system and your circulatory system.   01:08:05:19 - 01:08:26:19 Dr. Sarah Gardner And that's incredibly important as well. And I don't think people struggle as much to identify ways that they can get cardio and. Right. You know, we all know we can take a walk. We all know we can we can bike whatever strength training is a little harder to pin down in strength. Training is any form of exercise where you use resistance to strengthen your muscles.   01:08:26:21 - 01:08:49:06 Dr. Sarah Gardner So I think that the go to for most people's minds is to picture like the big, neat, heavy type at across the gym, like my husband throwing around these huge weights. But that's really doesn't need to be our definition of strength training. I mean, we can look at ladies power, yoga, bodyweight exercise, resistance bands, all of these are different types of strengthening exercises.   01:08:49:08 - 01:09:17:01 Dr. Sarah Gardner And there's really no one size fits all for everyone that's going to be determined by your interests, your experience level, if you have any preexisting conditions or injuries, space, that it requires accessibility to a gym and no one is better than the others. So I think now that we have defined strength training, this is the tough one. We need to sort of reframe the paradigm in our mind when we're strength training for life instead of straight training for a sport, right?   01:09:17:03 - 01:09:42:01 Dr. Sarah Gardner So the trajectory when you're doing that looks a little bit different. And so you had mentioned the people who sort of get into it and then they fall out of it and they have to start from square one. And I think we have to start talking to ourselves that way and making it seem like the work we've done in the past doesn't count because it does count, you know, and just because you stepped away from an exercise for a while doesn't mean that you're starting from scratch.   01:09:42:01 - 01:10:04:07 Dr. Sarah Gardner You are still stronger than when you had done no exercise before. When we think about it like restarting and starting from scratch, that's a really real mental barrier for people. So if you're thinking about it like a continuation of something you already started, I don't think it seems so daunting. Do you know what I mean? So I like to think about it as a slow burn versus an explosion.   01:10:04:07 - 01:10:30:13 Dr. Sarah Gardner I would so much rather somebody choose a type of exercise that's maybe lower intensity, but they're able to do it consistently, maybe three times a week versus somebody going really hard with CrossFit. And I don't mean to speak ill of CrossFit, I love CrossFit, but something more high intensity like that where you exhaust yourself and you burn out and you can't recover and then you're taking weeks off at a time and then you are upset because you didn't meet your own expectations.   01:10:30:15 - 01:11:04:14 Dr. Sarah Gardner So I think having realistic expectations is almost as important as finding the type of exercise that works best for you. So that kind of leads me to my next point, which is I'll use myself as an example. I run ultramarathons and I ran one back in September with Koven, which was we're going to we're going to leave out the adjectives that I might use to describe that, but I think I'm dealing with a little bit of long-covid, and I just continued to try to push through it with the types of exercises I was asking myself to do.   01:11:04:14 - 01:11:20:19 Dr. Sarah Gardner I was still trying to run. I was still trying to weight train and it just wasn't working and I was exhausted. I couldn't recover and then I would take like a week off. I'd be upset with myself. And finally, I think during that little reset between the Christmas and New Year, I was like, You need to stop working against yourself.   01:11:20:19 - 01:11:38:13 Dr. Sarah Gardner Let's try something lower impact to work with my body instead of against it. So I've been doing a lot more Pilates, I'm doing a lot more yoga. And I think when you're coming from that place where you were an athlete or, you know, you used to be more active, it's really hard to be okay with lowering the intensity.   01:11:38:15 - 01:11:58:02 Dr. Sarah Gardner At the same time, I'm really appreciating the benefits of those exercises without exhausting myself. It wasn't realistic to keep asking myself to push through what I was experiencing. I am feeling a lot better now, but I definitely was able to get back into a better rhythm by pulling back a little bit and being realistic about my expectations. That's kind of my point.   01:11:58:02 - 01:12:21:21 Dr. Sarah Gardner There is obviously have goals, but don't set unrealistic expectations for the frequency or intensity of the type of exercise you're choosing. And also feel free to try new things. You're not committing to one form of exercise for the rest of your life. You're not getting less benefit because you're not doing the same thing all the time. In fact, I think you're probably benefiting more from switching it up and you're not going to stick with something you don't like.   01:12:22:01 - 01:12:29:17 Dr. Sarah Gardner If you're finding something isn't the right fit for you. Just know that having fun is the biggest key to consistency with exercise.   01:12:29:19 - 01:12:50:10 Erin Croyle Absolutely. I know it's funny. For me personally, running is this huge stress relief. Like, I just feel better, right? It's not the same when I walk. And so when I was injured so long, I felt it. But also at the same time, there are days you do that mantra where it's like, just go out for 10 minutes. Yeah, I don't.   01:12:50:10 - 01:13:04:06 Erin Croyle I went for a run yesterday and I was miserable. I hated every minute of it. How do we find that divide between something we find joyful and movement and also just making sure we move?   01:13:04:08 - 01:13:17:03 Dr. Sarah Gardner Yeah, I totally get that. And that's one thing that I always kind of tell myself that I also love running and I don't ever want to get to the point where I resent it and don't want to do it. And I think the biggest thing that I've learned is that sometimes I need to step away and I need to take a break.   01:13:17:03 - 01:13:33:04 Dr. Sarah Gardner And when I start to get that itch, like, I really want to go for a run, it's like, where, you know, we're back to a healthier place with it. Now I'm going to start running. If you start to force it, you're going to start to hate it. You don't want to get to that place. And I think that's where you want to explore different types of movement.   01:13:33:07 - 01:13:50:03 Dr. Sarah Gardner Yoga is one of those things that I can do even on those days where I'm like, I don't want to, I don't want to move. I'm tired. I can get down in cash cow and move my body, stretch my legs out in a downward facing dog. Other things you can incorporate or dance, just turn some music on and like be silly for 10 minutes with your kids.   01:13:50:03 - 01:14:13:14 Dr. Sarah Gardner Whatever. Just get your heart rate up, move your body, just make it enjoyable and again, you can switch it up as much as you need to. And then when you start to feel like you want to go back to the forms of exercise that you're most familiar with, that's a good time to transition back in. I also think that there, you know, whether it's spoken or not, coming from a running background, when you're not running, I feel shame and guilt when I'm not running.   01:14:13:14 - 01:14:29:13 Dr. Sarah Gardner And I also feel shame and guilt when I don't want to run. So trying to be aware that those feelings probably come up for some of us and then just, you know, talking ourselves through it like you've nothing to be guilty about. You have a crazy week right now. You will go back to it. You're just taking a day.   01:14:29:13 - 01:14:33:06 Dr. Sarah Gardner You're not quitting the sport. You're taking a day. You know.   01:14:33:08 - 01:14:58:15 Erin Croyle I do. And I'm so glad you said that because I know in my personal experience and then I know a lot of the caregivers in my life where you feel like you're in a rhythm and then your child has to have surgery or someone's sick, or if you're seeing specialist, it's 4 hours in a car one day. Not only are you not doing the exercise, you need to you don't want to drink the water because you're going to have to pee in the car.   01:14:58:17 - 01:15:17:20 Erin Croyle So it just falls apart. And then, you know, we all have our own stuff. For me personally, I have ADHD, which comes with this all or nothing mindset. And so I know some of the things that I do, like if my son's in the hospital or we have to travel for a thing, doctors, I'll take a kettlebell and make sure I keep doing workouts or a yoga mat.   01:15:17:24 - 01:15:33:10 Erin Croyle What are some ways for people who life just gets in the way so often and so often breaks up a routine? What are some simple recommendations you can give to just make sure you stick with some sort of movement?   01:15:33:12 - 01:15:57:13 Dr. Sarah Gardner I think the big thing is, well, it's actually people who end up traveling maybe just keep a set of weights in the car, keep a yoga mat in the car with you obviously don't want to keep plastic water bottles in a hot car, but have some sort of hydration ready to go so that when you do find yourself a pair of running shoes would be another good example, just so that when you do find yourself having a spare hour, which like how nice does that sound?   01:15:57:15 - 01:16:20:06 Dr. Sarah Gardner You're not kicking yourself for not having if you're always leaving. I have like a yoga mat at my office. So if I have a patient that cancels and I can squeeze in some yoga during the day and I don't have to disrupt my kids schedule later, awesome. I'll just try to squeeze it in when I can. But I think being prepared that you might have the opportunity, then when the opportunity arises, you're ready and you can you can actually use that time.   01:16:20:08 - 01:16:35:06 Erin Croyle Yeah. And it's funny because you mentioned shame and guilt and I learned a long time ago to let go of any shame or embarrassment. I feel for like doing a kettlebell workout or doing pushups in a waiting room. Like, I just Yeah, do your squats wherever you do them.   01:16:35:08 - 01:16:36:09 Dr. Sarah Gardner Right? Exactly.   01:16:36:15 - 01:17:02:22 Erin Croyle Yeah. So there are a lot of physical demands that come with caregiving and lifting someone who weighs as much or more than you changing clothes on someone who can't do it themselves. The bathing, I mean the putting on shoes when your back is tweaking, there's gear, there can be wheelchairs. Are there specific movements or routines that caregivers who have these additional physical demands on their bodies should be focusing on?   01:17:02:22 - 01:17:19:00 Erin Croyle And also, you know, for parent caregivers, where our children start to get bigger and stronger as we get older, I mean, I can pick my son up now at 46, but what's that going to look like in my sixties and seventies? What should we specifically be thinking about?   01:17:19:02 - 01:17:42:20 Dr. Sarah Gardner Again, no one system or one exercise is going to be right for everybody. But I do think that the one thing everybody needs to be incorporating, especially people in these roles, are core stability and flexibility. And these are going to be the two biggest players in longevity and injury prevention core. A lot of times people think about ABS, but we're also talking about the transverse abdominals, which helps stabilize their pelvic floor.   01:17:43:01 - 01:18:06:00 Dr. Sarah Gardner We're also talking about our lower back muscles and our pelvis and our glutes, everything that's going to give you a nice, strong foundation so that when you do have to lift someone or something heavy, you have preparedness there and then flexibility. This it's kind of on the same idea. If you have a lot of rigidity in your muscles and you find yourself having to bend in two funky positions, you're far more likely to tweak something or injure yourself.   01:18:06:05 - 01:18:24:04 Dr. Sarah Gardner So I think those are the two main things. And again, there's a lot of different ways to strengthen those areas and to stretch those areas. But as long as you're incorporating some core and some flexibility into the workout of your choice, I think that's going to be really helpful. The other thing I would recommend is working with your child or your elderly relatives.   01:18:24:06 - 01:18:46:03 Dr. Sarah Gardner Occupational therapist, whether it's the in-school occupational therapist or it's somebody that they could point you in the direction of, You can have an occupational therapist sort of coach you on lifting technique and, you know, ergonomically advantageous ways to accomplish the things that you need to accomplish without putting yourself in positions that are going to compromise your health and safety.   01:18:46:07 - 01:19:13:18 Dr. Sarah Gardner And that's true for any profession. I know that when I was in chiropractic school they would really harp on us for the way we needed over the table and the way we used our hands. Because if you enter yourself, you're out of a job right? So your ergonomics can be incredibly important. And then the other thing I would say is, and I think occupational therapists do this as well, some will do at home visits and kind of look at your space and they can help you make recommendations to minimize fall risk for people with mobility issues.   01:19:13:18 - 01:19:31:19 Dr. Sarah Gardner But also look at the arrangement of furniture so that you're minimizing the amount of like bending and twisting you're doing or having the scooch behind equipment when you could have it set up in a way that's maybe not as esthetically pleasing, but a little bit more sustainable in terms of you having to work around a larger child or a larger patient.   01:19:31:21 - 01:19:51:22 Erin Croyle I never thought about that. That's brilliant. It's interesting because I don't think parents think about this, but when you're in early intervention, so children up until age three, a lot of times you do have occupational therapists and physical therapists coming into the home. Yeah, So what a great idea to already consider that when they're younger, when you already have someone.   01:19:51:22 - 01:19:54:23 Erin Croyle I love that you suggested that.   01:19:55:00 - 01:20:15:06 Dr. Sarah Gardner Yeah. And I also think like, you know, the more you practice, if they can look at your lifting technique, the way that you lift somebody has probably changed already. The way you lift. Our love has probably changed already. And so just checking in and making sure that your technique is safe, the more you practice that safe technique, the more second nature it's going to become as you age and as he ages and gets larger.   01:20:15:08 - 01:20:25:23 Dr. Sarah Gardner So it's good to just check in with somebody every once in a while and just like make sure there's nowhere that you could improve or tweak or use a tool or a bolster, just things like that as as things change.   01:20:26:00 - 01:20:42:01 Erin Croyle Yeah, I love that. Let's talk about nutrition. Yeah, We always see headlines about ultra processed foods and preserved foods and all of this. How much of a difference does it really make in what you eat versus how you feel?   01:20:42:03 - 01:21:04:16 Dr. Sarah Gardner my gosh. I think it might be the biggest the biggest tool we have in terms of controlling the way that we feel. That's something that my husband, as you mentioned, was a CrossFit coach, and he and I would talk about some of his client outcomes and even the people who were extremely diligent about their exercises and showed up and did the work, it's when they didn't have their nutrition nailed down that they would fall short of their goals.   01:21:04:21 - 01:21:25:06 Dr. Sarah Gardner And I think it's another paradigm shift. The way that we look at food has to evolve. If we stop viewing it as a way to control and manipulate weight or to punish ourselves and we start considering it as fuel and a way to recover our muscles and to build strength, I think that's when we start to fall into healthier patterns with it.   01:21:25:10 - 01:21:41:14 Dr. Sarah Gardner It takes practice, though, and you know, I come from a disordered eating background. I'm in a way better place with food now, but I think a lot of us do fall into those patterns of like, God, I ate McDonald's on the road. Now I need to punish myself by not eating or by eating a salad or just not getting enough calories the next day.   01:21:41:17 - 01:22:08:02 Dr. Sarah Gardner I think that another thing that people fall into is just not eating when they get busy, which is the worst thing you can do as a care provider because you can't. Or from an ending up. The way that I look at it is focusing on clean, nutrient dense foods that gives you real energy to burn it. When I say real, what I mean is like, okay, so I more often than not, I'm relying on an iced oat milk latte to get me through my morning.   01:22:08:04 - 01:22:32:15 Dr. Sarah Gardner And a lot of times I'm grabbing a scone one of their and don't get me wrong, it's delicious and I will continue to do this. But I do notice that on those mornings my energy steeply drops off by ten. I mean, like it's just not. It's high glycemic index. It's high processed carbs and sugar and it sustains me for 14 seconds and then it's done where if I made a piece of toast, put some peanut butter on it and a banana, is it ideal?   01:22:32:15 - 01:22:50:12 Dr. Sarah Gardner No, but we've got some nice unrefined grains. We've got some peanut butter which has the fat and the protein, and you can use almond butter whatever you want. And then we have the banana, which has fiber. It's got a little bit of natural sugar and it's going to give me energy that might actually last through the morning. And again, it's not we're not looking for perfection.   01:22:50:12 - 01:22:58:13 Dr. Sarah Gardner We're looking for something consistently and we're looking for progress for lunch, for example. I'm not a meal. Are you a meal, Prepper?   01:22:58:17 - 01:23:00:11 Erin Croyle No, I wish I was. I can't do it.   01:23:00:12 - 01:23:12:14 Dr. Sarah Gardner No, I know. Same. That's how I feel too. You know, you see these people on Instagram with these beautiful, like, great little dishes all in a row with their chicken meals for the whole week. I can't do it. I kind of. I like it. I get.   01:23:12:14 - 01:23:12:23 Erin Croyle Sick of.   01:23:12:23 - 01:23:33:19 Dr. Sarah Gardner It. Well, not only do I get sick of it, I'm not going to spend my Sunday doing it. You know, It's like that's it. Downtime is incredibly precious, especially when you have kids or you're caring for somebody. And so I well, I'll tell you what I brought for lunch today. I brought lettuce, meat, turkey, cheese slices and some almond flour crackers.   01:23:33:21 - 01:23:51:18 Dr. Sarah Gardner I didn't put them in like a cute bento box or anything. I put them in a target bag and then I made myself like a poor man charcuterie board for lunch. And it's not pretty, but I didn't have to spend the 10 minutes to make a sandwich, which I'm sorry. I just don't have it in the morning. And maybe you don't either, but I still got my protein.   01:23:51:18 - 01:24:09:12 Dr. Sarah Gardner I still got some dairy and calcium, which has the fat in it as well. I still got a little bit of eggs with the greens and then I got some greens and protein with the almond flour crackers. So I was hitting all my basses. It's better than just like being overly starving when I get home and eating a bag of chips, which I absolutely do.   01:24:09:12 - 01:24:23:13 Dr. Sarah Gardner When I skip the meal. Now I think another really good supplement here would be like a premade protein shake. I'm definitely guilty of buying the powder and then having it sit there because I'm not going to take the 5 seconds to put it in the shaker bottle.   01:24:23:17 - 01:24:32:23 Erin Croyle I'm literally holding on to my protein shake, which I was going to ask because I feel it's part of the Ph.D., it's part of being a mom and a caregiver.   01:24:33:00 - 01:24:33:15 Dr. Sarah Gardner Yes.   01:24:33:15 - 01:24:35:02 Erin Croyle So this is okay.   01:24:35:04 - 01:24:58:17 Dr. Sarah Gardner I think those are your. my God. Yes, absolutely. I do. The pre premade ones. I wish I could say that I was going to sit at my blender every morning and put like fruit and everything in there and make it this beautiful smoothie. I'm not. And while they're a little bit more expensive to buy them ready made, it's more value than if you're just going to have that powder that's going to sit in your closet and go bad and you're not going to use it.   01:24:58:19 - 01:25:24:01 Dr. Sarah Gardner So I think, yeah, supplementing with a protein shake is genius. Have them places, have some in your car, have some at work, just have them in your fridge ready to go. And even when you don't feel like eating, just have one of those. It's better than nothing. Right? It's the same thing as with the exercise. Be realistic about the time that you have to commit to meals and don't go to the grocery store with this fantasy of these beautiful, like three course lunches that you're going to
Best of 2023
Dec 20 2023
Best of 2023
This odyssey of parenting, caregiving, and disability can be so many things: isolating, overwhelming, joyous, lonely, full, exhausting, exhilerating. The extreme ups and downs; the highs and lows. You can't fully understand it unless you live it.  This episode explores why professional family to family support is so critical - so peers with lived experience can give us the information and empathy we so desperately need. We also celebrate the many accomplishments of our Center for Family Involvement staff, and share how their work is changing lives.  The Odyssey: Parenting. Caregiving. Disability.  The Center for Family Involvement at VCU School of Education's Partnership for People with Disabilities provides informational and emotional support to people with disabilities and their families. All of our services are free. We just want to help. We know how hard this can be because we're in it with you.    SHOW NOTES:  Nickie Brandenburger is the Director of the CFI's Family to Family Network.  More about I'm Determined. Interview with I'm Determined founding member Dr. John McNaught.  More about the sibling perspective.  Lisa Richard is the CFI's Regional Network Coordinator for Southwest Virginia. She is also the Rural Outreach Specialist.  Lisa is also a part of the Genetic Navigator Program.  More about Carilion which Lisa mentioned.   River's Way is the community organization that Lisa's children find benificial. Lisa was a guest on the podcast back in May, sharing her experiences as a parent, advocate, and person.   Jen Reese is the Regional Network Coordinator for Northern Virginia and part of the Genetic Navigator Program.  The STXBP1 Disorders website features the lattest on the condition as well as the FDA recording that Jen participated in. A podcast on the diagnostic odyssey one mother faced for her child's rare genetic condition.   Parenting Special Needs feature on transitioning to the empty nest.  Mauretta, Edgar, Lisa, and Patrice are all part of the CFI's Cultural Broker Initiative Elderhood and Aging Families.      TRANSCRIPT:   01:00:07:21 - 01:00:37:14 Erin Croyle Welcome to The Odyssey. Parenting, Caregiving, Disability. I'm Erin Croyle, the creator and host. The Odyssey podcast explores the turn our lives takes when a loved one has a disability. I joined the club, so to speak, when my first child was born with Down's Syndrome in 2010. Arlo didn't just make me a parent. He transformed me into an advocate for all people with disabilities.   01:00:37:20 - 01:01:05:11 Erin Croyle He was also the catalyst for a major career shift. I joined the Center for Family Involvement at VCU's, Partnership for People with Disabilities, a few years after he was born. Utilizing my journalism and television producer background as a communications specialist, it's some of the most meaningful work I've ever done because we provide emotional and informational support to people with disabilities and their families.   01:01:05:13 - 01:01:36:22 Erin Croyle People like me, my husband Arlo, and his amazing, gorgeous, younger siblings. I know how important this kind of support is because even though I provide it, I need it too, because I'll never forget how devastated and lost I was sitting next to my son while he was in the Negro. Because I'll forever be on this roller coaster of medical mysteries, decoding behaviors, waves of grief, caregiving, fighting, embolism, advocacy and all of the things.   01:01:36:24 - 01:02:03:05 Erin Croyle The beauty of the Center for Family Involvement is that every staff member and volunteer gets this because they live it too. Everyone at the CFI has a loved one with a disability. At the same time, we're rich in diversity, culturally, socioeconomically, generationally, education really and so much more, including the many disabilities, were not eligible for our final podcast of 2023.   01:02:03:07 - 01:02:29:08 Erin Croyle We're celebrating the Center for Family involvement by sharing what exactly it is we do all day, why we do what we do, and why this work is so important. We start with the director of the CFI Family two Family Network, Nickie Brandenburger. Nickie, I'm so glad you're here. You came to CFI in 2015 after working as a service coordinator for nearly two decades.   01:02:29:10 - 01:02:38:19 Erin Croyle Can you tell us how you ended up with the Center for Family Involvement and how your professional and lived experiences have informed your work?   01:02:38:21 - 01:03:02:11 Nickie Brandenburger So I am a special education teacher by trade. I went to college with the intent to be a special ed teacher end of my college career. I was having a difficult time thinking about being within the four walls of a classroom. I was really fascinated and couldn't stop thinking about what was happening when that child got off the school bus.   01:03:02:11 - 01:03:33:22 Nickie Brandenburger At the end of the day and went home. What was their family life situation like? Who were those other people that were involved in their life? What happened after graduation? During the summer, when school sessions not end, I could not stop thinking about life outside of the school system for families that are raising children with disabilities. So I sort of shifted gears and got a job right out of school at 22, working with a community services board in Lynchburg, Virginia, providing what's called support coordination.   01:03:33:23 - 01:04:04:14 Nickie Brandenburger Back then, the phrase was case management, basically providing support to families of children and adults with developmental disabilities. So I did that for about 21 years. Was exposed to so many different types of families, different dynamics. And it was I love the work. About 11 years into the work, I became a mother and I had my son Thomas, in 2005 and perfectly normal pregnancy and delivery.   01:04:04:14 - 01:04:31:02 Nickie Brandenburger But around three months we started to notice, you know, something was a little off and he was having difficulty feeding and eating. He started to he stopped gaining weight. And I can remember taking him to the pediatrician because he was refusing to nurse and wasn't sleeping well. And something was off. And I remember looking over the physician shoulder to the notes that he was writing, and I saw the term failure to thrive.   01:04:31:02 - 01:04:51:17 Nickie Brandenburger And I thought, my gosh, what does this mean? So that kind of began us trying to find diagnosis and what exactly was happening with him and with Thomas. It was hard. You can't really label it with one thing. There were a lot of little things that kind of combined made things more difficult for him. Around 18 months, he really didn't have language.   01:04:51:19 - 01:05:16:15 Nickie Brandenburger He would go from 0 to 10 really quickly, biting, difficulty sleeping. So we were assessed by our local community Services Board in Henrico County, and he qualified for early intervention. They determined that he had some sensory processing issues and just a global greater than 25% delay. And that's sort of kind of how you begin to access early intervention services.   01:05:16:15 - 01:05:38:11 Nickie Brandenburger And at the time, you know, I was very overwhelmed and I can definitely remember being confused about what my next steps were. But I was pretty tough on myself in that I was suddenly accessing services from a service delivery system that I'd been a part of for 11 years. And suddenly I was wearing this parent hat and it was very uncomfortable for me.   01:05:38:12 - 01:06:00:20 Nickie Brandenburger You know, there were professionals that were trying to support us in our early intervention journey with our son that knew me, you know, as a professional. And suddenly I was a parent, too. And I didn't know how to handle that and process it at the time. So, you know, now that my son is 18, I can look back and acknowledge and say that there was definitely a little bit of shame and maybe some embarrassment.   01:06:00:20 - 01:06:23:11 Nickie Brandenburger And I didn't know how to articulate that. So that probably resulted in making it harder for myself than it really had to be, because I was trying to process exactly what was happening. And I think there's something to be said about parents if you're blissfully clueless about disabilities. But I knew enough to make it a little scary, so that was pretty tough for us.   01:06:23:11 - 01:06:48:16 Nickie Brandenburger So I had great support from friends and family. My husband and I benefit from having family members that are in the field. My husband is a public school educator. His sister is a special education teacher. My mother in law's occupational therapist, father in law is a physical therapist. My brother's wife is a special ed teacher and has a brother with Down's syndrome, you know.   01:06:48:18 - 01:07:05:10 Nickie Brandenburger So we had all of these family members and professionals kind of around us that knew. So there was a lot of support, but I was definitely hard on myself. So fast forward to, you know, 2015 and I was actually when I found out about the job at the Center for Family Involvement, I wasn't looking for a job change.   01:07:05:11 - 01:07:25:06 Nickie Brandenburger I was happy where I was, but I was trying to find resources for a family that I was supporting and I was trying to find some resources for them, Other parents that had children with disabilities that were also Latino. And so I kind of came across the website. I knew about the Partnership for People with Disabilities. I didn't know specifically about the Center for Family involvement.   01:07:25:08 - 01:07:58:12 Nickie Brandenburger So I kind of fell upon the website and saw I notice about a job position and I read the job description and the director for family, the Family Services, and I thought, my gosh, I could do this. This is a perfect way to sort of marry my two very specific experiences. Being a professional in the field and supporting so many families over the years that had children with disabilities and then suddenly being a parent, accessing supports and advocating for my son and I could marry those two together into one.   01:07:58:12 - 01:08:00:14 Nickie Brandenburger And so I applied and I got the job.   01:08:00:16 - 01:08:27:06 Jen Reese I find it so strange that we've worked together for so long, and I didn't know the many details of what I like to call origin story. I can't help but think because of all the families we help and we talked to after you had your son. How did that change your perspective of the work you did in your CSB?   01:08:27:07 - 01:08:51:16 Jen Reese Because I know that for me and so many other parents, it seems these are great. Everyone in early intervention was was great, but they also didn't have all the information that you need because it's just not part of their scope of work. And so here you are on the tightrope of both. So how did your perspective change?   01:08:51:18 - 01:09:22:20 Nickie Brandenburger That's a really good question. So the first couple of years, because I can admit now that there was some embarrassment and shame and I was still processing all of it. I don't know if it affected me that much, but eventually I do think it helped me to be so much more empathetic to what families were going through. I could stand in their shoes for a bit right, if you will, when I would attend IEP meetings for families to help support them, and the mothers would get emotional talking about the needs their children have.   01:09:22:22 - 01:09:42:16 Nickie Brandenburger I would get emotional with them because I could relate so much, but I have this story, so I think my son was probably about six or seven. It was just before I came to CFI and I was working with a family, a mother who had a son with Down syndrome. And at the time her son was probably three or four and we had become really close.   01:09:42:16 - 01:10:04:03 Nickie Brandenburger This mom and I and I would visit them every three months and, you know, and get to know her son and advocate for them. And one day we were having this conversation and I had felt comfortable enough telling this mother that I had a child that was accessing early intervention services and struggling in school. And at that point, I believe he was having a lot of medical issues and we had just begun his five of four.   01:10:04:08 - 01:10:24:19 Nickie Brandenburger And so I was sort of I felt comfortable in telling this mom kind of what was going on with me personally. And so she was sitting and listening. You know, this is a mom again, I had been giving professional support to for many years. So she's listening and she's nodding as I'm telling the story of, you know, trying to wrap supports around him and managing all of these appointments and this and that.   01:10:24:21 - 01:10:45:24 Nickie Brandenburger And she kind of got a little smirk on her face and she paused for a second. She said, Nickie can I give you a little bit of advice? And I said, Sure, why I'm telling you. And she said, Stay in your lane. And I at first I thought, What in the world does she mean? Stay my lane? And she kind of laughed and she said, You know, you have been a fantastic support coordinator for our family.   01:10:46:01 - 01:11:06:00 Nickie Brandenburger We have really benefited from your knowledge and your resources. And I think, you know, I'm so appreciative of it. But you are also Thomas mom. And I think sometimes it's easy to get into being a case manager or support coordinator for your son. And it's important because you do have a lot to manage, she said. But stay in your lane, stay in your mom.   01:11:06:00 - 01:11:43:11 Nickie Brandenburger LANE And that's what she meant by that. And I was actually speech less, but in a good way because she was right. I really needed to learn to balance it better. The universe sort of gives you what you need at the time you need it. And that incident was probably about a year before I came to CFI. But that really that moment was really pivotal for me in terms of being able to marry those two things together, being a parent and advocating and understanding the challenges, but also supporting other parents and working with professionals so that that's really when it pivoted.   01:11:43:13 - 01:12:13:21 Jen Reese That is a really good example of what we deal with at the Center for Family Involvement all the time. And I think about how sometimes it's not possible to stay in your lane because when we have to deal with the IEP process or getting second opinions and really going up against what a doctor tells you, because in your bones, you know that it's wrong and these things are hard and.   01:12:13:23 - 01:12:14:10 Nickie Brandenburger Sometimes you.   01:12:14:10 - 01:12:34:12 Jen Reese Want to stay in your lane, but you can't. With the CVI, as we know how to help people kind of do that. And that's why we're so passionate about the work that we do. So can you give some examples of some of the work we've done where we have helped families in this way to kind of figure out how to navigate this road?   01:12:34:12 - 01:12:43:03 Jen Reese Because it's hard and there aren't that many of us who have children with disabilities. It's just such a different world.   01:12:43:08 - 01:13:14:06 Nickie Brandenburger And I think that's one of the things that's unique about the Center for Family involvement. And, you know, our staff that are spread throughout the state of Virginia and our network of what we call family navigators, which are parents and family members and caregivers that have loved ones with disabilities. And they're spread throughout the state of Virginia. So our network has, you know, 40 plus volunteers and then 20 odd staff who all have very different experiences, you know, very different cultural backgrounds.   01:13:14:08 - 01:13:33:04 Nickie Brandenburger Some of us were born in a country outside of the U.S. Some of us were in military families, and we had that transient sort of lifestyle and childhood. Some of us live in rural communities with very few resources or limited resources, and some of us live in cities where we're almost overwhelmed with resources. And there's everything in between.   01:13:33:06 - 01:14:03:19 Nickie Brandenburger We have children of all ages with all different types of disabilities, but the one common denominator that we all have at the Center for Family Involvement is we have someone we love very dearly that has a disability or some sort of special health care need the magic in the work that we do, the family to family, parent to parent support is that when you can connect with that person, that has reached out looking for help, when you can connect with that parent and say, me too.   01:14:03:21 - 01:14:32:24 Nickie Brandenburger There's a magic that happens and sometimes you'll feel a little goose bumps on your skin. You feel that connection when you can share a story and it helps another parent feel validated in how they're feeling, what they're experiencing. Because you say, Yeah, me too. Been there, done that. And it helps even more when the person you're talking to looks like you maybe is from the same cultural background is you lives in the same community.   01:14:33:01 - 01:14:53:03 Nickie Brandenburger And that is also unique, I think, to the Center for Family involvement because we tried to ensure that when a family calls us and asks to be matched with another parent that we have taken into account a lot of different things, we want that match to be, you know, for there to be some perceived sameness among those two parents.   01:14:53:03 - 01:15:15:06 Nickie Brandenburger And sometimes that perceived sameness is the diagnosis that the child, if you've got a child with a really unique, rare genetic disorder and you find another parent that has that exact same rare genetic disorder, that's the perceived sameness and the connection, sometimes it's cultural background. You know, your children may have a very different diagnosis, but if you both are from South America, that's that connection.   01:15:15:06 - 01:15:34:02 Nickie Brandenburger You know, you speak the same language. And I think that that is one of the driving forces behind the work that we do. And I think because we also at the Virginia Center for Family Involvement have connections with partners outside of Virginia. And so we also have a unique opportunity to be able to match and support parents outside of the state.   01:15:34:04 - 01:15:55:02 Nickie Brandenburger You know, we have these other network sister organizations that also do parent to parent, family to family support throughout the United States. And we can reach out to each other and say, hey, I've got this family. This is what they're dealing with. This is the dynamic. And you can send that out to all of the other state organizations and match.   01:15:55:02 - 01:16:17:14 Nickie Brandenburger And I've supported parents in Texas and South Carolina. We've supported parents in Alaska. That model of support, which really kind of started a long time ago, the parent to parent model started, I think, in the seventies with parents sitting around a kitchen table saying, hey, you know, we we have lived experience that should count for something, lived experience should equate to some sort of professional experience.   01:16:17:14 - 01:16:46:05 Nickie Brandenburger And I think that that is also at the the basis of what we do at the Center for Family involvement, because, yes, we're parents, but we've been accessing those services and resources for our family members. So we have knowledge which equates to professional experience. And so it's all about where in those two hats. And I think another thing that we do is we're able to coach parents that haven't had an opportunity to learn how to be a collaborative advocate.   01:16:46:08 - 01:17:03:01 Nickie Brandenburger It's it doesn't come naturally to parents. This child is born to you. You're you love them. You want what's best for them. But there's a period of grief. I think, that every parent goes through like I did with my own son, a period of denial and grief of what is in front of you with raising this child with a disability.   01:17:03:01 - 01:17:31:11 Nickie Brandenburger And that takes a while sometimes for parents to get through that. And they may not have the resources around them to help them cope with that. I have lots of resources around me and I still struggle, right? And so I love the opportunity to be able to work with a parent that needs that kind of coaching and mentor and they need someone to one, validate what they've experienced and not shame them or immediately start pointing them in the direction, say, call this person, do this.   01:17:31:11 - 01:17:52:15 Nickie Brandenburger And you know, some families aren't able to take in information from you about resources they can tap into because they're still processing their emotions. So you got to sometimes have to step back and slow down. And the first line of support is just shut up and listen. Just listen to their story. You can take notes, but hear them out first.   01:17:52:15 - 01:18:12:24 Nickie Brandenburger Don't immediately start diving in to provide support and resources. I think there's a lot of organizations out there that do that. That's what I did as a support coordinator. My job was to immediately lengthen to services, right? But I didn't have that emotional connection with them before I became a parent. I might have been a really good support coordinator and I could say, have you tried this resource?   01:18:12:24 - 01:18:37:21 Nickie Brandenburger And, you know, I'd been in the field long enough. I knew a lot, but I certainly didn't know what it was like to be a parent. But I think that's definitely something at the Center for Family Involvement that makes us really unique from some of the other parent organizations that we really do try to focus on that emotional support using active listening skills and motivational interviewing techniques to try to get at what's behind the emotion.   01:18:38:01 - 01:19:02:15 Nickie Brandenburger Something like anger. When you're working with a parent that's angry or frustrated, there's something behind that, that emotion of anger and frustration. Usually it's fear or sadness. And so when you can get to that, sometimes it can break down those walls so that that parent can process those emotions, acknowledge it, realize it's validated emotion, and then move on to a place where they're willing to accept help and resources.   01:19:02:17 - 01:19:09:06 Nickie Brandenburger That doesn't come to everybody naturally. Sometimes they need to be taught that or somebody needs to mentor them.   01:19:09:08 - 01:19:32:13 Jen Reese I think something that is also important before we have to wrap is we talk about family to family support and we match families with people with similar needs. But it's not just it's so much more than what you think of just sitting and chatting in a coffee shop because the people with Center for Family Involvement, the staff and the volunteers, they have training.   01:19:32:16 - 01:20:06:05 Jen Reese This is family engagement, but this is intentional and informed engagement. And so it's a little bit different than just joining a group on Facebook and chatting there. So often I see a group of well-meaning people get together and it is just a lot of letting things out. But there's no movement forward, there's no solutions based ideas, and I feel like the work that we do, you can let it all out, but then you can also offer solutions and ways to deal with what you're going through.   01:20:06:07 - 01:20:09:01 Erin Croyle You're doing the training. Nickie  What do you see?   01:20:09:03 - 01:20:27:06 Nickie Brandenburger It is so important when you're providing support to a parent and they're asking for resources. It needs to be unbiased information. I do think that there are some organizations and support networks out there that are great about when a parent wants to have a place to vent their frustration. You know, that may be the intent of a certain group, and that's okay.   01:20:27:11 - 01:20:44:18 Nickie Brandenburger But, you know, to move past that to make progress, you need to kind of know what resources are available. And I can get a little frustrated sometimes with some of the like, for example, social media groups where, you know, you can go out there and put a comment or ask a question about your child and you're going to get an opinion whether you like it or not.   01:20:44:18 - 01:21:07:22
Why We Must Stop Labeling People High-Functioning/Low-Functioning
Nov 22 2023
Why We Must Stop Labeling People High-Functioning/Low-Functioning
It's natural for parents to want their children to reach their full potential. But who decides what that is? And at what cost? In part two of my interview with Heather Trammell, we explore how dangerous societal expectations can be; and how inaccurate and harmful it is to label people as high-functioning and low-functioning. (You can listen to Part 1 here!)   The Odyssey: Parenting. Caregiving. Disability.  The Center for Family Involvement at VCU School of Education's Partnership for People with Disabilities provides informational and emotional support to people with disabilities and their families. All of our services are free. We just want to help. We know how hard this can be because we're in it with you.    SHOW NOTES: Heather Trammell is the Director of Family Support at the Down Syndrome Association of Northern Virginia. She took on that role after her first child was born with Down syndrome more than 20 years ago.  Freebird - the award winning short film Heather mentioning in the episode. It is a MUST watch. More about IDEA - the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act. More about the ADA - the Americans with Disabilities Act.     TRANSCRIPT 01:00:07:18 - 01:00:36:21 Erin Croyle Welcome to The Odyssey. Parenting, Caregiving, Disability. I'm Erin Croyle, the creator and host. The Odyssey podcast explores the turn our lives take when a loved one has a disability. I was lucky enough to head down this less traveled road when my first child was born with Down Syndrome in 2010. Now I work with the Center for Family Involvement at VCU’s Partnership for People with Disabilities.   01:00:37:11 - 01:01:01:24 Erin Croyle This podcast explores the triumphs and the hardships we face. We celebrate the joys that the odyssey of parenting, caregiving and disability bring. But we tackle the tough stuff too, which is why I've invited Heather Trammell to join us. Heather knows hard. She too has a child with Down syndrome. And how the medical team broke that news to her is both shocking and heartbreaking.   01:01:02:14 - 01:01:30:20 Erin Croyle After the dust settled, Heather became the director of Family Support at the Down Syndrome Association of Northern Virginia. She's one of the first people that parents talk to after they learned their child has Down syndrome. She sees firsthand how drastic different families handle diagnoses. Heather's also a powerful advocate for acceptance of all abilities so often the disability community showcases exceptional individuals.   01:01:31:05 - 01:02:01:21 Erin Croyle These people certainly should be celebrated. In doing so, though, are we perpetuating the offensive and inaccurate idea that some people are high functioning and others low functioning? We're going to get into all of this and so much more. So let's get started. Heather, I am so excited you're here. I should add that this is part two of my conversation with Heather, a link to part one, What to Expect when the unexpected Happens is in the show notes.   01:02:02:08 - 01:02:15:19 Erin Croyle Heather, this is something you've opened my eyes to and alluded to in part one. You're very outspoken about the harm that propping up and celebrating the best of the best of people with disabilities can do. Can you tell us more about that?   01:02:16:00 - 01:02:43:20 Heather Trammell Yeah, I'm definitely seeing it. And I've seen it change a little bit over the years, too. So I think in the early years when success stories were shared through via newspaper Internet websites, whatever, it did some good and it still does some good to see representation in media, positive representation in media of people with disabilities. It really does.   01:02:44:04 - 01:03:20:19 Heather Trammell I'm not saying it does nothing, but it's not a very complete picture either. I think sometimes, especially back in the day, we would see those stories and it would not naturally occurring to us to question whether that was the experience of every person with Down syndrome. We automatically assume that it could or should be. Every experience a person with Down syndrome, they all should get to be homecoming kings.   01:03:21:03 - 01:03:47:19 Heather Trammell They all should do this or do that, graduate from high school, etc. They all should do this. I don't think we question it as much. But then I think now we question those more. I think we we ask ourselves, is inspiration pouring okay, now and back then we can ask ourselves whether it was okay, we just did it.   01:03:48:05 - 01:04:16:14 Heather Trammell Now, mind you, my child was born. There was the early 2000s. We were coming out of the 1990s 1980s where positive thinking, let alone positive representation of people with Down syndrome and disabilities wasn't out there hardly at all. Remember, idea was a long till 1970, I think five, right? At the ADA, it was never. Was it always on the books?   01:04:16:19 - 01:04:41:18 Heather Trammell I mean, positive thinking about people with guns and girls wasn't a norm. And so I think people were glad to put that kind of stuff out there. But I think we can't get over or rely on it. And we we forgot that human nature doesn't naturally get curious about stuff. Human nature would normally bend towards us not being curious.   01:04:42:00 - 01:05:07:07 Heather Trammell We wouldn't ask ourselves because every person with Down syndrome experienced this. Maybe, maybe not. What did those parents do that made their child so amazing? I don't think we were as curious back then. I don't think human nature is yet still as curious as we could be. Maybe it served a purpose for our time. I don't know that it serves every purpose.   01:05:09:09 - 01:05:36:00 Erin Croyle Yeah. I mean, I feel one could argue that it's dangerous, that it implies that someone who isn't as advanced, if you will, isn't as worthy you alluded to in the first episode. And these terms are outdated now and we shouldn't use them. But in this context, we're going to use them high functioning and low functioning. Can you go into that a little bit more?   01:05:36:12 - 01:06:01:21 Heather Trammell I wish they were more outdated than they are those terms, but yet I hear them quite often. I hear it in both the communities that I set my fucking through, both autism and in Down Syndrome. I think one of the things that makes those really harmful is I think when we categorize people with that like that, first of all, we detract from their humanity.   01:06:02:07 - 01:06:26:00 Heather Trammell That you can have a good day and a bad day. I have good days and bad days. I do taekwondo and CrossFit, and I'll tell you, some days I'm on the white board. I'm doing great. Some days I land the head shut and some days I don't. You know, am I a high functioning person or a low functioning person?   01:06:26:17 - 01:06:50:10 Heather Trammell Well, some days I'm great. Some days are not. So I think it does a disservice that way because we're not letting people be human. We're not letting people have good days and bad days. We're categorizing them by how much we get from them if they meet our needs, if they line up on our dotted line and make it easier for us.   01:06:50:16 - 01:07:18:07 Heather Trammell They must be high functioning. Mhm. And, and if they're not then they're low. So my daughter with Down syndrome can do X and Y and Z. And her friend with Down syndrome cannot. We don't ask ourselves who's more worthy of a human being. We're asking ourselves, who is making my life easier? How does it affect me? It can be kind of self-centered.   01:07:18:19 - 01:07:46:11 Heather Trammell It also doesn't actually tell us everything we really need to know. Really. So if I drop my child off at camp and they're asking me, is she high functioning or low functioning? Answering that question will not give them the information that they need. What they really need to know is she does need help in the bathroom. But if you guys go on a two mile hike, she'll be fine.   01:07:47:10 - 01:08:06:10 Heather Trammell She does not speak very well or very clearly, but believe me, she has everything you say. She'll she'll let you know when things are not going right. So it doesn't really tell us what we need to know. It also doesn't. I mean, you tell me if you agree or not, does it? It kind of put people in a box.   01:08:06:11 - 01:08:34:13 Heather Trammell Oh, yeah. Like they never change. Yeah. Like this is this. You are high functioning. Therefore you will always be high functioning. You will be high functioning. Every situation. You'll be as high functioning at ten as you are at 21. It's not giving people room for growth. Right. I know that my daughter with Down syndrome is much more communicative in certain situations than she is in other situations.   01:08:35:04 - 01:08:59:07 Heather Trammell Does that mean she's high functioning or low function? What area are we talking about? High functioning, low voice. And you can just tell me what area we're talking about. My daughter with Down Syndrome can read, but she does not do math. High functioning or low functioning is kind of a broad term that doesn't really tell us what we need to know.   01:09:00:10 - 01:09:33:18 Heather Trammell And it divides parents in every possible crushing way. I just could not go into how disappointing it is to me to hear parents talk to each other about high functioning and low functioning, or to have to insinuate that Parent A has better because their child is quote unquote high functioning and then Parent B has a much harder time because their child is low functioning.   01:09:34:19 - 01:09:58:02 Heather Trammell We're not saying that quote unquote, high functioning kids don't have needs. If we go ahead and categorize somebody as high functioning, we could go down the path of thinking they need no help at all. Well, sometimes they actually do. Or I think, conversely, that if we categorize someone as low functioning, they have nothing to say, but they don't have nothing to say.   01:09:58:02 - 01:10:27:20 Heather Trammell They have everything you say, they have lots to contribute. But we're not going to hear that because we put them in the school box. That's called both function as very, very arduous. I just hearing parents insinuate or actually say, if you would only X, Y, z, then your child would be doing better as if we were parenting little vending machines.   01:10:28:14 - 01:11:03:01 Heather Trammell Quarter in, candy out right. If I, X, y, z, then ABC will happen. But there's no guarantee of that at all. I know a parent in my local area whose has all the money all the time, all the resources, all the therapy, a huge house time, enough to invest in anything. And yet her child struggles a lot, has needs a lot of support.   01:11:04:18 - 01:11:36:09 Heather Trammell We are not parenting vending machines and we're also not trying to be you know, my child is a project parent either. So I think sometimes when we divide between high functioning, low functioning, the next question is, well, what did you do? What did you do to make their skills so great? What did you do that they were so high functioning and that we insinuate that, of course, it's all on us is we're the ones that that made that happen.   01:11:37:12 - 01:11:57:21 Heather Trammell But even the parents I know whose children are doing very well, they don't always appreciate being quizzed like that. They don't appreciate that question at all. You might think they'd be flattered by it because their children are doing so well, but they're actually not flattered by the question at all. They're like, I just let them be themselves. I'm just working with raw material here.   01:11:58:09 - 01:12:36:00 Heather Trammell They didn't do something. It was like the magic therapy, the magic supplement, the perfect educational situation, and that's how they did it. Boom, poof. There I got like, I hope I'm shrinking now. Not necessarily. Some parents are doing everything they possibly can and their children skills struggle. And I think when we divide in high functioning emotion categories, we are putting a lot of pressure on our kids to not be themselves, not letting our children be themselves.   01:12:36:08 - 01:12:47:21 Heather Trammell And we're putting pressure on ourselves to be the deciding factor of how well our children are doing as that depending solely on us. And I'm not I don't believe it does.   01:12:49:22 - 01:13:09:04 Erin Croyle I think more parents need to hear that. I shout it from the rooftops because it really is something that exists. And I have had parents of older children with Down syndrome make very sweet suggestions, mind you, but.   01:13:09:10 - 01:13:10:23 Heather Trammell Comes from a good place. I'm sure.   01:13:11:05 - 01:13:41:21 Erin Croyle It does. Yeah, it was. You know, here here's like this accomplished adult and I hear from the parent, Oh, well, I read this with him and I did this with them and I did this. And here I am. I've invested all this time and money in the learning program. I can't even get my son to engage. I can't I take the materials out and he won't sit with the same, same and but when you attend the courses, they're like, Oh, well, then you're doing it wrong.   01:13:42:00 - 01:13:43:03 Heather Trammell Yeah, maybe it.   01:13:43:03 - 01:13:58:02 Erin Croyle It is so frustrating because especially as mothers, I think we put it on ourselves as if it's our failure and then it does our child a disservice because we're we're like trying to push them to do something that they just aren't there for.   01:13:58:07 - 01:14:29:24 Heather Trammell And begging ourselves up on the way. As parents, you know, think about our friends whose children have Down syndrome and autism together. That cajoling nurses, this very challenging situation. They are doing everything they possibly can to help their children. They love their children. They would want their children to be as successful as they possibly can, but their children might have challenges that other kids don't who don't have a diagnosis like that.   01:14:31:08 - 01:14:58:08 Heather Trammell Let's not beat the parents up. Let's not encourage other parents picking them up and let's not encourage them to beat themselves up either. They are doing the best they can. Sometimes in my parents support experience, I will be perfectly honest with you. And there are some parents I find very frustrating to talk to. Go figure. Sometimes I do everything I can to make the best suggestions possible and I don't see them pick up on it.   01:14:58:19 - 01:15:23:13 Heather Trammell They don't move forward with any of the suggestions that I took a lot of time to pull together for them. And I do find that very, very frustrating. But they really still are doing the very best that they can. I think of some families where they don't have a lot of margin. You've heard you've heard the phrase about margins.   01:15:23:13 - 01:15:47:22 Heather Trammell Maybe you've read the book. I have a certain amount of margin in my life. We are a stable family with stable finances. I am not in danger of the lights being cut off. I'm not in danger of food not being on the table. I have margins that way. There are some families that don't have those margins. They have their finances are extreme and we take they are food scarce at the end of the month.   01:15:48:04 - 01:16:07:11 Heather Trammell Maybe their children experience more difficulties than my children do. Their margins are a little bit smaller. And so even when I have frustrating conversations with parents or frustrating situations and I'm like, I don't know what else I can do to help this parent, I have to realize that they are doing the best that they can with the margins that they have.   01:16:08:01 - 01:16:22:11 Heather Trammell And sometimes when children struggle more, when they have more high support needs, our margins might be a little bit smaller. And I think we need to recognize that and still celebrate that person and support that parent.   01:16:23:24 - 01:16:26:22 Erin Croyle Yeah, and support that parent maybe even more so.   01:16:26:22 - 01:16:27:12 Heather Trammell Yeah, even.   01:16:27:12 - 01:16:33:00 Erin Croyle More. And it's that analogy is interesting because I think about how our margins shift over time. You know.   01:16:33:03 - 01:16:33:17 Heather Trammell They do.   01:16:33:17 - 01:16:35:15 Erin Croyle You have aging parents, and you have to help them.   01:16:35:16 - 01:16:36:18 Heather Trammell True.   01:16:36:20 - 01:16:39:18 Erin Croyle Right. Or loses a job or.   01:16:39:24 - 01:17:01:17 Heather Trammell Yeah my margins were a lot smaller last school year than they are going to be this school year. My children had educational needs last year. That just took a lot of time for me, lost a lot of sleep over it. What about peace? Enjoyed stress free living. So last year was not my best year and I had to drop out of my gym classes.   01:17:01:22 - 01:17:32:09 Heather Trammell I love my gym classes very much, but because my family needed me, I had to cut loose some stuff. So my margins were a little bit smaller last year. I'm looking forward to them being a little bit bigger this year. That'll be great. But when my family needs change, I change with them. If I did have a health care condition last year or any time, if the main breadwinning parent dies or something, your margins change and they would naturally change.   01:17:32:09 - 01:17:56:05 Heather Trammell If your child's struggles were different one year than they were to another year too. So again, that's what, you know, the whole high functioning, low functioning discussion is so boxy that it doesn't allow for any changes. We've just categorized them. Poof, you are high functioning, you know, And then they they never can change. They can never, never get out of the box.   01:17:56:22 - 01:17:57:20 Heather Trammell I find that difficult.   01:17:58:11 - 01:18:15:12 Erin Croyle Yeah. And I think it's rooted in able ism. I think about right through. Yeah. When my son was young and I was seeing the geneticist and specialist and driving him in there. Yeah, I remember before knowing how terrible the term is, asking what you think he'll be high functioning and like.   01:18:15:12 - 01:18:15:22 Heather Trammell Really.   01:18:16:07 - 01:18:23:06 Erin Croyle Clinging on to that. And then in the Down syndrome community, we have these amazing figures like David Egan in.   01:18:23:06 - 01:18:23:19 Heather Trammell Yeah, true.   01:18:23:22 - 01:18:27:05 Erin Croyle Frank Stevens and all these other amazing people.   01:18:27:14 - 01:18:28:00 Heather Trammell They are.   01:18:28:01 - 01:18:40:03 Erin Croyle And that is a true inspiration. You know, I had my son and I got to meet these people and, you know, David's of friends and yeah, but in my mind I was like, Well, that could be my son.   01:18:40:17 - 01:18:41:01 Heather Trammell Right?   01:18:41:06 - 01:19:06:15 Erin Croyle But those are my dreams. And it's become clear that one, those are my dreams, right, too. Not every kid can get a standard diploma if they have Down syndrome. And fighting for that, it puts pressure on you as a parent, but also pressure on your child that maybe we need to rethink our dreams as a parent and look at who are kid is, right.   01:19:07:10 - 01:19:37:05 Heather Trammell Oh, you think? Yeah, maybe we do, you know, And I think that I think that's part of a real challenge when you're when your child is very young enough, is to be chasing those things down, chasing down your dreams rather than their dreams. And to have have a vision in your mind about what you want. And you will not settle for anything less than that.   01:19:37:23 - 01:19:56:06 Heather Trammell Nothing will change that. I'm not saying that some of us don't have deeply held values and convictions, that we like it that way, and we are going to keep it. You know, people who have faith convictions, they are not going to think they love God the way they love God and they plan on changing that. And and I'm one of them.   01:19:56:23 - 01:20:29:08 Heather Trammell But I think people change. And so I want to appreciate the fact that my daughter daughter's plural, will change throughout their lives. And they're not a little box. And I could have had a dream that my older daughter would get a scan their diploma, but she did not get a scan or diploma. Well, what happens to me then, if your child doesn't reach X, Y, Z level of high functioning, what will happen to you?   01:20:30:04 - 01:20:58:08 Heather Trammell Will you fall apart? Will you blow up into a thousand pieces? What will happen to you? I appreciate parents going for the gusto, especially when their children are young. You don't know what your child is going to accomplish. Go for it. Live it up and go for it. And if it changes, change with it. Ask yourself what's going to happen if you don't get X, Y, z?   01:20:58:21 - 01:21:10:12 Erin Croyle What kind of person will you be? It's a good question to ask as we pursue the high functioning path. If that's the path that matters, keep my dog. I love my dog.   01:21:11:04 - 01:21:31:22 Erin Croyle I love my dog. I love that you just said that. You've put it in such a perfect way to go for it when they're kids. But I also want to touch on the predatory businesses I think about. I don't know if this speech pathologist is still marketing certain tools, but I think.   01:21:31:22 - 01:21:32:11 Heather Trammell About.   01:21:33:12 - 01:21:43:11 Erin Croyle This program where there were tools to use, and this would help with the low muscle tone, and your child will speak clearly and come to our seminar and buy the tools. It's $900 a person.   01:21:43:17 - 01:21:47:21 Heather Trammell Exactly. And then the tools are $500, right?   01:21:47:21 - 01:21:56:13 Erin Croyle Yes. And then you go and you spend this money and then your kid's still not doing it and you blame yourself. And there you are as a family, stressing out.   01:21:56:16 - 01:21:57:06 Heather Trammell Right.   01:21:57:12 - 01:21:59:02 Heather Trammell And you have money left for vacation.   01:21:59:02 - 01:22:29:22 Heather Trammell Right, right, right. I share your concern here. And predatory is not and is not a bad word. Use that. That's pretty well said. Predatory. If it is so good, if it's just the bomb dot com therapy and really every child should do this, then what about my parents who have financial needs? What about low income families? Families who don't speak English as a first language?   01:22:30:12 - 01:23:00:12 Heather Trammell Can this program be implemented? If I have two children or 12, can I implement this program as a single parent? Can I implement this program with a not so cooperating co-parent? Will this program be effective if school doesn't do it? If I'm the only one doing it predatory? If you don't buy my product, do my thing. Your child is not going to do well.   01:23:01:18 - 01:23:27:09 Heather Trammell Oh, I can't tell you how disappointing I hear that that is just really, really crushing. And you make such a good point. It's like, well, now you have no money left over for vacation. Now you are sick. It’s mortgaging your house on the thought that your child might respond well to this thing, whatever it is maybe your child does.   01:23:27:19 - 01:23:38:24 Heather Trammell But then again, maybe they go right. What happens if they don't? Now you second mortgaged your house. You have quit the job you love. Well, blood work that matters to you so much.   01:23:39:18 - 01:23:57:15 Erin Croyle Yeah, it's really harmful. And you see it a lot. And I think it's a societal thing where we see disability and we either want to overcome it. Yeah, we want to fix it, but we have yet to just accept it and let people be who they are.   01:23:58:02 - 01:24:08:11 Heather Trammell Correct. Correct. I'm sure you saw this YouTube video years ago. The name of it is called Freberg. Ring a Bell for You?   01:24:08:11 - 01:24:09:13 Heather Trammell Sounds familiar.   01:24:09:13 - 01:24:35:07 Heather Trammell Okay. If you if you see it, it's an animated saying follows the life of a baby with Down syndrome all the way until they're an adult. At the very end of the video, they have these little snippets of people with Down syndrome. Again, it's animated, but they are real people. They have a caring Gaffney in there and they have the phrase says free to be got got it.   01:24:36:03 - 01:25:06:20 Heather Trammell And then underneath they'll say, Mary, for 25 years, free to be a guy, which is caring. Gaffney has a free to be and the guy and there's there's a couple of different scenarios The very last person that they showcase in that little video is it says Free to be. And then parentheses never learn to speak lived in his his small community all his life.   01:25:08:05 - 01:25:37:05 Heather Trammell So basically he can grow up to be like, amazing. Like whatever we think the high functioning amazing is. And then the video takes that phrase where it says free could be dot, dot, dot, and it takes out the dots until there's one period. Free to be, just free to be. Hmm. Wouldn't that solve the high functioning, malfunctioning question if we were all just free to be, period?   01:25:37:14 - 01:26:05:17 Heather Trammell Not free to be and then fill in the blank? Yeah, You. I mean, Americans are like this. We think anything can happen, right? Western thinking is just like this. But I think just to be just be without being amazing, without being what the world thinks is amazing. What America thinks is amazing, what Indonesia thinks is amazing. Just be I love that video.   01:26:05:17 - 01:26:10:03 Heather Trammell I highly recommend it to Everybody is called Free Bird.   01:26:10:05 - 01:26:37:05 Erin Croyle I'll make sure I put the link in the description. And I love that idea too, because I think about different people, whether disabled or not. And high functioning, low functioning. Let's think about just who you are as a person. We're all good at some things and not so good at others. And for and so some people are exceptional and there we see them in politics or on a national global scale.   01:26:37:17 - 01:26:47:08 Erin Croyle And then some people are just really, really good at being a good community member or really good at playing pickleball or, you know, whatever.   01:26:48:09 - 01:27:16:02 Heather Trammell What if Beth Trammell, if nobody ever knows Beth Trammell beyond Central Springfield, Virginia. Mm hmm. That's it. Let's say she always lives in central Springfield. She never writes a book. She does not go to university. She doesn't get married. She's not on anybody's blog or podcast. What if what if she just lives a quiet life in her community?   01:27:17:07 - 01:27:37:11 Heather Trammell Is that a bad thing? Well, if I ask you American, that I mean, we all want to be like so accomplished. Accomplishments are very big in America. That's why we want our kids to go to top colleges and stuff like that. That's why we push them so hard in high school so that they'll have great college entrance recipes and stuff like that.   01:27:38:13 - 01:27:43:24 Heather Trammell We do it to our typical kids as much as we do to our kids with disability. The outcome is not better.   01:27:45:09 - 01:28:05:14 Erin Croyle No, and I think about programs like Think College, where you can send a child with an intellectual developmental disability to school, to live on campus, to do the things. Yep, it's incredibly expensive. And when they get out, there's no guarantee for a job or rec.   01:28:06:12 - 01:28:39:17 Heather Trammell Correct? That is true. If even if we spend all the money on the therapy and the therapy tools and we a we die on the hill of inclusion all the way through their high school graduation, they're still
Everything You Need to Know About IFSP and Applying for Funds
Oct 24 2023
Everything You Need to Know About IFSP and Applying for Funds
When you have a child with a disability, you become more than just a parent. You become a caregiver. And many of us “parent-caregiver hybrids” have a lot to learn about supporting a child with a lifelong disability.    Medicaid waivers can be one of the hardest things to understand. Under broad federal guidelines, states can develop home and community based (HCBS) waivers to support people who want to live at home or in their community; “waiving” the option of living in an institution. These HCBS waivers are offered by nearly all states and Washington DC. The shift to community based living and person-centered care is an ongoing process. As is phasing out state-run institutions that are still operating in more than 30 states.     Waiver programs vary greatly when you cross state lines. You can find more information about each state on the federal medicaid website.    While Virginia offers multiple Medicaid waiver programs, the two most commonly used by people with intellectual and developmental disabilities are the Developmental Disability Waiver or the “DD Waiver” and the Commonwealth Coordinated Care Plus Waiver or the “CCC Plus Waiver.”    Like institutions, waivers deserve a podcast of their own. The Virginia waiver system is complicated and subject to change. The My Life, My Community website has more information and helpful links. The Arc of Virginia has an in-depth and easy to understand breakdown of Virginia Medicaid waiver programs that is updated regularly. And the Center for Family Involvement has 1:1 informational and emotional support with staff that focuses on the nuances of Virginia waivers and can walk folks through what can feel like an endless maze. If you’re not in Virginia, Parent to Parent USA can connect you with supports in your own state to help you understand the systems there.    Bottom line: waivers are a crucial component in accessing the supports needed to live independently. It’s critical for parents to understand them; and if a waiver is needed, prioritize applying for one. That’s because the waitlist is long. More than 14 thousand Virginians with disabilities are on it. Many of them have been on it for years. Which brings us to the heart of this episode: help and hope for people who are on that waitlist, and for their families.    The Individual and Family Support Program or IFSP provides funds for those on the Virginia waiver wait list. But you have to apply. That’s why we brought on IFSP Support Coordination Supervisor Rhonda Gaines and Program Manager Heather Hines to explain more.    SHOW NOTES:   IFSP Call Center Monday-Friday 9:00am - 4:00pm: (844) 603-9248 My Life, My Community   IFSP Resources   For more IFSP Council Information email and to apply: ifspcommunity@dbhds.virginia.gov   Facebook Pages for IFSP Councils: https://mylifemycommunityvirginia.org/taxonomy/mlmc-menu-zone/connect-ifsps-regional-councils             TRANSCRIPT: 01:00:07:17 - 01:00:34:18 Erin Croyle Welcome to The Odyssey. Parenting, Caregiving, Disability. I'm Erin Croyle, the creator and host. The Odyssey podcast explores the turn our lives take when a loved one has a disability. My first child was born with Down's syndrome in 2010. Not only did I have to learn how to be a mom, I had to educate myself about how to support a child with a lifelong disability.   01:00:34:20 - 01:01:04:16 Erin Croyle Medicaid waivers were and still are, one of the hardest things to understand. Under broad federal guidelines, states can develop home and community based waivers to support people who want to live at home or in their community, waiving the option of living in an institution. State run institutions are still operating in more than 30 states. These HCBS waivers are offered in nearly all states and Washington, DC.   01:01:04:18 - 01:01:29:14 Erin Croyle The shift to community based living and person centered care is an ongoing process, and waiver programs can vary greatly when you cross state lines. I'll provide more information on waivers in the show notes. While Virginia offers multiple Medicaid waiver programs, the two most commonly used by people with intellectual and developmental disabilities are the developmental disability waiver or the DDD waiver and the Commonwealth Coordinated Care plus waiver or the CCC plus waiver. The Virginia waiver system is complicated and subject to change. I'll put more information about Virginia waivers in the show notes as well. What is important to know is that for many people with disabilities, waivers can be crucial for accessing the supports they need to live independently.   01:01:54:09 - 01:02:19:13 Erin Croyle It's critical for parents to understand them, and if a waiver is needed, prioritize applying for one. That's because the wait list is long. More than 14,000 Virginians with disabilities are on it. Many of them have been on it for years. Which brings us to the heart of this episode. Help and hope for people who are on that wait list and for their families.   01:02:19:15 - 01:02:39:14 Erin Croyle It's called IFSP, which is short for individual and family support program. And joining me today to break it all down are IFSP Support coordination supervisor Rhonda Gaines and program manager Heather Hines.   01:02:39:16 - 01:02:50:08 Erin Croyle Hello and welcome. Although our focus today is on funding and counsels. Heather, can you take a moment to tell us a little bit about all four service components of IFSP?   01:02:50:10 - 01:03:24:16 Heather Hines Yes. Thanks, Erin. It's great to be here. We really appreciate you giving this program some attention. We are part of the individual and family support program, as you said, IFSP, and that is part of the developmental services Division within the Department of Behavioral Health and Developmental Services. So IFSP will try to stay away from the acronyms. But yes, we'll be talking a lot about the funding program today and our state and regional councils.   01:03:24:18 - 01:03:56:02 Heather Hines But we do have multiple components of our program. I want to tell you a little bit about this. Our primary goal is to provide supports and resources to individuals regardless of their age and their families who are waiting for a waiver slot. You did a nice job of describing what that is a little earlier. We recognize, first of all, that if you were on an 80 waivers waitlist just by the fact that you're on that waitlist, you have significant needs.   01:03:56:04 - 01:04:24:20 Heather Hines So the level of urgency may vary from person to person and family to family, but we know that there is not a single person on that waitlist sitting around filling their fingers and saying, oh, life is easy. We also understand that navigating the system, the DD system, and knowing where to go for resources can be overwhelming. We also know that many families feel isolated and might not know anyone else going through what they're going through.   01:04:25:01 - 01:04:45:13 Heather Hines Feeling alone, not knowing where to go, not knowing what to do next is a lot. And so it's exciting to be part of a team that can hopefully, as you said, bring some help, bring some help to those families and to the individuals while they wait for that funding. A little bit more about the different parts of our program.   01:04:45:15 - 01:05:11:15 Heather Hines So, as you know, Erin, we have a partnership with your team, the Center for Family Involvement, and we fund some of the work that you all do to support families. And we truly believe that family mentoring is extremely valuable and that families deserve to be able to talk to someone who has been where they are and can provide that emotional support while also helping them figure out what to do, where to go next.   01:05:11:17 - 01:05:50:17 Heather Hines And that is wherever they are on their journey. Our partnership with VCU is very important. It also includes LEAP training, which stands for Leadership for Empowerment and Abuse Prevention training. We're excited to partner with you on that. Another partnership we have is with The Arc of Virginia, and that is to provide peer mentoring opportunities. Peer mentors are people with developmental disabilities who are hired, trained and paid to provide guidance and support and resources to other people with developmental disabilities to help those people achieve the life that they want.   01:05:50:19 - 01:06:11:17 Heather Hines Peer mentors are dedicated to helping others reach new levels of independence and inclusion in their communities. Then we have our community coordination program that supports community action and engages individuals and families through our regional and state councils. And you will hear when Rhonda gets to talk a little bit more, she'll tell you a little bit more about those.   01:06:11:18 - 01:06:40:05 Heather Hines We also have a partnership with Senior Navigator, which provides education information and general referrals through the My Life My Community website. I'm sure you're going to have links to that website in your show notes. Some families may have used this website for reference to my life, my community website, the IFSP resource for Family page, A specifically for families, individuals who are looking for resources, waiver, non waiver, anything goes here.   01:06:40:05 - 01:07:04:07 Heather Hines But we just want to make sure people have information that is important to them in one place and folks need help navigating the system or finding services support. There's actually a call center that we have with my life, my community. There's a toll free number that maybe we can add in your notes as well. Anyone can call and speak to a live person between nine and four on Monday through Friday.   01:07:04:09 - 01:07:31:05 Heather Hines So that's a great partnership as well. We encourage families to check out that website and we hope it's helpful for folks. And then we have a communication component. We have a monthly digest that we put out to individuals and families targeting, again, primarily people that are on the DD waiver waitlist. But it's really for anyone that's interested and trainings, events, resources, usually low cost or free.   01:07:31:05 - 01:07:43:03 Heather Hines That's one of our roles. And we have annual messaging that goes out to everyone on the waitlist, social media presence and a lot more. So there's more to IFSP than funding.   01:07:43:05 - 01:08:08:22 Erin Croyle There is a lot more. And those partnerships you mentioned, I know all of us at the Center for Family Involvement and the Partnership for People with Disabilities, which CFI falls under. We care deeply about helping individuals and families and many of us are those families. We have lived experience and we know how hard this can be. We want to make it easier and we collaborate with our community partners, such as The Arc of Virginia to do that.   01:08:08:24 - 01:08:17:15 Erin Croyle Of course, we realize how important the funding is to families. So let's turn to that now. Tell us more about the IFSP funding piece.   01:08:17:17 - 01:08:48:03 Heather Hines So the IFSP team administers this funding annually. It is one time for fiscal year, not calendar year. So that's one time between July and June every year. The funding portal opens for application for 30 days, so it opens Monday the 16th and is open for 30 days, closing on November 14th at 5 p.m.. The funds are allocated by the General Assembly and are intended to enhance or improve an applicant's quality of life.   01:08:48:05 - 01:09:16:10 Heather Hines Promote their independence and of course their continued residence in their own home or in their family's home. To be eligible, the applicants must be on the DD waivers waiting list, and they also must be living at home or in their family's home. Those are the two main criteria. Now, who can apply is the individual who's on the waitlist themselves or what's called their custodial family member.   01:09:16:11 - 01:09:38:15 Heather Hines I'm not a fan of that term. That's not the most person-centered term, but that's what's in the regulations. So that's why we use it, because I don't want to confuse anyone. And what that means is it can't just be any family member. So it's a family member who has primary authority to make all major decisions affecting the individual and with whom the individual primarily resides.   01:09:38:17 - 01:09:50:18 Heather Hines That's just to be clear, those are the only two people that can apply is the person or their custodial  family member. I can tell you a lot more about it, but that's the gist of what the program is.   01:09:50:20 - 01:10:13:20 Erin Croyle So I want to talk about the application process for the IFSP and for funding. In the past it was a first come, first serve basis, which, if memory serves, could be a really chaotic 24 hours for applicants and plus the lead up time to that deadline. You know, it was really stressful just getting online and having poor Internet or Internet lag.   01:10:14:00 - 01:10:25:20 Erin Croyle It could be messy, but that's over now, right. And now it's a combination of priority and lottery. I know this can be complicated to explain, but can you give us the basics about these changes?   01:10:25:20 - 01:10:49:10 Heather Hines SURE. So now what we're doing is basing how we distribute the funds on urgency of need or what's called risk of institutionalization. So you mentioned earlier when you were describing what a waiver is. Again, it's waiving someone's rights to an institution. That's where that language comes in, is we want to make sure that it's going to the people with the highest level of need.   01:10:49:12 - 01:11:10:07 Heather Hines And again, yes, we wanted to make sure that everyone had access to it so that it is fairly distributed. And when it was first come, first serve and may have unfairly benefited people who were already more connected to resources and easy access to a computer, for example. And so we wanted to make sure that everyone had the same access.   01:11:10:07 - 01:11:32:00 Heather Hines And so that's why it runs for 30 days. So everybody has time to get the information, to find out about it and to get to a computer and be able to apply and get the support they need to be able to apply amounts that applicants can request now is based on a funding category. The funding categories are based on each individual's priority status on the waitlist.   01:11:32:00 - 01:11:57:23 Heather Hines So go to the CSB, get on the waitlist. When you meet with the case manager or the intake staff, they do some assessments based on a bunch of questions that they ask. They find that you need a certain priority criteria. So there's probably one, two and three are you. One is the highest level of needs. That's the folks that have the most complex needs and what we would consider the most at risk.   01:11:58:00 - 01:12:19:16 Heather Hines Those individuals are the top priority for the funding as well. So they're the top priority in order to get a waiver. So they're top there on the waiting list and they're also top priority for getting the IFSP funding. That is the annual funding. If they apply, 50% of the funding goes to those on priority one. The way we determine who gets it is based on their critical needs summary Score. Again, that's something that's common with your CSB staff case manager and they ask questions on the form and there's a score attached to each person that tells how urgent their needs are within that priority one category. Funding approval is given to individuals and priority one who are most at risk of institutional elevation. As I said, highest level of need indicated by that critical needs summary score.   01:12:49:23 - 01:13:18:07 Heather Hines So funds will be awarded to those with the highest critical need. Summary score. Until there's no funding left for that category. Families don't need to know what their score is before they apply. We have access to all of that information. They do need to be staying in touch with the CSB, with their case manager, if they have one, to make sure that their information is current and accurate in the system, because that's where we get the information when we're making our determinations for funding.   01:13:18:09 - 01:13:43:18 Heather Hines We'll stay in touch with that case manager. So something changes in your life. They know what it is and they can update your priority. So maybe you should be priority one, but you forgot to tell them that a primary caregiver had a new situation. And maybe something really critical has changed for that person. So then for priority two and three, it's done a little differently for people that are on the waitlist and have a priority two or three status.   01:13:43:20 - 01:14:06:02 Heather Hines Funding is given randomly to those applicants. So it's like a lottery system; this many people for priority two and three have applied for funding and then it's basically randomized because not even Rhonda or I that do it, someone gives us numbers and names attached to those and it's totally random. So we give funds to those people until we run out for that.   01:14:06:04 - 01:14:30:11 Heather Hines One thing to note, though, is that if you have a priority two or three status and did receive funding during the last funding cycle, you can still apply this time. But we're awarding funding first to those in priority two or three who did not receive funding during the last cycle. If there is funding left, then those who received funding last cycle will be considered again.   01:14:30:12 - 01:14:50:12 Heather Hines That's to make sure everybody has a chance. Over the three years I didn't get the randomization last time. Maybe I'll be more likely to get it this time. We want as many families as possible to have access to the funding. We want those with the highest level of needs to have access. So this is our way of trying to do all of that with a limited amount of funds.   01:14:50:14 - 01:15:19:18 Erin Croyle That's really helpful. And I just want to also say when you're reaching out to your community services boards, if it's something you haven't done before, just know that they're regional, county, city based and sometimes you really have to go through a phone tree to get to someone who knows about waivers and programs. So be patient. And again, if you need help, you know, see if I can help you navigate getting through to your CSB, because depending on where you live, it can be a complex process until you get to someone who knows what you're talking about.   01:15:19:20 - 01:15:34:20 Erin Croyle I want to know how many families are able to get some financial relief from this program if we're talking 14,000 on a waiting list. How many do you see apply typically? And then how many do actually get funds and how much money are you talking here?   01:15:34:22 - 01:16:12:15 Heather Hines The total amount available, this funding period, as well as back in January, February, each time it's been $2.5 million. So that's the total. During the winter of 2023, applications were submitted for every $3 million. We could only award 2.5 million, but that meant that we were able to approve 3770 applications. So that's 3770 individuals or families that received funds, almost 4000 people, which is great, but obviously not close to 14,000, as you said.   01:16:12:17 - 01:16:39:06 Heather Hines But with limited funds, it's good to see that many people getting something. We expect that number to be about the same this fall since we again have 2.5 million and the amounts for priority have not changed. So we are thinking, let's see, last time the total number of people that applied was 4914, as I said. And then the number that were approved was 3770.   01:16:39:06 - 01:16:59:23 Heather Hines So that 77% of people who applied were able to receive funds. If we get more applications this year, which it's looking like it might, the percentage will be lower. But we would think that the total number would be about the same. Getting close to 4000 individuals or families would get funding.   01:17:00:00 - 01:17:04:06 Erin Croyle How much money do families typically get when they apply?   01:17:04:07 - 01:17:21:22 Heather Hines If they're on priority two and three? They couldn't get more than 500. So you can ask for less than 500, but you can't get more than 500. Then for priority one is 1000. You can't get more than 1000, but you could get less if you ask for less than we had people that have asked for half of that.   01:17:21:22 - 01:17:33:22 Heather Hines But typically most people, when you look at the types of things that you can apply for, usually there are several items that people add together to make up to get up to that 1000 or to that 500.   01:17:33:24 - 01:17:46:15 Erin Croyle Well, let's talk about what they apply for. These funds are meant to help individuals and their families dealing with complex needs and that are at risk for long term care. So what do people tend to use the money for?   01:17:46:17 - 01:18:09:13 Heather Hines Like we were just talking about $500, 1000. It is not life-changing. We recognize that in terms of addressing complex needs, it's not a lot, but it does provide a certain level of financial relief for families to obtain items or services that at least help in the short term or some life stability or to get the basic need met.   01:18:09:14 - 01:18:37:14 Heather Hines The categories that the funding is allowed to cover are improved health outcomes so that something like therapies, medication and co-pays that are not covered by insurance. This funding cannot be used for anything if there is another funding source that covers it. So if you have a CCC plus waiver and it covers the service, you can't then use that IFSP funding for that.   01:18:37:14 - 01:19:04:08 Heather Hines That's one of the rules and regulations. So again, improved health outcomes on that covers therapies, medications and co-pays that aren't covered by insurance, communication devices, even something like dental care. There's a whole list of items and services that are allowable under that category, and that's going to be something you can get really detailed information about in our guidelines, which you're going to link to that in the notes.   01:19:04:10 - 01:19:44:09 Heather Hines They're safe living categories, so that's anything to help the person stay safe in their home, such as furniture, handrails, appliances, ramps, stairlifts. There's again, a long list of items under that. Those are just a few examples. Community integration, that's the third category. So something to help someone be part of their community covers a lot of different things like companion services, transportation services, recreational opportunities, even modifications to a vehicle so that someone can go into their community and participate in the world.   01:19:44:11 - 01:20:18:16 Heather Hines There's a lot of different options under there. Another thing about funding, we have multiple tools to help people with the application process. We want to make sure that when you go on to apply, you have everything you need to make it go smoothly and make it go quickly. On our My Life, My Community Resources Funding Page, we have a two page quick reference guide a video tutorial, a full user guide, a list of frequently asked questions and answers, all to help families to get the help that they need.   01:20:18:16 - 01:20:22:06 Heather Hines And several of those documents are also available in Spanish.   01:20:22:08 - 01:20:46:14 Erin Croyle Before we move forward, I do want to clarify, because I'm not sure if I said or you said; and it's so confusing for everyone. You can have the CCC plus waiver while you're on the DD waiver waitlist. And it's actually a good thing to apply for because that would then give you Medicaid, which can help with the co-pays. And it sounds like most of the funds that people apply for are those things that they would get if they had the DD waiver.   01:20:46:14 - 01:20:58:00 Erin Croyle So environmental modifications, adaptive tools and support with with respite and all sorts of things that are why people are looking for the DD waiver.   01:20:58:02 - 01:21:01:09 Heather Hines Right. Exactly. Really good point.   01:21:01:11 - 01:21:27:21 Erin Croyle The other thing I want to point out is that the job that you do, I may be projecting here, but I feel like you care deeply. Anyone who thinks like this isn't enough money or why can't we serve more people? Nobody here on this podcast can do much about that. But if you connect with The Arc of Virginia, they actually do advocacy work and have a day where they go and see the General Assembly in the early parts of it's usually January, February.   01:21:27:23 - 01:21:49:03 Erin Croyle So that's where you advocate to try to change this. You know, the people here are just doing the work, but if you want to help change things and move them along, I highly recommend connecting with The Arc of Virginia and they always want more voices to speak to our legislators to help them understand how important funding these initiatives are.   01:21:49:05 - 01:22:04:10 Erin Croyle Let's talk about the data breach in 2019 and then again in 2021. There was a data breach on the IFSP portals where parents were applying and individuals were applying. What's being done to ensure that that doesn't happen again?   01:22:04:12 - 01:22:33:07 Heather Hines A data breach did occur. Those two years. Rhonda and I joined the team last summer and we've been part of the course correction and that has been to use a trusted and reliable application portal. Some people may have heard of WAM. It's also called the waiver management System. That is a system that has already been used by the Department of Behavioral Health and Developmental Services.   01:22:33:09 - 01:23:04:18 Heather Hines It's the same place that people on the DDwaivers waitlist go for their annual forms that they need to fill out. If someone is on the DD waivers waiting list, then they may already know about this spot of the waitlist portal or the IFSP portal. The funding portal is what was developed in preparation for the January and February funding programs. A lot of work was done to prevent future issues.   01:23:04:20 - 01:23:34:06 Heather Hines That were experienced in previous years. There was lots of testing and that was internal testing within the department is also testing with the vendor who we worked with on the WAM system. Over 4000 people applied using that system in January, in February, and there was zero breaches of protected information. So we've had a successful year and our team is available throughout the application process, along with the My life, my community call center staff to troubleshoot and resolve errors. Any time people were applying and had questions that way, everyone had a successful opportunity to get the application submitted. Again, with this launch, the cycle has had no breaches and we're hearing from applicants that they can submit their applications in under 5 minutes. We're hearing from our partners at my life, my community.   01:24:00:19 - 01:24:28:17 Heather Hines Yes, people are calling with some questions here or there, but overall, it's going really smoothly for folks. And we're looking, always looking, to learn more about what's working and not working. So each year that we can continue to enhance the process for everyone and make it easier for people to apply because we want everyone to have an opportunity and we don't want glitches or anything like that to get in the way for this important funding, even though, as you said, people would love for it to be more.   01:24:28:17 - 01:24:46:06 Heather Hines And that's not something that we have control over on this podcast, the three of us. But what we do have control over is trying to make it, make it work and make it work for people to be able to apply easily. So we've been working really, really hard on that and we hope that is felt by people when they complete the application we've mentioned.   01:24:46:06 - 01:24:59:04 Erin Croyle We're going to put all sorts of links in the shownotes, including your FAQ page, but while you're here, what's a couple of frequently asked questions that are the most important things folks should know about?   01:24:59:06 - 01:25:31:18 Rhonda Gaines Well, Erin, outcome in and answer to that question, again, thank you for having Heather and I here today to share information. Some of the most frequently answered questions a comprehensive guide can be found at the My Life My Community website, under Resources for Family, under funding. So I'll just mention a few just for quick reference. A lot of people want to know how long it takes before a funding decision is reached after they submit their application.   01:25:31:20 - 01:26:01:21 Rhonda Gaines In general, once funding closes, we reach out and notify applicants of an award decision within 1 to 2 months. That's after screening and making decisions for those who apply. When you receive an approval for funding or you receive a denial of funding, those decisions will come to the email address that is listed on the application. So you will know one way or the other.   01:26:01:23 - 01:26:41:02 Rhonda Gaines Another question is asked, I need the IFSP application translated into another language. Currently, the IFSP funding portal in WAM has a Spanish translation function. You can see our user guide, again, on the My Life My Community IFC Funding page for instructions on how to translate the application. Another question: Who can help me complete my application? So if you need assistance, you can reach out to your Community Services Board, the assigned support coordinator or intake specialist.   01:26:41:04 - 01:27:07:05 Rhonda Gaines
What to Expect When the Unexpected Happens
Sep 26 2023
What to Expect When the Unexpected Happens
The wishes, hopes, and dreams of expectant parents are many.  Their baby having a lifelong disability usually is not one of them.  When that happens, it can be devastating for families.  The staff and volunteers at the  Center for Family Involvement have family members with a disability. Some of us have disabilities. That lived experience makes a huge difference when providing emotional and informational support to people with disabilities and their families. We understand how complicated the mix of grief, joy, disappointment, and gratitude can be. So does Heather Trammell. She's the Director of Family Support at the Down Syndrome Association of Northern Virginia. She took on that role after her first child was born with Down syndrome more than 20 years ago.  She helps parents through the wide range of emotions that flood them after they learn of their child's diagnosis. Heather also sees time and time again, families coming out of the dense fog of grief bursting with pride and happiness.  In this two-part interview, Heather shares how her job has evolved with the rapidly changing media landscape and talks about how toxic the high-functioning/low-functioning mindset can be.    The Odyssey: Parenting. Caregiving. Disability.  The Center for Family Involvement at VCU School of Education's Partnership for People with Disabilities provides informational and emotional support to people with disabilities and their families. All of our services are free. We just want to help. We know how hard this can be because we're in it with you.    TRANSCRIPT: 01:00:07:18 - 01:00:36:07 Erin Croyle Welcome to The Odyssey. Parenting, Caregiving, Disability. I'm Erin Croyle the creator and host.  The Odyssey podcast explores the turn our lives take when a loved one has a disability. I was lucky enough to head down this less traveled road when my first child was born with Down's Syndrome in 2010. Now I work for the Center for Family Involvement at VCU's Partnership for People with Disabilities.   01:00:36:09 - 01:00:59:17 Erin Croyle This podcast explores the triumphs and hardships we face. We celebrate the joys that the odyssey of parenting, caregiving and disability bring. But we tackle the tough stuff, too, which is why I've invited Heather Trammell to join us. Heather knows hard. She too has a child with Down's syndrome. And how the medical team broke the news to her is both shocking and heartbreaking.   01:00:59:19 - 01:01:26:21 Erin Croyle After the dust settled, Heather became the director of Family Support at the Down's Syndrome Association of Northern Virginia. She's one of the first people that parents talk to after they learned their child has Down syndrome. She sees firsthand how drastically different families handle diagnoses. She also witnesses countless transformations from scared, sad and confused to happy, fulfilled and proud.   01:01:26:23 - 01:01:47:15 Erin Croyle Heather's love for her work is palpable. She's the first one to tell you that she's a sucker for a changed life. Heather, I want to jump right in and have you tell us a bit about yourself. But I like to do this a little bit differently because I think a lot of us are one person before children and then another after.   01:01:47:19 - 01:02:04:06 Erin Croyle And for us parents who have a child with a disability, that change is a lot more drastic in advocates like you. To me, it's like a superhero origin story, frankly. So can you tell me who you were before children and who you are now and how your daughter's transformed you?   01:02:04:08 - 01:02:32:15 Heather Trammell Well, I wouldn't call myself a superstar or anything. Thank you so much for having me on the podcast. Erin, it's a pleasure to be with you. It's great to chat with you about any subject at all. So I had my first child when I was 35, so there was a lot of Heather before that. And I actually do believe that everything that came before that diagnosis informs that moment.   01:02:32:17 - 01:02:55:09 Heather Trammell So the moment you hear your child has Down syndrome, that's that's a moment in time. But how you feel about that moment had everything to do with all the years before that. I grew up in a small town in Michigan, and two of the things that are significant about my younger years was that I was born with a cleft lip and cleft palate that was continually under construction.   01:02:55:09 - 01:03:25:00 Heather Trammell Now these days, children with cleft lip and cleft palate have this space age remarkable surgery, and it's all done by the time they're in kindergarten. But mine went all the way through college, and so I was just kind of a work in progress, so to speak, as far as my face goes. And so I had to, you know, go to school with surgical scars, lips not applying the right way, nose not allowing the right way speech difficulties.   01:03:25:06 - 01:04:00:10 Heather Trammell And that was really hard. That was hard. Kids are not always very forgiving about that kind of thing. Also, at the same time, I grew up with a bipolar parent who also struggled with her mental health, was sometimes compliant with medication therapy, sometimes not. And the times that were not were very difficult for us. So those two things, I think, are what came crashing to my mind when I heard that my unborn child was going to have Down's Syndrome.   01:04:00:12 - 01:04:26:20 Heather Trammell Then we got that chip off, the ultrasound chip off the day before 911. And I thought September 10th, 2011 couldn't be the worst day of anybody's life. It certainly was the worst day of mine. And then September 11th happened, really, and the whole world was falling apart. I thought, you know, that is that one of the hardest things that's ever happened for me?   01:04:26:22 - 01:04:54:00 Heather Trammell And now I am sure that the second half of my life is probably going to be as difficult as the first. I really had it in my mind that I was happily married. We were expecting our first child. It was all going to be great from now on because I had already checked the box on the hard stuff and I got through it and I grew from it.   01:04:54:02 - 01:05:20:07 Heather Trammell Good. Let's just move on. But that was the first thing that came to my mind when we got that diagnosis. That was a prenatal diagnosis. It was pretty early. It was early enough to have amnio. So the noninvasive prenatal screenings were not terribly were either weren't available or they weren't terribly good back then. So if you're really wanting to know, then get an amnio.   01:05:20:09 - 01:05:53:07 Heather Trammell And we felt like that was worth getting. So we got it. And I had in my recollection, I could be wrong here, but my recollection was I had asked my doctor not to share that news with me during the work day. He had called me with the ultrasound information on September 10th, during the work day, I had a very hard time keeping my brain together in the very busy Georgetown law firm where I worked.   01:05:53:09 - 01:06:18:10 Heather Trammell And so I thought, Let's not do that again. Don't call me at the office. But either I did not tell him that or he forgot because he did call me with the amnio results at the office and I was speechless. Of course, breath taken away and he said, I'd like you to come to my office right away. I stumbled and said, Well, what about Thursday?   01:06:18:12 - 01:06:44:21 Heather Trammell He said, Well, no, I mean, now I'll clear my calendar. Come right now. And I'm like, okay. So I took leave of my colleagues. I stomped my way back up the sidewalk the way I had just come down a half an hour earlier. And it was one of those beautiful October days where the sun is shining. It's not hot anymore.   01:06:44:23 - 01:07:11:17 Heather Trammell You fall is starting to show. It was just gorgeous. And I thought to myself, How dare the sun be shining today? This is really this is not good. And then I got on the train, the subway, which in Washington, D.C., from the north part of Washington, D.C., down to Virginia, you have to pass by the Pentagon station, which at that time was completely closed.   01:07:11:17 - 01:07:37:10 Heather Trammell Then you could still smell the smoke from the Pentagon attack as you passed by. So my mood did not get better all the way at the office. So my my husband and I met at the train station. We went to his office. He sat across his big oak desk with a very serious expression on his face. He didn't say anything like nothing at all.   01:07:37:12 - 01:08:02:03 Heather Trammell We weren't sure what to say either, so we. We just picked things out of the air where we weren't even sure what to ask. We said so is the baby okay? He said, Well, we're going to get a level two ultrasound. Here's your prescription, and that'll tell us more. Great. Am I okay? He said, Oh, you know, your health is good.   01:08:02:03 - 01:08:32:05 Heather Trammell This will not affect your health. Good. And then we're still fishing for things to say. We said, Well, so is it a girl or a boy? And he shuffled some papers and he said, it's female. And in my mind now, my husband is much more generous and thoughtful than I am. But in my mind he had just reduced my unborn child to a tadpole experiment.   01:08:32:07 - 01:09:01:20 Heather Trammell And I thought that was just it was really unreasonable of him medically. Yes, he's right. Female ex-wife. Got your exit? Sorry. Got it. But we were having a girl or a boy. I'm not giving birth to a thing. Giving birth to a real person so we could leave of his office. He didn't give us any other information. No books to read, websites to consult people to talk to.   01:09:01:22 - 01:09:29:23 Heather Trammell That was either because he forgot he didn't know or I'm not sure why he didn't, but or he maybe he expected the maternal fetal medicine people to do that. Whatever his reason was. We spent the rest of the day deciding on a name for our little girl because she was no longer going to be known as the baby or the problem when she was our little girl and she had to have a name.   01:09:30:00 - 01:09:55:03 Heather Trammell So we we named her Elizabeth. And that very moment, she was going to be Beth forever. So we went on with the rest of our pregnancy many days. I woke up in the morning after a nice night's sleep. You know, when you wake up in the morning and you've had a good night's sleep and you feel, ah, you just have that feeling like you have you have done well.   01:09:55:05 - 01:10:22:23 Heather Trammell And then I remembered my situation and then the bottom fell out of my stomach, like kind of every morning. So that was really, really difficult. One of the things I did during that time and in retrospect I would say it was somewhat self preservation. Self preservation being I didn't want to tell other people about our news. I really didn't want to hear what sweet children they were, how God.   01:10:22:23 - 01:10:53:01 Heather Trammell When we give special children to special parents or whatever, I might have thought I was going to hear and threatened my husband with certain death if he told anybody. But we did have lunch with a college buddy of mine and his wife. For some reason I just felt really comfortable with them and I told them our news over dinner and the next day she introduced me via email to somebody she worked with at the middle school where she was a teacher.   01:10:53:03 - 01:11:19:02 Heather Trammell This woman was a special educator at the middle school, and I thought to myself, Well, if we're having a baby with Down's syndrome, I am going to be the best prepared parent known to the free world. And so, yes, I think I had better learn about this special ed thing now. I prepared a whole list of notes, you know, and I went to a sit down with this lady at her home.   01:11:19:04 - 01:11:50:02 Heather Trammell Her family was out of town for a family event. I sat in her living room with my cookies and my orange juice, and I opened up my notebook of my voluminous notes. I was ready. I was not going to waste this woman's time. The first thing out of her mouth was, So tell me your story. And you know what, Erin, we can talk about, especially for the next 4 hours, we can talk about special ed at all.   01:11:50:04 - 01:12:12:19 Heather Trammell We talked about how I was feeling, what I was thinking, what I was excited about, what I was scared about, questions I could ask and get answered for hours. The sun went down and I never ask a single special ed question the entire afternoon because what I really needed was to be heard and to be heard in my heart and soul.   01:12:12:21 - 01:12:34:24 Heather Trammell Eventually, I found out everything I need to know about special ed and more that I didn't want to know about special. You get me, right, Erin? Oh, yeah. So we ended our conversation, and on my way back to the car, I thought to myself, You know, if the world of disability is filled with cool people like her, I think I'm going to like it here.   01:12:35:01 - 01:13:02:11 Heather Trammell And I was right. There's lots of cool people out there like her. And I met them. You are one of them and many others. So I've met some wonderful people in the land of disability. And I think that really started me also on the path of yet another career turn in the road. I swear my resume looks like a meandering silver thread.   01:13:02:13 - 01:13:26:15 Heather Trammell Mm. So I was a music major in college. I was a concert promoter and a booking agent. After I was in college. Then I was a paralegal, and then I was a non-lawyer support professional. And then I was a parent support professional because that's what I just really made a difference to me. How that woman helped me. I wanted to be that kind of help to other people, too.   01:13:26:17 - 01:13:44:15 Heather Trammell And I had already had a little bit of training in that kind of thing, so I was glad to pick up the mantle of leadership in that way. That was 20 years ago, if you can believe it. Like 20 years. This very year I have been serving parents and I've loved every minute of it.   01:13:44:17 - 01:13:46:05 Erin Croyle And you are so good at it.   01:13:46:06 - 01:13:52:03 Heather Trammell Oh, thank you. You're welcome. I even got myself a little 20 European from Amazon.   01:13:52:05 - 01:13:54:12 Erin Croyle As you should. Someone should have done that.   01:13:54:14 - 01:13:55:02 Heather Trammell Oh.   01:13:55:04 - 01:14:08:23 Erin Croyle My goodness. So when you moved on to that role, did that role exist? Did you create it? Tell me a little bit about what you do, but also how you started doing that.   01:14:09:00 - 01:14:37:22 Heather Trammell Sure. Yes. The role did exist before I got there, and the role had been held by several people before me. People who were at that time legends in their own time. When I took over that mantle of leadership, I had a small group of volunteers that were open to be ing, volunteer, mentor parents. And so I thought, Well, I will call all these people and introduce myself that I'm the new director of Family Support and just wanting to introduce myself.   01:14:37:24 - 01:15:00:08 Heather Trammell And every time I probably could, 80% of them said, Oh, wow, that's really nice. Warm welcome. It's nice to meet you. Oh, you know, Amy, I love Amy. She's just the best. She was there when my little boy was born. And I thought to myself, Oh, my. What kind of shoes are my stepping into? I was a little bit.   01:15:00:08 - 01:15:27:02 Heather Trammell And I was excited, but a little bit intimidating. Right. One of the things that was really instructive to me at that time was that I was noticing so many parents at that time. Now we're talking this is 2003. We're not getting in touch with our organization until their babies were six months old. And I thought, Oh, well, that's just really shouldn't they have gotten in touch with us earlier?   01:15:27:03 - 01:15:55:00 Heather Trammell I mean, not everybody had great Internet access at that time. Our website at that time was really not that good. It wasn't verifiable. So, of course, I mean, maybe people just didn't know about it. So I went to the director of the organization at that time and I said, Hey, what is up with this? Why do people not call us until like six, nine months after their babies are born?   01:15:55:02 - 01:16:21:02 Heather Trammell She said, you know, I think I wouldn't worry about that so much as what I would focus on is you go make this the best it it can be. You be the best you can be so that when they call and they will, that you are there for them being the best and giving the best that you have for them.   01:16:21:04 - 01:16:44:20 Heather Trammell And I took that as my marching orders. I did a little bit of revamp to that program. I was glad to get tremendous advice from other parent support directors around the country and learned a lot from them to implement into that program. So, yes, it did exist before I got there. And yeah, I did tweak it a little bit as time went by.   01:16:44:22 - 01:17:08:11 Erin Croyle When we think about parents that are just getting a diagnosis, whether it be Down's syndrome or cerebral palsy or any of the other things that go on, you know, the rare diagnoses too, as some of my friends have told me, we don't have a club. Right. What I do love is that we help anyone who needs help because so many of our experiences are similar.   01:17:08:13 - 01:17:20:05 Erin Croyle You're able to reach so many parents at such a vulnerable time. Can you talk about some of the different reactions you've seen throughout the years?   01:17:20:07 - 01:17:46:23 Heather Trammell I think it's a good idea to remember that you never stand in the same river twice. So even though I can sit here and tell you that some of the stories I've heard are are very common or even repetitious, I mean, some things are just so common. I could almost write other people's birth story, but I never stand in the same river twice.   01:17:46:24 - 01:18:14:23 Heather Trammell I'm not the same person now as I was 20 years ago. Being the brand new parent support director and the parents that I meet now are certainly not the same people that they were then. First of all, the child rearing years of the people I meet now, I mean, these people grew up on the Internet. They grew up with cell phones and social media accounts.   01:18:15:00 - 01:18:39:14 Heather Trammell They are very, very well connected. So a lot of times when I meet a new or expectant parent for the first time, they have already done quite a bit of Internet reading. They have maybe gotten in touch with some other parents via social media. I'm just another step on the train. So a little bit of a difference now from back then.   01:18:39:15 - 01:19:06:00 Heather Trammell So 20 years ago, maybe there wasn't really anything for them to go look at, really. And it certainly wasn't very cheerful. I think in the twins or anything before the twins, you could find some websites about Down's syndrome and you're sorry you looked it, which is really not very cheerful. They were very medical based, not telling you anything about what life was like with Down's syndrome.   01:19:06:04 - 01:19:45:08 Heather Trammell And if they did, it was gloom and doom. Nobody wanted to hear that. So some of the parents I've met now have definitely got a lot more homework before they get to me. And if they have a prenatal diagnosis, they're going to have that information through noninvasive prenatal testing. So much more now than ever before. So back in 2000, the noninvasive testing you could get was an AFP test, which was accuracy was always never very good.   01:19:45:10 - 01:20:07:16 Heather Trammell So you actually really hardly could take that seriously. Back then, the noninvasive prenatal testing is now is quite accurate. So we just take it as, yeah, you're having a baby with Down's syndrome even though you didn't have a normal or serious test. So people know a lot beforehand. Sometimes I used to still go talk to parents who are surprised at birth.   01:20:07:17 - 01:20:35:12 Heather Trammell Some parents just refuse prenatal testing on moral grounds. They are not interested in getting that information. They are scared of any risk to their child's health at all. They just want to have a happy pregnancy. She or they are just convinced that there's just no way in the world they could ever have a baby with Down's syndrome because A, B, C, D, you know, go on with whatever reason they thought.   01:20:35:14 - 01:21:05:24 Heather Trammell So I do find parents to be a little bit more prepared by the time they talk to me. They have tested the waters in social media about who there are. People are, so to speak. So back in 2000, you could call Heather Trimble and you were. You just really hoped that she was a really nice person and that she was going to answer your call because you really have any idea what kind of moron I was?   01:21:06:00 - 01:21:25:02 Heather Trammell I mean, you had really good. No. But now they have all already been a part of social media circles and they have already met people virtually. And they kind of know, well, I like these kind of people. Are my people. These kind of people are my people. And then by the time they get to me, I guess it matter like whether I'm a jerk or not.   01:21:25:02 - 01:21:48:21 Heather Trammell I mean, they're just like, well, let's just get the local people on board. I am as much of a social media freak as anybody you will ever meet. I can spend hours on Facebook just whiling the afternoon away. I'd learn good luck. I've met people. I have become a better parent, a better person. I learned so much through social media.   01:21:49:02 - 01:22:20:10 Heather Trammell There's still something lost by not having in real life people to talk to. Even during FaceTime or Zoom. When we say it out loud. She's somebody else. My child has a disability. I think that helps us move down the road in a way that social media doesn't have. Social media, we can be anybody we want to be. We can feel any way we want to feel.   01:22:20:10 - 01:22:37:23 Heather Trammell We can curate any way we want to. But when you're actually with somebody, you have to look them in the eye and tell them, My child has a disability. You say it out loud. I think that helps us move forward in our parenting a lot.   01:22:38:00 - 01:22:57:03 Erin Croyle I love that you said that. I think about social media sometimes in the work that I do with my colleagues. You know, we make sure that we're meeting people on social media. I find myself having a difficult time wanting to interact with someone in real time because we do it so much less now.   01:22:57:05 - 01:22:58:06 Heather Trammell No.   01:22:58:08 - 01:23:12:18 Erin Croyle But at the same time, I still remember at Down's Syndrome Association of Northern Virginia, DSM-V, I think it was a Christmas party or a spring party or whatever. I met my people.   01:23:12:23 - 01:23:13:23 Heather Trammell I met a whole.   01:23:13:23 - 01:23:35:00 Erin Croyle Group of people and all of our kids were babies and they just laid on the thing together and we became friends. And what was beautiful about that is that in social media you find your people and you find your bubble. But in this group of people, we had all these different ideas and opinions that we could share and they weren't bubbled, right?   01:23:35:01 - 01:23:42:08 Erin Croyle We knew we could we could share different opinions. And when you meet someone in person, like you're saying, it is a different dynamic because.   01:23:42:10 - 01:24:06:17 Heather Trammell You know, am I saying it's better or worse? I just think it's a it's a nuance we really miss if we don't get together in real life. Now, that being said, thank God for social media because there are people who live way out in the very far western part of Virginia. I don't even know what road they go to to get to the store because they are just so far out there and they're not going to be.   01:24:06:18 - 01:24:32:02 Heather Trammell There's not like the monstrous Girls and Girl Association of Northern Virginia or the gown, you know, Virginia Gown Singer Association, which is really big, too. If you live within two miles of the Virginia border out west, there's not a lot of girls and girl existence out there. So thank God that there is social media connections for people who aren't able to be a part of anything in real life.   01:24:32:04 - 01:24:55:19 Heather Trammell And there are I mean, certainly there are some parents who are immigrants, recent immigrants in the United States. They're not very confident about their English. They spending the entire afternoon with people speaking English without them is going to be very, very difficult. And they are able to Google translate things that they're on the Internet, so they feel a little bit more comfortable.   01:24:55:21 - 01:25:06:02 Erin Croyle I think the beauty of that, too, is because we have really strong organizations across Virginia. For instance, you could send someone to the Center for Family Involvement. We have a.   01:25:06:02 - 01:25:07:03 Heather Trammell Rural.   01:25:07:05 - 01:25:37:04 Erin Croyle Right. We have a rural specialist who lives in southern Virginia who can speak to those issues we have. One of my colleagues is specializes in refugee support and she has multilingual staff members. We really make an effort between all of the organizations across Virginia to really support any family that comes our way. I think military families, really it's a hard time for them because they have to learn systems in whatever state they transfer into.   01:25:37:06 - 01:26:03:06 Heather Trammell Certainly. And and conversely, I have a hard time understanding their system, too. I think whenever I hear the word TRICARE, my eyes glaze over because I don't really understand that system very well. And I have no I've I've hardly moved ever in my entire life, but my military friends move all the time. So I do feel for them to every every demographic is going to have their challenges, I think.   01:26:03:06 - 01:26:11:19 Heather Trammell And we are definitely glad to I and we are glad I could definitely support anybody from anywhere. Yeah.   01:26:11:21 - 01:26:42:09 Erin Croyle Yeah, yeah. And I think the the beauty of the parent to parent support that a lot of groups like ours and yours offer is that we've been there that lived experience we understand the urgency we understand these feelings. I think it's very important that we have that support because I know that in the professional circles when you have to go to say, a community services board or even early intervention to some extent, you know, the people are wonderful, but they don't really understand what you're living.   01:26:42:11 - 01:27:06:20 Heather Trammell At all right. Right. You know, what's really funny is that sometimes, even to this day, and I'm not sure why it is, but sometimes I will talk to newer, expectant parents and they'll say, oh, well, do you have a child with Down's syndrome? And to me, in the one part of my brain, I'm thinking, Well, yes, of course I have a child with Down's syndrome.   01:27:06:20 - 01:27:26:21 Heather Trammell Why do you think I do this? You know, of course I have a child with Down's syndrome, but somehow, somehow they think I'm a social worker or something. I don't know if that's my lovely voice or they hadn't thought about it or I don't know. But I'm like, Yes, I, too have been on this path where you are.   01:27:26:22 - 01:27:51:23 Heather Trammell Now, one of the things that I, I try to remind myself not to say is I know how you feel now. I know how I felt when I was at your point, but I don't know how you feel because I don't know you and all the 30 some years that came before you found out your baby had Down syndrome, that informs how you feel at that moment.   01:27:51:23 - 01:28:15:22 Heather Trammell As I was saying with my own story, I know how you feel is totally not totally, but largely dependent on who you were before that moment. And I don't know that. So I want people to know that I have been in this spot before. That doesn't mean I know you, but I know I know how this spot looks because I've been there.   01:28:15:24 - 01:28:49:00 Erin Croyle And let's talk about that spot because I think that grief is something that probably most parents experience. And I know that a lot of us experience it through different parts of our life. But I think that the people you're seeing and the people that you're helping, the new parents, it's that grieving of the parenting experience you thought you were going to have and realizing the milestones that are going to look different than non-disabled siblings and cousins and friends.   01:28:49:02 - 01:29:16:16 Erin Croyle You know, one of the hardest things we have to face is that you could potentially outlive your child. There are these things I know in my own experience before my son, my first child, I didn't have to deal with the medical community. I didn't understand doctors, you know, doctors. I took them for their word. So it was this massive amount of grief compiled with this mass amount of information I had to take in.   01:29:16:18 - 01:29:20:19 Erin Croyle And so those first months.   01:29:20:21 - 01:29:21:10 Heather Trammell Yeah.   01:29:21:12 - 01:29:43:17 Erin Croyle When you were talking about like not wanting to talk to anybody, I remember telling people when my son was first diagnosed, he was diagnosed after birth and it was very confusing time. There was a test that came back and first he had it and then he didn't. And I don't I mean, that's a whole podcast in itself, but.   01:29:43:19 - 01:30:01:06 Erin Croyle Right. Yeah. I remember telling people, Please don't blow sunshine up my ass. Right. Like, just don't I know it's going to be okay one day. I get that. But right now I just need to feel what I'm feeling. And I remember. Right.   01:30:01:07 - 01:30:28:06 Heather Trammell And I know you could not be more right. I have heard it many, many times throughout my years in serving parents that they have had it with the unicorns and rainbows stories that they hear on the Internet and they're like, just give it to me straight already. Now, some people want unicorns and rainbows. I'm like, okay, that's fine.   01:30:28:08 - 01:31:02:00 Heather Trammell They don't want to hear about the medical concerns that they might have to deal with. They don't want to know how arduous special education is. They just want to have them enjoy their pregnancies, enjoy their new babies. They want to hear how life is beautiful and life is beautiful. Nothing. It's not. That's what they want to hear. But other parents feel like that is, as you so eloquently put it, blowing sunshine up my ass and they are like not having any of it.   01:31:02:02 - 01:31:08:21 Heather Trammell And they want to hear. They want to hear the whole story, not just one part of it. They want to hear the whole thing.
Back to School Special
Aug 12 2023
Back to School Special
The back to school grind is tough for everyone, but it’s over in a flash and parents get a breather during school hours. Except when they don’t.  The parents and caregivers of students with disabilities live in back to school mode all year long. It’s almost like Santa preparing for Christmas. The first day of school is the main event, but elves are busy all year long. Come to think of it, Santa might have it easier.  This episode is here to make things easier for families. The Center for Family Involvement’s Blind and Vision Impaired Specialist Dawn Pfeifer-Snow supports countless people with questions about school. She’s also a mother with lived experience navigating school.  Meg Druga taught in an inclusive preschool classroom for 11 years. She is an Early Child Coordinator with the Training and Technical Assistance Center (TTAC) at James Madison University. She’s also a Determinator with I’m Determined. To learn more about that program and its origins, check out our episode, “Why We Need More than Inclusion.”  Between the host and guests, there are tips, insights, and validations that everyone can use, from the Pre-K set all the way to high school and beyond.   Take a listen and please, share your experiences with us!   The Odyssey: Parenting. Caregiving. Disability.  The Center for Family Involvement provides informational and emotional support to people with disabilities and their families. All of our services are free. We just want to help. We know how hard this can be because we're in it with you.      TRANSCRIPT   01:00:07:17 - 01:00:32:11 Speaker 1 Welcome to The Odyssey. Parenting Caregiving, Disability. I'm Erin Croyle, the creator and host of The Odyssey podcast explores the turn our lives take when a loved one has a disability. I've been on this less traveled road since 2010, when my first child was born with Down's Syndrome. Now I work for the Center for Family Involvement at VCU's Partnership for People with Disabilities.   01:00:32:13 - 01:00:58:09 Speaker 1 This podcast explores the triumphs and hardships we face. We celebrate the joys that the odyssey of parenting, caregiving and disability bring. But we don't shy away from the tough stuff either. Among the hardest of the hard for many families is school. The back to school vibe is completely different when students have ideas and five offers. I see this with my own three children.   01:00:58:11 - 01:01:19:15 Speaker 1 For my younger nondisabled kiddos, it's a breeze. We just get the stuff they need from their school supply list. Let them know their teacher and room number and poof, off they go. For my oldest, who's now a teenager. The fall back to school prep starts in January. His monthly IEP meetings shift their focus to the next academic year.   01:01:19:17 - 01:01:40:19 Speaker 1 School supply shopping consists of my staring at a long list, wondering what he'll actually need and use in the weeks and days leading up to the first day. I'm in touch with his school team so we can make the transition as seamless as possible. He needs help getting to all the new classrooms, not just on the first day, but until he gets the new routine down.   01:01:40:21 - 01:02:03:04 Speaker 1 And it doesn't stop after the first day. There is constant communication as my son and his new team figure each other out. And of course, in middle school and high school, these transitions come each quarter with new classes and teachers. Unfortunately, the challenges I face with my son are just a drop in the bucket compared to what many caregivers juggle during the school year.   01:02:03:06 - 01:02:27:08 Speaker 1 That's why I've asked Dawn Pfiefer-Snow and Meg Druga to join me today. Dawn is the Center for Family Involvement, Blind and Vision Impaired Specialist and the Family Engagement specialist with the Virginia Deaf-Blind Project. She's supported countless families with back to school questions and other issues. She's also a mother with lived experience, navigating schools and so much more.   01:02:27:10 - 01:02:53:06 Speaker 1 Meg taught in an inclusive preschool classroom for 11 years. She's now an early childhood coordinator with TTAC the Training and Technical Assistance Center at James Madison University. She's also a determined eater with I'm determined. And if you want to know more about that program and its origins, check out our episode Why We Need More than Inclusion. Now, both of you, you're here.   01:02:53:07 - 01:03:08:05 Speaker 1 I'm so excited. I think this is a very important conversation for parents and caregivers to hear because it is such a tough time. I would love to hear from you both to just give a little context of who you are and why they should listen to you. Meg, can we start with you?   01:03:08:07 - 01:03:37:09 Speaker 2 Sure. Thank you, Erin, for having me today. I am very excited to be here, as Erin mentioned. My name's Meg Druga. I'm an early childhood coordinator at the Training and Technical Assistance Center. I've been in my role for almost three years. I'm getting ready to come in to my three year anniversary. Prior to that, I was an inclusive preschool teacher in the school division in which we had 100% inclusion in our preschool program.   01:03:37:11 - 01:04:07:17 Speaker 2 I am duly endorsed in early childhood and early childhood special education, and I came into my career a little late. I actually started down this path in my path. I was going to school in agriculture and applied economics about halfway through my college experience. I realized that's not what I wanted to do. So I literally came back home, showed up on my parents doorstep, and started trying to figure out what I wanted to do with life.   01:04:07:17 - 01:04:33:03 Speaker 2 And through that journey, I happened to bump into an amazing early childhood special education teacher who told me that she needed a new educator in her classroom and so brought me into it. And after the first day of school and her newly inclusive preschool classroom, because it was a new program that Virginia was running, I fell in love and decided that that's what I wanted to do.   01:04:33:04 - 01:05:03:07 Speaker 2 So for three years, I worked as a peer educator and went back to finish my degree in early childhood special education. So I fell in love with early childhood special education and realized that that's where I want to be. I'm also a mom of a very spunky eight year old, and people often hear me talk about Lizzie. We live in a beautiful rural community with my husband and our dog, Bo.   01:05:03:09 - 01:05:25:13 Speaker 1 I love it, Meg, and I love a good origin story because, Dawn, I don't know about you, but I was a journalist before this and I didn't know much about disability or any of it. And then I have my son and that's why I'm here. I'm always curious when someone's not really affected by disability, what brings them into the field, what brings them into the profession, whether it be special education or policy?   01:05:25:15 - 01:05:35:23 Speaker 1 So hearing that and hearing that you fell in love in a classroom, just kind of it makes my heart sing because those are the people who we want teaching our kids anyway, don't we?   01:05:36:00 - 01:05:52:23 Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah, it was I always say it was a life changing moment for me. That class I still carry with me and they have graduated now. But in my mind they're still these three four year olds that forever shaped my career path in my life. And I'm always very grateful.   01:05:53:00 - 01:05:55:13 Speaker 1 Dawn, can you tell us a little more about yourself?   01:05:55:19 - 01:06:18:12 Speaker 3 Yeah. Like you, Erin, I love to hear the why and the how of people getting into, you know, the disability world, for lack of a better, better word, much like you, because I've heard you share your story as well. Erin, I had really never been around anyone with disabilities before. I remember one young man in high school, and that's it, right until I had my daughter.   01:06:18:17 - 01:06:38:13 Speaker 3 And that's really when people ask me, you know, what do I do? That's usually my first thing. I'm a mom first, right? I'm a mom. And then I also provide support to families who are have loved ones who are blind, visually impaired or deaf blind. But yeah, my daughter brought me into this work and, you know, I'm forever grateful She likewise changed my life for the better.   01:06:38:15 - 01:07:06:07 Speaker 3 So, yeah, So I'm a mom first. I always identify as having three children with visual impairments. So my oldest biological daughter is 21, freshman in college. She's blind. She's identifies on the autism spectrum, has hydrocephalus and a seizure disorder. My youngest biological child is getting ready to go off to her freshman year of college, and she is blind in one eye and also has ADHD.   01:07:06:12 - 01:07:32:01 Speaker 3 Totally different eye conditions. And then I was blessed to have a bonus daughter stepdaughter, I call her bonus daughter, who is forever 18 and seven, and she had a genetic degenerative neurological condition that caused her to lose her vision first. And then it affected all of her other abilities over time. But when she was young, she had already lost all of her vision, which also led me to my wonderful husband.   01:07:32:03 - 01:08:11:04 Speaker 3 So I've been doing this work now for probably 19, 20 years, is when I first started really reaching out and trying to connect with families and found myself providing support to other families because I was doing was attending and taking so many trainings and workshops to educate myself and as I was establishing a network of support for myself, I was very quickly finding that even parents of older children had not taken a lot of these trainings and had not were not aware of their rights, were not aware of all the various options that they had.   01:08:11:06 - 01:08:28:24 Speaker 3 And so I found myself naturally helping other parents really early on. So I would say 19, 20 years of doing this work informally and going on 12 years with the Partnership for People with Disabilities, doing this work in a more formal way of helping families navigate the services and systems.   01:08:29:01 - 01:08:52:16 Speaker 1 Yeah, it's interesting. So many people I meet like you and I don, I think we know how hard it's been for ourselves and we just want to make that easier for others and just so we can enjoy our kids. And I think that's why I really wanted to do this special. You know, I think so many people equate back to school for parents, especially mothers, frankly, is like, oh, your kids are back in school.   01:08:52:16 - 01:09:10:24 Speaker 1 You can take a break and take a load off. But when you have a kid with a disability, it's a whole couple notches up. And so I really would like to start with what do you recommend to ease that transition back into school? Dawn, I want to start with you because you have older children, but also you've been through the whole spectrum of it.   01:09:11:01 - 01:09:13:06 Speaker 1 So what what tips do you have there?   01:09:13:08 - 01:09:42:09 Speaker 3 So easing back into school, if I was to look at it from just the summertime and preparing for that first day of school, my answer is going to look very different versus preparing for that upcoming year, because I start that in the winter of the previous year. But looking at it from the perspective of from the summertime, what we have always done and what I found was very helpful was, you know, orienting to the space.   01:09:42:09 - 01:10:13:09 Speaker 3 Now, granted, I'm thinking of this from the perspective of having a blind child, but really, I think that applies to all, all children, you know, having a chance to go in, not necessarily on back to school night because that's busy is crazy and you have very limited time. But, you know, carving out that time when the school is more empty, quiet, just the teachers are in there working on their classrooms and having a chance to orient to where your classes are going to be, even in elementary school, if that's just one class, it might be a different class.   01:10:13:14 - 01:10:32:05 Speaker 3 And another thing that was always very helpful was arranging a team meeting with all of the teachers that were going to be involved for the year. That way you gave everybody an opportunity to meet each other, talk about supports that might be needed, help my child feel comfortable and ask questions that needed to be asked.   01:10:32:07 - 01:10:56:10 Speaker 1 I completely agree. For context, my son is going to be 13 and going into seventh grade. And yeah, those team meetings. Not only do I ask for one ahead of school, but in my son's IEP. I have so many meetings per year and I typically try to frontload those meetings because that transition time is difficult. So like maybe two meetings in the first month and another meeting in October.   01:10:56:10 - 01:11:22:13 Speaker 1 And just because any kid transitioning is difficult, you add a disability into the mix and those transitions are so much harder. You add intellectual disability into the mix and just finding a classroom can be hard. And so I totally agree. If you can work with that school team in a range of time to get your child in before the chaos, is there, it is so useful.   01:11:22:15 - 01:11:42:23 Speaker 1 Another thing I've tried to do too, sometimes that first day is so busy. The overwhelm component is there either request that he comes before the crowd or after the crowd. And with middle school, because you have this 20 minute window before school starts, they allow me to go ahead and take him to his homeroom so he can like avoid that chaos and yelling.   01:11:42:23 - 01:12:16:15 Speaker 1 I mean, middle school is loud and chaotic. And then one other thing before I go to IMAG, something that I've always done, I do sort of a resume for my son. So his team, since he has limited expressive language, I want his team to be able to know who he is. So certain things that might set him off, certain things that might help him if he's having a tough time, you know, his favorite songs that can help in transitions, helping him get water, reminders for the bathroom, who his siblings are, because the teachers, if they don't know you, they're not going to know who your child relates to.   01:12:16:15 - 01:12:38:08 Speaker 1 And if he's not able to say it, our children can miss out on a lot of those first day conversations. If the team isn't aware of the bigger picture of who this child is. So I think especially if your child has communication difficulties, really helping to prevent any sort of missed items so they can be involved is really important.   01:12:38:10 - 01:12:40:03 Speaker 1 Meg, how about you?   01:12:40:05 - 01:13:04:15 Speaker 2 I feel like everything that both of you guys were saying, I'm just nodding in agreement. First of all, my perspective is a little different because I have preschoolers. And so I recognized that parents, whether your student had a disability or not, because we were an inclusive classroom for many parents, they were handing their child off to me for the first time of handing them over to somebody else.   01:13:04:17 - 01:13:36:21 Speaker 2 And that's scary in general when you have a student with a disability. I think that that anxiety that the parents feel and that it's just it's so it's ten times more and so we worked really hard on setting to bring down that anxiety a little bit. I always open my classroom before the school year. I think it's important to request that they come in and see the classroom, see the space, get acclimated to the space.   01:13:37:01 - 01:14:00:21 Speaker 2 For example, I had a student one year who had various mobility needs, and so the way I thought I had arranged my classroom and the centers, I thought it would work well. And then the student came in and I realized, oh my goodness, they can't access the block center easily or the easel that I placed here is really preventing them from getting to their cubbies.   01:14:00:21 - 01:14:29:18 Speaker 2 And so we needed to make some arrangements. So it helped me figure out ways that we can even just adjust being so that so that the burden or not the burden, the fear of that access of not having access is gone so that we make our environment completely accessible. It gave the parents and I am I always invited the school team that be working with the with the students as well, including my peer educator.   01:14:29:20 - 01:14:49:20 Speaker 2 It gave us time to chat, to get to know each other and to start building that relationship. As an educator, I think one of most important things is to build relationships not with just our students, but with our families as well. And so it gave them a chance to get to know me a little bit better and gave me a chance to get to know them.   01:14:50:00 - 01:15:10:07 Speaker 2 I think, Erin, you were talking about giving the resumé. I used to have them fill out this form of what's the favorite food where you know, what shows to be like with their toys, like who lives in the house. Siblings names are one pager on the undetermined website can also be a great tool for that and you can fill it out as a family.   01:15:10:07 - 01:15:35:18 Speaker 2 So you can talk about here's the family strengths, here's our family's preferences, here's our family's interest. Then here are our needs. Like this is our need of how we need communication right now going into this, how we need to know that services are being met. I know that as a parent myself, like when I drop my child off to daycare for the first time, I needed a picture of my child smiling within the first hour.   01:15:35:18 - 01:15:54:03 Speaker 2 If I could get it. And so even just stating that, like I need at least one picture during the day so I can see my child is safe and is doing okay, and so you can fill that out on your student, but fill it out as a family as well, I think is really important.   01:15:54:08 - 01:16:17:04 Speaker 1 That is a really great idea. I think, especially with the younger kids, because you do need that context. And I also want to say you mentioned the word burden, Meg, and that is something that I talk about a bit because I think people outside that don't live our lives see our children as a burden. But I think in the context you used it in the context that we feel it our children are never a burden.   01:16:17:04 - 01:16:28:03 Speaker 1 It's the it's the lack of universal design, It's the lack of access, it's the lack of ramps, it's the lack of understanding society's the burden, not our children.   01:16:28:05 - 01:16:50:01 Speaker 2 Yes. Yes, it is. It's and it's more of the burden of how you guys are feeling of all this is one more thing that I have to worry about, that my child's not going to have the access that every other child in that classroom has. And so to take that burden of worry off of the parents, I think is important.   01:16:50:01 - 01:17:12:22 Speaker 2 I was recently in a training in which our presenter made and I wrote it down because I have been carrying it with me now, made a wonderful point of our children can be ready for anything that we put them in. It's the environment that we have to make sure that is ready for for our children, and that falls on us as the educator.   01:17:12:24 - 01:17:34:21 Speaker 2 And I love that. So that's making sure again that we are able to access the blocks and the cubbies that we have, everything that we need for all of our students to be able to participate and the support that they need and that we're making our families feel welcome and comfortable in the environment as well.   01:17:34:23 - 01:17:58:00 Speaker 1 Absolutely. I have one more question that has to do with early childhood that I was just having this conversation with my family last night because we were talking about I'm determined, we were talking about self-determination and I was talking about regrets. And one of my biggest regrets with my son is his amazing preschool teacher. She was amazing in the most understated way.   01:17:58:01 - 01:18:22:18 Speaker 1 And she confidently told me, because if you have a disability, you can start in Virginia preschool at the age of two. And so he did. And he wasn't quite potty trained yet. And it was a huge source of anxiety for me. And she confidently said, I got this, just send him in his underwear. But I was so worried about him having an accident on the bus that was like, no, he needs to, you know, No, I want to.   01:18:22:20 - 01:18:43:12 Speaker 1 And it's a huge mistake because an accident on the bus in preschool is much less of an issue than an accident on the bus in grade school or fourth grade developmental delays just mean that that stuff comes later. What do you wish you could tell parents to ease their minds and have a little trust in that school team?   01:18:43:14 - 01:19:16:17 Speaker 2 I always ask them to let me know their concerns. If your child having a bathroom accident is really causing angst and anxiety, be honest with the school team because then I can say we got this because not to get into a potty training discussion, but early childhood teachers. Bye bye trade. Potty training is what we do. And one of the most meaningful IEP meetings I think I sat in is when you get to the the part and you say, okay, where are the parental concerns?   01:19:16:19 - 01:19:42:05 Speaker 2 And the parents pulled out a list multiple pages long. It was so important for them to list all their concerns, whether it related to the IEP or just a concern for their child in general. And I think especially as an early childhood educator, we we have that time to sit there and listen to them and say, all right, what can I take off of you?   01:19:42:05 - 01:20:02:01 Speaker 2 Because that's really that's a lot to say. Okay. Let let let us absorb a little bit of that because we got this. So I just would say be open and honest. And I know that's easier said than done. Has that. That can also be really anxiety provoking if you feel like you can't be open and honest again with your words.   01:20:02:01 - 01:20:13:22 Speaker 2 Then again, kind of all, I keep going back to the one pager, but that's where maybe those needs may be a really good place to write down some of the concerns that you may have.   01:20:13:24 - 01:20:37:21 Speaker 1 I totally agree. And I think both one pagers and IEPs are where you need to have things and the important thing is there's a difference. The IEP is legally binding. The one pager is not. So anything that you want to ensure absolute happens at school has to be any IEP. The one pager is a really good resource to just get to know a student.   01:20:37:21 - 01:21:08:21 Speaker 1 One thing that I do for my son is, you know, you talk about writers and rock stars or movie stars, how they have the requests of ridiculous only Green Eminem's or only green and blue because they want to make sure that whoever is handling it read it. So I actually put a couple nuggets as like my son's writer to see if someone reads it, because there's a couple of really cool things that would be absolutely brought up in conversation if it were read and there's been quite a few times it hasn't.   01:21:09:00 - 01:21:19:11 Speaker 1 And so I find that that's important, I think as well. And I want to move to talking about the IEP. How do you prepare the team? How do you prepare the IEP for that new school year.   01:21:19:13 - 01:21:43:12 Speaker 3 As I mentioned earlier, is that I start preparing the winter ahead of the school year. So if my daughter's starting into first grade next year, I start preparing the winter of her kindergarten year. For me, what I always found to be very helpful is and this is kind of both, it's it's helping prepare for the IEP team, but it's also preparing the special education teachers that are involved in her plan.   01:21:43:12 - 01:22:04:10 Speaker 3 And then ultimately, it'll help the teachers, you know, as we get closer to the upcoming school year. But what I would do is I would go on to the Department of Ed's website and look up the curriculum and the standards of learning for the upcoming year. Some people might think that I'm a little over the top with that, but it was so helpful.   01:22:04:12 - 01:22:25:23 Speaker 3 I would print it out for each subject and then I would go through it and make notes. I would think about, okay, how is my child going to access this? How is she going to learn X, Y, Z in the course? You can't address every single thing, right? So ultimately, I would try to narrow it down to the heavy hitters of what I thought was important and it would make the biggest impact.   01:22:26:04 - 01:22:52:22 Speaker 3 A lot of times it covered many things. Then I would start researching what would a goal look like, right? And I would make notes on ideas for goals and I may not write it out word for word, but I would have a bullet list of what some of the goals might look like. I would research what kind of devices or technology low tech 3D items might be helpful in supporting her, learning the various things.   01:22:53:00 - 01:23:18:01 Speaker 3 And again, I would make a list. And that list, when we had our IEP meeting, it started out with when we had our IEP meeting, I would take that list with me. I would ask our teacher for the visually impaired because usually that with a student who is blind or visually impaired or a deaf blind, the teacher for the visually impaired is often in charge of ordering a lot of the materials, educational materials for the student.   01:23:18:01 - 01:23:40:20 Speaker 3 So I would hand a list of items to her to order and we would discuss all of it during the IEP meeting. But it got to the point with our team where we just became so comfortable with the routine that the teacher for the visually impaired and I would have a pre-meeting. There were a couple pre meetings where we would discuss all of that and even craft out some ideas for goals.   01:23:40:20 - 01:24:07:21 Speaker 3 And then that way when we met as a full team, it just went a lot smoother and was a lot, a lot shorter. But that was really, really, really made a huge impact in many ways. One helping to prepare for the IEP too. I knew what my daughter was going to be expected to learn. Three The team knew I was an involved parent, right?   01:24:07:23 - 01:24:12:15 Speaker 3 So that's the way I handled it.   01:24:12:17 - 01:24:45:03 Speaker 1 Dawn, this is such a great strategy. I'm always taken aback by how, even though I've done all these trainings and I've been doing this for a long time and conferences and books, I learn something new and sometimes it's from someone I've known for years and we've just never talked about this. I wonder, though, what about those students who aren't at grade level who aren't going for the standard diploma, who are in middle school but doing kindergarten level work because they're just not there yet?   01:24:45:09 - 01:24:50:03 Speaker 1 How can they utilize the things that you're talking about?   01:24:50:05 - 01:25:07:20 Speaker 3 I would still say looking at the standards of learning overview, right? So I just want to be clear that we're not talking about looking at like a nasal test. You know, you're looking at the standards of learning overview, you're looking at the breakdown of the curriculum because I can't remember the details, but I could pull different things from each document.   01:25:07:24 - 01:25:28:09 Speaker 3 But taking a look at that and then and then thinking about what makes sense for my child. And so maybe it's not everything that's on there. Maybe it's only one thing from each section. How would that be modified for your child so that it made sense and was meaningful? That's the way that I think you could approach it that way.   01:25:28:09 - 01:25:41:20 Speaker 3 You're still looking at what is everyone else in the classroom or what does everyone else at that grade level being exposed to and you finding a way to make that meaningful and inclusive?   01:25:41:22 - 01:26:01:17 Speaker 1 Meaningful is the key word there, Dawn. I think a lot of times and I've written about this and I've talked about it, we do inclusion for the sake of inclusion without providing the supports and materials needed for it to truly be inclusive. And I think meaningful is key. Meg, what do you see in your work where you see meaningful inclusion.   01:26:01:19 - 01:26:39:19 Speaker 2 Meaningful inclusion? I mean, it is more just than to have a spot in the classroom. It's that and meaningful intentional modifications and supports and opportunities for interactions. When Dawn was talking, I was thinking about a student that we had one year that when it was time for her to start transitioning out preschool into kindergarten, there was a large discussion around Lori and moving either from my fully inclusive preschool classroom at her home school to a different classroom, a more self-contained classroom in a different school, the parent said, Absolutely not.   01:26:39:20 - 01:27:05:12 Speaker 2 We want her to continue to be in her home school. I said, Absolutely not. She needs to continue to be in her home school. And there were questions of, well, then how are we going to write an IEP to address the needs with the swells? So then what I did is I got with her new case manager for kindergarten, and we looked at the soils and we looked at the one that sticking out my mind is the literacy of the well.   01:27:05:12 - 01:27:34:20 Speaker 2 And we were talking about learning about characters and plots and settings and we're like, okay, we can do this. It's just we're going to modify it and we're going to adapt it. We are not changing the content that she is learning. We are modifying how it's being delivered. We are modifying how she's going to demonstrate that she has learned it, but she is still learning the same information and that her peers are learning.   01:27:34:20 - 01:27:58:01 Speaker 2 And I think that we talk about IEPs and we talk about inclusion. We are providing the same opportunities. It's just the way that it's being presented. We all learn differently. I mean, I take that information much different than my husband. My husband is a walking calculator in his head. I'm the one that still pulls out my phone when we have to tip somebody and typed in the calculator.   01:27:58:01 - 01:28:19:20 Speaker 2 And so I think we often forget that we all have very different learning modes in the ways we learn. And so I think for parents to ask and maybe to look at the Sols and do what I love, Hamilton said that she went through them and looked at them. I had a guardian one year, two years in preschool.   01:28:19:20 - 01:28:43:03 Speaker 2 I get I love most of the time I had the children two or three years, but she had a binder and when I had her grandson, the binder was really, really small. I just went to his fifth grade graduation and in May, and she said, The binder is now this big. But she kept everything. She kept notes, she kept her own notes and documented what was said in the IEP meetings past IEP.   01:28:43:03 - 01:29:06:04 Speaker 2 She came with questions. She did her research. When Dawn was talking earlier, a tip I thought was every single meeting. We said, okay, well here, would you like a copy of your rights? She said, Absolutely. I know parents are, and family members may get tired of having that. I don't know if it's a purple booklet or not, but a copy of the rights.
Does the ADA Need a Makeover?
Jul 25 2023
Does the ADA Need a Makeover?
An estimated 1 in 4 Americans has a disability significant enough that it impacts their daily life.  When the Americans with Disabilities Act was signed into law on July 26th, 1990 it was celebrated as groundbreaking legislation that would grant access to jobs, schools, transportation, and public spaces.  More than 30 years later, the ADA is showing its age.  Advocates argue that while the ADA banned disability-based discrimination, people with disabilities still have to fight to be included. Long-standing policies make it difficult for many people to find meaningful employment, obtain sufficient housing, relocate, and, in some cases, get married.  Rapid advances in technology can be hugely benificial for disabled people. But the lack of best practices and understanding of what accessible means for different disabilities often places the burden of access on individuals.  It's time for a change. This is why we reached out to Matthew Shapiro and Lilith Holmes. Matthew is a public speaker, consultant, and founder of 6 Wheels Consulting. Lilith is a high school student and fierce advocate who plans on going to medical school.  Listen and learn about the challenges they see in their lives and their advocacy work and how we can make meaningful improvements.  The Odyssey: Parenting. Caregiving. Disability.  The Center for Family Involvement provides informational and emotional support to people with disabilities and their families. All of our services are free. We just want to help. We know how hard this can be because we're in it with you.          TRANSCRIPT: 01:00:07:19 - 01:00:39:16 Erin Croyle Welcome to The Odyssey. Parenting, Caregiving, Disability. I'm Erin Croyle, The creator and host of The Odyssey podcast explores the turn our lives take When a loved one has a disability. Even though an estimated one in four Americans has a disability, so many obstacles that interfere with simply existing remain. I learned this immediately after my first child was born with Down's Syndrome in 2010. 01:00:39:18 - 01:01:07:17 Erin Croyle Instead of celebrating this beautiful baby, everyone around us, from doctors to friends to family, was saying sorry. Instead of joy, I felt devastation. I dug out of that pit of despair by first educating myself and later advocating for the human rights that we all deserve. That journey brought me here, working for the Center for Family Involvement at VCU's, Partnership for People with Disabilities. 01:01:07:19 - 01:01:22:09 Erin Croyle This podcast explores the triumphs and the hardships, will revel in how amazing the odyssey of parenting, caregiving and disability is. But we won't shy away from the tough stuff either. 01:01:22:11 - 01:01:53:14 Erin Croyle The Americans with Disabilities Act is indeed both marvelous and deeply flawed. When President George H.W. Bush signed it into law on July 26, 1990, it was groundbreaking. The ADA banned disability based discrimination granting access to jobs, school transportation and public spaces. 30 plus years later, the ADA is showing its age. In fact, some advocates point out that the legislation failed to shift mindsets. 01:01:53:16 - 01:02:19:03 Erin Croyle So while there are laws in place, institutions and individuals have to be reminded to abide by them. And sometimes that can be a fight that folks don't have the time, energy or resources to take on. This is why I had to talk to Matthew Shapiro and Lilith Holmes. Matthew is a consultant and public speaker. Lilith is a high school student who is the epitome of self-determination. 01:02:19:05 - 01:02:27:07 Erin Croyle Both of them were born after the ADA came to be. 01:02:27:09 - 01:02:46:04 Erin Croyle Matthew and Lilith, I'd like to start with you telling us a little bit about yourselves. Given what we're talking about, I think it would help the listeners if you could also explain a bit about your disability for context. At the same time, reminding folks that somebody's disability is nobody's business. Matthew, let's start with you. 01:02:46:06 - 01:03:10:19 Matthew Sure. So I'm very excited to be here for a wonderful conversation on such an important topic. For me, I am in my early thirties and have known the ADA all my life. I was born in 1991, so I have grown up with the ADA. I am a person who is in a wheelchair due to being diagnosed with cerebral palsy. 01:03:10:21 - 01:03:35:07 Matthew Basically that means that the messages don't get from my brain to the rest of my body effectively. And that requires me to use a wheelchair to navigate this world that we all get to inhabit on a day to day basis. And yeah, I think your intro really hit it on the head, right? I think there is a lot of improvement that needs to be done around the area. 01:03:35:07 - 01:04:01:24 Matthew And I, I've often said that we one needed to have another disability rights movement, but to really needed to be intentional about updating it because we are currently in a world where the issues and challenges that were faced in 1990 are still issues and challenges today and 2023. We are not focusing on the next generation of challenges that are affecting the disability community. 01:04:01:24 - 01:04:20:05 Matthew You know, digital access, work from home, shortages in care, attendance like those were issues back then, but they're even more so issues now because we haven't addressed transportation, we haven't addressed employment that were issues when the bill first passed. So there's a lot of ground that I think we still need to cover. 01:04:20:07 - 01:04:54:07 Erin Croyle Absolutely. Before Lilith, we go to you, I want to just point out, Judy Heumann, amazing woman, amazing advocate who passed away recently when she was advocating for the ADA. She was citing Section 504, part of the 1973 Rehabilitation Act. And so her advocacy was actually updating legislation and guidelines that already existed. And so it's interesting to be having this conversation now and you mentioning having another movement because it makes total sense were overdue. 01:04:54:09 - 01:05:01:03 Erin Croyle But we can dive into that more later. Lilith, can you go ahead and tell us a little bit about yourself? 01:05:01:05 - 01:05:19:23 Lilith Hi, I'm Lilith Homes. I was born in 2008 and I have albinism, which causes a loss of pigment in my entire body. That affects my vision because I have nystagmus and I have no pigment in my retinas black light. So I have to use a white cane for accessibility. 01:05:20:00 - 01:05:20:05 Erin Croyle And. 01:05:20:05 - 01:05:43:22 Lilith I read Braille. My school is a public school, but I go to a magnet school for profoundly gifted students. And while that has definitely been an amazing experience, the shortcomings of the ADA are highlighted by some of my teachers' actions. I'm not going to go too deeply into that, but I definitely feel as the world develops, the ADA should develop with it. 01:05:43:24 - 01:06:07:12 Erin Croyle A moment ago I mentioned that disabilities are no one's business, but in order to get those accommodate and we do have to disclose our disabilities. So this is of course, a complicated question. Some disabilities are obvious, others are invisible. But a lot of times we apply for things without ever meeting somebody. You know, you you need to know what to disclose and what not to. 01:06:07:14 - 01:06:13:24 Erin Croyle And it's like walking a tightrope. Matthew, we'll start again with you. How do you manage that? 01:06:14:01 - 01:06:33:20 Matthew I get asked this question a lot, right? And it's always been a situation where I pretty much immediately disclose that I am a person with a disability for a number of reasons. Right. One. Like, let's say I'm doing a job interview, right? That job interview needs to be in a location that is wheelchair accessible. I'm a power wheelchair user. 01:06:33:22 - 01:07:05:20 Matthew I have to be able to access where the interview is taking place. And so it's always in my view that if I'm not telling someone that that is a need, then then I could be walking into a situation where, you know, like the interview is on the second floor and they don't have an elevator. I've also always found that if you disclose, you're sort of getting out in front of it and you're, for lack of a better way of saying it right, you're not making things awkward when you are all doing things. 01:07:05:22 - 01:07:44:20 Matthew I understand how people with invisible disabilities may not feel the need to disclose, but I always tell people as soon as I roll into a room, you see my wheelchair and you know that clearly I have something going on. You might not know what the specifics of it are and you might not know how it affects me, but I think it's really important to help put people at ease in having that conversation right away, you know, where they're not having to guess, they're not having to assume what my accommodations are. 01:07:44:22 - 01:08:07:19 Matthew And you are developing a rapport with either your direct report, if you're working at a job or someone else that is in a position of power to help navigate. All right, Matthew, we've had this conversation. What can we do to help? You know, you have made us aware that, like, these are what your struggles are in the workplace or in any environment. 01:08:07:24 - 01:08:24:09 Matthew What can we do to make that more easy for you? And I think without disclosing that, you know, that conversation can be more tricky. So I've always been very open minded and very direct in my disclosure of my disability. 01:08:24:11 - 01:08:50:16 Erin Croyle Matthew, I want to follow up with that, though, because you have a consulting company and the work you do is very much disability related. And so in your circle of friends, in the people that you consult with, do you see something different though? Do you see people denied interviews if they disclose? Because there are stories of that and reports of that happening? 01:08:50:18 - 01:09:14:05 Matthew Yes, I haven't seen that directly. But you're right that there are stories of that happening. A lot of what I get is how do we handle it Right? And it's a situation of, I would argue, being prepared to handle it both ways. Right. Be prepared for someone to disclose, but don't expect that they would write again. If you're using me as the example, I would disclose. 01:09:14:05 - 01:09:36:21 Matthew I don't know how Lewis feels. I don't know how the next person with disabilities feel, but I think as a as an employer, be prepared for both and be good at handling both so that if someone discloses, you know, how to deal with that and if they don't, you have the system in place to help guarantee that they are successful in that role as well. 01:09:37:01 - 01:09:58:00 Matthew Because I think the opposite of that is true as well. Like if they don't disclose and then they're struggling because they didn't disclose it, you know, does that is that a detriment to them and their ability to be able to do their jobs? Probably there's not a right or wrong answer to that question. And right like it varies person to person. 01:09:58:00 - 01:10:10:15 Matthew And that's that's an argument I would make for disability wide on any number of topics. It really does come down to communication and what the person's personal beliefs are. 01:10:10:17 - 01:10:30:23 Erin Croyle Well, as your situation is different, I mean, you're in high school, but I'm sure you face a whole sort of different dynamic. You're also looking ahead to the future. I mean, you're I assume college applications and all sorts of things. I would love to hear how different your experience is. 01:10:31:00 - 01:11:00:16 Lilith Well, my parents haven't yet kicked me out of the house and said, get a job. So I haven't yet had the job interview, but I have had to do interviews. When I applied for specialty centers and I had to tell them that I had a disability not because they needed to do anything special for me just for the interview, but because if I were to go to that school, they would need to have a system in place to help manage my accommodations. 01:11:00:18 - 01:11:24:16 Lilith But it seems just like everywhere in public, people want you to disclose your disability. They ask you more questions than a doctor would most of the time. So I think it is up to the individual. But disclosure of your disability is important to those who need to know. But if the random strangers walks up in public and goes, what's wrong with you? 01:11:24:17 - 01:11:35:00 Lilith Because they see me with my cane, Matthew with his wheelchair and they would just march up and go, What's wrong with you? Do you need help? I think that's not appropriate. 01:11:35:02 - 01:11:45:01 Erin Croyle Yeah. And that level of discrimination just exists in this weird vacuum where people are completely clueless. 01:11:45:03 - 01:12:07:21 Matthew Can I. Can I piggyback on that? To work with what Little said. I agree with what she said. Right. In terms of when people randomly come up to you and say, hey, what's wrong with you? What's your disability? I can make an argument for the opposite of that too, though, because I've always viewed that. And again, there's no right or wrong answer in this situation. 01:12:07:23 - 01:12:31:19 Matthew I've always viewed that as an opportunity to educate and to expose people to disability, particularly younger youngsters. And I've frame that. I've always framed that as like my grocery store story, right? Where a little kid will see me in the grocery store and you get to look all the time, right? They'll see me with my wheelchair and their eyes will get as big as saucers, right? 01:12:31:19 - 01:12:56:09 Matthew Because they're so surprised by this device that I'm using to navigate the world. Oftentimes, if I'm in a space where I notice that they're doing that and I'm in a space where they can be safe with it, I will let them engage with my wheelchair, right? I'll let them drive my chair a little bit. I'll let them push the buttons on the chair that are the lights and the horn and stuff. 01:12:56:11 - 01:13:22:11 Matthew But nine times out of ten, the parents will come up and snatch the child away before that interaction can really take hold. And I think that does a couple of things, right? It it reestablishes like stranger danger, which I understand. I'm not I'm not advocating for people to speak to strangers, but I'm open. I'm open, I'm honest, I'm very approachable. 01:13:22:13 - 01:13:41:11 Matthew And then it also reignites the stigma around disability. I'm like, Oh, that kid. The next time they see some disability, they're gonna be like, Well, I went and tried to talk to Matthew, right? And when I did, my parents got mad at me. So I'm not going to try and engage with that next person that I see. And I don't think that's the right strategy either. 01:13:41:11 - 01:13:54:13 Matthew Right? Because we need to be teaching inclusion. We need to be teaching that all people are valued. If we're doing that, we're setting up young people for misinformation, I guess is the right way to describe it. 01:13:54:15 - 01:14:22:23 Erin Croyle That is such an important point and it's nice to hear that you still have the patience and tolerance for that. I think it is easier with children and I think too, it's different with intellectual disabilities and disabilities where communication is difficult, it scares people. I find it really strange with my son having Down's syndrome, you know, when he was little it was cute and people looked at him with adoring eyes. 01:14:22:23 - 01:14:36:08 Erin Croyle But he's, you know, almost 13. And as he gets older, it's it's a lot of stares, which actually to me because it's quite a common disability and people stare and they're not kind stares. 01:14:36:10 - 01:14:57:09 Matthew Yeah and honestly that will get worse before it gets better right? I ran into that same situation when I got like when I was younger, I was the cute kid in the wheelchair and everyone wanted to push me around and and all those things. But then when I got into like middle school and older, like, I wasn't frankly, I wasn't necessarily invited to parties. 01:14:57:09 - 01:15:27:09 Matthew And so I had to create my own social circles and my house became the hangout spot. But now as an adult or I try to act like an adult on a regular basis, I still feel like I'm a kid at heart as an adult, right? Like, I have the tools and the skills and the, you know, my parents let my friends drive my van on a regular basis, so I go out with them whenever I want and I have ramps to get into people's houses so I can, you know, go hang out at different places. 01:15:27:11 - 01:15:31:16 Matthew But it changes. I think people need to be aware of that. 01:15:31:18 - 01:15:59:01 Erin Croyle I love that you said this because I want to talk about, like what perceptions of disability and accessibility are because it's one of those factors of an inclusive community that people don't really understand. I think unless you are part of the disability community, when you hear accessible, you think maybe wheelchair accessible and maybe Braille, but it's so much more than that. 01:15:59:03 - 01:16:16:05 Erin Croyle It's screen readers, it's using camel case. When you do hashtags for those that don't know, it's capitalizing the first letter of a word. So a screen reader will read it as a separate word and the hashtags are not legible. The screen reader without that. 01:16:16:07 - 01:16:19:08 Matthew See, I didn't know that. See, like I just learned something. 01:16:19:10 - 01:16:45:11 Erin Croyle Right? And well, so there are best practices and standards that we are not practicing best practices as a society. I often think, how can we change that, you know, as we wait? I don't I don't feel like there's a movement to update the ADA. What would you want to tell the world about accessibility and what it means to different people? 01:16:45:11 - 01:16:51:01 Erin Croyle And Lilith, since Matthew and I have been dominating, I would really love to hear from you first. 01:16:51:03 - 01:17:19:21 Lilith Oh, of course, I. I feel like a lot of people think accessibility detracts from something like putting your Facebook post in legible font importing image description somewhere in. It makes your posts meaningless. But I want people to understand that accessibility doesn't just benefit the person who needs it. It can also sometimes benefit people who don't necessarily need it, like some people I've heard of. 01:17:19:21 - 01:17:42:12 Lilith They use closed captions when watching TV, even though they are not deaf. It just helps them focus more. And I'm not saying that people without disability should go gung ho and taking up all the resources, like just standing in the wheelchair ramp like some people at my school do. But I just want people to understand that accessibility is important for everyone. 01:17:42:18 - 01:17:52:12 Lilith It is not just something we have to do to make the disabled person be quiet because that's just not very nice. And yet a lot of people say that. 01:17:52:14 - 01:17:54:04 Matthew Well said. 01:17:54:06 - 01:18:06:14 Erin Croyle Exactly what else do you experience at school, Ellis? I mean, what sort of things are you asking for that come across as as like a burden, if you will? 01:18:06:16 - 01:18:26:05 Lilith I wouldn't like to throw my school under the bus too much, but a lot of some of my teachers have been treating my IEP as optional or complaining about it or acting like it takes away from the whole class. If they write in a legible font and make their mouth bigger than an end on the screen. I mean, when they're presenting it. 01:18:26:07 - 01:18:40:10 Erin Croyle You know, it's funny, as is aware, as I like to consider myself, I didn't even think of font size. That is such a simple thing to adjust. And you find folks not wanting to do that. 01:18:40:12 - 01:18:46:06 Lilith Yes, many folks think that it's just too much effort. 01:18:46:08 - 01:19:11:11 Erin Croyle It's interesting, when I was researching ahead of this interview, you know, just thinking outside the box about accessibility, modifying door handles for someone whose arms, you know, maybe you don't have hands. I know in my own personal experience with a child who eloped, having access to fenced in playgrounds that had gates that were childproof was a lifesaver. And it's hard to come by those. 01:19:11:13 - 01:19:37:08 Erin Croyle I find that I run into roadblocks because people find fencing to be almost related to jail, but that's keeping kids alive. How can we find a middle ground on what is aesthetically pleasing and what is a safety issue? It's actually hurtful to see how little people want to change. Matthew. I mean, being someone using a wheelchair, you must see it all. 01:19:37:10 - 01:20:09:19 Matthew It is quite an adventure to navigate the world from a seated and six wheeled situation. People think that the bare minimum of accessibility, meaning ADA, compliance and different things like that is all that we need to be doing when in truth and in reality. In my work, I always challenge people to say, Let's go above and beyond what's required by the ACA to make the space as most accessible and inclusive as possible. 01:20:09:21 - 01:20:40:16 Matthew What does that look like? Well, that could be open floor planning, right? Where there's not. You're not in a space that is cluttered by desks or extra staff around the place, like extra boxes and extra cabinets and extra, you know, whatevers that take up additional space for from an accessibility standpoint, whether you're a wheelchair user, whether you're like Luis and how it cane, whether you're somebody who uses a walker, all of those things matter. 01:20:40:18 - 01:21:03:18 Matthew And one thing that often blows people's minds and I was talking about this on a panel I was on recently, carpeting is super important. If we have a carpet that has like a design in it, if you're navigating that space as a wheelchair user, that design is going to pull you in a certain direction because of how the thread on the carpet is. 01:21:03:20 - 01:21:27:04 Matthew And so when I'm working with my architect clients and my builder clients, I'm saying like get rug that doesn't have design in it because it's going to make it easier thinking about layouts of of office spaces, right? Thinking about instead of having, you know, if you have a bunch of desks, make them all standing desks so that that is immediately accessible to everyone, right? 01:21:27:04 - 01:21:45:04 Matthew I can go up to my desk and I can push a button and that raises my desk up. You know, I'm coming to you from my office right now. And over Christmas, my my parents bought me a standing desk for accessibility purposes so that I could in programing I could raise my desk up in trying to navigate under my desk. 01:21:45:04 - 01:22:01:24 Matthew I can raise my desk up. I now love this desk, and it makes me so much more productive. You know, we've got to think about sidewalks and spaces to get to and from spaces, you know, are that are the stones coming up through the sidewalk? Are they compliant? Are there curb cuts compliant? You know, all of those things. 01:22:02:01 - 01:22:23:04 Matthew So my brain is constantly evaluating and looking for the right path and looking for the right way to go about things. I would love a day when, you know, I could go somewhere and not have to worry about that. I think we're a long way from that, but that is definitely a goal that I would like to see achieved. 01:22:23:06 - 01:22:51:13 Erin Croyle As someone who's 45, I remember in 1990 the buzz around ADA, but I was quite young then. Still to not fully understand how amazing it was. And you know, people with disabilities were segregated quite a bit still. So I didn't know anyone who could share with me the impact of it. But I remember very well the conversations around businesses not wanting to comply and being angry and complaining about costs. 01:22:51:15 - 01:23:19:17 Erin Croyle And to some extent I get that because small businesses can't afford to change everything. But at the same time, here we are, 33 years later and I see new constructions, I see remodeling and a complete failure to try to use universal design for living. I don't understand why we can't do ramps. I don't understand why any public bathroom does not have an adult changing table. 01:23:19:17 - 01:23:27:09 Erin Croyle You know, I don't understand why showers cannot be fully accessible. It it is heartbreaking. 01:23:27:11 - 01:23:51:02 Matthew There's an element to where I think the most exhausting thing for me and I'd be curious to know your thoughts with your son and know if I would like to know this from YouTube. But the amount of planning that is required to make sure that like, okay, we're going to go to this restaurant or there's very little that can be done spontaneously as a person with a disability because we want to go to this restaurant. 01:23:51:02 - 01:24:13:23 Matthew Well, Darren, there's a step to get in there. Well, how do we do that? Do they have a ramp? Oh, we'll carry you in. No, you won't. Right. Like there's all these things that occur or, you know, we want to go stay at this resort. Well, you only have one room with a rolling shower and somebody is using it and they don't have beds that are for limited beds for somebody like myself who uses a royal lift. 01:24:13:23 - 01:24:29:01 Matthew And for those that don't know what a horror lift is, it's a piece of equipment that can be rolled under the bed that will help you transfer from your wheelchair to the bed. And in order to do that, you have to be able to roll it underneath the bed. But nine times out of ten now we have platform beds. 01:24:29:03 - 01:24:51:21 Matthew Those are just a couple examples. There is a laundry list of things that you have to concern yourself with before you even try to do something on a day to day basis. So yes, it's part of life. But again, I would love a scenario where that would not be required. But as of right now, because of the way the world is set up, it is still required. 01:24:51:21 - 01:25:00:02 Matthew And that's what motivates me to try to change the way we have these conversations in the work that I do. 01:25:00:04 - 01:25:04:12 Erin Croyle Before I say anything little, if I'm curious what you have to say. 01:25:04:14 - 01:25:28:23 Lilith Sorry. Yeah, I agree with that. I feel like it's difficult not being able to just get up and go somewhere and enjoy it without wondering, okay, who is going to fall and break their nose on the steps and on the bathroom signs actually properly labeled because I think I mentioned this on a panel. The bathroom sign at Barnes and Noble and Braille. 01:25:28:23 - 01:25:52:12 Lilith It was upside down. And so pointing that if you put your finger on it, you'd stop yourself. So, yes, I feel like it's difficult with the lack of universal design to be able to do anything without a lot of careful planning and agonizing over Is it worth the risk? Should we complain to them? Stuff like that. 01:25:52:14 - 01:26:12:00 Erin Croyle But I want to ask you to to tell us a little more, because I think, you know, we know a lot of things that happen with wheelchairs, but I don't think there's a great understanding of folks who are visually impaired because I think there's a perception that you have a cane or a guide and that's it. You're fine. 01:26:12:02 - 01:26:16:18 Erin Croyle So can you tell us a little more about some of the daily obstacles you face? 01:26:16:20 - 01:26:46:21 Lilith It's hard when the crosswalk is not very visible crossing the road, but when I go outside, I cannot see anything at all because I have no pigment in my eyes to block the sun. So I just can't see anything at home. So it's very hard crossing the road when you have this guy in the car waving and waving and waving and waving and waiting for you to go because you think he thinks you can see his hand or when the sidewalk is bent up and cracked, because that's hard for me to navigate with my cane. 01:26:46:23 - 01:26:54:14 Lilith I think it's hard for most people to those with disabilities and without to manage that anyway. But it's very hard to see. 01:26:54:16 - 01:27:15:20 Erin Croyle It's interesting to me too. I find a lot of the hurdles are our fellow humans; people leaving bikes in the curb-cut outs or things on sidewalks, or just standing there and not being aware of those around them, just in their own little bubble of reality. And it's not a universal reality. 01:27:15:22 - 01:27:37:06 Matthew Well, and I think that's so interesting, right? I have a couple of thoughts on what Lewis said. First of all, the fact that Barnes and Noble has the Braille sign upside down, like that's a problem. Like somebody didn't install that properly. So like, what are we doing to fix that? I can't tell you how many times I'm on the sidewalk, right. 01:27:37:08 - 01:27:55:22 Matthew And somebody is walking towards me and they're doing the universal. I'm on a sidewalk from my head down and I'm going to be looking at my phone situation. I stay on my path. I do not move because it is not my job to move for you. You need to look up and you need to realize, Oh, I'm about to run into somebody in a wheelchair. 01:27:55:24 - 01:28:16:23 Matthew And a lot of times when that happens, to your point, hearing like people not being aware of what's going on around them, they'll hit me and look at me like it was my fault. When you got your head down in your phone and you're not paying attention to where you're walking. That happens to me more than I would like to admit. 01:28:16:23 - 01:28:23:20 Matthew It is a frequent occurrence when I'm in big cities like New York, DC, places like that. 01:28:23:22 - 01:28:50:11 Erin Croyle Yeah, you see that everywhere. It's a lack of empathy and a lack of knowledge. And quite frankly, ignorance. I think as a society we still look at disability as this thing that will never happen to me. But one in four Americans. That means pretty much either you or someone you love will have a disability that impacts your daily life before you die. 01:28:50:13 - 01:29:14:11 Erin Croyle And I talk about this when I speak to university students about inclusion. I feel like my dad is a really good example and I'm a good example of that. I didn't know anyone really with a disability until my son was born. He was the first person I met with Down syndrome. Because of that. I think part of the devastation I felt when he was born was just not knowing anyone because we just pretend it doesn't happen. 01:29:14:13 - 01:29:40:15 Erin Croyle And then my father had a stroke and he had to use a wheelchair and it was devastating for him. And my mother, who's a nurse, but old school used the word invalid, you know, to describe him, which to me is one of the most hurtful, awful words you can use to describe a human being to to say invalid, which is essentially invalid. 01:29:40:17 - 01:30:03:13 Lilith What I mean about a lot of people, they they don't know they're doing it well, or maybe they do, but they say a rude word like retarded, invalid, stuff like that. And I'm not sure how many of them know that they're saying something. They really should not say someone with a disability. But that's just it's very hurtful even when they don't mean it. 01:30:03:15 - 01:30:13:18 Matthew So and it's interesting that you say that. Well, is right when I run into a lot of times, as I'm glad you're out today. Right. I'm glad you're here. 01:30:13:20 - 01:30:15:05 Erin Croyle Oh, my God. 01:30:15:07 - 01:30:18:22 Matthew Oh, I get it. I get it regularly and my such. 01:30:18:22 - 01:30:20:22 Lilith Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you. 01:30:20:23 - 01:30:23:13 Matthew No, no, go ahead. Well, the such an inspiration. 01:30:23:13 - 01:30:26:09 Lilith You're so brave. You got up this morning and came to work. 01:30:26:13 - 01:30:45:13 Matthew Yep. Yeah, It's that or it's. I'm glad you're out today, right? And my friends have gotten to the point where they'll make jokes with me, like, Oh, I'm glad you're out to do that, but they'll, like, Come pick me up. Right, and do all the things like the language we use is so important. I am not to love your point. 01:30:45:13 - 01:31:13:03 Matthew I'm not an inspiration because I wake up every day and I put my pants on my messages might be inspirational. My way of doing my work might be inspirational, but just because I live my life doesn't make me a godlike figure because I'm quote unquote, overcoming my disability. I'm not overcoming my disability. Right. I'm living with it. I am living to love it. 01:31:13:03 - 01:31:44:08 Matthew I am living to navigate life with it. I have the same wants, desires and needs as everyone. At 32, I'm actively in the dating scene and let me tell you, it's an adventure and it's it's hard to deal with all of that as a person who uses a wheelchair, frankly, because society doesn't look at you in a romantic sense, which is hard. 01:31:44:10 - 01:32:14:09 Matthew So I'm dealing with the same things people my own age are navigating as nondisabled folks. But there are elements that make it harder because you're having to break through societal misunderstandings more than anyone else. Sorry, I went on a soapbox for a second, but it's it's very, very hard and is very, very frustrating that you have to jump over five hurdles before you get what you want. 01:32:14:11 - 01:32:32:14 Erin Croyle I have to ask you a question which is totally off topic, and then we'll jump back. And maybe this is a topic for another episode, but someone recently asked me, you know, they have dating apps for almost every niche anywhere. I mean, do they have specific dating dating apps? 01:32:32:16 - 01:33:03:04 Matthew They do. However, and this is not a not a lot of those people are older. A lot of those people are into weird fetish things. And so for I'm a younger person, I am 32, right? I'm not trying to date again, like not a knock. I'm not trying to date someone 52. And so, yes, there are, but the pool is not as vast, if that makes any sense. 01:33:03:06 - 01:33:17:16 Erin Croyle It makes total sense. And I don't see any reason why you wouldn't want to date someone without a disability. It doesn't make sense to have a separate app, but yeah, but that's to me, that's cutting down on the dating pool for you. 01:33:17:18 - 01:33:21:18 Matthew I honestly would go ahead with this and then I'll. I'll add again. 01:33:21:24 - 01:33:58:00 Lilith I'm sorry, it's very hard because I am not look any way looking for a life right now but when I get to that phase, if I am going into an area where people are more likely to fall in love with each other, I would not like if someone were to walk up with me, I would. To me, I would prefer them to say, If you want to go on a date rather than, Oh, you're so inspirational because it's ability, as sad as it is, that people don't see people with disabilities in a romantic way, they see them as inspirations or less nice things. 01:33:58:02 - 01:34:22:21 Matthew As somebody that is navigating that now, you're right. And Erin, I'm I'm on traditional dating apps like I'm on the bumble's of the world. I was on eHarmony for a while. I was on match for a while. And there are hurdles not to be completely got off topic of the conversation, but there are hurdles that are really, really hard to get through. 01:34:22:23 - 01:34:51:20 Matthew And here's the other thing. And I've said this to my therapist. I've said this to my parents. I've said this to a lot of people. I feel like my like I'm doing things now in the dating world that you would typically probably do in your early twenties. And so I have felt stunted by all of that because people when I was growing up again, I was like the best friend. 01:34:51:20 - 01:35:14:07 Matthew And you know, for a lot of people it's still the case because I am a genuinely gay. People don't often view me in a romantic sense. But what people don't know, it's like I'm going to treat you how you're supposed to be treated, right? And I'm going to be the best partner out there. But then the other element to that is there's more that comes with the relationship with me than than a traditional relationship. 01:35:14:07 - 01:35:31:05 Matthew So I don't want to get us too far down the rabbit hole. But yeah, it's a fun it's a fun thing to explore. And by fun, I mean, that's fun, but not fun. I mean, argh! But we're, we're doing what we can. 01:35:31:07 - 01:36:14:16 Erin Croyle Well, I love a good Segway, and actually, I think is the perfect Segway because you mention hurdles and I'm thinking about how we view disability in this society and how it impacts people in lack of understanding impacts everything from dating to universal design to how we build structures. A lot
Why We Need More Than Inclusion
Jun 9 2023
Why We Need More Than Inclusion
Reaching full potential. Becoming independent. We want these things for our children. For kids with disabilities, providing the assistance they need while trying to achieve these goals is like walking a tightrope. Help from even the most well-intentioned people, often is not helpful. It’s not just educators, parents unintentionally hold their children back as well.  Dr. John McNaught has made it his life’s work to reshape how we teach students with disabilities. Early on, he realized parents need to be educated too. The lesson plan: SELF-DETERMINATION.  He has witnessed first hand the transformation that happens when you give children the tools to make decisions for themselves. He has watched students move from self-contained classrooms, to general education classrooms, and onto college campuses.  Take a listen and learn how powerful self-determination and meaningful inclusion can be when done right.   The Odyssey: Parenting. Caregiving. Disability.    The Center for Family Involvement provides informational and emotional support to people with disabilities and their families. All of our services are free. We just want to help. We know how hard this can be because we're in it with you.  You can learn more about I’m Determined here.  You can read the research article Dr. McNaught’s mentioned about struggles students face because they don’t understand their disability here.      TRANSCRIPT Welcome to The Odyssey. Parenting, Caregiving, Disability. I'm Erin Croyle, the creator and host. The Odyssey podcast explores the turn our lives take when a loved one has a disability. My first child was born with Down's Syndrome in 2010. His diagnosis hit me like a freight train. It's the most common chromosomal condition diagnosed in the United States. Yet so little is known. I was a new parent with a newborn son who was the first person I ever met with Down syndrome. I had so much to learn. So I started right there next to him in the neonatal ICU. Now I'm here working with the Center for Family Involvement at VCU's Partnership for People with Disabilities. This podcast digs deep into the joys and hardships we face. We're going to celebrate how amazing the odyssey of parenting, caregiving and disability is. But we won't shy away from the tough stuff either. Something a lot of families struggle with are the many roadblocks our children face throughout their lives. These roadblocks are in our communities, our workforce, our schools, even in ourselves. Thankfully, more and more bridges to independence are being built for our children. One of those bridges is a program called I'm Determined. This state directed project funded by the Virginia Department of Education. Works with youth, especially those with disabilities, to help them steer the course of their lives rather than being the passenger. It's all about self-determination. The program isn't just for youth, though. There's a family component that helps parents learn how to better listen to and support their children. And there are resources for educators as well. Joining me today is Dr. John McNaught. he was one of the first people in Virginia to implement student directed IEP meetings. His focus has always been bringing the student voice to the forefront. He's also the founding member and principal investigator of the I'm Determined Project. so. John, I'm so excited to talk to you. I've known about I'm determined for years, but last year was the first time I was able to attend the summit working with its communications team. I have to be honest, while I've known about I'm determined for ages, it's hard to fully grasp what it's about without being there. I would love to start with you as a founding member. Summarizing, I'm determined in a nutshell, So in a nutshell, I'm determined is all about opportunities to practice self-determined behaviors in an environment that supports those behaviors. And so it's that simple. I think a lot of times we where we fail with self determination is we do a little bit of an instruction and we toss a kid into an potentially unsupportive or scary environment. And what if we approached life that way? What if the first time you drive a car, you know there's no instruction or there you read the manual and then you just get in the car and drive by yourself with nobody there. And so it's all about scaffolding supports providing that environment, right? You become competent in your ability to do things like advocate or problem solve, and you do it around people who are, you know, supportive. And that gives you the ability and the confidence then to go try that somewhere else like school. So that's how you know, in a nutshell, that's how I would describe it. There's a lot of probably 10,000 intertwining pieces that make that happen. But that's the best case. John, before we dive in deeper, there's something that kind of always intrigues me reading your full bio, right? I wonder what brought you to this place professionally. And I ask this because until I had my son, I was totally ignorant, to the struggles and marginalization that people with disabilities face. And by the time my son was one, I was then immersed in advocacy. my son, he's just opened up my life in this spectacular, fair way. So I now see all the room for growth in our educational systems, our workforce, our community that I wasn't aware of. So I'm really, really curious if there was an event or a person or something that put you on this path. Yeah. So there are multiple things. So I'll start with, know, I grew up in a small town. It was a kindergarten through eighth grade school and everybody knew everybody and it was an inclusive model. our football coach, his son, was an individual with Down's syndrome. He's the same age as us. Chris was his name was in all of our classes he was the manager of the football team. And, you know, he was just one of one of the guys. Right. and then we graduated eighth grade and we went to regional high school. And my mom was actually a teacher at that high school. And I can remember, like after about two weeks, you know, I probably wasn't even in two weeks realizing, Hey, where the heck is Chris? I haven't seen him, you know, in two weeks. And I remember asking my mom and I'm like, Hey, where's Chris? And she's like, What are you talking about? I'm like, I haven't seen Chris, you know, since school started. And she's like, Oh, well, you know, he's in the special ed program. And I'm like, All right, well, where is that? And, you know, I mean, you know the story, right down the hall, down the stairs, around the corner, next to the boiler. And that just kind of stuck with me as just not being right, not feeling right. He was such a part of our everyday life. And then it's like you don't even see the kid. that's how it was for four years, you know? I mean, we you know, we tried to, you know, break him out, but inclusive education was certainly not a thing. And social inclusion was definitely not a thing. And so that that kind of stuck with me. And then honestly, I did some volunteer work in college at a place called the Virginia Home for Boys you know, it was just a lot of kids would with different stories, but some of it was behavior related. Almost all of it was disability intersectionality of disability and and some other issues. 01:06:31:12 - 01:06:40:21 Unknown And, you know, just kind of watching them at such a young age like, you know, teenagers just in this home, residential, no choice, no voice. And it just kind of brought me back to this idea of Chris and then I graduated college and I didn't know what I wanted to do. And so I decided to hike the Appalachian Trail from Maine down to Georgia. And in the middle of that hike in Virginia, I ran into this group of kids from this wilderness school, and they fed me an and remarkably, one of the kids from the Virginia home for boys that I had volunteered with was a student in this wilderness school who recognized me. And so we started having this conversation and it turned out this was a school for, you know, kids with ADHD, emotional disability, learning disability. And they were there because they also had some behavioral issues. So they were either there because they had a problem in school, their parents sent them or the court sent them. And I was like, this is this is interesting. And we just kind of hung out all night. And so I got off, finished the trail and I was telling my dad how I didn't want to my major, what my undergrad major was business. And I was like, There's no way I'm going to work in business. And he happened to see an ad for a wilderness school. I go on the interview and it's that school and those kids are still there. so I started a week later. did that for three years, living out in the woods and eventually decided that, you know what I want to learn more about special education, went back, got a master's degree, and then went into teaching. And my first kind of foray into teaching was I was given a room. So I was working was I got hired as a teacher of students with emotional disabilities, and they gave me my first classroom and it was like, you know, I don't know, an eight by eight closet with no windows. And an A caseload of 25, but I had seven who were seniors who were 100% self-contained I was just like, wait a second, we're supposed to hang out in this room for 6 hours together by ourselves. So I was like, This is crazy. I don't think we're going to do this. I will never forget this. I thought this was such a great idea. I on the first day of school, I handed them all their IEPs and they said, What's this? I was like, Get your IEP. And they're like, What's an IEP? Whoa. Now I can start getting a little bit nervous. And then, you know, back in the day it was called emotional disturbance. So they see their name, they see the word emotional disturbance, and they're starting to get, you know, what the heck's emotional disturbance? Well, then they start reading the present level. And in hindsight, I probably should have read those a little more closely through a different lens. So they were super negative, right? It was basically summary of every bad thing that kid ever did and every, you know, And so they're starting to get upset. And I'm like, Who wrote this? And I said, This is my first day teaching. I mean, look at the back page, see who signed it. Like, I didn't write it. So, you know, we sat we started having a conversation and these kids didn't know they were in special ed and they had been in special ed since third grade. They're now 18 or 17. It's fall semester of senior year. And so I talked to the principal. I'm like, Yeah, we're not going to do this self-contained thing. We're going to these kids, This is crazy. And, you know, we moved to an inclusive model with the idea that if there's behavior problems that I'm going to have to deal with it and we're going to, go back to the old model. If we have to. And, you know, I just watched trying to give these kids some choice, and they were just so unwilling to take the leap because they'd been told what to do forever. And now they're 17 and some new young kids in their talent on that. They're in charge and they're like, I don't think so, man. Like, I don't you know, I don't trust you. I don't know you. I don't even know what to do and how to be in charge. it was a hard year. We made a lot of strides. But you cannot in one year make up for six years of, you know, self-contained education or lack of education. And so I was a little, you know, like, all right, we got to change this whole model. And then that that same year at the time we had what was called IEP Day. And so it's April and I had like 27 on my caseload, including and those kids were all graduating. So they didn't they didn't need I didn't need to rewrite their IEP, but 27 kids every IEP do on the same day. And you know, for anyone my age or older, you'll remember pre computers, we had the NCR paper. So each sheet of the IEP was like seven pages thick and you had to write really hard. That's right. Right. So, you know, I wrote 27 IEPs, I'll do the same day. And so then the kids would come to school until noon and then leave because it was a half day. And then we were supposed to schedule 27 IEP meetings from 1 p.m. to 9 p.m. like in every special. The teacher in the school is doing this. And so I was like, This is crazy, but okay, this is what we do. So we're going to do it. And I told the kids, I said, Look, if you come to your IEP meetings, I know I knew from asking them they hadn't done it before. You come to your IEP, meet me, I'll buy you pizza the next day. And they're like, Yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll see you there. So I thought they were going to show up. And so the day comes, they leave the meeting start. I've got administrators just walking in and out of classrooms, just signing their name and leaving. I've got, you know, parents who, you know, some want to sit down and have a meeting, but some just want to sign it and walk out the door. And out of 27 possible kids, I had zero show up. this is like a bad origin story. I was so annoyed at those kids for not showing up. Right? And so I go to school the next day. I'm like, I can't believe you didn't show up. What is the deal? I was going to buy you pizza. And they're like, they're like, Look, dude, school ended at 12? So let me just get this straight. You want me to come back to school? That which I hate? You want me to sit in a meeting with a bunch of people? I don't like so I can hear about all the things I can't do? They're like, No, thanks. And I'm like, WhatIf you had looked at the IEP, I wrote, but they had no say in it, right? They didn't. You hadn't even seen it. And so in hindsight, not a big shock. They didn't show up. So I said to them, out of out of frustration, you know what? Anyone who's not a senior, you're going to write your own IEP next year. I'm just not going to do it. And I just happened to go to a conference a month later and met one guy out of Northern Virginia, and he had this grainy VHS tape of this kid participating in his meeting. And I was like, Oh, this is a thing like, we're doing it like this is a thing. And so the next year I started what I called back then, student led IEPs. we went for it and we did it it was awesome. It was a lot of work, but it was a lot of relationship building and it totally changed. It changed the kids, it changed the parents, it changed the administrator perspective of the kids. It changed the general education perception of the students. it was really just this magic thing that they just kind of took off. And my wife was also a special education teacher at the time in the same district at a neighboring high school. And she started doing it and it started taking off. this is all kind of pre undetermined. Right. I'm a term wasn't a thing yet. so that's a long way of around how I got to coming up with this thing called undetermined John I just have to say what really strikes me in my heart as a mother of a kid with Down syndrome and as a person who helps other families, you know, do this, it is just like, wow, that was one student. This all started because of inclusion with one student back in elementary school. And I just think, so often, parents still have to fight to have their kids included. You know, they you have a certain code and automatically you are put in a self-contained classroom, you're segregated. And that argument that we still have to make constantly as advocates, which is, inclusion is better for everyone. students with disabilities do as well, if not better, and students without do as well, if not better. And your story is like this beautiful example of what a difference it can make. Just seeing someone with a disability in the same room as you. I mean, that changed your entire trajectory. It did. I'm floored. I just to me, it speaks volumes to inclusion and then to hear the stories, about the IEPs, that does not shock me. I mean, we're still at a place where a lot of schools,  you have to fight to have a student lead their IEPs. I mean, you know, I've been doing this now for 25 years you know, I'm finally I'm finally the old guy in the room who's like, we've been talking about this for 25 years. People like, come on, You know, I mean, I can remember thinking, oh, I'm never going to be able to say that, yet here I am. Like, we're still talking about getting kids involved in their IEP meeting, what's happening now we're trying to fight against, right, is that students participating in their IEP. It's it's awesome. It's a feel good moment, but it is not going to move the needle for the kid. Okay. It's a it's a once a year thing. What moves the needle for the kid is opportunities to practice being self-determined at home, in school and in the community on a daily basis. Right. And so that's where, you know, and you can still do still what? IEPs because it's fun and it's cool. Just can't be the only thing you do. And so it's all about those opportunities to practice. You know, I look at it now, you know, my lens now, 25 years later is, you know, I'm a researcher, I'm a teacher, but I'm also a parent of two high school girls, one of which has a disability, has ADHD, anxiety and OCD. And so I come at this through those three lenses. Right. And if you're only working on this stuff at school, it's not going to cut it, right? You've got to have families and teachers speaking in common language, working together, providing those opportunities. And I watched it with my own kid because, look, my my daughter is at the high school that my wife and I taught at. Okay. I know almost every teacher. I know all of the administrators. All right. She has a wonderful plan. I have all the privilege in the world. I mean, I am a white male with a terminal degree, and I have all the connections at the school. Right. You know how my kid gets accommodations? She advocates because when she wasn't advocating, it wasn't happening. And if it's not happening for me, right, then it's not happening for anybody, I can promise you. Right. Because if there's anybody's kid that should be getting it, they would be like, Oh, look, watch out for this guy, right? Make sure his kids are getting what they need, not the case. And so I'm like, all right, you know what? Then you're going to go do it. And luckily, you know, we've been raising her as a self-determining, self-determined child for so long. She was like, okay. and what a change. Like, what a change. Like, I haven't had to have one conversation in a year and a half with anybody because she's taking care of it. And that was my like, light bulb moment. Like, Wow, you got to put it in the hands of the kids. You do. And that's this is perfect is I want to talk about that more. I want to talk about I'm determined. And I think also the beauty of I'm determined, right, is one, it's an ongoing project. It's not just the summit, but also, you know, you work with kids who have disabilities, but those disabilities vary greatly. And I think a lot of times we talk about student LED IEP, but what about those students who don't have, traditional expressive language abilities, who have a very hard time communicating in a way that, non-disabled people understand? You know, my son is a perfect example. I have had him attend his IEP meetings since preschool I'm still working to have that participation be meaningful because that communication piece is just not there yet. So I would love to hear more about I'm determined and how you help kids of all levels and ages and all of it.   so.  Communication is like that's the heart of everything, right? And it's so hard being a parent. And I'm a parent with a degree in special ed and I still feel like I don't know, I don't know everything, but to I had to get out of this mindset of like, automatically looking at the teacher as the expert. Well, I'm not going to question right. Even myself and also understand you as a teacher. They don't necessarily get exposed to all of the resources that are out there, especially around communication. Right. Technology's changing every minute. And so a lot of the work we do is exposing teachers, kids and families to assistive technology because there is so much out there. Right. And not everything has to cost $10,000. Right? There are all sorts of apps or functional communication devices, speech generating devices. And what is so one of the things we did that I really love is is through I'm determined and a t tac in the College of Education at James Madison University is we opened up what we call the Accessibility and Inclusion lab where we've invested, you know, a quarter of $1,000,000 in technology and accessibility and we open it to free service teachers, in-service teachers, parents and kids. Let's say you have a kid who's strong, who's who's got some communication needs and you can't necessarily figure it out. You come to the lab and you can try everything, right? Because if the kid isn't motivated to use a device, it's not going to be a good fit. I've had kids weighing iPads across the room because they don't want the iPad. Right. And so it's a heck of a lot easier to come to us and throw our iPad across the room than it is for a parent to drop two grand on an iPad and then it's broken or a school division, whatever. every kid is different. Every need is different. And again, it's that opportunity to practice, right? So exposure and understanding that, not everyone's got the budget or the ability to bring all these pieces together for somebody to try. And, you know, that's one of the goals of the lab. So like, come in, explore it. And we've seen you know, we worked with a student, Chloe, who's an amateur one youth leader. She's actually about to graduate from VCU as a journalism major. She has cerebral palsy. She absolutely hates to use a speech generating device. Now, I work with Chloe all the time. I've known Chloe for almost a decade. I don't have an issue understanding her. But if you just met her, you're potentially going to have an issue. for Chloe, it was like it was all about speed, right? If I asked you if someone asked the question. Right. The fast processors can always answer first. If she's got to always type it into a device. Right. Especially if it's a kind of a antiquated device. They're already on six questions down. She's still trying to get her device geared for question one. There are question six, And so, hey, understanding that we got to find the right piece for her, but her also understanding that there's going to be times where, although it's not her preferred mode of communication, she's going to have to use something to get her point across. And that for her, that was a process that she really had to kind of come to. And then having her the ability to try all this new technology and be like, Oh, so I can have something preprogramed and boom, click and I'm right in it. it's sad sometimes. You see kids are still walking around with like, like a picture exchange communication system book, right? The thing weighs like 600 pounds. You know, you got to flip 80 pages to get to hamburger. I mean, I don't know how functional that is, right? I mean, are you going to be walking around with that thing in the community? I just think this idea of embracing technology and understanding that everyone has a desire to communicate, right. And if they can't do it verbally, they'll do it through behavior. we've got to find out where they are. I've had students lead IEP meetings with every disability you can imagine. one of my first years, I had a kindergartner with Down's syndrome, run his own meeting, show his PowerPoint. You know, I ran into the kid like two months ago. It's got a full time job at Costco. And I was like, Oh my gosh, oh, my gosh. She's I'm like, oh, he's got like a full beard. You know? I'm like, I remember you from kindergarten. it's accessibility in the ability to understand that these resources are available. We got know how to source them. And that's hard That's hard for families. That is I mean, you say JMU for those listening, that's in Harrisonburg, which is kind of central Virginia, beautiful town. And you mentioned TTAC. So I want to stop for clarity that one, if you can explain TTAC. But also the question is, do you know of other places that do a lab like this where where can people find something like this locally? So Virginia has a model where as far as technical assistance to schools for special education, we have offices at seven different state universities and we cover the entire state. We're free resource the schools. And so for Virginia, you know, that's great, right? There are some other universities in Virginia, George Mason, Virginia Tech, that all have access to these kind of resources. But the reality is, no matter where you are in the country, universities is where you need to look. if you're in New York, I'm looking at, you know, maybe Cornell, if that's the area of the state you're in, what is their special ed? You know, who's our special ed department head? What do they have to offer? Because, you know, in my experience, you're going to have a better chance finding it at a university than you are at a local school system. Right? I mean, local school systems are just not equipped for funding wise to create this kind of they can do it for individual kids potentially, but they're not going to have a room where you can try all these different devices out. as a teacher prior to coming to the university, that was not on my radar. Mike. I had no idea that that's where I should look. And so that's where I would start as a parent. That's good to know. So I want to move towards we've kind of gone everywhere, so let's go backward so we can go forward. So you start the student letter IEP process and then how does that kind of evolve into I'm determined, there was an opportunity for a job at James Madison at TTAC. I decided to interview for and I got it. about a year later I was 25. And then in 2006, we were tasked the Department of Ed, through the Tea Tax, were tasked with coming up with a solution to or post-school outcomes for individuals with disabilities. we did a bunch of research and some things we found out were that at the time in Virginia, kids were not attending IEP meetings. Kids did not know what their disability was. They couldn't tell you any of their strengths. They couldn't tell you any of their accommodations. They couldn't tell you any of their rights under idea. you know, we had poor for post-school employment outcomes, for post-school secondary education outcomes. based on that and in our research, we said, well, self-determination sounds like an area we need to dig deeper into. And at the time, Mike Meyer out of Kansas was doing a lot of research that we would kind of grasp on to. And then the second piece was we knew it had to be in the very beginning teacher friendly, and so it had to be something we had to create something that teachers could use quickly that didn't feel like a curriculum because they weren't going to do it. And so we brought in some teachers from across Virginia, we came up with what we call the three core tools of I'm Determined. So you got the one pager, which honestly is just a simple way to come up with strengths, preference, interests, needs. We created the goal plan because another piece of that data was that kids had they didn't have short term goals. They didn't have long term goals. There was no real goal setting going on. So the goal plan and then the Good Day plan, which was just simply like, what's going on now? You know, or what happens on it? What on your perfect day, what happens? Is it happening now? What needs to happen to fix it and who can help you? And those were three easy tools and everyone loved them  and they jumped on board. And then I got to focus on, okay, as a result of these three tools, let's keep this student let IEP train. And I started moving, right? And so we brought in some professional film crew and just started making movies of kids leading IEP meetings, kids talking about their disability, understanding what their strengths were general education, teacher, special education, teachers, administrators, parents. Right. And honestly took I'm determined from from the nine pilot schools we started with in 2006 to, all the school divisions in Virginia, plus over 40 states that I've worked with over the past. You know, however many years has been the video storytelling. Right. Because people can see themselves in the stories. And that's powerful. And they want it. They want to see it, to believe it kind of thing. focused a lot in the beginning on driving around the schools in Virginia and shooting video, that was probably, you know, I don't know, maybe the first ten years of work. And then with that, this idea started in the year two. Okay, Well, that's the teachers now. We got to hit the kids directly. And so we came up with this idea of a summit. And so the very first summit, it was just a youth summit. And we had 15 kids with disabilities from across the state. And had kids with L.D., kids with autism, kids with Ida. And, you know, we had one kid who was the leader she ran this this two and one half day summit. And the whole time I couldn't get rid of the parents. So the parents are sitting outside our doors trying to, like, poke their head in, see their kids, okay. And they're driving me crazy. And and I wasn't a parent at the time. Okay? My wife was pregnant with our first kid, I couldn't really know why these parents are killing me and my colleagues. Like, we need to do an event at the same time for the parents, I was like, Man, I don't want to do that. That's going to be a pain in the butt. And she's like, It's going to be easier than this. And I'm like, All right, let's do it. And so the next year, five of those kids from the original summit came back as the leaders, we we said, All right, parents, we got something for you, too. And we went from like, you know, a summit of 15 to 20 to 50. and we found that and the parents had so many questions, right? So many questions around disability, around opportunity, around just navigating school and life and these these parents formed this like, support group outside of us back in the times everyone's using Facebook. The youth formed their own support group on Facebook and left us out of it. you know, we did another year of 50 and then next year we're at 100 and 150 you know what I found with parents? And this kind of speaks to why we really try to get a wide array of individuals with disabilities as if my kid has ADHD. I want to hear from another parent whose kid has ADHD. And if my kid has Down syndrome, I want to hear from another parent whose kid has Down syndrome. And at first I didn't totally understand it, but I kind of get it more now because it's just that like they can totally relate, And so we made sure that we had a wide range so that everyone had. if I'm if my kid is, 13 and just kind of going through it and I can run into a parent whose kid is now 19 or 20 and they can kind of tell me all the hoops they jump through and all the barriers they broke. For the parents, they can see the light and they learn some tricks for the kids, This is the crazy part. Every time a kid came to the summit and I wrote a whole article on this, they they'd say, I thought I was the only kid with L.D.. I thought I was the only kid with dyslexia in the world. I thought I was the only kid with intellectual disability in the world or autism. And then I come and I meet all of these other and this kid's got the same disability as me, and they're in college. Like, I can do that. That's a thing. And it just started right. The ceiling, just their own ceiling started raising. And so then we knew at that point, okay, we got the kids, we got the parents, we've got the special ed teachers. Now we got to raise the general led ceiling. you know, if I
How to Survive and Thrive in Motherhood
May 12 2023
How to Survive and Thrive in Motherhood
There is no crystal ball to give us insight into what parenting a child with a disability is like. But conversations with Lisa Richard sure come close.    Lisa is a mother to seven children ranging from ages 18 to 30. Two of her kids have Down syndrome.    Lisa's honesty and insight is refreshing. She is the first to affirm how hard the early years are and will NEVER tell you that you'll miss those days. She's seen first hand that while early intervention and therapy are important for our children, it only does so much. It's OK to do less, to slow down, to just take a moment to take the caregiver hat off and be a mom.    Almost every parent I've talked to who has a child with a disability says that they are a better person because of their child. Lisa is no exception. She also sees how that experience has shaped the lives of her other children in amazing ways. And she shares how her children's disabilities are making her better at her newest role as a grandmother!   This interview with Lisa is our Mothers Day gift to you.    The Odyssey: Parenting. Caregiving. Disability.    The Center for Family Involvement provides informational and emotional support to people with disabilities and their families. All of our services are free. We just want to help. We know how hard this can be because we're in it with you.  https://centerforfamilyinvolvementblog.org/family-to-family-network/   TRANSCRIPT:  Speaker 1 (00:00:07): Welcome to the Odyssey Parenting Caregiving Disability. I'm Erin Croyle, the creator and host. Speaker 1 (00:00:19): The Odyssey Podcast explores the turn our lives take when a loved one has a disability. My first child was born with Down Syndrome in 2010. His diagnosis was a shock. I had some idea of what motherhood would be like, but parenting a child with a disability, not a clue. It put my life on a completely different trajectory. Working with the Center for Family Involvement at VCUs, partnership for people with disabilities, we provide children and adults with disabilities and their families with emotional and informational support. Instead of returning to a newsroom, I now utilize my journalism skills to share stories about what it's like living with a disability in a society that has yet to accept, understand, and celebrate it. This podcast digs deep into the joys and hardships we face. We celebrate how amazing the odyssey of parenting, caregiving, and disability is, but we don't sugarcoat it for our Mother's Day special. I just had to talk to Lisa Richard. She is a mother to seven children. Two of them have Down Syndrome. Not only is she my colleague at the Center for Family Involvement, she is someone I have long looked up to. Most of her kids are adults now, and not once has she done the whole, you'll miss it someday bit. That is such a slap in the face for those of us struggling to just get through the day. Speaker 1 (00:01:45): Lisa, you are the absolute perfect person to have on for this Mother's Day special. Your perspectives really grounded me through some frantic times, and given that, I wanna start with you telling me and our listeners, if you could go back in time and sit with your younger self ahead of having your first child, what would you say? Speaker 2 (00:02:05): Well, first of all, Erin, thanks so much for having me. I'd really appreciate you inviting me on the podcast today. You know, it's such a significant question. I mean, the first thing I mean, is I would tell myself this journey is gonna turn out just to be more amazing than you ever imagined in ways that you never imagined. You're gonna have to learn a lot. You're gonna have to change your worldview on pretty much everything. But, uh, it's, it's gonna be okay. And it, it has been, it's been better than okay. I mean, my, my life now, um, despite it not turning out in any way that I thought it would is, is just really remarkable. And, and I owe a lot of that to the work that I get to do every day. And the children that I get to parent, Speaker 1 (00:02:54): I feel the same way. I, I can remember vividly when my son was born and we didn't know, and all of a sudden, you know, the Down Syndrome diagnosis was there and I was so worried, you know, I just was like combing through everything I could read, and I was devastated. But deep down, I knew it was gonna be okay. I just had to ask people around me to give me space to mourn and grieve and, and wrap my head around the fact that this is completely different and this child is gonna need me their entire life. I mean, you are kind of in that point. Um, can you tell us a little bit about your kids and how old they are and where you are in your life? Speaker 2 (00:03:39): Y you know, it was a very similar experience for me, Erin. I, I did not know. Um, Zoe is 30 years old now, and in a couple weeks she'll be 31. And so when she was born, she was our first child and she was the first gen child, uh, grandchild on both sides 30 years ago. This was considered to be a very traumatic event, and I'm not saying that might not still be for some people today, but back in the day, this was when the life expectancy was still 25 years old and children were not getting life saving surgeries that they needed when she was born. Um, my worldview and, and the one that I was brought up in was that, you know, your intellect is everything. Whatever you don't have in this world can be made up with trying hard and, and having smarts and, and really pursuing and achieving. Speaker 2 (00:04:33): And so to have a child that sort of instantly deflated that worldview was so overwhelming to me, I completely shut down and was pretty much shut down for about six months. And I mean, that's a whole story in and of itself. They sent a nurse home with me. They were very nervous for me, but I was asked if they wanted, if I wanted to put Zoe in an institution, um, wow. At that point. And, uh, we had decided no, but things got increasingly better as I just started to fall more and more in love with her. I mean, admittedly, I would go out in public and try and hide her because people would say things to me and had some very cool things said to me when she was just a small baby. Um, but as I realized that I was being put in a different situation, I just kept thinking about how can I look at this differently and how can I look at her differently? Speaker 2 (00:05:33): Anyway, I mean, that's a whole story in and of itself. And we've talked about, I ended up pursuing, uh, toys or us had just decided to start using children with disabilities. And I went to a place that said that they did modeling head shots like this, you know, cheesy place. We lived in Connecticut at the time, and you know, she was 18 months, and I just thought she was the cutest thing in the world, and I felt like the needed to recognize that our children were more alike than they were different. And they refused to take her headshot. They wouldn't do it. And we got into this big argument about it, and I just said, well, what would the process look like if we did do it? And they said, well, you know, they explained it. And I said, well, let's pretend she doesn't have a disability and do it anyway. Speaker 2 (00:06:17): And I said, it's their grandparents' money. Just spend her grandparents' money. What's, what are you hurting? Of course, literally within two days we had gotten a call from toys and she was in the first ever catalog that they did. And it was at the time. It was specifically for children with disabilities, but it was really groundbreaking at the time. And so that really started my advocacy in recognizing that if I spoke up and, and I was able to really possibly change a worldview that I felt like had been correct for a while. And I ended up, oddly enough, Erin, because I'm pretty much of an introvert, but I ended up with this group of women that I don't even know how it happened, but it was when I first recognized that if you were with people that were in similar situations, it could just quite possibly save you. Speaker 2 (00:07:09): And I, I don't say that, you know, lightly. I felt like it did. And there were three other women in this group that had just had babies with Down Syndrome. And so just to, we all had different experiences. Some were having heart surgery or looking for it because their hospital didn't offer it to babies with Down Syndrome. They were possibly just being monitored. But having and knowing people that were like me made all the difference after a lot of, um, for us thought and prayer, we ended up deciding to have another baby, and then we had a, a third child after Delaney. We thought possibly our family was complete at that point. And then we made the decision to adopt a baby with Down Syndrome. We heard about a baby in Connecticut that had been left at the hospital after his parents found out he had Down Syndrome. Speaker 2 (00:07:59): And, um, we had the good fortune to adopt Camden. But, you know, at this point, I don't want listeners to like think it was so rosy and exciting and like, I just loved being a mom to a kid with Down Syndrome so much. It, it was more about, um, just for me and for other people recognizing, gosh, their value and they're fun and their, but I was really nervous about it. I was terrified. In fact, in fact, every day I was like, why am why am I doing this? This was probably the most insane thing I've ever done because Zoe was relatively healthy and Tim had multiple health issues. And, um, he had a family that was very devastated. It was an open adoption. So I knew I was inviting like another family into our lives. Berkeley at the time was only eight months old, and so just even the thought of it, Zoe was only six and Delany was two and a half. Speaker 2 (00:08:58): And, and so bringing this other baby, and there's a picture of me with all four of them on my lap, , and I just look about as terrified and nervous as any human, um, ever. And so Cam seamlessly just like moved into our family. And then about, uh, three and a half years later, we found out we were expecting twins. So that was a real surprise. And, and then three years after that we had my daughter Sarah. So right now there's 12 years total between all seven. Zoe is 30, and then my youngest Sarah is 18, and she's just about to graduate high school. Speaker 1 (00:09:39): Wow. When you were speaking, I automatically had two questions, but I wanted to wait. One what? I can't imagine, what would someone say about a baby? I mean, my son has gotten looks and it just makes my blood boil. But what, you've mentioned someone saying something about Zoe as a baby. Speaker 2 (00:10:01): Oh, yeah. Well, again, because of the time 30 years ago, I had a woman approach me in a bathroom, uh, once at a restaurant. We had her, she said to me, um, that, uh, she hoped that if this were to happen to us again, we would make a different decision and not to have the baby. I just was like so shocked. I remember I didn't even say anything to her. I've never forgotten it and have gone through my head all the things that I would say to her now. But, you know, more or less, she just basically told me Zoe had zero value and no worth, and, and that I should, if possible, prevent it from happening the second time. That's Speaker 1 (00:10:44): Shocking though, because 30 years ago is still, I'm not great at math, Lisa, so, but tell me, nineteen ninety, ninety two, Speaker 2 (00:10:53): She was born Speaker 1 (00:10:54): 1992. I mean, for you and I, okay, it's 30 years, but that still feels pretty modern to me. Yeah, Speaker 2 (00:11:01): Right. No, I mean, yeah, we're not talking 1950s or sixties. Um, yeah, no, it was, and it even surprised me and people would just make comments under their breath, different things that they would say about her. I noticed it mostly in the first three months, but partially because I was listening. I mean, you know, after she was six months old, I didn't care, didn't listen, took her out, and was really proud of her and excited to kind of, you know, what, I almost treat as this new learning experience with her, like this opportunity. But I mean, I have grieved for her at all different stages of life. Mm-hmm. when her older siblings learned to drive, and I knew she never would, and they started to leave the house. And, um, I knew she wouldn't be leaving anytime soon when they started college. Um, just so many experiences that possibly some young adults get to experience with Down Syndrome, but Zoe did not and Kim did not. Speaker 2 (00:12:06): And so it's, it's an interesting thing how you feel like you're in a good place and then all of a sudden a life event will happen that makes you realize how different your situation is from everybody else. And sometimes it's a life event in your own family, and you're excited for that child to go and do and learn and drive and get their first job at 16 that, you know, all my kids did. And those weren't, you know, the similar experiences for Zoe and Kim. And so that sadness, you know, in the back of your mind, there's always that little bit of sadness that I don't know that I wish things would've been different, but I wish the world was different for them, that people were more accommodating and wanting to hire them. And all the things that, you know, the difficulties that we face with them since they've become teenagers, I mean, we're, we're in a really pretty good place now. Um, but that doesn't mean tomorrow I might be sad all over again. Speaker 1 (00:13:12): You and I have talked about this before and I think that most people listening who can relate to these situations, we do. We know those waves of grief. It, it's at the first diagnosis or another comorbidity, those dual diagnoses that we so often see with one disability or, I know I personally have a really hard time with my brother's son who's almost the same age as my son. And just seeing milestones and things that just will never be, it was harder earlier. Now it's easier, I guess. But it's interesting because when you mentioned finding space like a safe space with those friends who also had kids with Down syndrome, that's why I find myself gravitating towards friends that also have kids with disabilities because it's just such a different experience. It's a safe space for me where I know if we're hanging out with our kids and they do something that isn't, as you were saying, accepted by society, we can just not, we look at each other and we understand. Speaker 2 (00:14:20): So true, so, so true. I was recently at a wedding with Camden. He was standing in the back with his headphones on just rocking out, which I, you know, would typically let him do. But because we were at this function, I knew there were people videotaping. And I just got that sense of like, my gosh, instead of letting him be, I was like, how do I make this better? How do I fix this? Like this worry that I'm putting other people out, which I usually don't feel, but this event, you know, it was a wedding and um, I walked up to him and, and he just was, you know, singing and . I just was like, well, do I say something? Do I not say something? You know, I ended up kind of tapping him on the shoulder and told him he needed to be a little quieter. Speaker 2 (00:15:11): And you know, again, it's just like, because I could see everybody staring at him and I don't know, there's just so many different experiences. I have a million of 'em. Some have been really interesting ones and some I would laugh off now, but it's been a real journey with the both of them. It's not easy, but I'm a better person. I'm grateful every day for what I've learned for the people I've met. I've just met all kinds of people I would've never known, just been involved in things I would've never been involved in. I mean, it's, it's truly been life changing, but, but it's been hard. Speaker 1 (00:15:45): Yeah. And I wanna, I wanna dive into that a little bit because like I mentioned in our intro, you so often remind me and where we work, everyone has a loved one with a disability. You remind the parents who have younger kids, it gets easier. These years are hard. Don't feel like you need to look back on them as if they were great because they're so hard. So let's talk about those hards. I want to hear about the hards and also the loss of joy of parenting we get, because those societal expectations put on us as soon as our child's born, they enter early intervention, which is amazing, don't get me wrong, but in a lot of ways there's still this fix your kid mentality instead of Yeah. Instead of just letting them be. And you've often used the example of being able to see your oldest Zoe and then Cam, and how all the therapy in the world, it doesn't always matter. So I'd like to hear more about the hard and the societal expectations, but also how society makes us lose out on, on those joys.
Siblings Day Special!!
Apr 8 2023
Siblings Day Special!!
Every April 10th our social media feeds are flooded with throwback photos in honor of Siblings Day. It may seem like a stunt to keep us scrolling, but it's much more than that. In fact, there is an ongoing effort to get the United Nations to officially declare it "International Siblings Day."    Siblings Day hits differently when a brother or sister has a disability, especially one that comes with medical complexities. The dynamic looks nothing like the stereotypes we've come to know. In some houses, the big brother/sister role might be blurred. In others, a sibling might have to pitch in with caregiving.    Try as they may, although there is always more than enough love to go around, it's nearly impossible for parents to distribute their time and attention evenly.   That's why we're dedicating this episode to the siblings that we see go above and beyond every day. The young people joining us understand empathy and patience better than most adults.    Take a listen, you might learn something.    The Odyssey: Parenting. Caregiving. Disability.    The Center for Family Involvement provides informational and emotional support to people with disabilities and their families. All of our services are free. We just want to help. We know how hard this can be because we're in it with you.  https://centerforfamilyinvolvementblog.org/family-to-family-network/         TRANSCRIPT Speaker 1 (00:07): Welcome to the Odyssey. Parenting. Caregiving. Disability. I'm Erin Croyle, the creator and host. The Odyssey Podcast explores the turn our lives take when a loved one has a disability. My first child was born with Down Syndrome in 2010. His diagnosis has taken my life on some unexpected and spectacular turns. (00:36): This wild ride has brought me here, working with the Center for Family Involvement at VCU'S Partnership for People with Disabilities. This podcast digs deep into the joys and hardships we face. We celebrate how amazing the odyssey of parenting, caregiving, and disability is. But we don't sugarcoat it. The challenges are many, most of them because our society has yet to fully accept or understand disability. You know who does seem to get it though? The siblings. That's what I've seen in my years of being a mother and a disability rights advocate. And I see it in my own house with my son's younger brother and sister. In fact, my 10 year old a Emil is the catalyst for the Siblings Day special. A Emil's understanding and empathy of the human condition is greater than most adults. I know (01:31): You may be aware of Siblings Day. It's observed in the United States on April 10th. And while a lot of us see it as sort of a social media stunt to post pictures, it's much more than that. Three US presidents have recognized the day, most recently, president Barack Obama in 2016. There is an ongoing effort to get the United Nations to officially declare an international siblings day. Now, when I think of Siblings Day, I think of the guests I have here today, Dean Rigdon, Neela Chatterjee, and a Emil Croyle-Sheire. All of these young people have a sibling, not just with a disability, but also with significant medical needs. I am so excited you're here. Welcome. Uh, I wanna say that I am sharing a mic, and so my son a Emil is a little fidgety, so if you hear a little background noise, that's it. I wanna start with each of you telling us a little bit about yourself, your age, your life, you know, maybe what grade you're in, what you love to do, share kind of your family dynamic for us. Dean, why don't we start with you since you're the oldest. Speaker 2 (02:38): Oh boy, I thought you'd say that. Well, I'm Dean. I'm a senior in high school right now. I enjoy, I guess Dungeons and Dragons. I enjoy, um, swimming. I enjoy writing too. I'm a writer, family dynamic. Oh boy. I mean, Penny's awesome. That's my sister. I also have a brother, so they're 14 and 12, both younger than me. I am the oldest. Um, we didn't have Penny until I was about four, so I do actually remember that. Um, Speaker 1 (03:10): Dean, can you just tell us, uh, I know Penny, I'm lucky. I wanted to have people here that I knew so I could kind of help with questions, so I know all of these kids well. So Penny is your sister and she has Down Syndrome and some other medical needs. Are you comfortable describing those? I mean, they're no one's business, but if you feel like you wanna give a little background, you can or you don't have to give any Speaker 2 (03:32): Yeah, I can. Uh, even just recently there's also been a lot of developments. So she has Down Syndrome, which she's had for, you know, her entire life. That's how that works. And then, uh, she's also had, was diagnosed with Type one diabetes three or four years back, so type one diabetes. Uh, and more recently also diagnosed with, uh, celiac and Alors Danlos, like connective tissue disorder. So a lot of stuff recently that we've been dealing with, so. Speaker 1 (03:59): Okay. And I wanna, we're gonna dive a little deeper into that in a bit, but I wanna go next to Neela. So just a refresher. So I wanna know a little bit about you, maybe what grade you're in, what age you are. Uh, if you could tell us about your new pup and your brother. And if you want your mom and dad, it'd be great. Speaker 3 (04:17): I'm Neela. I turned 11 about a week ago. I'm in fifth grade. And um, my brother is Oliver. He's 15 and he was born with cerebral palsy. So he uses a wheelchair. He can't walk. He uses an iPad to, um, communicate and talk. And he is chin fed. In, um, August we got a new dog named Rocket. He's a Bernadoodle and he's six months old. And some things I enjoy. I like climbing, I like, um, I like drawing and writing and I like swimming and stuff. Speaker 1 (05:03): Uh, next up I'm moving the microphone over to my son, a Emil, a Emil. Do you Speaker 4 (05:08): Remember the questions or do you want me to repeat them? Can you repeat them? So Emil, I want you to tell Speaker 1 (05:12): Folks how old you are, what grade you're in, the things that you like to do, and then describe, uh, maybe the family dynamic, your Speaker 4 (05:20): Brother, your sister, your dog. Uh, my name's am Emil. I'm 10 years old in fourth grade. Uh, my hobbies are swimming, reading, a lot of reading. Uh, my brother Arlo, he was, he was born with Down Syndrome. I, I was born at least two years after him. Arlo is usually dis kind of disgusting. He lick my face unannounced. Uh, it's a lot of random stuff and he repeats movies over and over again. I'm not sure what else to say about Arlo, but Speaker 1 (06:05): Can I push back on disgusting? Yeah, because I observe it. So I, I do see Arlo lick your face, but um, I also see you kind of like, have fun with them and laugh about it. So can you tell me more, a little bit about how close you and your brother are? Speaker 4 (06:20): Uh, Arlo I, uh, are basically probably the most close siblings. My sister hates me and Arlo, she hates her guts. But, uh, me and Arlo have a lot more fun. We agree on more stuff and because I, I don't know what to say, either he actually has guts or it's because he doesn't really understand movies that well. I get to watch a lot of horror movies and he laughs at me when I get scared. So it's, it's fun with him around with him. Speaker 1 (07:04): I'll just add to that. So Arlo has Down syndrome, but he also has, um, he's immunocompromised, so he has to have infusions at home to boost his, uh, antibodies. He has hearing aids, he has glasses. We see lots of specialists. It requires a lot of travel in a lot of patience from a meal. And in defense of the younger sister Maya, who's not here, Maya is eight and they are, yeah, they don't really take any prisoners, um, and do not put up with much. And uh, it's an interesting dynamic here. I wanna move forward Now, you know, Dean, you touched on something a moment ago and I'm really curious, you know, with you being the oldest in your family and you being four when Penny was born, can you remember how things changed? Can you remember the feeling in the house when, when that was all happening? Speaker 2 (07:55): Yeah, actually I can, she was born like four days before my birthday, so she's the 23rd and I'm the 27th. And so we're right. So I remember walking into the kitchen on like the 23rd and it was our friend from across the street that was there. And I, I remembered that feeling of like, why are you here in the morning? Like, my dad's always here making like pancakes or something. And so he was there and he was like, I get a glass of water. And I was like, wait, what are you doing? And so she was back in the hospital with like jaundice for my birthday. So, uh, yeah, she's been in the hospital a couple times on my birthday actually, which she's been back with jaundice. Um, and what's the lung thing? Um, Speaker 1 (08:37): Pneumonia. Speaker 2 (08:38): Pneumonia, yeah, pneumonia. So that was uh, kind of scary, but yeah, I do remember that. Yeah. Speaker 1 (08:45): And Dean, what's it been like being the oldest brother? Because your brother Toby, you said it so it's like you're each two years apart. What's it like in that dynamic? Do you feel like you're more responsible? Do you feel like you've lost any of your childhood because of the dynamics? I mean, I want you to be really honest here. Speaker 2 (09:05): I think definitely I'm the more responsible one for sure. I don't mind. Um, I kinda like it. It's uh, we still have fun. I still get to enjoy being, you know, a kid. I'm never gonna lose that for sure. But like, I guess me and Toby have always kind of had a, you know, we're the brothers kind of dynamic duo thing and Penny's always had different interests than us, so we certainly made her more. We, we've, she's been, she's done a lot of things that have been modeled after us, I guess. Speaker 1 (09:38): That's really cool. Nea, I'm gonna move on to you and I'm gonna ask this question. I, I wanna say like, I have the perspective of a parent I see in my own house with a meal and Maya like sometimes the expectations that I have to put on them, like the responsibilities because of their older brother's needs are a lot for a younger sibling. And so Mila, do you feel like you have to be put on the back burner when, when your brother's needs are many? Can you talk about that and how that feels and, and what you experience? Speaker 3 (10:09): Yeah. Um, I don't know. My brother needs like, so much like, um, he like, um, he's like a lot to take care of. He's so much work and my parents have to be like with him all the time. So that's kind of hard. Like I don't get a lot of time with them and like, I don't know. Yeah, like I feel like a lot of this stuff is about oie. Speaker 1 (10:39): Mm. Thank you Mila. I know that's a hard question. Um, and I can say as a parent that it's hard for us because we know that it's often not really fair. The amount of attention we have to give to one sibling as opposed to the other. And we wish it could be different. We really do. Mila, tell me if there's one thing in this world that you could change, if you could wave a magic wand, what would you change to make your life easier, your brother's life easier, your family's life? Easier. Speaker 3 (11:10): I would wish it was like, um, easier for him to actually do stuff with other kids cause um, and like get more like help with nurses and stuff cuz we don't have a lot of those and that's kind of hard cuz my parents have to do so much. Speaker 1 (11:28): Yeah, the nursing shortage and the medical staff shortage and that is a constant struggle and it's been made worse from the pandemic Dean, I know, you know, your sister's needs are many and I know because I've been with you that you've had to help monitor her blood sugar and do things. How does that feel for you? Is that a level of stress for you or do you just kind of go with the flow? What's that been like? Speaker 2 (11:51): I always go with the flow. That's kind of my personality. So I mean I, I definitely help Penny a lot. Like it's, it used to be like when she first got diabetes it would be hard for them to leave the house at all like ever. And so I definitely had to learn how to take care of her diabetes and how to, you know, take care of a lot of the issues that she has so that they could, you know, leave and go get groceries while my dad works or something like that. So now my mom feels a lot more free to go to meetings. Uh, there's a lot of stuff that, you know, she'll be able to leave me alone with Penny for sure now, but every time there's kind of a new diagnosis, there's a little bit of a period of learning. Speaker 1 (12:30): Absolutely. You know, Emil, I'm not even sure you remember a lot of the stuff with your brother. I'm gonna bring the mic back down since we're sharing, but I remember a, uh, a Christmas where Arlo
Why Are Summer Camps Inaccessible for So Many Children?
Mar 28 2023
Why Are Summer Camps Inaccessible for So Many Children?
Summer camp sign ups are well underway across the country. Parents and caregivers are scrambling to secure spots so they can work while their children make new friends, learn new skills, and have fun.    It's not so simple for the estimated 17% of children ages 3 through 17 who have one or more developmental disabilities. If a child needs extra support or even the smallest modifications for activities and access, the options become extremely limited and, in some cases, obsolete.    Jessye Cohen-Filipic and Cindy Lui are mothers, advocates, and professionals who have ran into road blocks both getting into and keeping their children in summer camps. They shared details of their struggles with The Odyssey.    Even better - they shared strategies for navigating systems, how advocates can support one another, what needs to be done to create meaningful change, and their hopes for the future.    Listen in and share your summer camp struggles and solutions with us. Perhaps there's a follow up episode in our future ...    The Odyssey: Parenting. Caregiving. Disability.    Need emotional or informational support from a parent who's been through situations similar to your own? The Center for Family Involvement can help. https://centerforfamilyinvolvementblog.org/family-to-family-network/   Check out Cindy Lui's TedX talk!  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mr_Fff6ZiXI   Inclusive Camp mentioned in episode: Melwood's Camp Accomplish https://melwood.org/recreation-programs/camp/camp-accomplish/         TRANSCRIPT: Speaker 1 (00:00:07): Welcome to the Odyssey Parenting Caregiving Disability. I'm Erin Croyle, the creator and host. (00:00:19): The Odyssey Podcast explores the unique journey we're sent on when a loved one has a disability. I started down this path more than a decade ago when my first child was born with Down Syndrome. Even though everyone knows what Down Syndrome is, we still don't know that much about it. And as a new parent, I knew absolutely nothing. My journey weaved its way here, working with the Center for Family Involvement at vcu U'S Partnership for people with disabilities. We provide families with emotional and informational support. This podcast does a deep dive into the joys and hardships we face. We celebrate how amazing the odyssey of parenting, caregiving, and disability is, while calling out the inequities that our children face, living in a world that still fails to understand and embrace disability. Today we're talking summer camp, that rite of passage, so many kids remember fondly that chance to get away from home and be with your peers, either for the day or overnight. (00:01:22): For many adults, though, summer camp is a necessity. School is out, and we need childcare for many, many weeks because we have to work and pay the bills. Even if families are lucky enough to have someone at home. Summer is this seemingly endless stretch of unconstructed time you have to fill. And even the most patient and seasoned child whisperer needs a break from time to time. The offerings for summer programming in most areas are many, for many children with disabilities, though it's Slim Pickens with sometimes no options, it's a heartbreaking reality that many parents and caregivers face and something both of today's guests understand because they live it too. And so do I. So we're going to get into this. Joining me is mother advocate and psychologist, Jessye Cohen, philippic and mother advocate and social entrepreneur, Cindy Lui. Cindy and Jessye, I'm so happy you're both here. We've talked about this over the years, and now we're able to really kind of tear it apart. I'd like for each of you to share some of the biggest challenges that you face. Uh, Cindy, can we start with you? Speaker 2 (00:02:36): Yeah. Hi everyone. Thanks for having me on. Um, I have to apologize in advance. I'm getting over a little cold zone if I sound a little stuffy. That's what it is. I am also part of the Down Syndrome community, and I have, uh, two children. You know, I think I begin the advocacy advocating for my, my daughter who has Down Syndrome, but recognizing that if she doesn't have equal access and equitable opportunities, it also affects my other child, my son. So specifically to summer camps. Your intro is so, it's so touching and moving, and it's also so painful to recognize that these, the summertime joys are not inclusive or not by design inclusive of, of kids with disabilities. And when it comes to education, for example, we talk about multi-tiered systems of support. It's really not that hard to implement that for summer camp, but I think many camp organizers assume that just allowing a parent to bring an aid is inclusion. And that really doesn't, doesn't really shift the culture or the mindset of the campers of the community integration approach, the holistic child approach. I've honestly decided not to do summer camps anymore. Um, because between the private ones and what's offered at Parks and rec inclusion is still the burden of the parent, and that's really hard. Speaker 1 (00:04:10): Yeah. And you know, we talk about burden here often, and I always wanna clarify, and you said it perfectly, but the burden is never the child. The burden is the societal structures that we're up against. Jessye, how about you? Speaker 3 (00:04:25): Yeah, thanks for having me. And you know, I know we're here to talk about camps and, and I will work hard to focus on that. But as I've said to you many times, right, this blurs, the lines are blurred between all forms of childcare and all forms of recreation. My daughter is nine and a half, and we had our first foray into summer camp when she was five. Again, out of necessity, she was in summer school. And summer school ended at, I think, noon at that point. And we needed something for the afternoons and literally fell apart on day one at the only option we had available to us. And, um, yeah, so, so echoing what Cindy said. So I don't find that there's even sometimes an opportunity for inclusion that, that I bear the burden of, right? So I find some places aren't even open to my bringing an aid, and that's if I can find an aid and pay an aid and re you know, retain someone to work. (00:05:20): But, um, I also have been really struck recently by what I I see as performative inclusion. So camps that specifically talk about being inclusive, and then I listen to their spiel and it says, we're really designed for the kids with a mild classification, or we're a camp for kids with autism who don't have any difficulty regulating their emotions. That speaks volumes to me about what they're looking for and about the ableism inherent in their criteria. And the other piece, I know we'll get into this, um, you know, my, my kid really wants friends. She, she near needs socialization. She needs socialization outside of the academic environment, which is challenging for her. Um, she's desperate to do it, but what I'm finding is as she gets a little bit older, there are camps that are inclusive if I'm willing to travel and pay a lot of money. But they're overnight camps. And I don't know that my child will ever go to an overnight camp, but she certainly can't go to overnight camp before she's had an opportunity to do a day camp. So I'm grateful that those places exist, , but I can't possibly make the leap from zero summer recreation to sending my child to another state overnight. It has been a, a perpetually frustrating experience. Speaker 1 (00:06:43): And Jessye, you you point something out that I, I always think is interesting because there are in some places, camps specifically designed for kids with disabilities and sometimes more significant disabilities. I know that I'm personally, like I have a really hard time with that because that is still segregation. And whenever you design special programming, you're setting everyone up to continue that on, not just the expectations for our own children with disabilities who think like they only belong with kids, quote unquote like them, right? But their non-disabled peers are not then exposed to what people are like outside of the vacuum they're put in too. And if we keep perpetuating that, and if we keep doing this, then what is gonna happen to our workforce? How will we fully include people with disabilities if we start segregating them in summer camp and like we do in our schools with, you know, self-contained classrooms? (00:07:42): But it's more than that part. I, I'm, I imagine you, but I'm not sure if our listeners have ever listened to or read N p r Reporter Joe Shapiro's report back from 2018 about people with disabilities and abuse. It touched on the sexual assault epidemic that no one talks about. I'll put the link in the description for this podcast, but everyone has to read this. And one thing that it pointed out is that people with intellectual disabilities are the victims of sexual assault at a rate seven times higher than those without disabilities. And I remember early on in my son's life, he's 12 now, my oldest has down syndrome. I have two younger children who are both non-disabled. So early on in my son's life, I was going to all these trainings and conferences, and I remember one of the speakers talking about, um, sexual abuse in our kids. (00:08:30): And he said, I want you to think about, not if this happens to my child, but when, and so when I think about summer camps or, you know, special programs designed for children with intellectual and developmental disabilities, I just, you know, I know that this might not be fair, but I think of them as sort of magnets for predators because people are aware that children with limited traditional expressive language are often an easy target With all of that, I'm curious how both of you feel about camps designed specifically for kids, um, with disabilities. Cindy, what are your thoughts? Speaker 2 (00:09:08): Um, first I wanna go crawl into a ball and, and, uh, have a cocktail because it is, uh, it is something that keeps me up at night. And then my advocacy work related to public safety and even education through K-12 on sex ed. It's an area that I, that that article that you pointed to specifically sits with me every day. So it, it's interesting too, because I can't help but mark the time in our, in our history where Judy Human died on March 4th and her whole revolution, the civil rights movement started with a camp on all of those individuals started going to a camp that was primarily for disabled individuals. But I think the difference is that it was also run and supported by individuals with disabilities cut to modern day. It certainly is a challenge because, you know, I always think of our kids having, having a long ramp of education and learning, and that involves socialization as well, understanding peers, understanding the sophisticated dance of peer relations, understanding their own emotions, and they are human beings and have natural sexual desires as well. (00:10:30): But understanding what informed consent means, which could be a challenge for the non-disabled individual. Mm-hmm. , I don't have any solutions, but I, I, I guess I, it is, it is a concern. And in that case, it sort of boils to access and privilege. If you have the privilege to be able to afford a trusted support person, caregiver behavioralist aid to be with your child, that is a financial privilege. But it also, the other side of it is access. Would there be a camp that is accessible even with all those systems of support? And again, the financial burden is on the parent. Um, you know, and Jessye mentioned something about performative inclusion, , which kind of got me on this, this summer camp thing. Um, and if I can just share a quick story of my experience of pre Covid summer camp, please. It was, it was a private camp that I went to, and within the hour they called me and said, you need to come pick her up. (00:11:36): And I said, why? Well, she's not going with other campers. Okay, well, what have you tried? Is it a physical inability because could we put her in a, in a trolley that other kids like this is the part of inclusion that's really not that hard. I she physically not able to keep up because she's not running yet, but could she be in a, a scooter that other kids would love to push and take turns sitting in? That would be inclusive solution. So I give that camp at least credit for trying. The second camp that I went to or was looking into to Jessye's point about performative inclusion, made all these statements on their website about social justice and the kind of training and d e I and, and I'm sure everyone in the room listing, like noticing when it's d e I work that doesn't include individuals with disability. (00:12:30): It's not d e I work mm-hmm. . And so I actually called and I said, I'm slow to share that my daughter has Down Syndrome, because that instantly closes doors to conversations. I said, you know, she does have a disability, but I wanna talk about how we can support blah blah. Three phone calls. The last one was returned and the, the camp owner said, we can't support her needs. And so he didn't even have the courage to talk to me directly. He went through his admin and I said, how does he know what her needs are? He's never met her, he's never met me. We've never been on campus. And when they said that, I said, great, can you put that in writing and send that to me? And when people don't wanna put it in writing, they know that they've done something wrong. Mm-hmm. (00:13:21): , and I'm not a litigious person, but thank God. And you know, the ADA A was passed, and we're talking about Judy Human a little bit. I filed a complaint with the Department of Justice. The Department of Justice felt that I had a viable complaint and offered to mediate, but it depended on the camp if they wanted to engage in that mediation. And they refused. And here in the states, the, the American Camping Association has put out guidance that there is no such thing as grandfathered in from the a away from the a d a, there's no grandfather clauses. So you do have to be compliant and work and discuss reasonable accommodations. But that clearly didn't happen because of ableism and bias. It's not a kind of camp that I would wanna send my child to when it truly is performative. And they're talking about how well they train, but they're not including disability in that conversation, or they're not even willing to engage in a parent who's willing to be collaborative. Speaker 1 (00:14:25): Jeff. I think that's more common than we realize. And I know that Jessye and I have talked about that, in fact. So Jessye, I'm not like I have a question posed, but we have this conversation, so I want you to go whatever direction you're feeling now and what you say next. Speaker 3 (00:14:41): So I, I realize there's one important piece of my personal history that I think I should share. And it leads to my next comment, which is that I'm ambivalent about, about specialized, specific camps. Um, I agree with everything that has been said, but I dream of the day when my kid could go to a camp where she'd meet other kids like her in some ways, , and they have a specially trained staff to kind of get her, um, if I think about it from a, a neuro divergent lens, like I would love that. But, but the important piece of my history that I'll share, um, so I was someone for whom summer camp was not a great personal experience. Day camp was fine. Overnight camp was a long history in my family, and I wasn't great for me. But I spent the very first summer of my life, uh, living in a closet of a cabin in, um, upstate New York. (00:15:33): My parents as, um, I guess during my, my parents' graduate schooling. And after they started a camp specifically for kids in this, uh, metropolitan area, who essentially kids who were classified, this was the early mid seventies classified as emotionally disturbed. We, of course, have luckily moved on from a lot of that, but kids with significant behavioral challenges who also were at risk of removal from their families and had involvement with various service agencies. So my parents, along with their friends who were these eager graduate students in psychology, started this program so kids, those kids could get a camp experience that was nurturing and positive and loving. So I grew up along with a couple of peers, like literally sleeping on a shelf in a closet so our parents could run this camp. The fascinating thing that they did at the time was that they then provided wraparound services through the course of the year. (00:16:30): It was really a very early model in sort of community psychology, which wasn't happening. And so they, they said, that's great. We can get these kids out to camp, but what's gonna happen when they go back to their schools and their families without support? And so they started providing some wraparound case management and support services and, and again, really sort of informed the future of, of good community psychology work. And my parents moved away from the area, but there are people, my parents' peers who are, you know, in their seventies who are still in touch with campers from that program 40 something years later. So that, for me was a very early model of a specialized camp that really was there to meet the individualized needs. And for those kids at the time, all of their other experiences were, were integrated. There weren't any other options. (00:17:20): And so it felt like a, a haven. So I guess in some ways I have this vision that someday my, my kid could have that haven could have a place. Um, but you're absolutely right that segregation is not inclusion. And you know, Cindy, when you were telling that story, very different experience for different reasons, but the same thing an hour into camp, you know, you gotta take your kid. It was so very clear to me that they just understood nothing about my child. But I've been told similar things like all, you know, and, and unfortunately, sometimes I don't play my cards close to my chest. And I'll say, you know, okay, my daughter has an autism diagnosis, and I'll hear immediately, oh, we can't meet her needs. Well, you, again, you don't know what her needs are. First of all, you have literally just heard a diagnostic category. (00:18:06):
How Having a Child with a Disability Transforms You with Jamie Bruen
Feb 28 2023
How Having a Child with a Disability Transforms You with Jamie Bruen
The moment you become a parent, your life is transformed forever.    For parents of children with disabilities this transformation is on a whole other level. For some of us, it's a defining moment where our life is split in two: before and after. Because we're not just parents anymore. We're caregivers.   The end to that caregiving role isn't after high school or college or when our child moves out. It's for life. And the heartbreaking reality is that we're caregivers until we die or, the unthinkable, our child dies before us. That part is rarely talked about because it's so painful, but also because the joy and honor of being our child's caregiver overshadows it.    Jamie Bruen bravely opened up to The Odyssey about all of it. Who she was before she was a mother. The trauma of her son Liam's birth. The amazingness of who Liam is. The beauty of the family and community that surrounds her. And the evolution of her existence from a war veteran to an adaptive physical education teacher, to a mother and caregiver, and now a professional baker.    Her journey is a powerful one, her story is worth every second of this nearly 90 minute listen. Join us.   The Odyssey: Parenting. Caregiving. Disability.   Need emotional or informational support from a parent who's been through situations similar to your own? The Center for Family Involvement can help. https://centerforfamilyinvolvementblog.org/family-to-family-network/     You MUST take a look at Jamie's cookie and cake creations!!   Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/sweetgratitude   Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sweet_gratitude_bakery/   Email: sweet.gratitude.bakery@gmail.com     If you want to learn more about Jamie's nutrition coach, you can check her out here. BONUS: Anyone who mentions the podcast gets a discount! https://www.rdnutritionandwellness.com/    Tobaccology, the cigar shop Jamie raves about: https://tobaccology.com   Maggie Austin's sugar flower immersion class: https://maggieaustincake.com/products/sugar-flower-immersion   The Make-A-Wish Foundation:  https://wish.org     TRANSCRIPT: Speaker 1 (00:00:06): Welcome to The Odyssey: Parenting. Caregiving. Disability. I'm Erin Croyle, the creator and host. The Odyssey Podcast explores the unique journey we're sent on when a loved one has a disability. I started down that path 12 years ago when my first child was born with Down Syndrome. Arlo was the first person I met with what is the most common chromosomal condition in the United States. I was ready to be a parent, but I wasn't ready for this. No parenting book. No wisdom from the elders in my life had any insight on what it would be like to have a child who needed support for the rest of our lives. My search for answers and support brought me here, working with the Center for Family Involvement at VCU'S Partnership for People with Disabilities. We provide families with emotional and informational support that is so desperately needed. Our podcast digs deep into the joys and hardships we face. We're gonna celebrate how amazing this odyssey of parenting, caregiving, and disability is, but we're not gonna shy away from the tough stuff either. And today we're doing all of it with our guest who happens to be a family navigator with the Center for Family Involvement. And someone I'm lucky enough to call my friend Jamie Bruen. (00:01:22): Jamie, rather than formally introduce you, I want you to tell us who you are. Your life story is so compelling, and I've always been in awe of you. And like many of us, you're almost two completely different people. The one you were before your child and the one you became because of your son. Liam, why don't you start us off with who you were and what you did before you became a mother. Speaker 2 (00:01:46): Sure. Um, I honestly think my whole life I've kind of been trying to figure out who I am or where I kind of fit into the world. It took me nine years to get my undergrad, and in between that time I joined the Army Reserve. I did one deployment, went to Iraq when we, um, invaded the country. Um, but after that, I decided after my six years, um, and being overseas, that wasn't, not that it wasn't for me, but that I eventually would love to have a family. And it's hard on any parent, but especially a mother. Um, not that I had any near future plans of being a parent, um, single no way. But, you know, just thinking down the line and, you know, war's, war's, not fun. So I stopped and finished up and I, I eventually, I had my, um, undergraduate in health and physical education teacher and I decided to go get my master's in adapted physical education. (00:02:40): Um, the program was amazing, fully paid for, and a stipend. I wasn't sure if this is what I was going to actually be doing, but I figured, hey, if you can teach a child with different disabilities, everybody's on different skill levels cuz you could even have a child that does not have a disability whose skill levels are so poor that whatever you learn from working with people with disabilities that are stereotyped to having these horrible skills, it's gonna help because a good teacher should be able to target any child at their skill level, healthy, non-disabled. So it couldn't hurt and I wanted to go to UVA my whole life. So it was like a dream come true. So I did go get my master's in what a wonderful experience. The program was great. I loved working with the kids. Um, it was just amazing. But after I left, after I graduated, I should say I'd always wanted to live in Boston. (00:03:37): So I figured, hey, let's go up and teach in the city because I don't know what I'm gonna be teaching adapted pe but I'm guessing stereotyping that city schools are not fully funded. Kids are probably lacking in certain skills, so let's go for it. And I wanna live in Boston. So I did. I went up and taught elementary and middle school, pe um, and yes, skill levels all over the place. Equipment underfunding a lot of the stereotypes about the inner city schools, but also some of the most amazing kids. It was, you know, I can't say it was a great experience, but it was an experience and still have communication with some of the kids and parents from 14 years ago. And it's been fun to see a lot of them succeed. Um, but while my last year of teaching, I became pregnant, um, single mom and I was like, okay, I'm gonna do this. (00:04:34): I have a very supportive family. My first pregnancy, I was working full-time plus extra hours coaching and it was an extended school. So all the tests, everything came back fine. Looking back at it afterwards, I was like, oh, you know, there was no movement but I felt with a water moving around. So I was like, oh, that must be it. But I never had any of those kicks or anything like that. Um, and actually at one time I think they did a test in his marker came up that he could be positive for. He had a risk, he was at higher risk for down syndrome. And I was like, so you know, that's my kid. That's gonna be my kid. We're going forward no matter what because I'm connected to this child and he's gonna be loved. Little did I know that was not it. (00:05:18): Um, so his birth, I don't, I don't, this this population that I'm talking to you guys right now, listeners, you'll, you'll understand this. I don't really talk about this much with other people cuz it is a very, very hard topic. Um, his birth was very traumatic. Um, you know, my water broke a month early. Um, my brother-in-law and sister came over, rushed me to the hospital, took a while. His heart rate was going up and down. They tried to induce me. Um, he didn't come out. So we went in for the emergency C-section. Um, and when that came, when that came, I remember sitting there and just at that point before he's come out, the reality of everything hit me. And I was talking to the anesthesiologist saying, please let everything be okay. My sister's there with me and I'm holding her hand and I'm saying, please let everything be okay. They get Liam out. I hear what a beautiful head of hair. And then silence and he's just rushed out of the room. Um, it was Memorial Day weekend, so there wasn't much staff there. It was horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible. Um, I was, since the C-section, they brought him up to the nicu, you know, they had him intubated, they brought him to the NICU and I had the C-section and I couldn't, um, do anything. And I'm still drugged up. And the questions coming in were, what drugs have you taken? What have you done? And I'm sitting there like nothing. What's going on with my son? (00:06:53): What's going on with my son? Um, I didn't get to see him for a while. I forget exactly how long cuz everything was such a blur. Such a blur when I got up there. Most beautiful little boy ever. His head full of dark hair. Oh so much hair and not moving one bit. All these wires and tubes through him. And I just see this little kid sleeping peacefully and a Red Sox fan. Big Red Sox fan. And I remember sitting in there over his little, I forget what they're called, his little egg shell thing, whatever it is, plastic thing banging on it. Same please Liam, we'll take you to a Yankees game. Please, Liam, just move. Be okay. All you can, you can, you can, you can like any sports team you like, just be okay. Just be okay. I'm okay. So then we just had to wait. Um, the nursing staff were there was amazing. I think it took 48 hours for me able to be able to hold him where a nurse who had been like, I have a child with a disability. Have you held your son? And I'm sitting there saying no. She put him on my chest and I just held him and hugged him. (00:08:17): Uh, um, and it was most beautiful thing ever. And so there began our journey, um, not knowing what was going on. (00:08:32): No one could have known. There's no test for what he has. He was actually misdiagnosed. They did some a biopsy. They said he had a lot of glycogen storage, a glycogen buildup in his muscles. And um, they misdiagnosed him with glycogen storage Type four. I think there's no treatment. Um, there's no treatment for anything he was diagnosed with really. So not it would've mattered. But what I did was I, um, saw all his symptoms, how he presented what you needed to support with everything. I got online and I found congenital myopathies. Um, and the one that he seen the most, like was called mild tubular myopathy. N t ntm affects mostly boys. It can't be X-linked. So I reached out to them and they put me in touch with other people. Um, because now I had to go through the process where my son can't breathe, he can't move and he can't feed. (00:09:31): What am I gonna do? Am I gonna bring 'em home? Or was uh, they put it, was I gonna let him expire? Um, is just a horrible way of saying it. Horrible. Who the hell says that? That's awful. Mind you, this is not the nurses. Nurses are amazing. Um, so I mean in truth is, and saying Am I gonna let him. Are you? Because it would be nature taking its course. It's not letting you know, it's not, I hate that because this is the worst. This is an extraordinary situation with pressures on parents. Um, and just the way to say, to say it just puts different pressures on people and people have no clue. Um, but the m t m people got in touch with me. Um, and I started talking to people online, to people that had let their sons peacefully leave this earth. (00:10:30): And uh, one person in particular who had let one son leave instead of it was the worst thing she's ever done. Um, and then her next son she had who had the same condition and it's a hard life. It's a very hard life, but it was a harder life watching her son leave. It was the worst thing she ever did. And other people who had with their sons and felt that that was the correct thing for their children. Um, I even had one mom, her name is Erin. She's the most amazing woman in the world whose son was 12, I think about the same age as mine, who was at Boston Children's Hospital. He's so, like, he was so like Liam, come and visit me while I was in the NICU. And I remember I was so tired. I was like, I can't handle this. (00:11:15): I didn't answer her calls and she came with her son anyways. I wouldn't recommend that to most people for, unless you live our lives. Don't, don't go be busting on people's doors or doing anything , especially at that time. But I'm forever grateful. she will who passed away a year ago in February from his, my tubular, my apathy came and visit me in the hospital where she talked to me. I got to talk to him and see what life would be like real hand. Um, and the impact that has made on me was amazing. But I also did, um, have all the tests done to see what Liam's, well not tests, but just whatever they could do to see is Liam in any pain? Um, is Liam in any pain? Is he suffering? Cause he is. And he was. And he still is my number one. (00:12:10): Everything is for him. Um, and there was nothing, there was one time where I came in and his stomach was distended and they weren't sure if he was gonna tolerate his needs. Um, so they decided to give him a G tube, or do the do feeding through the g tube. And he was fine. And I, I don't know, it could have just been a bad day cuz he has been fed through his G-tube by mistake from nurses and he is been fine. But that time I was like, I don't know if my kid's gonna even be able to have nourishment. Um, but he was fine. Um, so after that we, he was in no pain. He was just the most peaceful sweet little guy. Um, and I talked to my family, being a single mom and uh, just the support. I was so blessed. My dad was like, we can do this. (00:12:58): We can do this. Not, not pressuring me, but we can do this. What do you want to do? And there I am thinking, okay, cause they're giving me all these timelines. What life's gonna be like. The doctors are telling me, I'm like, okay, it's gonna be a couple years. I can do this. Couple years. They're gonna tell me he's gonna die. And what they told me he had, no one had lived past seven months at that point, or very rare. There was only a couple people that had lived past seven months. And I'm like, you know what, if I've got seven months, I'm gonna make this the best. Um, oh boy that came into that seven month who was just like around there. It was just wow. Terrifying. Um, so I decided since as my mother's instinct, Liam was peaceful, happy. (00:13:44): I was gonna give him a chance of life and whatever. People who don't live our life say quality of life here. I had this mom whose son came in to see me talking to me about the beauty and these moms, they never soft coated it. I would, they would've never told me this was gonna be easy, never once to try to influence me. I was so grateful for that. I mean, I went into this knowing it was gonna be hard, not fully understanding cause I hadn't lived how hard it's gonna be. But I also had this amazing support from my family, online people. Um, I said, okay, I'm gonna do this little did I know what I was getting myself into. Holy smokes, what the okay, . Um, no regrets, trust me. No regrets. Um, so he was at the Boston for two months and we were actually able to have insurance pay for our flight down cuz my family lived in DC area, Virginia. And where he transferred Children's Hospital. And then we went to a hospital, they changed the name now, but it was called Hospital for Sick Children. Last time I looked, they, no, last time I looked they changed it to HSC, formerly known as Hospital for Sick Children. (00:15:03): I felt, I'm like, oh yeah, that makes it a lot better. And cuz he came early. I hadn't been, I'd been teaching, obviously I had my time off. I was able to go see him every day. Every day. And I had two…  one sister and another friend who lived up there, who were there, who came with me when I was in Boston. Mm-hmm. every day to the hospital pretty much every day. My mom drove up every day we were going in there, which was also crazy cause I was holding him. And I ended up having a blood clot a week later after he was born and having to call an ambulance cause I'm on the floor rubbing it, which is the worst thing in the world. Um, in my leg. A  DVT, um Right. I'm jumping around cause I already got to DC but now I'm back to Virginia. (00:15:41): I'm, I mean, as I already got to Virginia now I'm back to DC . Um, so that was also in there too with the emotional postpartum, everything. But we did get to HSC where he was there between Children's and HSC for another two months. He came home at four months. We had to, we had to have a nurse come home with us. She worked one night I think and said good luck and left . Oh wow. I know. Oh. So, uh, talking about nursing, as many of you all know in this home healthcare, the stories, whew. I, unfortunately, I have a very good network of three nurses. I could use a little more help. Two night nurses right now, and the one's been with us since that October. He came home in September and she started working that October. And she's been with us ever since. Speaker 1 (00:16:26): Are you serious? Speaker 2 (00:16:27): I am, but I also knew. Because she, she came in with a notebook, taking notes, walking around it, just her attention to detail. And I was like, Hmm. Then she … she talked to me later. She was like, I don't think I'm gonna be able to work because I need to be able to get home at this time to get my kids on the bus. But I said, okay, that's an hour earlier. We will be down. We will be down. You can leave earlier. Can you please work? And guess what, she's still here. Which, oh, sorry. Did you have a
Rare Diagnoses with Sarah Lepore, MSN, NNP-BC, Mother
Jan 31 2023
Rare Diagnoses with Sarah Lepore, MSN, NNP-BC, Mother
One of the hardest things families go through is when something seems wrong with their baby or child. When we envision becoming parents, the hopes and dreams we have usually do not include a disability. Socital norms focus so much on "healthy" babies that getting a diagnosis of intellectual or deveopmental disabilities shatters our preconceived notions of what being a parent is.  Then there are rare diagnoses. The ones that have no name. The ones that might require extensive testing. The ones that don't have networks of support like autism and Down syndrome do. So on top of the parenting curveball you've been thrown, you're left with even more questions and almost no peer support.  That's why we had to talk to Sarah Lepore. Sarah has a Master of Science in Nursing and is a Board Certified Neonatal Nurse Practitioner. She is also one of the founders and the Vice President of the Smith-Kingsmore Syndrome Foundation. And of course, she is a parent and a caregiver. She's going to tell us about how her own odyssey with her youngest son Charlie brought her to us.  The Odyssey: Parenting. Caregiving. Disability. Click here for more about the Center for Family Involvement's Genetic Navigator program.  For more about the Center for Family Involvement: https://centerforfamilyinvolvementblog.org For more about the diagnostic odyssey:  https://centerforfamilyinvolvementblog.org/2023/01/03/finding-your-way-in-a-diagnostic-odyssey/         TRANSCRIPT:  Welcome to The Odyssey: Parenting. Caregiving. Disability. I'm Erin Croyle, creator and host. The Odyssey Podcast will explore the unique journey we're sent on when a loved one has a disability. I started down that path 12 years ago when my first child was born with Down syndrome. Even though it's the most common chromosomal condition diagnosed in the United States, we still know so little. And at the time, as a new parent, I knew nothing. And so my journey has brought me here. Working with the Center for Family Involvement at VCUs, Partnership for People with Disabilities. We provide families with emotional and informational support. Our podcast digs deep into the joys and hardships we face. We're going to celebrate how amazing the odyssey of parenting, caregiving and disability is. But we're not gonna shy away from the tough stuff either. One of the hardest things families go through is the diagnosis itself. Parenting is portrayed a certain way in our world. So much focuses on the healthy baby. So if anything with a baby or child strays away from our society's notions of normal or healthy alarm bells go off. It shatters our preconceived notions of what being a parent is. Then there are rare diagnoses, the ones that have no name, the ones that might require extensive testing, the ones that don't have networks of support like autism and Down syndrome do. So, on top of the parenting curveball you've been thrown, you're left with even more questions and almost no peer support. There's help though. A new statewide effort is helping Virginians navigate and access genetic services. The Virginia Department of Health and the CFI have launched a genetic navigator program to provide support at no charge to families in collaboration with our regional genetics network. If you need support with genetics or anything else relating to this odyssey we're on, you can call or email our helpline. All of that information is in the show notes. You should also keep listening because today we're joined by Sarah Lepore. Sarah has a Master of Science in Nursing, and is a board certified neonatal nurse practitioner. She is also one of the founders and the vice president of the Smith-Kingsmore Syndrome Foundation. And of course, she is a parent and a caregiver. She's going to tell us about how her own Odyssey brought her here today. So welcome. I'm so excited to talk to you today. Sarah Lepore. We at the Center for Family Involvement, you know, our world revolves around parenting and caregiving and navigating that world and empowering folks to be able to do that as well as they can. And your story is so powerful because you have had to really pave the way. Can you just start us off, Sarah, and tell us a little bit about, I guess, your son, Charlie, and that journey? Yes, thanks for having me, Erin. Um, so, you know, I, Charlie was my third pregnancy, and, um, I was a nurse at the time, so, you know, I felt pretty in tune with what, how the pregnancy should be going. And early on, um, our O B G Y N was concerned about Charlie's head growth. All of my kids had big heads, um, but Charlie's was a little larger than the others, and he was following that real closely. And, you know, he, when he was born, um, everything looked good besides his head being big, otherwise, he, you know, was a great normal baby. Happy baby fed well, slept well. Um, we didn't really have any concerns until about two months. Um, when, you know, you start to expect some of those infant milestones and they just weren't coming. He wasn't, um, reaching for toys. He wasn't really, um, lifting his head up. He had severe head lag. Um, and so that's when I started reaching out to my pediatrician, um, and talking to her more about, you know, could this, could there be something wrong with Charlie? Um, you know, of course, like most pediatricians would to a mom at, uh, two to three months of age, they might say, let's just wait. So we did wait a little bit until about between six to eight months where, um, we did notice that he was just not hitting milestones and getting further and further behind his peers. Um, so with the help of our pediatrician, um, she was able to get us in at U V A, um, through the developmental, um, pediatrician group, which I feel really lucky that at that point in time we, you know, we only had about a, a three to six month wait. I can't remember the exact wait, but it was, you know, it's felt long, but I know right now the waits can be upwards of a year. Um, so, you know, we got in relatively early and started our journey and, um, you know, we started up with the developmental pediatrician. Sarah, I'm gonna interrupt you actually really quickly because I think a lot of times people don't actually know. Can you explain what the difference is between a pediatrician and a developmental pediatrician? Yeah, absolutely. So a developmental pediatrician, um, is just that they are, they follow, um, infants through adolescents through their development. So their, um, emotional development, their physical developments, um, and, uh, they support your pediatrician. Um, where the pediatrician, um, is more for well sick visits. Um, they, the pediatrician does look at your developmental milestones also, but they would refer out to a developmental pediatricians if there was concern for a baby or child not meeting milestones, um, at the, the time that the line that the American Academy of Pediatrics has published. Um, so your developmental, um, is kind of a gateway. I I consider them really in those beginning stages of, um, looking for a diagnosis, your gateway, um, doctor to help you, um, connect with other, um, specialists, other services, if your child needs to, um, see other services, especially if it's kind of this gray, like we're not meeting milestones, but, you know, we don't have anything else specific. Um, it's, it's different when you already have like some, some other symptom that's really clear. Like if you have seizures, you might go the route of a neurologist, but if you don't have any real specific symptoms other than milestones, going to the developmental pediatrician is usually the the first place you would be sent. And I, I'm curious too, um, and again, I wanna get back to your story, but it's so hard to find a developmental pediatrician and because you're on this journey and because we're talking about this now, I mean, what do you recommend someone do if they can't find a developmental pediatrician? Or if the wait is indeed a year and you're just feeling really lost, um, what do you think the best route is to go? Well, Erin, I think it really depends on the symptoms that your child is experiencing. Um, but you know, first and foremost, get on the wait list, get that appointment, and then, you know, seek out a community. And there's a lot of social media out there that can help us connect to a community of other parents who are going through the same thing. Families are just wanting to help each other. Um, so I think in the meantime, while you're waiting, it's really good to crowdsource connect with other parents who are experiencing some of the same similarities you're experiencing. Yeah, and I have to say, I have to add, um, because I, I think our sons are my son's 12. And your son's also 11. 11, yeah. Um, and my son has Down syndrome and a lot of other, uh, stuff to go along with it. And not only do you get on those waiting lists, but I would highly recommend staying with those doctors and continuously seeing them annually or biannually, because even if it seems like you don't need that doctor something, especially when you have complex medical needs, something can pop up later and you don't wanna have to get back on the end of that waiting list. That's a really good point. In fact, U v a if you, um, un established care if, if you're seeing developmental pediatricians at uva, if you stablish care, which is somewhere greater than a year because they expect a yearly visit, I think depending on your diagnosis, it may be three years. I'm not a hundred percent sure on that. But if you end up lapsing and and not going, then you have to start over and reestablished care and those wait lists are, uh, right now, I think eight months to 12 months long. So, um, definitely wanna continue to go and, and there's been times where we've gone and it's like, I don't really need to go, I don't, like there's not, I'm not really gonna gain anything from it. And so you walk this line, it's like, do I wanna put my child through another visit? But, um, you know, developmental pediatricians are usually, they're, you're gonna do a lot more talking and they're real engaging. I mean, our experience has been wonderful. We see, we've seen quite a few at U V A, um, our, our current one is Dr. Frazier, um, and she is really engaging with my son. Um, she, you know, really, um, connects with him. So it's, the appointments aren't, aren't, um, too traumatizing for him at all. Um, but keeping those up with those appointments are really important cuz they have been hugely impactful for me when it comes time for things like writing IEPs. Absolutely. And I find too, if, if your child has a condition where certain things are common, so for instance, with Down Syndrome, it's common to have thyroid issues, even if your child doesn't have set issues at that time, perhaps seeing an endocrinologist annually, if those issues crop up, you can be on MyChart and message and do all the things you need to do if something hits the fan. Um, but now we're going on this huge tangent and I wanna get back to Charlie and your story. Thanks. So please start, start from where we left off. All right. So we, we got in with our developmental pediatrician and he recommended, um, he offered, do we wanna go the route of genetic testing. Um, so it wasn't like, what, you know, you must do it, it was offered to families, which is really important. Genetic testing is something that families should be consented to. Um, it shouldn't, you know, some people don't wanna go that route and that's, you know, totally their choice. You know, I, as a, um, a nurse at this point, I was, um, I was still a nurse. I was in grad school getting, um, my master's, um, and I, um, really wanted to find out all the reasons why like I needed, I needed to know the answers. So we did go the route of the geneticists and we had our first appointment about four months later. Charlie had a microarray done, a chromosomal microarray. And the first, um, test that result we got back from the chromosomal microarray showed that Charlie had a micro deletion of a gene called a U T S two or OTs two. Um, and that gene was, was recently, uh, discovered and there wasn't a lot written about it, but over the course of a couple of months, paper started popping up. And as I'm reading, um, about this, um, genetic syndrome, I'm finding that almost all of the cases RF kids with small heads or microcephaly and Charlie had macrocephaly or a large head knowing that that's kind of a major difference in development. I wanted to question, I questioned like, maybe this isn't the right diagnosis. So I did some research and I reached out to some of the, um, doctors and researchers that have written articles on OS two. I shared with them Charlie's genetic diagnosis, um, sheet from MyChart from, um, from our hospital. And, um, you know, waited. I emailed and waited to see if I'd get any responses. And sure enough I had two, um, experts and s to respond back to me. And they said that they would recommend Charlie getting whole exome sequencing, that they did not feel that, um, s two really fit Charlie, um, and that we should continue to seek out a different diagnosis. Um, meanwhile, I, um, with another, um, parent, I'd started a Facebook group frauds too, because there was nothing out there. And again, I wanted to connect with people. Um, I had a lot of friends, uh, a couple of friends, not a lot of, couple of friends that had kids with Down syndrome and I had attended some of their, um, community events and the, like, it was just amazing to me to see this community come together. Um, and, you know, we always, we wanted to participate because of that feeling, but like, I still, you know, that wasn't Charlie's diagnosis. So finding our people was really important to me. Um, and so we started this group, um, and, uh, that group has really grown and since, um, over the years I've kind of transferred the, um, leadership onto other families. Um, and we continued our, our, um, diagnostic odyssey to try to find, uh, the right diagnosis to fit Charlie. At the time, whole exm sequencing was not being offered. It was like in the beginning research stage, there were places across the country that were starting to do it. And you know, as I'm trying to figure out can we get this done, I'm hearing back from our team at UVA that they're not offering it yet, and then they're only offering it if insurance is covering it. And at that time, our insurance was not covering it. So again, I went out on to social media to try to see what I could do and just reaching out to other parents across the country on what their experience has been. And I found out that, um, the lab, gene Dx was running these tests for, um, not free, but they were, um, at least trying to bill your insurance and then they were rebilling, um, and kind of running, like doing the fight for you so you didn't have to do all of that. And when it came down to it, by the time we finally got it done, our insurance, um, and Gene DX ended up covering it. So we didn't have any out-of-pocket at the time. It was a $28,000 test. Um, it's, it's much more affordable now, but it's still, it's not, um, free, um, to everybody. And, uh, and so, you know, accessibility, um, was a big issue for us and it took over a year and a half to get the right testing done for Charlie. But then we got the whole XM sequencing and it came back normal. And so of course I was a little bit disappointed, you know, we went through all of this and we get this test that's normal. But when I say normal, what it had was a, uh, variant on the gene mTOR that was unknown, unknown significance. So what I was told is it's normal. You're gonna, there's always gonna be a gene of unknown significance with a variant that happens on everybody if normal. Okay. I ended up reaching out to, um, the same doctors that I had talked to, um, previously about OTs two syndrome, just to kind of pick their brain on everything. And at the exact same time that this was going on in the background, another Dr. Lori Smith, discovered a child who had a variant on mTOR, and she actually published a paper on it. Her and her colleague Dr. Kingsmore, they described in the literature a mutation of the gene mTOR that, um, caused some symptoms that were so similar to Charlie as this information is all kind of coming together. Our geneticists at the time reached out and said, Hey, we're gonna ask the lab to rerun it, rerun your test. Which when Gene DX reruns your, your whole exome sequencing, they don't actually need another blood sample. They can just rerun it against their database. And when they rerun it against their database, we again got back variant of unknown significance. All right? So we've now had it done twice. There's this variant of unknown significance. There's this paper that's been written about Smith Kingsmore syndrome, we yet to find anything out about this. And I thought, okay, I, I kind of had closed the book. I was like, all right, Charlie's just unique. He's rare. I, I'm not sure what we're gonna do, but I'm just gonna move forward with what he needs, which is the therapies to help him meet the milestones that he's, that he's able to achieve. And to just get past that point of grieving the like why and what, and move forward with, okay, we have to have action to make things better. Um, so we kind of threw ourselves into therapy. We were already doing a bunch of therapy and just rolled with what, what we needed to do to, to really help Charlie be the best that he could be. I'm gonna have you pause there because you mentioned the grieving, right? And you know so much here about all the things and, and so many families like ours, like, we have to go into this mode where it's research and advocacy and research and advocacy and fighting for this and insurance and paperwork, and it's a full-time job. So I wanna pause and I wanna know at this point, you know, you are going through all of these things and so how are you at this time and how is Charlie at this time? I mean, at this point where you are in the story, can you tell us how long the journey's been and how you're holding up? And I wanna know about motherhood in these conditions because I know for me, having my oldest have a disability and having two younger siblings, we are robbed of so many experiences being parents that it, it just sometimes feels unfair and there are a lot of emotions that I feel like we brush off. So I wanna know where you were at this time emotionally and where your family was and how you all got through this while you were doing all these things on top of being a mother, on top of being a professional. How were you? Um, well, you know, it was, it was a difficult time for me for sure, and I was in therapy. Um, I, that was one of the things that I did for myself to kind of work through that grieving process of, um, you know, grieving what, um, what I expected out of the pregnancy, what I expected out of my newborn, a period. And that, that really helped me. And I, I worked through, um, with my therapist, I worked through, um, that grieving process. Um, and, you know, I just started trying to take better care of myself and also taking, you know, really kind of putting myself, really putting everything I can into helping Charlie. And by doing that, I, that actually ended up kind of being like therapy for me because I, I was able to put aside the, we can't figure out the why, but I actually can do something to, to help. So this was about 2015 was when we had the second whole exm sequencing result come back as variant of unknown significance. Charlie was four, almost five years old, he was in school. We were seeking out, trying to find a diagnosis, a school diagnosis for him where he could get the services that he needed. So we went back to the developmental pediatrician with some of the concerns that his teacher and I had, I really was seeking, you know, is, is seeking out, is this autism, is Charlie, is he autistic? And, you know, our first, um, visit, our doctors weren't too sure, but after about a year, you know, his, his signs of autism really did start to show. And so he was diagnosed with autism and that really helped us be able to work with a specific i e p team at, at his school and get him the services that he needed to. Um, but you're right, Erin, it, it was like a full-time job and you know, they're doing that on top of working full-time. At this point I had graduated, I was a nurse working as a nurse practitioner, really managing my child's day-to-day life. And this therapy's on top of that. There was a time period, o o over about two and a half years was when Charlie was getting 20 hours of therapy on top of school. So outside of his school hours, 20 hours a week of therapy. You Serious? Yes. So we, How, how did you even fit that? Cuz I thought a few days of week were a lot like how did you fit that into your lives? So every day he had speech, P t O t music therapy. He did the hippo, uh, therapy, horseback riding. And then on top of that we had a b a. And so our a b a therapist was here, you know, for hours in the afternoon and evening. And it really, um, for us, ABA was the right choice then. It, it's not the right choice for every family. And you know, I totally respect that. But it worked. We had a really wonderful, um, ABA specialist and it, she connected us and with Charlie and really helped me as a parent manage some of his, his behavioral challenges in the home, um, so that I could be a better parent to him. Uh, I got just as much out of it as he did so did, so did my husband. It was really, um, a wonderful experience for us. So yeah, I mean that was kind of where we were at. We were like, all right, well we have to just really try to help Charlie be the best that he can be. Um, and Charlie was such a trooper and he, like, he really worked really hard in therapy. But, you know, my mama heart was still very sad because we, he, he mis he ended up trading out play dates for therapy dates and, you know, over time not having those play dates , I realize that now, like he, you know, he doesn't have the, the same play skills and is that because we ended up having to do all this therapy? You know, I try not to blame myself because I do think we've done the best that we can do given the circumstances, but you know, it's really hard as a parent to, to not second guess like, did we do too much? Did we not give him like the normal things that he could do? And so, you know, he, I I still feel like we did the best we can, but it was, it's been a journey that's for sure. And wouldn't you say, I mean, in my experience, because it wasn't 20 hours of therapy a week, but I did find myself with my son taking his sibling to go to Aqua therapy and to go to all these speech therapy and I, I just, I mean I found myself getting angry, but then I also think about societal constructs and the medical constructs where really these therapies, and that's the beauty of early intervention, should be coming to the playgrounds, to the cafes. Um, so the therapists can work with our children in these settings that are natural instead of a clinic or even in the home all the time. Um, and helping facilitate some of the conversations and playing I, which I mean, again, our societal constructs in our insurance system does not really allow for that. Cuz you have to fit so many people into a day in order to get paid. But I just feel like it's, it's not a failing on us as parents. It is a failing on the way that our system is set up and our poor kids. There's this complex that they have to be fixed and um, I, I don't know, I just find it really difficult that in, in this day and age we haven't found a way to make it easier for them to get what they need but also be a child. I totally agree with you on that. We had a physical therapist, um, Charlie's long-term physical therapist in through early intervention and we stayed with her private um, until he was eight and a half. She would take him to the park. She, we would go to the park and she would try to, you know, if a child would come over she would definitely try to do that. But that was far and few between like that just didn't happen very often. Sarah we're going all over the place here. So let's go back to the testing and where you were with Charlie. I think you said it was 2015? Yes. So you know, like I said, we had kind of moved on from the why and what, and we're just focusing on what we could do to help. Um, and we were sticking with our appointments, you know, our yearly genetic geneticist appointment, our yearly developmental pediatrician appointment. And we just happened to be super lucky that it's very interesting story. But one of the specialists that I had reached out to for OS too emailed me instead of the UVA a geneticist about her paper that she was writing on OS two. And so I forwarded it to our U V A geneticist at the time and she said, let's, um, you know what, it's been a while. Let's see if Gene DX will re-look at Charlie's whole exome sequencing. And this was 2018 and a couple months went by, I didn't hear anything and then I get a phone call, the uh, genetic counselor said, Charlie's whole exome sequencing test has been changed to, from a variant of unknown significance to a variant of causing pathological disease. He sent me the report and there was reference to Smith Kingsmore syndrome, which I had at that point. I had already read the article that had been published, um, which it was, you know, only published a couple years prior and it kind of matched Charlie, but still there were some differences. So, you know, I was hesitant to like fully accept the diagnosis and wanted to continue to reach out and see what we could do. So, um, like I had to do from the beginning, I continued to reach out to these specialists that I had met and I mean I was lucky cuz I know that families have emailed specialists before and that they don't respond because they're so busy. I get it. They have their own patient population or the emails just don't get through to them because in, you know, big hospital institutions, it's hard sometimes to reach them. And I think we just got really lucky. And again, this doctor that we were, um, that had been corresponding with in Seattle, she said, yes, this Charlie does fit that and there's a lot of new information coming out about uropathies, which S K S Smith Kingsmore syndrome is an M enteropathy. So, you know, I think you're in the right, What is an M … what is that? And then no, it's ok. And actually I you know, I think it would help if you told us some of, uh, the symptoms as well. Um, Sure. So, um, Charlie has a variant on the gene mTOR. So the gene mTOR is on a pathway that helps our cells and our body communicate if there's a variant, it can cause the cells to change and grow differently, sometimes rapidly. Um, and so because of that, it can cause different symptoms like large head size, large brain size seizures, um, global developmental delay, autism intellectual delay, and there's some other like hypotonia, focal cortical dysplasia. And it can cause some pretty significant changes in your M R I. And I haven't mentioned this to this point, but Charlie had had an M r I already, so we had some information about his, um, brain abnormalities that looking at it at that early prior to having the diagnosis of sks, we were told, well, there's no genetic picture that matches this yet. And that's the thing about genetics is we got told a lot of it hasn't caught up with you yet. Like there may be something later on, you know, and I think there's a lot of families that kind of sit in that window of waiting to, for the diagnosis to be discovered are like, people are hesitant to say it's this one person has this thing. Like they wanna see that there are multiple people having the same symptoms with this genetic variant. So we, we had our diagnosis, I had a doctor that confirmed it, and then I went back to social media trying to find people that I could connect to and I did. And um, I found a Facebook group. There was like 30 people on it and I started reading and I started sobbing. I mean that was like the, the pivotal point for us. It was like these were our people, these, these families are going through the exact same thing we're going through. Um, our, the pictures, I was like blown away. Like my son looks like these kids, like they could be siblings, um, even with different hair color, they had so many similarities and um, you know, it just like, I was happy and sad and had so many emotions. Um, but then the balls just kept rolling. Like people were motivated. We found that there were doctors that were motivated and we were able to connect with these specialists that, um, were outside of our state. And luckily we were able to travel and, and meet these doctors and other families who really wanted to start a, uh, foundation so that we can raise awareness of our small rare disease. Because living the life of, of trying to get a diagnosis for an ultra rare disease is such a long, painful journey. And if we can help others get that diagnosis earlier, then we're cutting years off of the, of that pain for them. And now we know there are babies that are getting diagnosed because there's more literature about s K s. I like to think that our foundation has had a part to do with that because we've been pushing to put information out there about Smith-Kingsmore syndrome. It, it feels like, had there been more early on with Charlie, like with the larger head size in and of itself and what you saw, had that been associated then, do you, I mean, little things like that could have cut that journey for you down so much? No, Absolutely. And I think, I think now in, in 2023, um, it is because we, we know like genetics has already advanced so much in just this short period of time that there are gene panels that have like seizure and large head and they're looking at, you know, specific diagnoses that match that. So if you present, if your child presents with a specific list of symptoms, then instead of having to get this whole exome sequencing approved, they can do just a specific panel which is cost efficient and helps really kind of hone in on the diagnosis. So I think we are getting to the point where it's getting faster, but there are so many of us that it took so long to get there. And there's still, I know there's still people out there that are living this journey where heir child's diagnosis has not been discovered yet. There are lots of families that are on this undiagnosed journey and hopefully as more time goes on, you know, they'll be less and less. But I think we're gonna be sitting in a, in a time period where genetics is gonna rapidly change. I mean, yeah, I wrote this article and we'll put a link in our, in our stuff for y'all that are listening, um, interviewing you and some doctors and, and I mean it is, it's changing rapidly and it's advancing rapidly, but it's still, you know, for families that are in it, it feels like a snail’s pace. And I can't help but think, you know, there's so much more information now. But what about those families who don't have the privilege that you and I have who are working two jobs who English is not their first language, you know, who are single parents and just don't have the health insurance or the time or the resources to do the research. Is there anything for them? Like is there support for them and, and how do we do better getting this information out to those who, who don't even know where to start looking? You know, Erin, these are such great questions and I know that there's some work, um, that the, that your center's working on that V C U is working on that are hopefully gonna be helping lots of families in Virginia. I think, you know, social media, I mean, is is definitely a way to help families connect, but we're still kind of missing out on, on ways to really reach these families that wouldn't even go to the doctor to begin with, to, to kind of get the ball rolling and, you know, I think reaching out to or have like having our, our pediatricians be able to have a way to get these families to connect to other families. You know, whether like, especially like not even thinking of a specific diagnosis, but like if our, if our pediatricians are concerned that there may be abnormal or development of a, a child, like connecting them to another family so that they have support, um, because those of us that have been through it, like we wanna support other people, being able to do that in some way, shape or form, I think would be, uh, amazing. But right now, um, I'm not really sure of all the ways that that, I mean, I don't think there's a lot, that lot going on besides the work that you guys are, are getting ready to start, which I think is gonna be incredible for Virginia. Well, yeah, so the Center for Family Involvement, not only do we have a family navigator program that helps families, um, we match families with similar conditions. So if you have a family who has someone with Down syndrome, a child with Down syndrome, we find a parent through our volunteer program to match who you can talk to. But the beauty of it is we have so many different rare conditions, right? But also cultural differences. And we, we take great effort to find people to find their people, not just with whatever disorder they may be dealing with, but whatever cultural sensitivities that go along with it. And then yes, we have just launched, um, a genetic navigator program, um, which does something similar but with these specific questions about genetics. But, you know, it, it is, it is one of those things where we're there we have help and uh, it's, it's that not everyone knows where to look. And I think the beautiful thing, you know, we're talking about S K S and we're talking about the Center for Family Involvement, and we can talk about autism and Down syndrome, but I always stress to people that we don't silo ourselves because disability is, is still just such a small minority when you look at our country and our world, right? And developmental and intellectual disabilities are even smaller. And then when you look at rare diseases, according to the National Human Genome Research Institute, there are around 350 million people on earth with rare disorders. So this is a disorder or condition with fewer than 200,000 people diagnosed. And about 80% of these rare disorders are genetic in origin, and 95% of them don't even have a single treatment authorized and approved by the F D A, right? So when we're talking about these things that we're dealing with, it's great to find our people. And I do like, you know, like I'm sure with S K S, you, you have this, these niches to talk about. And whenever I meet a parent of someone with Down syndrome or a person with Down syndrome, there are certain things we just know about because it's so common within the condition. But when we talk about the bigger movement in helping families and, and helping understand rare disorders, uh, I mean it's, I I I cannot stress how important it's that we work together. That's why I love having this conversation with you and learning so much more. Yes, I think it's so important that we are supporting each other, um, regardless of what the, our child's diagnosis is because we're going to experience the same challenges, access to medical care, access to specialists, how to write that I E P for certain challenges that your child is going through, how to navigate the transition time period when your child, um, is becoming an