How to stop being a 'people pleaser' in the bedroom

The Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman

Aug 8 2022 • 8 mins

On today’s episode of “The Language of Love,” I am doing a “Bites” episode! These are my short-and-sweet episodes in which I answer listeners’ most pressing questions. For this “Bite,” I tackle a question from a viewer who wants to know how to deal with people-pleasing in the bedroom. Being a people-pleaser might sound like a good thing, but it is often very self-destructive for the person who is being the pleaser. They often give up their boundaries and their truth in order to satisfy the needs of everyone around them, and as my caller points out, this can even occur inside the bedroom too. So what happens if you are stuck in people-pleaser mode in the bedroom, or if your partner displays this behavior during intimacy? How can you ensure that BOTH of you are feeling valued and respected, and that each of you are truly enjoying sexual pleasure instead of just going through the motions or faking orgasms? In my own experience as a sex therapist, I have found that people who struggle with people-pleasing behaviors and codependent behaviors often have a very hard time being honest about how they really feel and what they really want. They are so used to saying “It’s okay” or “I’m fine” that they end up becoming truly isolated from what is happening inside of them. It’s easy to see how truly problematic this can be for sexual pleasure! If you are not comfortable asking for what you want, or if you don’t even know how to tune into your own body and pay attention to what is happening for you (instead of trying to feel how your partner might be feeling or wondering what they might be thinking or needing from you), it’s going to be super hard for you to get to a place where you can have fulfilling, passionate sex. So what can you do? How can you move on from people-pleasing behavior and become more vulnerable and connected in the bedroom? Tune in right now to listen to my advice for this caller. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit