Aug 13 2024
Why Your Hobbies Aren't Actually Fun (And How to Fix That)
Logically I know that there are lots of benefits of play for high achievers. I’ve read the science behind it, I know the value in it, and I’ve even tried to pick up some hobbies to ‘get the benefits’ (there’s a red-flag warning sign that I missed) It wasn’t until recently that I’d realized that my “hobbies” aren’t actually fun.
It’s not that I don’t enjoy these activities. I do. But it’s come to my attention that I’m actually still looking to “achieve” in my hobbies, rather than just enjoy them.
I’m looking to get a benefit from my hobbies by learning a new skill, inspiring creativity, or figuring out something else I want to talk about with you here.
I was chatting with my therapist about this and she asked a really powerful question: “What does it feel like when you’re doing something and your high achiever isn’t the one driving the bus?”
It didn’t take me long to realize how deeply ingrained this high-achiever mindset was in everything I did - even the things that were supposed to be relaxing and fun.
The Science Behind Play
Engaging in play has significant mental health benefits. Dr. Stuart Brown, founder of the National Institute for Play, has found that play as adults can reduce stress, improve brain function, boost creativity, and foster better relationships. For us highly sensitive high achievers, play offers a crucial respite from our overactive minds and perfectionist tendencies.
Research also shows that play can improve cognitive function and emotional well-being, and even enhance social skills. For adults, especially those of us who are constantly striving to achieve, play can be a vital counterbalance to the pressures of daily life. It allows us to tap into our creativity, solve problems in innovative ways, and connect more deeply with others.
3 Signs That Hobbies Aren’t Playful
As I mentioned before, I’m learning how to roller skate. It’s been a humbling experience to say the least, and I was getting really hard on myself that I wasn’t progressing as fast as my partner was.
He’s just getting so dang good so dang fast! I’m feeling like I’m falling behind - which is weird to say out loud because we’re on two completely different paths. He’s doing roller derby - I’m doing roller dancing. Even though this new hobby was supposed to be something “fun” I was giving myself expectations and a timeline to meet those expectations.
In my head, I had to be working on a new skill or dance move each time I was at the roller rink.
I. Must. Improve. Each. Time!!!
My partner and I also play pickleball when the weather’s nice and I realized that I had also put a lot of pressure on myself to improve and ‘be a good opponent’ for him to play against. Naturally, then, I am extremely hard on myself when my disability is stronger that day and I’m lacking in coordination and we can’t seem to get a good rally going.
I feel like I’m letting him down, so I have to keep trying to improve to make it more enjoyable for him.
Another ‘hobby’ I have is learning new languages. How I could see that as a “relaxing hobby” is beyond me, but in my head it made sense at the time.
That’s when the realization hit me. All of my so called hobbies come with:
Expected outcomes,A timeline to achieve that outcome, andA need to always be improving
Which sounds a little bit more like work or personal development and less like play, doesn’t it?
Rediscovering Play
Now that I knew what play wasn’t, I had a good starting point to figure out what it could be!
I had to remove any expected outcomes. There couldn’t be any internal or external pressure to feel a certain way. No intention to achieve a certain thing by a certain time or even improve. I mean, of course I’m going to improve the more I do something - that’s just how life works. But I don’t have to try and improve. It doesn’t have to be my focus.
My focus is just to do the fun thing.
That’s it.
Easier said than done, but it was interesting nonetheless.
Immediately my anxiety kicked in because we were doing something new (and so naturally this part of me found it scary). I reminded myself that we can do hard things and survive it, so I kept pushing forward.
Turns out, nothing bad happens when you just play.
Nothing really happens except that you actually:
feel better, more relaxed, and like the weight of life, the universe and everything has lifted just a little
I realized that my hobbies can actually recharge my energy levels and help me feel a bit more human again. Play allows me to find the way through the chaos and reconnect to my inner stillness.
A Lack of Play is a Common Problem for Highly Sensitive High Achievers
Over the past few months, I’ve also noticed a lack of play in my clients’ lives as well. They’re so focused on achieving and perfecting that they forget how to just have fun. And so I’ve encouraged them to revisit activities they loved as kids:
skipping, jumping in puddles, playing in the rain, finger painting, dancing outrageously to their favorite songs.
These small steps towards playfulness can be incredibly helpful in managing the moral distress of living in today’s world.
When we reintroduce these simple joys, we’re not just indulging in nostalgia; we’re reconnecting with parts of ourselves that have been buried under layers of responsibility and expectation. One client told me how liberating it felt to skip down the path on her morning walk, completely free of judgment. Another rediscovered the simple pleasure of drawing without worrying about the final product. These small actions reminded them that they deserve moments of unstructured joy.
Play as Resistance
In our modern-day capitalist societies, where productivity and outcomes are the goals, taking time to play can feel like an act of rebellion. It’s a reminder that our worth isn’t tied to our output, or how good we are at something.
Embracing playful activities simply for the enjoyment of them is a form of self-care that goes against the grain of the always-on, hustle culture. It’s a way of saying that we are more than our work, more than our achievements.
It’s a way of refusing to be defined by our productivity alone. In the face of a culture that often values output over well-being, play is an act of self-preservation and resistance. It’s a reminder that joy and fulfillment are not just by-products of success, but essential components of a balanced, healthy life that lead to success
Finding Joy in the Moment
For me, rediscovering play has been transformative. I’m learning to embrace activities without the pressure of improvement or utility. Whether it’s roller skating, painting, or simply listening to music, I’m finding joy in the moment and learning to cherish the beauty of simply having fun.
These moments of play have become essential parts of my day. They’re opportunities to connect with myself in a deeper way, to let go of the pressures and expectations that often weigh me down. By allowing myself to play, I’ve found a new sense of balance and fulfillment. It’s a journey, and it’s one that I’m excited to continue exploring.
References:
National Institute for Play. (n.d.). Benefits of Play for Adults. Retrieved from https://www.nifplay.org/benefits-of-play
Martin, L., & Tine, M. (2019). The effects of play on creative problem-solving skills. Journal of Positive Psychology, 14(1), 75-82. Retrieved from https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/17439760.2018.1528370
Brown, S. (2009). Play: How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul. Penguin Books.
