We Do Whatever It Takes

Danny Ray and Kimberly

We are a magician & an (almost) therapist and we do whatever it takes to have a thriving marriage. We have tips and tricks to help you do the same!

Episode 14: Accountability in Your Marriage
4d ago
Episode 14: Accountability in Your Marriage
I’ve traveled for almost two decades, performing over four thousand shows in all fifty states and in twenty-one countries. During these years, I’ve been hit on by a few women, been put into hotels next to strip clubs, and experienced a variety of scenarios that could have compromised my relationship with Kimberly. However, one habit changed our ministry from the beginning because of some expert advice given by author and comedian, Ken Davis. He told me, “Danny, as soon as you can afford it, have someone travel with you. It’s a game changer.” From day one, some- one has traveled with me to keep me accountable (and to run live video).Staying focused on the road is so much easier when I can share my struggles with someone and ask him to keep me on track. Bringing someone else on the road created shared experiences, helped me build great friendships, and kept me focused as it helped keep my marriage strong. On a regular basis, I watch people compromise their values on the road because no one is holding them accountable for their actions. If you find yourself traveling for work, I highly recommend you have someone travel with you or keep you accountable on the road. It’s hard out there. On the financial end, a travel companion never makes sense. It always cost more money to have someone travel with me, but I would rather lose profit than integrity.In the rare situation when I am on my own on the road, I talk to my accountability partners and tell them my plan of action to stay pure. Usually, I start with a simple phone call. I tell them where I’m going, what I’m doing, and what times I’ll be by myself. I ask them to keep me in their prayers and to call me at certain times when temptations might be higher.I’ve also memorized 2 Timothy 2:22 and other verses that remind me to not just run from temptation but also to run toward something good. Remembering that the rewards of living for God are so much better than the chains of the old life has been a great weapon in my own journey of accountability.
Episode 13: Tricks to Becoming Wise with Finances in Your Marriage
5d ago
Episode 13: Tricks to Becoming Wise with Finances in Your Marriage
Podcast #13- Tricks to Becoming Wise with FinancesIntro- I am a professional magician and a pastor.I am working towards my license as a Marriage and Family Therapist.K- when it comes to money, have to be on the same page- otherwise arguments and frustrations. -we have had our ups and downs for sure-we started with $1000, used credit cards, etc,-2008 recession caused all of our “cards to fall.”K- spenders vs savers-dreamer vs dream crusher-couples fight about money cause of childhood experiences, or maybe keeping up with their neighborsD- key to winning is communicating, compromising, and holding each other accountable (as partners, not parenting each other).-best decision= Dave Ramsey envelope system and setting up automatic withdrawal to our savings accounts & titheK- I love the “fun money envelope” and the emergency envelopeD- new mindset- cause debt is a constant weight, we become slaves to our bills-we changed mindset with 3 things…Become debt freeChoose to become generous (God pocket)Start your new system now. Don’t wait.K- Budgeting is not a curse word. -goal isn’t to constrict you, but to free you-because our income is erratic, we budget weekly-check out DaveRamsey.com for more help with budgetingD- automate everything!-auto savings for vacations, Christmas, cars, education, emergenciesChallenge- make a plan together! How can you both be better at taking control of your finances? -It can be scary to rely on your spouse to take care of the money, so be a trustworthy spouse. -If you are not good at keeping track of money, get good at it! It is more than just numbers- you are giving your spouse and your family the security they need.Don’t let money be the source of conflict in your marriage!Closing- see you next time!
Episode 12: Escaping the Traps of Social Media in Your Marriage
6d ago
Episode 12: Escaping the Traps of Social Media in Your Marriage
Podcast #12- Escaping Traps of Social MediaIntro- I am a professional magician and a pastor.I am working towards my license as a Marriage and Family Therapist.K- As a magician, tell us about trap doors and what does that have to do with social media D- discuss trap doors in magic-discuss trap doors in marriages (social media)K- some of the dangers and pitfalls=-comparison, jealousybottom line- the quickest way to lose joy is to compare our lives and marriages to someone else. Plate spinning- something is always dropping, you just don’t see it-the antidote for comparison is to learn to be at peace-to be thankful-to be contentD- another trap door is the amount of time spent or wasted on social media-I can’t give you that time limit-but if we are on earth for a limited time, maybe ask yourself if you are investing your time wellK- another trap door is about what we post on social media-talking about asking permission before posting-we are more comfortable now than we used to be, but we still try to ask for permission before postingD- self-deception-are you deceiving your self and thinking social media is not affecting you-are you on your phone a lot, while your spouse sits in the same room longing for your attention?K- along those same lines, the battle for our focus is fierce! -date nights- where I sit, set up expectations about phones-choose to be distraction freeClosing- social media can be a blessing and a curse.-a space to keep up with friends, but it is not a space to air your marriage secretsEncourage you to talk with each other about any concerns either of you have about using social media. -Dont be defensive if they ask you to cut back or to not post certain things! Heat that they are actually saying I like you and I want to spend time with you!
Episode 10: Creating Magic in the Bedroom (yes sex!)
Sep 22 2022
Episode 10: Creating Magic in the Bedroom (yes sex!)
Intro-D- creating magic in the bedroom requires more than one trick up your sleeve. In fact it demands that you are on your A game in all areas of communication. So that means talking about what you both need to make the magic happen. We have to be open with each other and talk about sex, even if it’s awkward, uncomfortable, embarrassing, or even painful because of past trauma.K- Sex can be scary- talk about it.Sex can be painful- talk about itSex can be fun- talk about it.Sex is a special part of the marriage relationship because we don’t share that part with anyone else and NOTHING ELSE IS MORE VULNERABLED- with sex, you are putting all your cards on the table. K- Just a couple of caveats here before we go further, we are assuming that no physical ailment prevents you from having sex with your spouseWe are aware that abuse is prevalent and if there has been sexual abuse in your past, that will most likely require getting help from a therapistAlso if you are not intimate in your conversations with each other and are not able to even pray together, then sex is probably not the best starting point for you.D- if you are ready to talk about sex with your spouse, let’s talk about how to do that:Creating space for a conversation about sexmake sure you are in a space away from children and any distractions, so that you can speak freelyAsk each other some of these questionsDoes talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Why?How can we learn to be more intimate in our sex life?Do you have any fears about sex? How can I alleviate those?Are you satisfied with our sex life? How we do it and how often?D- positions matter! -talk about magic books and holding cards a certain wayK- this about magic, is the same in the bedroom. What works for one person may both work for another. So to make it enjoyable for both of you, you have to share your likes and dislikes. “Intimacy makes sex magical, and intimacy has far more to do with what happens outside the bedroom than inside it.”D- in our house intimacy starts with our love languages. Taking out trash…Timing Matters-Couples want to know how often they should be having sex. But everyone is different. Different desires and God created us this way- it’s good. So it often requires compromise.-find a balance of meeting each others needs. Scheduled Sex!Using a scale- it works for a lot of things in our marriage but also “do you want to have sex right now?” Scale of 1 to 10. “What would it take to get you there?”Closing- go have a conversation and talk about what’s going great and what’s not.Next time we are going to talk about Fears we have in our marriages.
Episode 7: Clarity, Timing and Tempo
Sep 19 2022
Episode 7: Clarity, Timing and Tempo
What you say, when you say it & how you say it matters! Kim- and sometimes it’s a script that we say. Just like you as a magician or any performer memorizes a script, we actually have scripts in our marriagesDanny- example of first year of marriage same fight kept coming up Kim- the longer you have been married, the more unhealthy scripts you might have. To truly experience joy in your marriage, you need to throw out some of those unhealthy scripts— and replace them with new onesKim- 3 things that helpClarity TimingTempoDanny- CLARITY-changes the outcome of the conversation — so ask clarifying questions Kim- TIMING- poor timing often leads to defensiveness If I have a cop behind me while I’m driving and she pulls me over, it’s definitely not the time to point out that I should have got up earlier so I didn’t have to rush to wherever we are going! This leads to hurt, shame, and falling into old scriptsWe have to own our part & take responsibility for actions. And our spouses timing helps us to do that. Danny- TEMPOIn arguments it’s about being fast to forgive, slow to get angry, quick to be patient & thoughtful in what you say Most valuable phrase— “this is important to me”Ultimately to change what’s coming out of your mouth (if you are quick to be angry or say mean things, this is an issue of your own heart- not your spouse triggering you! Don’t hide behind old excuses & scripts.  Kim- old saying “garbage in, garage out” prune juice in glass Challenge- think about scripts in your marriage & decide where you can change clarity, timing & tempo Danny- close- join next time “dealing with hecklers”
Episode 6: Trust is the Glue of Relationships
Sep 16 2022
Episode 6: Trust is the Glue of Relationships
Read your wife’s mindK- intro, so what on earth do you mean when you say you can teach people to read minds?D- mentalistsK- reminder that the point of this is not entertainment but it’s how we should be loving our spouse. K- THE KEY IS INFORMATION!!!Ask questions- read the room, don’t assume, and get more information by asking husband or wife what was the best or most difficult part of your day? Listen- listen without fixing! If she tells you a frustration she had with coworkers- don’t defend them. Listen without distractions. Listen with empathy & acknowledge the hurt or frustration they are feeling. AMAZING TRICK- when you are listening stop prepping what you are going to say! Just listen (while looking at them).  Clarify- clarity is the secret sauce! Maybe summarize what u think you heard your person just say. Ask if there’s anything you can do to help- don’t assume Take action- once you hear what they want, try to make that happen for them! Maybe that means setting up a bubble bath for them to relax. Maybe it means you figure out a dinner plan. Maybe you take the kids to the park to give your person a break. Remember expectations- knowing your spouses expectations helps avoid unnecessary tension. How do we know their expectations? WE ASK!! A new pattern we recommend- touch base on the phone on the way home. K- story of kids little & those phone calls D- so the challenge for this week is… next time, we are going to talk about scripts in your marriage. See ya then
Episode 5: Read Your Spouse's Mind
Sep 15 2022
Episode 5: Read Your Spouse's Mind
The best mind readers study body language, have an uncanny ability to observe the smallest details, gather information surreptitiously, ask the right questions, and listen to everything. An old joke among mentalists (those who supposedly read minds) goes like this: you know it’s bad when you have to put your glasses on to read someone’s mind. Information Is the Key 1. Ask Questions Sometimes, even mind readers can make mistakes or misread the information they have gathered. The key to being right is to collect more information so you can be more accurate. Questions are the key to get- ting information, and information is the key to mind reading. You might ask questions such as these: Which coworker do I need to make disappear permanently? Seems like you had a rough day. Do you want to talk about it? A year from now, what do you think will be funny about this day? Was the entire day terrible? Questions are a way to continue the conversation, and they give you the opportunity to gather more information. 2. Listen When she says, “I’m exhausted!” you could say, “Tell me about it,” and then listen. Don’t try to fix the problem. Don’t make excuses for her coworkers. Don’t give her solutions on how she could handle herself better next time. Nope. Only listen. 3. Remember Expectations Part of what makes the mentalist’s work easy is that the audience is expecting him or her to dazzle them with their skill. Every little observed detail adds to the expectation and leaves the audience with greater awe. In the same way, knowing your spouse’s expectations helps avoid unnecessary tension between the two of you and positions you to serve her real needs, not her perceived needs. 3. Remember Expectations Part of what makes the mentalist’s work easy is that the audience is expecting him or her to dazzle them with their skill. Every little observed detail adds to the expectation and leaves the audience with greater awe. In the same way, knowing your spouse’s expectations helps avoid unnecessary tension between the two of you and positions you to serve her real needs, not her perceived needs.