Welcome to Deconstructing Gaslighting, where today, Sarah and her guest have an important conversation around systemic/collective gaslighting. THIS can be one of the hardest places to undo the effects of gaslighting. Join Sarah and her AMAZING guest as they laugh, share personal stories, geek out, and give some super-helpful tips to break free and effect change – personally AND systemically. Come follow Sarah on TikTok. She’s putting out some fun, but also very informative content, and believes it can only add to the things we’re learning together! Word of the day: In their conversation, Sarah’s guest today identifies four A’s to help us. Two of them are amends and atone. It’s important to describe the difference – both as something we must do, AND as something we get to require from those who have gaslit us and/or broken trust with us.  According to wikidiff.com, As verbs, the difference between amend and atone is that amend is to make better while atone is to make reparation, compensation, or amends, for an offence or a crime or a sin one has committed. Make BETTER AND REPAIR. That make better part – that’s called raising the bar, siss, and the both/and here is that we get to ask for it as much as we do it. The guest today is Bella J Rockman. Bella is a social scientist, neuropsychotherapist, and mental health media correspondent. Check out her JRock Therapy Academy and follow her on Instagram today!Story Time: Listen in as Sarah and Bella cover multiple facets as they have a candid conversation on the topics of collective/systemic gaslighting – where they’ve seen it, experienced it, and what we can do to change it!Set Your Alarm:Bella shared “The Four A’s” “right off the divine dome”. When, how, where, how many of these do you need to step in to?AcknowledgeAmendAtoneActionSarah stated, “We must ask, Is there more truth here than what I’ve been told?”And remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!

Does the way the word gaslighting is used make it difficult to know, FOR SURE, what is and isn’t gaslighting? The more it becomes a buzz-word, the more Sarah sees people left with more questions than answers when it comes to understanding gaslighting. We struggle to name the specifics of what we’re experiencing, continue to feel disempowered by focusing our power in the wrong places, are anxious due to the uncertainty of it all, and are OFTEN stuck in internal conflict. Sound familiar? Well today, Sarah lets you know how you can change that!Today Sarah highlights her 12-week Empowerment course because she knows many people are like her and get overwhelmed by lots of copy they have to read through. Word of the day: KNOWLEDGE! Britanica.com defines knowledge as: information, understanding, or skill that you get from experience or education. In the almost 10 years Sarah's been studying gaslighting, she's come to see how nuanced it is. The main point of gaslighting is the gaslightee losing connection with what they know to be true. So, HOW does a person who has LOST connection with trust in themselves stand their ground when they’re trying to decide if someone is gaslighting them? THAT is exactly WHY Sarah created her 12-week course. She has deconstructed all the moving parts of a gaslighting experience and broken them down into things YOU can understand, so that you can become SKILLFUL in knowing what is and isn’t gaslighting. Story Time: Sarah shares how her journey + passion = your journey - made easier. Deconstruction Zone: Sarah calls her 12-week course the Empowerment Sessions. It’s a 12-week immersive experience designed to offer people a space to sit with the information they learn and anchor it DEEP!  These are the topics we cover in the course:Week 1: The Journey BeginsWeek 2: The MethodsWeek 3: The TechniquesWeek 4: The TacticsWeek 5: The RolesWeek 6: Why We're Vulnerable:Week 7: Gaslighting Risks and Traps Week 8: Deconstructing GaslightingWeek 9: Relationship Healing:Week 10: Why We StayWeek 11: Embracing AwakeningWeek 12: CelebrationSet Your Alarm: Sign up for one of the course options below!Course only – 50% off (Enter coupon code: BlackFriday221)Course plus Designated Share Time – buy one get one freeCourse plus 1:1 sessions – free intensive to kick-start your journey (3 hours)While there’s no cap on the course only option, the DST and 1:1 do have limited spaces. These deals are live now and will close at midnight on Monday, Nov. 28th.If you want to make sure you secure your spot, sign up for the option you want here today!And remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!

Do you sometimes (or often) struggle to know when to stand your ground and when to compromise or hold space for the other person’s unhealthy, immature, or unpredictable behavior? THIS IS A COMMON STRUGGLE – one that can very quickly take us out of our knowing. Join Sarah and her guest as they talk about how she is currently experiencing this, and some things she can do to help her STAY IN HER KNOWING!Sarah wanted to invite you to come follow her on TikTok. She’s putting out some fun, but also very informative content, and believes it will only add to the things we’re learning together! Find her here.Word of the day: Should - according to Oxford Languages, should is a word used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone’s actions. This is one of the biggest red flags Sarah teaches her clients to pay attention to – whether it’s coming from someone else or ourselves. Should is a word that shifts our perspective EXTERNALLY, and the truth is something we find when our perspective STARTS INTERNALLY. Red flags are not automatic confirmation that gaslighting is happening – it’s a warning to slow down and get curious so that we’re not vulnerable to gaslighting. Let’s see how this is playing out in Sarah’s guest’s life right now.Story Time: Sarah and her guest, Beth, run the gamut and talk about a variety of things – focusing on the difficulty Beth has had standing her ground dealing with a beloved Aunt who is gaslighting, in large part, because of her dementia. They discuss some ways she can stay in a place where she can love both her Aunt AND herself at the same time. Set Your Alarm: A few highlights from today’s conversation:Pause and say to yourself, as often as you can, “Let me check in with myself”. Tap into your playwright and script out how a conversation with your gaslighter may go. Be ready for the bait, and response in a way that you don’t get sucked in and don’t “take the bait”. Sarah wanted to invite YOU to be a guest on the podcast.  If you’d like to share your story, get her brain on what you’ve experienced, and have her help you to be able to understand more clearly what has been happening in your relationship, please don’t hesitate to reach out to her and get on her calendar here!  And remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!

Are you in a situation where your main gaslighter is an ex that you share custody of your kids with? Do you, like Sarah’s guest today, struggle with co-parenting with someone who is actively still trying to gaslight you and/or your kids? Join Sarah as she has as “on-the-fly” semi-coaching session and help her guest receive some validation, support, and a few tips. Sarah shares about an epiphany she had a few weeks ago regarding her 12-week course – If you were to start the course the week of Oct 24th, you will get to a strategic part of the course JUST IN TIME for the holidays! You will have a whole new set of information to take into those often difficult family situations; you will have sooo many ways to be able to tell when gaslighting attempts are happening, and therefore, you will have so much more power to not engage in them! Also, you will have fresh eyes on things that will give you very powerful insight to carry into the remainder of the program. Read more about that here.  Word of the day: The word of the day today is EXPECT. Oxford Languages defines expect as: regard (someone) as likely to do or be something. At first glance, you might not think that expect or expectations would be a word connected to gaslighting, but it certainly is! One way in when we realistically/fairly SHOULD be able to expect another person, because of their role, to do or be something (like a mature, contributing co-parent), and the other person uses a variety of of gaslighting tactics to convince us that our expectations are Unrealistic. Sarah and her guest have a fantastic conversation around this experience. The guest today is Sally. Story Time: Sarah and Sally talk about the struggles Sally faces as she learns how to co-parent with an ex who continues to gaslight both her and her children. Deconstruction Zone: Sarah deconstructed things as she and Sally talked “on the fly”. Set Your Alarm: Since Sarah did things on the fly today, she wanted to remind you of some of the things she said to Sally that can help you set your alarm, too:Pay attention to undermining behavior by your co-parent – ESPECIALLY love bombing that ignores boundaries you have requested and/or agreed upon. Try to not gaslight your kids as you are trying to reassure them – you’re not responsible for painting your ex in a “good light”. Validate your child’s experience while with the other parent – get curious with them and help them process – especially that this is not about them/it’s not their fault. Sarah is inviting YOU to come have a conversation with her like she did today with Sally. You can be anonymous and safe, while feeling the power of sharing your story and helping others who are going through something similar to you. You can begin that process today by going to HERE! Thank you for listening to today’s episode.  If you found it helpful and want to help get it in the hands of more people who could benefit from it, please leave a review and subscribe. Additionally, if you can think of one person in specific who could benefit, please share it with them. And remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!

Can gaslighters get “better”? Can they stop doing gaslighting behaviors? Today, Sarah brought on a special guest, and you will get to hear the heart and actions of a person that was both a victim of gaslighting AND the gaslighter for many years – and is now not only FREE of the hold of that behavior, but is also helping many, many people heal. All three offerings of Sarah’s 12-week course are NOW OPEN! While we are waiting for the app to be approved, things are still a little glitchy, but spaces are already being filled, so if you’re interested in taking your understanding of gaslighting to the next level, go check it out here today!Sarah needs you! So, if you’ve been waiting for the “right time” to submit your story or question for the pod, please contact here today! Word of the day: Amends – as in, the making of – Merriam – Webster defines making amends as “to do something to correct a mistake that one has made or a bad situation that one has caused.” When you make amends, you go further than just saying, “I’m sorry.” You acknowledge your errors, then take action to make up for what has happened in the past. Now, this can get a little confusing when it comes to gaslighting, because someone who is NOT trying to truly make amends may say the right things, and step into the “Mr/Mrs. Perfect” role… some may even acknowledge their “mistakes”, but they lack the things that make for true amends.The pod guest today is Dr. Jake Porter. Check out his social media links and website! Facebook, Instagram, and Youtube. Story Time: Sarah and Jake talk about everything from attachments, to how gaslighting shows up in the intensives work he does, how he gaslit his congregation when he was a pastor early on in both his addiction and recovery, and how he made amends for the gaslighting he did. Deconstruction Zone: Today’s DZ is a little different. Sarah deconstructs how amends for gaslighting behaviors was made. While Jake didn’t do it perfectly, he gave a very good example of what a real amends looks, sounds, and, most importantly, FEELS like. For Jake, amends HAD to start with recovery. Part of that recovery process is doing a “Moral Inventory”. He acknowledged the things he had done and made either direct or LIVING amends, as needed for the other person’s/people’s best interests and healing. Set Your Alarm: Sarah points out two crucial things to be mindful of when you are trying to assess whether or not you think your gaslighter can “change”: Look to see if your person is actually working on their stuff and living out their amends verses faking it, by keeping track of their “progress”, and measuring whether there is consistency over time – not just for a month or even a few months… this should not be a season of life, this should be a lifestyle. A true amends includes empathy and remorse. Check out all the offerings Sarah has on her website and follow her on your...

Do you struggle with body image issues? Do you, like me, find it pretty much a daily battle to not only accept, but LOVE your body – just as it is? Today, we’re going to talk about how not only external, but INTERNAL gaslighting plays a role in our body image issues. Sarah is VERY passionate about helping others truly understand gaslighting. This is the foundation for being able to OPT OUT of gaslighting experiences. The best place to start with that is her free video series and workbook Sarah created to go along with it. Word of the day: The word of the day today is coercion. Coercion is one of the seven techniques Sarah teaches about in her 12-week course. Coercion is: a form of aggressive behavior, or the practice of compelling a person to involuntarily behave in a certain way by use of threats, intimidation, or some other form of pressure or force. Coercion is often connected to more OVERT forms of abuse, and gaslighting, per Sarah’s definition, is experienced through COVERT behaviors. So, how does coercion fit in to gaslighting? Multiple tactics are combined to create an experience where the “victim” is convinced that if they do not comply, they will be punished – usually, that punishment comes in the form of not being loved/accepted/valued, etc. Sarah goes into this in much greater detail in her course.The guest today is Leslie Jordan Garcia. Leslie is a well-being entrepreneur who works with individuals and organizations to decolonize wellness through better relationships with food and our bodies. You can follow her and learn about her course here. Story Time: Sarah and Leslie talk about sooo many great things – from how Leslie, as an elite athlete, was overweight by the army’s standards when she enlisted, to how race can impact body image, to how the diet culture has sold us a lie. Deconstruction Zone: Sarah deconstructs the process of self-gaslighting when it comes to body image issues.It starts with some sort of external message – either direct or indirect/spoken or unspoken. Within that message is coercion overlapping with brainwashing. We don’t know that we can challenge these thoughts, and we NEED to feel loved and wanted, so we unknowingly make an agreement that thin = desirable. The external gaslighting has internalized and we’ve assimilated our gaslighter’s message. We now gaslight ourselves. Set Your Alarm: Leslie shares her acronym, RAIN – Recognize, Allow to roll off, Investigate, and Natural Awareness. Set Your Snooze:Sarah ads in something we can do in that “Investigate” part of RAIN. To help you do this, when you’ve noticed you’re self-shaming/self-loathing your body, ask yourself, “If I were free to be me and love myself, and KNEW I wouldn’t be any more loveable/desirable/worthy than I am right now, how would I talk to myself; how would I feel about my body? Sarah suggests a few things that could be mantras you repeat as you are breaking agreements and writing your own narrative about your body: Our bodies are so much more than calories in and calories out. They don’t get to define me – they don’t get that power. I define me.  Friendly reminder: Sarah has new ways to go through her signature program.  Check it out and follow Sarah on your preferred social media platform: Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok. These are all places you can engage with Sarah and the work She’s doing.  And remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!

Have you ever sought out help – whether that be a therapist, religious leader, life coach, or even doctor – and not only did you NOT walk away from that experience with the help that you needed, but you ended up being further confused, possibly misdiagnosed, and re-traumatized? Today, Sarah and her guest deconstruct how gaslighting is almost always a part of these experiences and give you some tips on how to protect yourself moving forward.  Sarah is VERY passionate about helping others truly understand gaslighting. This is the foundation for being able to OPT OUT of gaslighting experiences. The best place to start with that is Sarah’s free video series, where you can also gain access to the workbook Sarah created to go along with it. Word of the day: Rationalization. Oxford Dictionary defines rationalization as the action of attempting to explain or justify behavior or an attitude with logical reasons, even if these are not appropriate. In the case of gaslighting, rationalization is used similarly to minimization (that’s why it’s “inappropriate). The guest today is Julie St. Onge. She is the Founder of The New England Betrayal Trauma Conference and New England Coaching Services. InstagramStory Time: Sarah and Julie talk about the examples from Julie’s life where she tried to get help, but was instead further traumatized, and how she was able to find good, trauma-informed help… and, how she’s turned that around into helping others. Deconstruction Zone: Sarah highlights how the helping professional -in today’s story, multiple pastors – ended up furthering the trauma that was being experienced by engaging in gaslighting behaviors.  The pastors rationalized away the harmful/abusive behaviors, and over-spiritualized the response to the abuse; they minimized Julie’s reality, threw her values into conflict, and basically created a diversion by placing the emphasis on spiritual principles (applied inappropriately) instead of addressing the abuse and giving Julie not only practical help, but “permission” to advocate for her safety. They minimized the risk she and her children were in, and changed (or attempted to change) the reality Julie was living day in and day out. Even they likely were not doing this on purpose – intent doesn’t really matter here. We don’t have to make excuses for helping professionals who step outside of their training, experience, and expertise. They need to do better. Set Your Alarm: Julie shares a few tips: take safety assessments; review the power-control wheel.Take stock of changes you notice in yourself (within 90 days) – if no change, add or change your helper.If you need to, advocate by saying, “I’m feeling stuck, can we have an evaluation?”Snooze button: Sarah encouraged that when it comes to helping professionals, don’t settle. You deserve to be heard, validated, and supported; you deserve to have a helper that sees you, listens to you, and helps you not only survive what you’re going through, but be able to believe in yourself and begin to thrive again. Good news! Sarah’s OMB is working out the final things on her website, so she’s just days away from having her new ways to go through her signature program be live on her website!  Go check it out and follow Sarah on

Do you have questions about gaslighting, or perhaps, you’d like someone – ANYONE – to help you understand whether or not your specific situation is one where gaslighting is happening? In today’s short episode, Sarah shares some ways you can get those answers. Sarah is on mission to help people move from a place of confusion and self-doubt into a place of clarity, confidence, empowerment, and peace – and she’d love to help YOU. Today’s episode is really just a check-in with her listeners – this summer created a number of opportunities that basically ended up in Sarah having a sabbatical from the podcast, so she wanted to let y’all know that she has some amazing guests lined up, but she’s not going to put up another episode until the first week in September.In the meantime, she wanted to invite you to consider bringing things to her that you would like to have feedback on or answers to. Here are some ways to do that, and important things to know:Whatever way you submit things to the podcast, you always have the opportunity to use an alias. If you’d like to ONLY submit your question/situation in writing, not only can you remain anonymous, you don’t even have to have your voice recorded; there are ways you can remain 100% anonymous if you’d like to.The two ways you can submit your story: 1) As you know, you can come on and be on air with Sarah on an episode – these end up often feeling quite a bit like a coaching session, and many of Sarah’s guests report back how helpful the experience was for them in a number of ways. 2) Sarah is now moving into taking written submissions. You would contact her, let her know you’d like to submit something, and she’ll email you with questions to answer to help her put your situation into her podcast format.The various types of situations you can submit: intimate partner, family of origin, religious, co-parenting, step-parenting/blended family, work, friend, therapeutic, cultural… and anything else you can think of! Set Your Alarm: In today’s alarm, here’s what you can do:Think about situations/relationships where you feel things are “off”, or you are plagued with self-doubt or confusion. Jot down some examples of common experiences that create this dynamic for you.Reach out to Sarah under the contact tab on sarahmoralescoaching.com. Reminder: Sarah is just DAYS away from going live with her new offerings for her 12-week signature program – you can go to sarahmoralescoaching.com NOW to read up on it, and get yourself hyped to get started! And if you haven’t already done so, start by going through Sarah’s free video series (what used to be called her workshop). And remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!

Does it ever feel like your gaslighter says and/or does things to push your buttons? This can happen in a variety of ways, with a number of different results. In today’s episode, Sarah and her guest deconstruct how she experienced her gaslighter doing what we call poking the bear. Would you like to share your story, get Sarah’s brain on what you’ve experienced, and understand more clearly what’s been happening in your relationship? Access the calendar here.  Word of the day: Exaggerate.  According to dictionary.com, to exaggerate is to magnify beyond the limits of truth; overstate; represent disproportionately. When it comes to gaslighting, we typically see this in two different flavors: the gaslighter exaggerating their wounds, OR, as we’ll see in today’s story, exaggerating “faults”… and when we say faults, it’s taking normal, human behavior, and exaggerating them so that they appear as character faults. Story Time: Sarah and Linda discuss how Linda came to see how her soon-to-be-ex-husband used this tool of exaggeration to paint himself as the victim, and was able to “poke the bear” in his interactions with her – especially once the divorce process began. Deconstruction Zone: Linda’s gaslighter used exaggeration to both exaggerate the impact on him and the intensity of her behaviors in order to change the narrative and paint himself as the victim. He used multiple techniques and tactics to do this: deception (lying), mind games, diversion and brainwashing, as well as distorting the facts. Gaslighting is an exchange – a discarding of our reality and a taking on of another person’s reality as our own.  We don’t know that we do it, AND, we need to see how/where it happened for us if we’re going to avoid it in other relationships.  We can see this exchange happen in Linda’s story – she was this kick-ass, single mom, getting shit done, and she became (because of the gaslighting) someone who doubted themselves deeply.  This is a common result of chronic gaslighting. Set Your Alarm: With exaggeration, Sarah gives her clients the UHH scale, as a sort of “fact checking”.  When someone paints themselves as the victim, they use words to try to convince you of how you’re hurting them, but the evidence does not support it. Ask yourself, where on the UHH scale does what I’m doing fall? As in almost every case – sink in to YOUR knowing. If your gaslighter is telling you your anger is out of control, etc., - get clear on how YOU would define these things. Your gaslighter doesn’t have to agree with you, but it changes the way we SEE OURSLEVES, which is key.  They can continue to hold whatever description of you they want – YOU know when you’re stepping out of alignment with how you want to behave when you are angry, etc. YOU DEFINE YOU. Nobody else gets to define you. If needed, check with other (safe) people to get feedback: “Is this how you see me?”. More likely than not, your safe people will tell you the truth (and it will likely be something like, “That’s ridiculous). Sarah is going to have some exciting new ways to go through her signature program, and she’s getting closer to launching them every day. Follow her on FB, IG, or TikTok.And remember – it’s not about becoming who...

Do you like to connect with the people you’re allowing to speak into your life? Like, maybe, people whose podcast you listen to? LOL. The more we get a sense of who someone is, how they live their lives, what’s important to them, the struggles they have, etc – the more we connect with them. The more we connect with them, the more we trust them – and trust is not an easy thing to come by when it’s been damaged for you. In today’s episode, Sarah does something she has NEVER done in any public arena – she’s invited her wife to come on the podcast to talk about their life together. Here's your weekly invitation to be on the podcast!  If you have any interest, please don't hesitate to contact Sarah – she’d love to address any concerns you might have and make it an experience where you are being helped, and she can help a lot of other people, too.  Click HERE to get the ball rolling. Sarah’s guest today is her wife, Melanie; she is the one that has been behind the scenes, supporting Sarah’s passion and pursuit of bringing her Deconstructing Gaslighting offerings to the world! Melanie is a graphic designer turned nurse, turned travel nurse. She loves experiencing new things and will never say no to trying a new cheese, beer/wine, or restaurant. She loves her people well, and her favorite day of her life was when Sarah said yes to marrying her. Story Time: Sarah and Melanie spend time answering both fun and “serious” questions about their relationship.Set Your Alarm: If there is a take-away from this episode, Sarah would love for you to take away: Don’t make concessions/settle Know your minimums and be mindful of the self-gaslighting of “I want too much”, and other limiting beliefs. You deserve to be loved well, too. Thank you, dear listeners, for joining Sarah and Melanie on their “date night”. They hope you enjoyed getting to know them a little bit, and maybe found some inspiration for setting the bar high in your own relationships.  And remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!

Sarah speaks to white women that consider themselves conservative Christians, who are struggling because of the internal conflict that is raging – because of the abuse of power they are witnessing.Unless people can see, and then confront the gaslighting that they have experienced, they won’t be able to see past the bullshit, and then do the wrestling they need to do in order to get out of that cognitive dissonance.Do you have an experience/topic for Sarah to connect to gaslighting? If so, click here to let Sarah know.Word of the day: Cognitive Dissonance - According to verywellmind.com, The term cognitive dissonance is used to describe the mental discomfort that results from holding two conflicting beliefs, values, or attitudes. This experience of trying to hold two conflicting beliefs is ALWAYS experienced as a result of chronic gaslighting.  Story Time: Today, Sarah gives a few examples from her own life of how she came to recognize the cognitive dissonance she was unknowingly experiencing and how she found peace. Deconstruction Zone: In all three stories, gaslighting tactics of distorting facts, ignoring reality that doesn’t support their agenda, refusing to accept answers they didn’t want, laying on guilt trips, being inconsistent with the use of principles/Bible verses, exaggerating the faults all were present. These things were used to manipulate, play mind games, and brainwash people into taking on not only their beliefs about abortion/race & racism/LGBTQ+, but ALSO, what must be done about it – as their own. Sarah highlights self-gaslighting when it comes to race/racism. A common, unaware gaslighting motive is a defense mechanism to fear/shame. She specifically names self-gaslighting through minimizing, ignoring the bits of reality we feel like we can’t “handle” or “don’t relate to us”, and exaggerating things that soothe our shame/fear/sense of powerlessness.Set Your Alarm: Two alarms today: 1) Those who are experiencing the cognitive dissonance:Acknowledge the internal conflict.  Question things that don’t sit right with you. You get to question anyone and everyone! Start here: what do I FEEL when I think about this issue (pay attention to your body cues); what do I like about the stance I’ve been taking/what are the values that support the stance I’ve been taking; what do I NOT like about the stance I’ve been taking/what values does it violate to have this stance?Be relentless in your pursuit of truth and consistency.  2) Those who want to talk with loved ones experiencing cognitive dissonance:Acknowledge/validate the conflict.  This is crucial, and where you should start. Make yourself available to share your views/how you came to see things the way you did. Point them to experts and resources that can help them with their conflict/CD.Hold your boundaries while holding empathy for the fact that your loved ones have themselves been gaslit, and will need to be able to see this before they can break free. Remember, it is not your responsibility to “educate” them or convince them of anything. It’s easy to get pulled out of our integrity and into debates and power plays and all the things – #1 priority is to stay in alignment with who you are/your values. Sarah is going to have some exciting new ways to go through her signature program soon!  Follow her on Facebook,

Divorce… an experience that most often involves mediation, attorneys, judges… potentially court… and the whole process can be filled with gaslighting! In today’s episode, Sarah talks with Kim Hansen Petroni, who specializes in helping women through this very specific journey that some of us have to go through. Listen in as she shares her story, and we discuss how to navigate this difficult process. Sarah wants you.. yes, YOU, to be a guest on her podcast. Please reach out and get on her calendar here!  Bio: The guest today is Kim Hansen Petroni, a betrayal trauma specialist who is a board-certified coach that is APSATS and Ercem certified. Her passion is supporting women as they walk through the isolating divorce process. To this end, she offers groups and has created a popular blog, called “not a casserole widow” which offers support for women going through high conflict divorces.Word of the day: Brave – Oxford languages defines brave as: ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage. Sarah reads an excerpt from Glennon’s book, Untamed, because to Sarah, going through the divorce process requires that kind of bravery. Story Time: Sarah and Kim talk about the ways Kim experienced gaslighting through her divorce process, and how others going through this can relate and learn from her experience.  Deconstruction Zone: Sarah mentions some general gaslighting behaviors to look out for when it comes to the people and circumstances often involved in the divorce process. She also sets the alarm here, too, by naming what we can do. Anyone – your attorney, mediator, judge – family – even yourself… ANY ONE who tries to convince you that your thoughts/feelings/needs aren’t valid – Doesn’t matter if you may not be able to “win” them! The starting point needs to be validation.From the opposing side (your soon to be ex, the other party’s attorney, etc): things that create conflict, confusion, and ESPECIALLY chaos – this is often a ploy to get people to “give up and give in”.Let that be your huge red flag to stop, ground yourself, and check in with your truth, and your support TEAM.  A few things to be mindful of that you have more control over: Know that it’s normal to be in a vulnerable position due to the nature of the “professionals” involved in this process: know that you don’t have to betray yourself and just listen to what they’re saying – you get to ask all the questions and try to fight for what you (and your kids, if you have any) need to feel safe and secure.Be aware of the urge to fight for your “reputation”, or to be “understood”.  Snooze button: Kim shares her top three tips:Divorce does not feel good (for most people)- Having someone (therapist, divorce coach) who specializes in trauma or high conflict divorce is immeasurable.Get clear on what you are fighting for! Find that TOP item, and make that your goal. You need support!  If you want to join Sarah  in a discussion around today’s topic, I invite you to get on TikTok and...

Are you trying to navigate dating as you are healing from gaslighting, trauma, betrayal, divorce, etc.? OR, maybe the thought of entering the dating world again scares the shit out of you! In today’s episode, Sarah brings on a dear friend who is currently navigating that scene. They discuss the things she’s learned about herself, others, AND how to navigate the shit show that dating can often end up being. Would YOU like to be a guest on the podcast, share your story, get Sarah’s brain on your experience, and have her help you get some clarity on what has been happening in your relationship? Reach out and get on Sarah’s calendar here!  Word of the day: Define…  Oxford Languages defines the word define as: to state or describe exactly the nature, scope, or meaning of.  When it comes to gaslighting and SELF-gaslighting, this is a super important word.  Gaslighting happens when someone tries to define – FOR US – exactly what we should think/feel/believe/perceive, and we unknowingly take on these definitions of who we are or how we should live – AS IF THEY WERE OUR OWN. This understanding is central to the discussion I have with my guest today, and the things she’s been learning about herself and dating this past year. Story Time: Sarah and Annie share some fun stories and talk about two main things Annie has learned over the course of her dating life post-divorce: gaslighting messages about WHO she should be dating and gaslighting messages about who she should BE while dating?Deconstruction Zone: Why self-gaslighting happens; most people, at some point in their lives, realize they’ve taken on things that aren’t in alignment with who they are, authentically.The normal, natural, HUMAN desire to be loved by another person is thrown into conflict with self-love when their gaslighter is telling them to think/feel/believe/perceive their way.Self-abandonment – this is almost ALWAYS a result of this conflict.  The fear of abandonment by the other person overpowers our fear of abandoning ourselves, so we do what we need to do to win the love of the other person. Set Your Alarm: Even though the theme of today’s episode is dating, anyone can apply some of the lessons, and set their alarms in a few ways.Get curious about what our “baseline”, or starting point, is regarding what we value/want/need in an intimate partner. Let’s talk about how we can figure out what that is:Acknowledge that there is a likelihood that you have been gaslit into taking on some things that aren’t authentically you.Get curious, and pay attention to the things that have been on auto-pilot, and then ask the following questions: Are these things other people told me that I should do, or are they my own (thoughts/feelings/beliefs)?Give yourself permission to ask these hard questions: Is this my belief, or did this come from outside of myself?  Does this actually feel good when I try to align myself with it? (Again, not SHOULD it feel good… DOES it feel good???!!!)Does it bring me peace and joy? Remind yourself that life allows for course corrections.  You GET to figure things out as you go, as long as you’re keeping yourself safe with good boundaries.Want to stay in the loop about the exciting new ways to go through Sarah’s signature program? Follow her on your preferred social media platform: Facebook,

Have you ever found yourself in the situation with your intimate partner where you feel like you’re not experiencing the type of connection and intimacy you were expecting… in fact, you get to the point where you are basically begging for intimacy, only to be told that either you want too much, OR, that you’re at fault in some way that they are withholding?  There’s a term for that, and in today’s episode Sarah shares that term, and unpacks what’s happening as she and her guest discuss how this played out in her intimate partnership. Sarah is on mission to help as many people as she can find clarity, peace, and empowerment, and she’d love to help YOU.  If you’d like to be on her podcast, please don’t hesitate to reach out to her and get on her calendar here!Word of the day: Intimacy Anorexia – According to healthline.com, Intimacy anorexia is a term coined by psychologist Dr. Doug Weiss to explain why some people “actively withhold emotional, spiritual, and sexual intimacy” from a partner. Now, while Intimacy Anorexia is NOT something I specialize in, gaslighting is almost always a tool people use to enable them to both withhold the intimacy AND keep their partner in the relationship. They do this by finding ways to blame you for the lack of intimacy – whether that be physical, sexual, emotional, or spiritual intimacy.  Taylor’s story is a clear depiction of this experience. Story Time: Taylor shares the story of how her intimate partnership went from one that seemed like a dream, to one where she basically was begging for connection, and felt it especially in the areas of emotional, physical, and sexual intimacy.  Sarah and Taylor discuss the ways her ex used gaslighting to make her feel like she was to blame for their lack of intimacy and keep her in the dark about his sexual indiscretions and addictive behaviors. Deconstruction Zone: Sarah names things Taylor’s ex did: Redirection/diversion was a constant; brainwashing via distortion of facts/exaggerating/criticizing coupled with withdrawal; controlling/coercion Sarah names self-gaslighting for Taylor – namely, in the form explaining away gut and settling. Set Your Alarm: If you related to today’s episode, here are some ways you can set your alarm:Research Intimacy Anorexia.  The term was coined by Dr. Doug WeissPay attention to diversion and DARVO!  Are YOU the one being blamed for the issues, or is your partner taking responsibility for their part in things?Pay attention to not just words, but words + actions + energy.  If they say their going to work on connecting – in whatever way, ARE THEY FOLLOWING THROUGH?  If they are following through, are they doing so, but with resentment? Ask yourself if you’re allowing your head to dismiss your gut.  Slow down and connect with your body – what is it telling you about your situation?Lastly, get real and call out the concessions you are making. Two important things: Starting THIS FRIDAY, Sarah’s going to host a one-hour livestream on Tiktok, where we will discuss the topic of today’s episode. Sarah is on the verge of both branching out AND developing a new way to participate in her 12 week program – if you want to be kept in the loop, and get even more information, tips, and tools, AND you want to have a few laughs along the way,

However you identify, can you relate to the principles in these song lyrics? I'm just a girl in the world - That's all that you'll let me be…(You know the words!)… No Doubt, Just a Girl.In today’s episode, Sarah and her guest Lauren talk about how a vacation at the beach with her family of origin brought some childhood gaslighting to the surface. You won’t want to miss the real-time “A-ha” moment she had while they were recording!If you’d like to shoot the shit with Sarah, like she does with Lauren in today’s episode, and have your own “A-ha” moment, Sarah would love to have you come on her podcast - hang out, talk about your gaslighting experience, get some insights, and have a good time together! Let Sarah know you’re interested here. Sarah’s guest today is Lauren.  You might remember her from the episode titled DARVO and the Dangling Carrot.  She’s an amazing human being, and Sarah was excited to have her on the show again! Word of the day: Approval.  Oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com defines approval as: the feeling that somebody/something is good or acceptable; a positive opinion of somebody/something. Listen, wanting someone’s approval has gotten a bad wrap.. it’s actually normal/natural/HUMAN to want approval. As we’ll hear in today’s episode, things go sideways when we make ourselves smaller, take on things that aren’t authentically us, or BOTH, in order to win that approval.  When it comes to gaslighting and approval, it’s not just the spoken things that gaslight us, as we’ll hear as Lauren shares her story.  Story Time: Sarah and Lauren discuss how a seemingly silly incident around her sister hearing thunder while at the beach with her family revealed to Lauren a prevalent gaslighting message she was exposed to growing up – one that had way more impact on her than she had realized!Deconstruction Zone: Lauren mentioned how there is a superiority complex in her FOO – often, in these kinds of environments, we experience things directly and indirectly that undermine our individualism; some combination of condescending attitude and words, being excluded, mockery, and likely some coercion.  The result is the message – again, usually UNSPOKEN, that if you want approval and belonging, you need to (be more like us; do things our way; prove yourself worthy, etc).  Set Your Alarm: This experience of making ourselves smaller and/or becoming things that aren’t authentically us isn’t solely a cis-gendered female experience.  ANYONE can and EVERYONE DOES experience this type of gaslighting one way or another.  So here’s how you can set your alarm:Gently, compassionately, look at your relationships; ask yourself: how important is it that I find approval from this person/these people?  Then ask yourself: do I make myself smaller to stay in a place of approval or belonging?  Do I try to be something that is not authentically me in order to gain/keep approval or belonging?  Remind yourself of the TRUTH that you will feel most alive, loved, and free when you are living out of a place of alignment with your authentic self!If you are finding yourself stirred as you listened to today’s podcast, and are ready to deconstruct the gaslighting that has happened in your life - schedule a consultation call with me today! You can do so here! And remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!

In today’s special episode, Sarah decided to go solo and take on the topic of gaslighting in politics.If you have a topic like todays, or perhaps a question or situation that you’d like Sarah to unpack in an episode, please head over to sarahmoralescoaching.com and submit your question/topic!Word of the day: Diversion: Collins English Dictionary defines diversion as an action or event that attracts your attention away from what you are doing or concentrating on. You may also hear people use the word deflection, which is a synonym. We are going to see this over and over again in today’s scenario.  When it comes to this often-used gaslighting tactic, we want to pay attention to whether or not our questions or concerns are ever actually being answered or addressed.  When we do pay close attention, we will find that almost always, our questions and/or concerns are NOT being answered or addressed. Story time: Sarah shares why the recent school shooting pushed her to FINALLY be willing to get political on her podcast. Deconstruction Zone: Sarah deconstructs a conversation between her senator, Ted Cruz, and a British reporter.She shows how MANY politicians confuse people, put their values into conflict, and keep their base voting for them. Sarah shares her POV that WE MUST WAKE UP to the fact that if we’re NOT paying attention to the political gaslighting happening – ESPECIALLY around gun reform in the US – we will almost assuredly keep voting for people that we otherwise wouldn’t. The most prolific political gaslighters use diversion to get us to focus on ONLY the things they want us to focus on, by manipulating us around the things we feel strongly about or value.  By reading through the conversation, Sarah shows how Senator Ted Cruz:Undermines/invalidates legitimate questions/statements made by the reporter by: being condescending, ignoring the question, changing reality by diverting blame, discrediting by distorting facts, and exaggerating the reporter’s behaviors;Cruz riles up and confuses his base by: using stigmatizing verbiage, distorting facts and shifting blame, presenting half-truths, overstating statements, and using brainwashing statements.Sarah gives a synopsis that answers her question at the beginning. Set Your Alarm: Sarah shares three tips/tools today: one for people who have unknowingly been falling into the trap of political gaslighting; one for people who are desperate to have conversations with people you care about who have fallen into said trap; and one general tip.  All three focus on slowing down and getting curious. Personal note from Sarah: I don’t know about you, but this was an intense one!  I know I took on a potentially polarizing issue.  I hope I have helped you see and/or think about some new things; I hope I have challenged you to seek out truth with empathy for yourself and others. If you have questions, please contact me via my website: sarahmoralescoaching.com.As I wrap up, I’d love to invite you to come be a guest on my podcast? You know where to find me.And remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are! And today more than ever before, the anthem of this podcast: Not Today…

Have you ever felt like you’re constantly putting out fires in your relationship while the other person stands and watches? How does this happen, and what part does gaslighting play in this dynamic?  Sarah unpacks that in today’s episode as she and her guest discuss how this played out in his intimate partnership. Sarah is on mission to help as many people as she can find clarity, peace, and empowerment.  The more she does this podcast, the more this is becoming her greatest passion.  She’d love to help YOU.  If you’d like to be on her podcast, please don’t hesitate to reach out to her and get on her calendar here.Sarah’s guest today is Dave. Word of the day: Responsibility.  Dictionary.com defines responsibility as: the state or fact of being responsible, answerable, or accountable for something within one's power, control, or management. Let’s look at one more definition – the definition of responsible: Oxford languages defines responsible as: being the primary cause of something and so able to be blamed or credited for it.  There are a number of ways someone can use gaslighting tactics/techniques to avoid taking responsibility for any number of things. As we dive into Dave’s story, we’re going to see a VERY clear picture of how his partner used gaslighting to paint himself as the Victim, in an attempt to pretty much never have to take on any responsibility.  Story Time: Sarah and Dave discuss the numerous ways he was gaslit by his partner, with a focus on how his partner used the line, “you (Dave) left me no choice (but to treat you this way) because (I’m the victim in one way or another).Deconstruction Zone: Today was about The Victim role, and how most often the Victim will not discuss or take responsibility for their own faults. What we see in Mike is the classic Victim persona: Highly self-centered; everything revolves around him; Appeals to/preys upon other’s compassion/empathy;***Would like to point out that most people don’t stay in one “role” – they overlap.  Sarah named Mike as vacillating between all the roles except maybe the Romancer.Set Your Alarm: Gaslighting crosses gender, orientation, and even type of relationship – meaning, it can be parent to child, friend to friend, intimate partner to intimate partner, etc.  If you related to what David experienced in his intimate partnership, and you want to be more “awake” to what’s happening, here’s how you can set your alarm:In addition to keeping an eye out for DARVO, which is when your gaslighter reverses things back on to YOU, pay attention to two things:If you’re not to blame for things, they blame anyone else they can – they are always the one that is the victim in the story.They never see or own up to their part (aka, they never take responsibility for the things that are “within their power, control, or management.”If you are finding the things Sarah is doing in this podcast helpful, check out her free workshop and signature program.  Remember– it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!

Have you ever had the experience of struggling with a label that someone has put on you?  Here’s a few for you: co-dependent; too much; too sensitive; intimidating; bitchy; too needy… or maybe, sometimes you’ve found labels to be helpful… here are a few: survivor; creative, empathetic.  How do labels and gaslighting connect?  How do I know if I’m carrying around labels that are a result of gaslighting?  This is what Sarah and her guest talk about in today’s episode.Sarah wants you.. yes, YOU, to be a guest on her podcast.  Whether it’s a topic like today’s podcast, or a personal story you want her to discuss – bring it!  If you’d like to be on her podcast, please reach out to Sarah and get on her calendar! Just click here.Our guest today is Gaelyn Rae Emerson: a certified professional life, relationship, and divorce recovery coach, credentialed by ICF and APSATS, with advanced training by The Gottman Institute, ISH, and SASH. Gaelyn coaches men, women and couples around the world, via her private practice, Women Ever After. She is also on-staff at CORE Relationship Recovery. Gaelyn is known for (and lives by) her collection of meaningful, expressive, and well-timed quotations. Word of the day: Label.  Merriam Webster: a descriptive or identifying word or phrase; or to put a word or words on (something) to identify or describe it. There’s another definition - Oxford languages: a classifying phrase or name applied to a person or thing, especially one that is inaccurate or restrictive.  This is where the gaslighting aspect comes in to play.  We are hit with labels from SO many different places – FOO, our culture, our society, religion, teachers, coaches, books, commercials, entertainment, and relationships (etc.!).  Many of the labels we’ve taken on, we don’t even realize we’ve taken on – which leads us to the discussion today of how to navigate when labels are “positive”, and when they are negative.Story Time: Sarah and Gaelyn share personal stories that demonstrate how labels can be restrictive, helpful, and sometimes both! Deconstruction Zone: When it comes to labels and gaslighting, the main techniques are manipulation, coercion, brainwashing, and indoctrination.  People unknowingly take on labels for numerous reasons.  Main categories would be: 1) because of the role of the other person; 2) desire for love/acceptance; 3) haven’t had the time to develop a connection to their knowing, or their connection to their knowing has been squelched. Set Your Alarm: When it comes to labels, we REALLY have to stay connected to ourselves so that we don’t take on labels that aren’t in alignment with either our experience or who we are.  So, how do we do that? Get curious: what labels do you currently carry?  Where (who/what and when) did they come from?  Why does this person get to define/label anything for you or about you?  What role have they played?  Check in with yourself: How do you feel when you hold each label?  Does it track? Turn the words should/shouldn’t into red flags… these carry a HIGH probability of self-gaslighting.Gaelyn shares her “Three P’s” to help you set a snooze button with this topic!Wrapping up today - If you are finding the things Sarah’s doing in this podcast helpful, she'd like to invite you to check out her free

Does your gaslighter HAVE to also be a narcissist in order for you to be experiencing gaslighting? Is it an automatic connection, OR, are there other possibilities?  Can people gaslight, and NOT be a narcissist… is it possible that they may not even be high in narcissistic tendencies?  In today’s episode, Sarah unpacks her copyrighted Gaslighting Scale to help answer these oh-so-important questions. Sarah wanted to share the importance of working with professionals who can help you sort out where on the scale your gaslighter may be.  Where your person falls on the scale makes a HUGE difference in how you can safely engage with them (if at all).  In addition her workshop, she wanted to let you know about her signature, 12-week program… which she created for this very reason – to help people find clarity and confidence as they navigate if they can safely stay in their relationship with the person that is gaslighting them.  If you’re in the place in your healing journey where you know this is what you need, check out the program here.   Most of you have heard Sarah’s story, so you know she is a survivor of emotional and psychological abuse.  As such, she would NEVER do anything to minimize the impact gaslighting behaviors have on people.  Impact is NOT in question when she talks about her scale – INTENT, however, is… hang with Sarah for a few minutes while she shares her broken arm analogy with you.Word of the day: Awareness Vocabulary.com defines aware as having or showing knowledge or understanding or realization (of something or someone).  When it comes to gaslighting, for a long time, the Charles Boyer character from the movie, “Gaslight”, was the epitome of what people thought of when they pictured a gaslighter: someone who is fully aware of what they’re doing, they’re doing the gaslighting behaviors ON PURPOSE, and with the INTENTION to break or control the other person.  When Sarah first started studying gaslighting and came across Dr. Robin Stern’s book, her stomach sank when she realized she had, at times, been gaslighting her kids.  This was the beginning of Sarah challenging this notion that “all gaslighters are narcissists”. Story Time & Deconstruction Zone: Sarah shares her Gaslighting Scale©, and goes through the levels of awareness, and three groupings of motive/agenda/intents people who do gaslighting behaviors may have, giving examples along the way. Set Your Alarm: So, how can you use this information as a tool? Give yourself permission to have BOUNDARIES – whether you have the messy gaslighter or the full-on abusive gaslighter – YOU GET TO ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED IN ORDER TO BE SAFE!  Get curious about any/all of the gaslighters in your life – where might they fit on this scale? What level of awareness might they have?  What might be their reason/motive/intention behind their behavior?  Getting clear on these things DIRECTLY impact whether or not its safe for you to stay in the relationship and see if the other person can change.  (I have more information around this in both my free workshop – and for deeper work, my 12-week program).  If you’re ready, consider how/where YOU might fit on this scale – are you unknowingly...

Most of us have some sort of understanding of what trauma is.  And also, far too many of us understand betrayal… but did you know that there is this whole thing called betrayal trauma? For those who have experienced it, finding those two words together is a game changer. In today’s episode, Sarah and her guest will discuss how gaslighting is pretty much ALWAYS a part of the betrayal trauma experience. Sarah is on mission to create a community – partially here, through this podcast, but also through a private, on-line community where there will be both a written forum AND live Q and A sessions with her.  It’s called Deconstructing Gaslighting Seekers Community, and she’d love for you to join.  Check out the details here.Word of the day: Many people who have experienced betrayal in their intimate partnership don’t find the answers they need to understand what they’re feeling until they discover these two words:  Betrayal Trauma.  If someone close to you has ever broken your trust, you’ve likely felt the sting of betrayal. This pain can leave deep wounds.  Now while any type of betrayal can cause emotional distress, betrayal trauma happens when someone you depend on to respect your needs and generally help safeguard your well-being violates the trust you’ve placed in them. This type of betrayal can cause lasting trauma.  ALMOST ALWAYS, you will find gaslighting to be a main component of how the betrayal occurred.  Storytime: Sarah and Kenna discuss the dual-betrayal Kenna experienced when her then husband had an affair with, and then left her for, her next-door neighbor and best friend. Deconstruction Zone: The main point today has to do with the tactic of inconsistency.  Inconsistency has numerous “flavors”, or ways it can be experienced.  It often depends on what other tactics it’s overlapping with… Kenna shared a variety of examples where her first husband would say something that was a criticism/put down, and then somehow twist it into it being how they were being helpful to her.  This is an example of inconsistency overlapping with double-speak.  This combo creates mind-games that can really undermine us.  There’s a huge difference between someone who has our back/loves us/cares about us and is what we call an “intimae ally”.  Set Your Alarm: The double-speak/inconsistency duo is not even remotely about looking out for the other person – even IF the person says it is.  When we are trying to “help” another person, there really shouldn’t be ANY put-downs involved.  So, if you are experiencing this gaslighting tactic combo, I encourage you to slow down and give yourself permission to ask yourself a few questions: Where did the put-down happen?  How did this put-down make you feel?Do you think there is ANY validity to the point?If so, then how would a loving ally bring the issue up to you?If not, then do I feel safe having a conversation with this person around how you do not see yourself this way, and to stop using put-downs to communicate their points. If it’s not safe to have that type of conversation, then try to work on boundaries/limits with this person.As always, if you would like to share your story on Sarah’s podcast, She’d love to have you!  Just click here!  And remember – it’s not about becoming who you want...