After 17 goddamn years, Miami detectives main character Mike Looowwwrey and secondary, goofy ass Marcus Burnett must face off against a mother-and-son pair of drug lords who wreak vengeful havoc on their city, but a secret looms between them all... the son is Mike's son. there. spoilers. whatever. it's a good movie.

After 8 years, two loose-cannon narcotics cops (who've gotten some gnarly raises and promotions) investigate the flow of Ecstasy into Florida from a Cuban drug cartel alongside Dwyane Wade's ex-wife. fun fact: the movie has 4 acts.

Two hip but very loud detectives protect an incredibly sexy witness (that i would personally love to see handcuffed far more often) to a murder while chaotically investigating a case of stolen heroin from the evidence storage room from their police precinct. more jokes, more jokes, how hot i think both Tea Leoni and Marg Helgenberger are...i'm tired. the synopsis is there.

When Tony Stark and Bruce Banner get all sneaky sneaky and try to jump-start a dormant peacekeeping program called Ultron which, let's be real, just sounds like he's gonna wind up being a bad guy, things go horribly wrong (because conflict and/or fucking duh), and it's up to Earth's mightiest heroes to stop the villainous Ultron from enacting his terrible plan. But first they gotta squabble like a harem of brother-husbands and sister-wives. Civil war...man, you didn't see that coming?

The Guardians struggle to keep together as a team while dealing with their personal family issues, notably Star-Lord's encounter with his father the ambitious celestial being Ego, and also Rocket being a relentless douche.

A group of intergalactic criminals who are not 100% dicks must pull together to stop a fanatical smurf-like idiot with massive anger issues who plans to purge the universe after he accuses them or something.

As Steve Rogers heroically and handsomely struggles to embrace his role in the modern world, he teams up with a fellow Avenger and S.H.I.E.L.D agent, Black Widow, and the equally heroic and handsome Sam Wilson/Falcon to battle a new threat from history: a former best friend turned assassin known as the also handsome Winter Soldier.

When the (legitimately) Dark Elves attempt to plunge the universe into (even more) darkness (because dark already isn't dark enough), Thor must embark on a perilous and personal (and dark) journey that will reunite him with doctor (darktor, HA!) Jane Foster.

in episode 50, Tony Stark's world is torn apart by a formidable terrorist called the Mandarin (which kind of sucks because in the comics he's a WAY better villain), so he starts an odyssey of rebuilding and retribution, which kind of works when you consider the future of the MCU, but it fails to deliver a payoff after the Avengers. the barrel of monkeys is cool though. WELCOME TO EPISODE 50, BITCHES!!

for our last drinking game of the year, we celebrate an uptight CEO sister who threatens to shut down her brother's branch, Jason Bateman plays the same character as always but a little different when throws an epic Christmas party in order to land a big client and save the day, but the party gets way out of hand, and that's a severe understatement... drink up, suckahfish. see you in 2023.

The Muppets present their own touching (and highly accurate) rendition of Charles Dickens' classic tale, and it's quite literally the greatest christmas movie of all time.

On the outskirts of Whoville lives a green, probably smelly, revenge-seeking Grinch humanoid thing who plans to ruin/steal Christmas for all of the citizens of the town that share one roast beast every holiday, even though it straight up doesn't seem like enough. Like...how many roast beasts per capita (if we only knew the amount of Whos in Whoville) does it take to feed a town?

A selfish, cynical, hilarious television executive is haunted by three weird ass ghosts bearing lessons on Christmas Eve, and quite frankly it's shocking how he doesn't realize he's living the very show he's producing...

With their daughter, Blair, away in Peru for, like, ONLY 4 weeks, Luther and Nora Krank decide to skip Christmas all together until she decides to come home at the last fucken minute, which is kinda rude, causing an uproar when they have to celebrate it at the last minute. It all could have easily been avoided if they just said fuck it and stuck to their guns. cowards.

In the 1940s, an annoying little shit head named Ralphie Parker attempts to convince his parents, teacher, and a drunk Santa Claus you can smell through the tv that a Red Ryder Range 200 Shot BB gun really is the perfect Christmas gift, until he actually shoots his eye out like a fucken nerd.

During their Christmas break, a group of sorority girls are stalked by a a dude with severe mental illness and an affinity for blow up dolls. ....i'm assuming.

A boy who has a bad Christmas accidentally summons a festive demon to his family home, even though several other boys in several other Christmas movies have bad holidays, and shit like this NEVER happens.

A controversial true crime writer who likes the idea of being controversial than actually writing, finds a box of super 8 home movies in his new home, revealing that the murder case he is currently researching could be a continuous work in progress of an unknown serial killer goblin thing, (Gaba Ghoul, we think) whose legacy dates back to the 1960s and earlier based on King Pin's face time ramblings. JUMP SCARE!

Aliens who look like clowns come from outer space and terrorize a small town. there are no jokes to add to this synopsis. it's the most straight forward description of a movie in history.

Freddy Krueger somehow coerces Jason Voorhees to return to terrorize the teenagers of Elm Street, because there's been some weird connection there all along? Only this time, as the screenwriters have so cunningly set up, they're out to get each other, because SHOCKER! the synopsis twist is also the whole movie's fucking title.