The Stuck Stops Here ©

Tami Atman, LW Nolie

Toxic family patterns travel though generations until someone decides to take the brave and painful step to end it. My name is Tami and my cohost is LW. We are ordinary people sharing what we have learned in hopes to inspire other ordinary people to wake up, heal, laugh and find their own path to healing. We are not life coaches. We are not licensed therapists. We keep it raw and real and want to the be the voice of the unheard and take the subject of emotional abuse more seriously than we take ourselves...and we use bad words. I hit rock bottom in 2014. It was a painful process to understand and accept that my parents (and my grandparents) were not good people that act bad sometimes, but sadly bad people that act good sometimes. For the last 100 + years, my family lived lives filled with rage, blame, greed, rejection, abandonment, shame, guilt and lies while pretending everything was fine. On my healing journey, I faced the emotionally toxic ties between myself and my ancestors that caused both sides of my family to in denial and to live false unhappy lives. Until a few short years ago, I could not answer the question "Who am I? Breaking free from poisonous (and invisible) familial chains was difficult and resulted in an identity crisis and total collapse - more than once. To mourn the childhood I deserved and didn't get as well as mourning the loss of people who are still alive was and continues to be life defining. My healing journey resulted in dozens of AHA! moments and I ended up discovering that my existence was dictated and controlled, both consciously and unconsciously, by a long history of emotional abuse and neglect. I learned about self-compassion and about the role I played in my own misery. My journey, has led to a podcast and book both called The Stuck Stops Here, as well as writing lyrics for 2 music albums. My life purpose is to engage, entertain, inform and inspire anyone seeking validation, healing and compassion. Content and lyrics created by author, Tami Atman. Podcast and music produced by LW Nolie.

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Karma Delivers and it Sucks
Mar 25 2022
11 mins
Karma Delivers and it SucksBigger! Better! Faster! More! Now!Now You See Me. Now You Don't.Be Silent and Obey the System 🤫3 Miserable Musts and 8 Destructive Beliefs (Dr. Albert Ellis)Codependency Defined-Redefined-Explained-RenamedYou Stay There.  I Will Go Here.10 painfully good things and 10 uncomfortable great thingsI'm Back. Less Bitter. Better.Seeing the light with Gina  Defa🕯️Psychological resilience with Dr. Lise Deguire ❤️‍🩹Healing the physical effects from parental emotional abuse with Special Guest - Vera Wilhelmsen🤒STEPpin' It Up - A Surprising Reconciliation 🔑🔓Creating space for The Conversation with Colleen Perry  🔊👂Counter-dependency (Radical Self Reliance)🤐🤫
Codependency, the habit of gaining your self worth from pleasing others, is something most people know of nowadays. But it’s lesser known opposite, called counterdependency, can be just as much of a problem and is often related to codependency.  Those who suffer counterdependency have a dread of ever depending on or needing anyone, at heart of which is an inability to trust. If there was a mantra that all counterdependents have, it would probably be “I don’t need anyone.”   It can cause intense (if often well hidden) feelings of loneliness. This can often spiral into depression and anxiety. If it isn’t the loneliness that causes severe low moods, it’s often the hidden low self-esteem that counterdependents suffer from, which is one of the leading pathways to major depressive episodes.  I appeared strong, secure, hardworking, and successful on the outside. On the inside, I was ashamed, insecure, and fearful.  Counterdependents may function well in the world of business, but are often insecure in the world of relationships. Frequently they have poor social and emotional skills, are afraid to get close to others, and avoid intimate situations as much as possible. They also create a lot of defenses to prevent anyone from seeing their secret weaknesses, neediness and vulnerability. I put on a good front to prove that I was okay and do not need anything from anyone. These defensive tactics create feelings of loneliness, alienation, and a sense of “quiet desperation.”https://weinholds.org/the-flight-from-intimacy-healing-counter-dependency/
Jan 12 2021
14 mins
A Poem and an Unsent Letter🖊️✍️Subtle Abuse With Not So Subtle Results 🔨🧰
Dec 9 2020
33 mins
Guilt and Shame are NOT the Same 😲
Shame is often referred to as “the toxic cousin of guilt. Guilt says “I’ve done something bad”.  Shame says “I am bad”.  Shame may show up in some of these ways: feeling inferior, defective, flawed, worthless, phony, and unlovable. For codependents, shame can lead to control, caretaking, and dysfunctional, nonassertive communication. Shame creates many fears and anxieties that make relationships difficult, especially intimate ones. Many people sabotage themselves in work and relationships because of these fears. You aren’t assertive when shame causes you to be afraid to speak your mind, take a position, or express who you are. You blame others because you already feel so bad about yourself that you can’t take responsibility for any mistake or misunderstanding. Codependents are afraid to get close because they don’t believe they’re worthy of love, or that once known, they’ll disappoint the other person. The unconscious thought might be that “I’ll leave before you leave me.” Fear of success and failure may limit job performance and career options.  When we feel guilty, we are looking outward and seek to reverse the harm we caused. When we feel ashamed, we turn our attention inward, focusing on the chaos churning inside us and are unable to recognize what is going on around us. Authentic parental connection, unconditional love and attunement from the day you are born is a foundation for self-esteem, self-acceptance and self-love.  Too many of us don’t get that.  Instead, we get ignored, rejected, criticized, judged, belittled, controlled and manipulated and grow up into adults that feel undeserving, inadequate, angry and inferior…all leading to shame. I perceived everything through a shame filter, even when it wasn’t intended that way, it distorted my perception, created a manic hypervigilance to my environment and blocked authentic connection with myself and the people in my life.  Compassion is the anecdote to shame. Healing requires a safe environment where you can begin to be vulnerable, express yourself, and receive acceptance and empathy. Then you’re able to internalize a new experience and begin to revise your beliefs about yourself. It may require revisiting shame-inducing events or past messages and re-evaluating them from a new perspective. Usually it takes an empathic therapist or counselor to create that space so that you can incrementally tolerate self-loathing and the pain of shame enough to self-reflect upon it until it dissipates. When we step back from momentary experiences that trigger shame and observe it without self-loathing, we are strengthening our capacity for self-reflection.  Toxic parents shamed the real you into oblivion.  Awareness and acceptance will expose the “you are not good enough lie” that we were told by people who didn’t know better.  When you bring compassion to your daily thought process, you’ll be empowered and liberated by a shift in your thinking and well-being and you will feel less isolated.https://self-compassion.org/ https://www.johnbradshaw.com/ https://healingfromhiddenabuse.com/
Dec 3 2020
34 mins
Pain of Thrones, Comparisons, Pedestals and Death of Joy.  < >Passion For Or Addiction To ???? 🤷‍♀️🧠