IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

Ben Pugh

This podcast will help parents of teens keep life's struggles as a teen, and as a parent of a teen, in perspective. Parents will learn real tools to help them help their teens. They will learn how to build a rock solid relationship with their teen so they will have a powerful impact and a positive influence on their teen's life.
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Daily Habits for Parenting Success
Daily Habits for Parenting Success
Daily Habits for Parenting SuccessSet Your Intention Each DayLast thing before you go to bed, set your intention for the following day. First thing when you wake up in the morning, remind yourself of and commit to your intention.Here's some examples from my life.Today I will listen with curiosity, patience, and love.Today I will be fun, energetic, and engaged with my children.Today I will learn a new way to connect with my 15 year old son.Commit to Connection DailyBe 100% committed to connect to your teen.Choose to love your teen.Show them that you love them.Show them that you are confident that they will be okay. Let them know that you trust that EVERYTHING will be okay. Connect with them right where they are. Stay calm, listen, treat your teen with kindness and fairness, and do your best to let them know that you aren't mad and that you love and care about them.Embrace the MomentFar too often we are guilty of not being present. Don't try to avoid the moment. Don't try to fix, change, or improve it. BE IN THE MOMENT.Be in the moment WITH your teen!Manage Your MindI like to use the Self-Coaching ModelI also like to use the Be, Do, Have Model. I am starting to get into journaling and writing.Sharing what I've learned with others.Trust Yourself, Your Teen, and the ProcessThis one is HUGE for me this year.Trust will change everything. You are exactly what your teen need, they are exactly what you need and want, and the process you two are experiencing is exactly what you need. Let Go Of Things Outside of Your ControlThis is hard, but so powerful.When you hold onto things outside of your control, you lose power and energy. When you let go, you have more power and energy to put towards things within your control. Let go of your teen's model and manage your own!Practice, Practice, PracticeOne of my favorite lessons, and one I came up with myself, is the "Wheel of Time."When you're on the top of the wheel, practice and prepare for when you are on the bottom. When you're on the bottom of the wheel, just keep going and do your best to do what you practiced at the top of the wheel. Life is all about practice and improvement. It doesn't have to be pretty or perfect.Be Willing to Be Wrong and/or Make MistakesOne of the things that divides parents and teens is when one or both of them are committed to being "Right!"Be willing to be wrong. Let your teen be "Right!"Be willing to make mistakes. Be the example of what to do when you make mistakes. Be The Change You Want to SeeIf you want your teen to be something else, YOU Be that change!If you want your teen to be more confident, YOU Be more confident in both your teen and yourself. Play to Your StrengthsLast but not least, play to your strengths. Yes, you have weaknesses, and if you're listening to this podcast you probably want to address your weaknesses, but trust your strengths. God gave you strengths that are unique to you.Trust them and use them!Call to ACTION!Come join me in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership! Start being the parent of your dreams TODAY!JOIN HERE!
5d ago
19 mins
Trust - My Word for 2022
Why Is Trust Important To Me?One of the reasons that I've chosen "TRUST" as my word of 2022 is because I often catch myself not trusting myself and others. One of the things that I've found is that the more I trust myself, the more my business grows. Another thing I've found is that the more I trust others, the better I feel. I would rather trust people than distrust them. I like how it feels better than distrust. So this year as a parent, I'm committing to trust myself. I'm trusting that I am exactly the parent that my children need. I'm trusting that my best is good enough. I'm trusting that my instincts are there to serve me.I'm choosing to trust my family because I like how I feel when I trust them. I'm choosing to trust that my teen is capable of overcoming anything!I'm choosing to trust that EVERYTHING always has been, is, and will be okay!How Does Trust Impact Your Life?If you're like most parents of teens, you've probably found yourself having a hard time trusting your teen. It's easy to distrust your teen, but who does that affect the most? Most of the parents that I coach on this report that when they distrust their teen, they feel skeptical, distrustful, and anxious/worried. The lack of trust changes how you feel, which changes how you parent. Most of the parents that I've coached on this report that when they at least want to trust their teen, they feel more love and compassion towards their teen. When parents are actually able to choose to trust their teens, they report feeling more confident and empowered. Would you rather parent from the emotions of skepticism, distrust, fear, and worry or from compassion, love, and confidence. When you embrace trust, you will be able to let go of things that are actually outside of your control. I want to invite you to practice trusting that your teen is doing their very best!In fact, imagine that you actually believed that. How would you feel?Trust it!I promise, your teen IS doing their very best!Trust Is a Powerful ChoiceTrust is a choice. I get it. It can be a hard choice to make. It's easy to choose to distrust someone, even yourself. But look at it this way. Whether you trust or distrust someone ONLY affects YOU!Choosing not to trust someone changes how you feel towards that person. I choose to trust that everyone is doing their best. Choose To Trust YourselfWhen I first started my business, I didn't trust myself. I delayed starting my podcast because I didn't trust that I had anything worth saying. I delayed getting certified as a life coach because I didn't trust that I would be good enough. If you've delayed joining the Firmly Founded Parent membership, it's probably due to a lack of trust with yourself. I get it. I used to not trust that I could change and improve. I want to invite you to trust yourself. Trust your ability to grow. Trust that I can help you!Choose to trust!Call to ACTION!Come join me in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership! Start being the parent of your dreams TODAY!JOIN HERE!
Jan 13 2022
20 mins
Your Teen's Model
Don't Try To Force The Model On Your TeenOne of the most powerful tools that I teach is the Self-Coaching Model! When I teach it to parents they love it and say it makes total sense.Usually when I teach it to teens the model they love it.But, I've noticed a trend with teens whose parents are coaches or who have coaches. Oftentimes, these teens tell me, "I hate the model!" Every time this has happened, it's because their parents have tried to force the model on them or tried to get them to change their model somehow.I totally get it. I love the model. It's so powerful. I want all teens to know, understand, and use this tool, ESPECIALLY my teen.I love parents teaching the model! I love parents talking their teens through the model. My warning is this . . . . . . Don't try to force the model on your teen. . . . Don't try to change your teen with the model.If you do, they are likely to hate it.So, How Can You Help Your Teen Learn The Model?One of the most powerful ways that you can help your teen learn the model is by managing your own model. Another way is by realizing that you only change the circumstance of your teen's model. The biggest thing is, manage your model and let your teen manage theirs. Be Open To Your Teen's Thoughts One of the things that I teach people to help them use the model is to do thought downloads.One of the biggest mistakes that I see parents making is parents try to change their teen's thoughts by telling them, "Don't think like that," or "Don't talk like that."When I teach people to do thought downloads, I tell them it's important to be aware of ALL of your thoughts. When your teen is complaining to you or venting to you, or just telling you what they are worried about, see this as them doing a thought download with you. You are their paper, and they are just pouring out their thoughts to you. Validate Their FeelingsEmotional Health is the ability to feel any and ALL emotions and to identify and process them. Far too many parents try to manage their teen's emotions. This is actually the opposite of emotional health as it is encouraging the teens to only feel certain emotions and to avoid identifying and processing the feeling. Give Them Autonomy to Take ActionIt's hard to see your teen do things that you completely disagree with. I totally get it. I'm a human and a parent too. It's hard, but you CAN'T control your teen. It's not your jobTrust and Let Them Own Their ResultsOne of the things I see parents doing is blaming themselves for their teen's results. This takes power away from your teen. If you want to give power back to your teen, respect their results. Let them own it.Another problem that I see is parents catastrophizing about their teen's results, believing the their results are "wrong" or "bad" or that their results should be different. Your teen is the only one who can create their results!Trust that their results are theirs and that their results are exactly what they need.Manage Your Own ModelBottom line is this, MANAGE YOUR OWN MODEL!You can't control your teen's model, and any effort trying to control their model is simply wasted energy that could be spent managing your own model.I promise you, if you want to improve your relationship with your teen, do your own mental and emotional work. Practice connecting with your teen right where they are. Call to ACTION!Come join me in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership! Start being the parent of your dreams TODAY!JOIN HERE!
Jan 6 2022
28 mins
From Tough to Powerful Parenting Moments
What's a "Tough" Parenting Moment?Bottom line is, whether or not a parenting moment is "TOUGH" or not is based on your thoughts about the moment. Tough parenting moments can be anything from a fight with your teen, to broken rules, to letting go and letting your teen make their own mistakes. If you're like most parents, you've experienced tons of "tough" parenting moments. You know the frustration, disappointment, anger, and even sorrow that can come with tough parenting moments. What you might not know is that these tough parenting moments are actually HUGE opportunities!These moments are opportunities for growth, for both you and your teen, and for powerful connection.Most Parents Want "Tough" Parenting Moment to Go AwayMost parents simply want these tough parenting moments to go away. Tough parenting moments can be super uncomfortable, but that's not the answer. When it comes to tough parenting moments, most parents spend tons of energy trying to make the problem go away or trying to change their teen, hoping that will make it go away. If you're like most parents, you're probably guilty of avoiding tough parenting moments. The bottom line is, tough parenting moments aren't the problem. If you're trying to avoid tough parenting moments, you are missing out on powerful parenting moments. "Tough" Parenting Moments are Actually HUGE Opportunities If you're like most parents and trying to skip, change, or avoid tough parenting moments, you're going to miss these huge opportunities. Instead, I want to invite you to start looking at this "tough" parenting moments as opportunities. I want you to start looking for opportunities in two areas, growth and connection. Growth If you're experiencing tough parenting moments, these are nothing more than opportunities to grow. It's only tough because it's challenging. Challenges force us to grow. Commit to learning whatever lessons are there to be learned. Not only will this help you grow as a parent, but this is part of the process of continual development. Don't pass up the opportunities for growth because you're trying to avoid these "tough" parenting moments. ConnectionThis was one of my secrets as a high school principal and one of the reasons I was so successful. "Tough" parenting moments are an opportunity to build and improve your connection with your teen. I learned this as a principal. I noticed that often, when I had to discipline my students because they had gotten in trouble, afterward we had a way better relationship than we had had before. I had the power to turn these moments of students being in trouble into powerful moments of connection and friendship. All I had to do was stay calm, listen, treat the student with kindness and fairness, and do my best to let them know that I wasn't mad and that I cared about them. And here's the best part.This made those "tough" principaling moments even easier. You can do the exact same thing and make tough parenting moments powerful opportunities for connection. These are nothing more than opportunities to stay calm, listen, treat your teen with kindness and fairness, and do your best to let them know that you aren't mad and that you love and care about them. How To Turn "Tough" Parenting Moments into Powerful Parenting MomentsFind the opportunitiesCommit to connectionEmbrace the momentCall to ACTION!Come join me in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership! Start being the parent of your dreams TODAY!
Dec 30 2021
23 mins
Better than Happy with Jody Moore
It's Common to Think Your Not Good EnoughWe have 60,000 thoughts each day. 85% of those thoughts are negative. 95% of those thoughts are habitual thoughts. It's okay! This is part of being human. You do though, have the power to retrain your brain and develop new thought patterns. It's natural to think that you are not good enough, but I promise you that you are good enough! You are exactly the parent that your teen needs. Now, you get to move forward and become the parent of your dreams. Powerful QuestionsThe quality of your life is a reflection of the quality of questions that you ask yourself. Jody shared some powerful questions. Who do I want to be NOW?What would love do?What's the most loving thing to do next?What if nothing's gone wrong here?What if this was always meant to happen this way?I like to ask "How can I be the change I want to see in the other person?"Reprograming Your Brain Is UncomfortableResisting your emotions slows down the process. You get to choose how you think.Embrace your present reality!Practice identifying and understanding your thoughts. It's natural to think negatively, and most of our thoughts are simply habitual and patterns. Your Children's Struggles Make them StrongerThe experiences our children go through give them confidence. They gain confidence, compassion, identity, skills, everything from overcoming trials.This is something that I am actually working on in my home with my teenagers, all of my kids actually. I want to allow them, invite them, and even challenge them to do hard things. This helps me fulfill my role as a dad. It also helps my kids develop so many qualities that I want them to develop. Better Than Happy by Jody MooreBetter Than Happy Amazon linkBetter Than Happy Audible linkYou can learn more about Jody at: Jodymoore.comCall to ACTION!Come join me in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership! Start BEing the parent of your dreams today. JOIN HERE!
Dec 23 2021
39 mins
Boundaries Made Simple
Boundaries Aren't Meant to Control AnyoneOne of the biggest mistakes I see parents making when it comes to boundaries is when they make a boundary hoping that it will change their teen's behavior. Anytime you are hoping to change your teen's behavior, that is more of a manual or manipulation than it is a boundary. Boundaries aren't meant to control anyone, especially not the other person.It is important to remember that you cannot control anyone other than yourself. Any effort made to control your teenager is an example of your focus being on things outside of your control. This positions you as a victim because you are at the mercy of someone other than yourself. Boundaries Are More For YOUSetting boundaries is more for your benefit than for anyone else's benefit. In fact, most boundaries don't even need to ever be expressed to the other person. Another common mistake with boundaries is focusing on the other person.What the other person does or doesn't do is less important than what YOU will do. For example, I have a boundary that If you yell at me, I will leave.I usually don't ever tell the other person about this boundary. I simply notice that a boundary has been crossed, and I leave. I don't even need to involve the other person. I learned this when I was a high school football player. When the team would be talking dirty or horsing around, I simply got up and left. I didn't need to change them, I didn't want to be a part of their behavior, so I just left. The same is true when you are raising your teen. Boundaries are more for your benefit than for theirs. Sometimes you might share your boundaries with them, but it's not a requirement. The Best Boundaries are Set with LoveAnother mistake that I see when it comes to boundaries is setting them out of anger or fear. You don't have to be mad to set or enforce a boundary. But, the best boundaries are set and executed with love. The best boundaries are set with an inward focus of "what can I control?" or "how do I want to show up here?"It sets the other person free to be themselves and do whatever they want, but it gives you clear guidance and direction as to how you show up. Boundaries are Meant to Be SimpleAnother common mistake when it comes to setting boundaries with your teen is overcomplicating the boundary. Boundaries are meant to be simple. This will make your life easier and your teen's life easier. An example of overcomplicating boundaries is when you have complex consequences or rewards for the other person's behavior. Usually the more complex the boundary, the more likely it is that you are actually trying to change, control, or manipulate the other person. I see this a lot with parents and their teen's grades. Sometimes the parents get super creative and they have tons of different consequences and rewards, depending on what their teen does. The problem is, the more complex things are the more confused everyone will be when it actually comes to the boundary. Keep boundaries simple for your sake and the other person. Simple Boundaries = If you ____, I will ____.Simple boundaries are, "If you _____, I will ______."If you yell at me, I will leave the room." "If you fail math, I will not pay for your phone."Call to ACTION!Come join me in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership! Start BEing the parent of your dreams today. JOIN HERE!
Dec 16 2021
20 mins
Getting Out of Your Comfort Zone
Discomfort Sparks GrowthMost people who sign up for coaching with me do it because they are experiencing discomfort of some kind. They want to change something so that they can feel better. Discomfort isn't a problem, it's just part of the human experience. Discomfort helps us know when something is wrong. Discomfort helps us know that it's time to make a change. Discomfort has the power to fuel the effort to create a change. When we can look at discomfort this way, without judgement and shame, we can see discomfort as simply an invitation to start growing and creating change. Growth comes with DiscomfortAs I mentioned, most parents who come to me looking for coaching, are coming to me because they are experiencing discomfort. In fact, growth itself is uncomfortable. If you're like most parents, when you started working on your own growth, you simply traded your old discomfort for a new discomfort.It's important to realize that discomfort doesn't mean that something has gone wrong. Identify and Lean Into The DiscomfortIt's important to identify the discomfort that you are experiencing. Most of the world tries to avoid all discomfort at all costs.Once you identify your discomfort, what it feels like, what's causing it, you have the power to choose whether or not you will continue with the discomfort. Most of The World Tries To Avoid DiscomfortIf you're like most parents, like most humans actually, you try to avoid discomfort. This is something that we are hard-wired to do. Avoiding discomfort keeps us safe and comfortable. Avoiding discomfort will halt your own personal growth. This is why it's important to continuously embrace discomfort.Embrace Discomfort As Part of The ProcessDiscomfort is part of the process of growth and improvement. Embrace it!It doesn't mean that anything has gone wrong. Oftentimes the discomfort that we're avoiding, like fear, worry, or anger, is actually exactly what we need to lean into for growth. This has been true of the parents that I work with that are afraid and worried about their teens choices. Be Aware of Your DiscomfortWhere is your discomfort coming from?What's causing your discomfort? Where are you feeling the discomfort?Is it inviting you to change?Is it due to growth?2. Buckle UpThis is going to be a ride!Be committed to the process. Don't give up when it's hard and uncomfortable. Be willing to change and do something different. 3. Choose Your Discomfort Based On Desired ResultsIt's uncomfortable to go to the gym, but we do it because we want the results of being healthy. Understand that you will likely be uncomfortable either way, might as well choose the discomfort that connects to your goals.4. Lean Into Your FearSometimes the thing making you uncomfortable is the actual answer or solution. Be willing to lean into the uncomfortable emotion. 5. Be Patient, Allow the Growth Rather Than Forcing ItDon't Force ItHave Compassion For Yourself.Call to ACTION!Come join me in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership! It's better than ever!JOIN HERE!
Dec 9 2021
36 mins
How to Sleep Better
Why is Sleep So Important?Sleep is SUPER Important, and yet it's often one of the first things to sacrifice when you're busy or ignore when you're busy. A lack of sleep has been linked to several physical, mental, and emotional problems. One of the things that teens that I work with have told me is that they started to feel better when they started sleeping better. Sleep is literally a bodily function. You have to sleep. Could you imagine if you didn't go to the bathroom for a day or eat or drink for a day?It would seriously impact how you function from day to day. Things That Keep You From SleepingThere are so many things that can keep you and your teen from sleeping, so this won't be an all-inclusive list, but it's helpful to know some of these things. One of the things that I see that keeps both teens and parents from sleeping better is the lack of a pre-sleep routine. If you're like many of the parents and teens that I coach, you probably don't have a clearly defined pre-sleep routine and as a result, you might find yourself taking longer to wind down and finally fall asleep. Screen-time right before bed is also a common culprit when it comes to making it harder to fall asleep. Many of the teens that I work with fall asleep with their phone in hand. One of the other common issues that keeps some parents and teens from sleeping is having an active mind at bedtime. Just when you want your brain to start winding down, your brain seems to want to go into overdrive. It's important to gain some awareness around exactly what is keeping you from sleeping. Once you have an awareness and understanding, you can then be intentional about how you will address the things that are keeping you from sleeping. Things That Help You SleepOne of the biggest things that I've found that helps me and my teen and parent clients is to develop a bedtime routine that you can follow easily. I understand that it can be hard to do at times with the hectic schedules that seem to go hand in hand with raising teenagers, but I promise, this is something that can help!For me, I understand that I have to stop working at least an hour before bedtime, preferably two. It helps me to limit my screen time at least 30 minutes before bedtime, preferably 60-90 minutes. I've also found it to be helpful to do things that help me be tired at night, whether this is walking, playing sports, or simply being more active. Sometimes this is a simple and fun way to ensure that you are ready to zonk-out at night. Ultimately, it's important to be willing to try new things and see what works for you! It's also important to realize that your sleep habits are just that, habits. It might take a little time to build some new habits that support sleep and to break some old habits that inhibit sleep.5 Simple Tips to Help You and Your Teen Sleep Better1. Develop a bedtime routine that is easy and doable.2. Manage your mind morning and/or night.3. Be more active throughout the day.4. Have a good morning routine that is easy and doable, even when you're tired.5. Decrease pre-bedtime distractions. Improving Your Sleep Is An Easy Way to Improve Everything ElseIf you're like most parents that I know, you could stand to improve your sleep. If you want to have more mental and emotional control, try improving your sleep. Call to ACTION!Come join me in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership! We've made some changes we think you'll love!JOIN HERE!
Dec 2 2021
28 mins
How to Regain Parental Control
"I Feel Like I'm Losing Control!" One of the things that I hear the most from parents is, . . . . . . "I feel like I'm losing control!"The next thing they tell me is, . . .. . . "I don't know what to do!"If you're like most parents, you've probably experienced this before and felt completely out of control and lost as to what to do about it. If you're like most parents, this probably leads to fighting, arguing, and power struggling with your teen, and it's NO FUN AT ALL! One of the hardest things about raising a teenager is realizing that you can't control what you used to control. And to be honest, this is a hard transition for your teen too. The Problem Is You're Trying To Control What You Can't ControlTrying to control things outside of your control is one of the biggest mistakes parents make.The biggest problem with this is that it that your focus is on things outside of your control, positioning you as the victim.When you focus on things outside of your control, you lose focus of the things that you actually can control. If you've ever said, . . . "I feel like I'm losing control!" . . . . . . It's because you are trying to control things that are outside of your control. When you try to control things outside of your control you feel out of control and lost, which is why you're probably thinking, "I don't know what to do!"What You Can and Cannot Control One of the most basic and yet powerful exercises that I have parents do is to create a T-Chart identifying what they Can and Cannot control. Once you identify the things outside of your control, you can LET THEM GO!Once you let go of things outside of your control, you can now re-focus that energy on things within your control. Here are some examples of things you CANNOT control:Your teenager,Their thoughts, feelings, actions, and results,Their choices with friends,Their friends, Here are some examples of things you CAN control: YOU,Some of your thoughts and feelings,Your actions and resultsYour choices,When you can discern between what you CAN and CANNOT control you will have more power to let go of things outside of your control. How To Regain Control The only way to regain control is to let go of things outside of your control and control ONLY what is within your control. This is freaking POWERFUL!How to Control Only What You Can Control!Gain Awareness! What CAN you and what CAN'T you control?2. Practice letting go of what you CANNOT control!3. Give what you CAN control your energy and attention!4. Trust that others are DOING THEIR BEST!5. Trust that YOU are DOING YOUR BEST!Call to ACTION!Come join me in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership! The price is getting ready to go up, and we're making it better than ever!JOIN HERE!
Nov 25 2021
16 mins
3 Steps to Self-Care
Put On YOUR Oxygen Mask FIRST!If you're like most parents, you've been guilty of putting everybody else's needs above your own. If you're like most parents, you've probably bragged about some of the sacrifices that you've made for your children. Sacrificing for your loved ones isn't the problem. The problem is when you take care of the needs of others at the expense of your own needs. This is a huge problem because if you don't take care of your needs, who will?If you don't take care of your needs, you have less power to help and serve others. If you've ever traveled by plane, you've been instructed to put your oxygen mask on before helping others.If you want to be the parent of your dreams, YOU NEED TO MAKE YOUR SELF-CARE A PRIORITY!Only YOU Can Know Your NeedsOne of the things parents tell me, especially mothers, is . . . . . . "I don't even know what my needs are."I get it. You've spent your whole life as a parent focusing on the needs of your children, and possibly your spouse, and you've forgotten how to focus on YOU.Only you can know your needs. No one else can figure your needs out for you. So I want to invite you to make identifying and meeting your needs a priority. Reconnect with YOUThe best way to identify and understand your needs is to reconnect with yourself. To reconnect with yourself, explore powerful questions like:“What are my “needs” and why?”“What are my wants and why?” “What am I feeling and why?”“How are these feelings impacting me?” “When am I at my best as a parent?” “How do I want to BE as a parent?”“What supports me BEing at my best?”As you reconnect with yourself you will start to shift your focus back to things within your control.You will start to understand what helps you BE at your best as a parent.Make YOU A PriorityLike I said earlier, ONLY YOU can meet your needs. I invite you to make YOU and your needs a priority. One of my clients said, "But it feels so SELFISH!"Let me show you her unintentional model.Circumstance ~ Self-CareThought ~ Putting my needs first is selfish.Feeling ~ GuiltAction ~ Sacrifice my self-careResult ~ Resent my family.Because she believed it was selfish, she felt guilt which caused her to "sacrifice" her self-care for her family, which caused her to resent her family. Circumstance ~ Self-CareThought ~ When I take care of myself, I'm a better mom.Feeling ~ LoveAction ~ Spend alone time away from kids.Result ~ Love my kids and family. When she thought about her self-care making her a better mom, she felt love (for herself), which fueled her action of addressing her needs, which resulted in her loving her family more. Self-Care Increases Self-LoveAs you improve your self-care, you will also increase your self-love.I believe that you love the people you serve.I invite you to look at self-care as serving yourself.As you take care of yourself, you will grow to love yourself even more.Your ability to love others reflects your ability to love yourself!How to Implement Your Self-Care!Connect with yourselfMake your self-care a priorityLove yourselfCall to ACTION!Come join me in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership! The price is getting ready to go up, and we're making it better than ever! Get in JOIN HERE!
Nov 18 2021
21 mins
Gratitude Makes Everything Better
I Love November! I love Halloween, which is the day before November. I love Thanksgiving, and I love when my birthday falls on Thanksgiving. I love the fall, the leaves, the cool/changing weather, and I love everything about November. And, I especially love the focus and extra push when it comes to gratitude, appreciation, and giving thanks. The Power Of Gratitude I believe that gratitude is a simple, yet powerful emotion. There are some positive emotions that some people struggle to experience. Some people have a hard time getting to compassion and love, but gratitude seems to be a positive emotion that most people can experience fairly easily and consistently.I believe that gratitude is a super-emotion. It has the power to stop other negative emotions dead in their tracks. Gratitude as a Feeling Gratitude is a feeling, an emotion. It is created by our thoughts. It is created when we choose to appreciate our circumstances. Gratitude is when you intentionally choose to be grateful and appreciative for your circumstances. Gratitude is a powerful driving emotion.We know from the model that our feelings drive our actions. When I'm grateful I take actions like serving others, appreciating others, treating others (and myself) with kindness and patience. Gratitude drives actions that create results that I love in my life. Gratitude as a Way of BEing Gratitude can be more than a simple feeling. Gratitude can be a way of BEing. It's a choice. I love BEing grateful. It is one of my favorite ways to BE as a dad. If you're like most people, you've probably caught yourself being ungrateful. If you're like most people, when you're ungrateful, you probably parent with less kindness and compassion. It's okay to catch yourself being ungrateful. It's part of being human and being a parent. BUT, you also have the power to BE grateful!AND, I promise . . . Gratitude WILL change EVERYTHING!How to Develop the Superpower, GRATITUDE!Set your Intention Early and Every day!This has been powerful in my life!When I get up, I set my intention for the day. I guide my mind as to where I want it to go to work. This takes practice, but it's totally worth it. 2. Practice BEing Grateful Daily.This one goes right along with #1, once you've set you intention, simply practice!Don't expect yourself to be perfect. Just commit to practicing BEing grateful every day.It will become more and more natural. 3. See The Power of Gratitude In Your Life.As you set your intention and practice gratitude, see the power in your life. See how BEing grateful impacts your life. Look for new and more things to be grateful for. Find new ways to be grateful. 4. Keep a Gratitude Journal.Seriously, there are some many things to be grateful for, and when you start to look for them, you'll be overwhelmed with all the gifts in your life. Keep a gratitude journal so you can remember and fully appreciate your life. This journal will help you look back and see your own growth.It's fun to look back on things you were grateful for. 5. Share Your Gratitude with Others.You can't make others feel gratitude, but you can lead by example. Help other people feel loved and appreciated by sharing your gratitude for them with them. This may help others see things that they are grateful for.
Nov 11 2021
15 mins
How to Stop Yelling at Your Teen!
If You Want to Stop Yelling At Your Teen, Stop Yelling at YOURSELF! Okay, so this might be a stretch. You probably don't "yell" at yourself out loud, but be honest, how do you speak to yourself on the inside?How often do you "yell" at yourself in your head? How often do you tell yourself that you're "not good enough", or that you "should have done better"?The truth is, if you want to stop yelling at your teen, you have to stop yelling at YOU!Start treating yourself with kindness, and it will be easier to treat your teen with kindness. Why Do We Yell? If you're like most parents, you yell to be heard. Maybe you yell out of anger, overwhelm, or fear. If you're like most parents, sometimes you yell because you believe, "that's the only way my kids will listen."I want you to dig deeper. What Does Yelling Do? Yelling triggers the Fight/Flight/Freeze response. This is why yelling is a good idea when trying to protect a child from a dangerous situation. You yell "STOP" and a child is likely to freeze before running into a busy street.However, when it comes to teaching something to your child or teen or punishing them, or disagreeing with them, yelling is not the best option. Like I said, yelling triggers the fight/flight/or freeze response. It actually puts your teen in survival mode. When getting yelled at, rather than listening to what's being said you start focusing on the speaker because you perceive them as a threat. You start looking for an escape or you start getting angry in preparation to fight for your survival. I've taught about how "calm is contagious" as Rorke Denver says, and how humans are herd animals. The other thing that yelling does is escalate the emotional tension. It spreads to the person being yelled at, and they are likely to yell back. This is the fight response.  How to Stop Yelling Explore the why behind your yelling (Remember, this also applies to your inner self-talk.)2. Have compassion for you and your teen.3. Practice who you want to BE when parenting is easy.4. Practice who you want to BE when parenting is hard.5. Use Thought Downloads and the ModelCall to ACTION!Come join me in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership! The price is getting ready to go up, and we're making it better than ever!JOIN HERE!
Nov 4 2021
25 mins
Horror Stories About Grades
Grades Aren't As Important As We've Been TaughtWhen I was getting close to graduating high school, I was told that I wouldn't be able to go to college due to my poor high school GPA (2.0 something) and my poor ACT score (17).For years leading up to my graduation, I was told that I would have to improve my grades if I ever wanted a job other than digging ditches or some other type of manual labor. For years I was told horror stories about people who had so much potential, but poor grades in school completely derailed and ruined their lives. This is an example of herd mentality. Teachers and school counselors believe that good grades are the key to success. So of course, they are going to share this belief with their students. For a long time, I worked manual labor jobs because I believed I was doomed to that life because of my high school grades. Your Teen Is the Key to Their Success, Not Their Grades!I believe this with all my heart!I am an example of this. I barely graduated high school. I thought of dropping out. My grades were not great. And yet, I am successful. I became a phenomenal teacher. My students loved me!I got my bachelor's degree and graduated Summa Cum Laude. That means I did pretty darn good in college. I became a high school principal at a failing charter school on the Ute Indian Reservation, (without a master's degree I might add).Within a few short years we had turned the school around. My high school grades are definitely not the key to my success, I AM!The same is true for your teen.Grades, friends, a starting role on their high school football team, none of these are the key to their success. THEY ARE THE KEY TO THEIR SUCCESS!Values and GradesIt's 100% okay to value grades. It's also 100% okay to NOT value grades.If you're like most parents who talk to me about their teen's grades, you value grades more than your teenager does. Maybe you expect your teen to get nothing lower than a B, but they have several F's. If you're like most parents, this difference in you and your teen's expectations and values is causing some friction in your relationship with them.If you're like most parents, this results in yelling, arguing, fighting, and often grounding. What if, grades aren't as important as you've been taught?What if your teen's grades are actually a reflection of their values, not yours?What if your teen has different values than you?Your Relationship With Your TeenAt the end of the day, I promise you, your relationship with your teen is far more important than their grades. I get it!You still believe that grades are important. You want your teen to get good grades. Of these two relationships, which one will benefit your teen the most in 1 year, 5 years, 20 years, and so on?Why is your teen so important to you?Why are their grades so important to you?I want to invite you to connect with your teen, RIGHT WHERE THEY ARE!Regardless of what their grades look like, they will benefit from having a parent who can connect with them no matter what. Once you build this connection, you will better understand why they have they grades that they do. You'll be able to determine whether their grades are a result of not being high on their priority list or the result of some serious struggles. Call to ACTION!Come join me in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership! The price is getting ready to go up, and we're making it better than ever!JOIN HERE!
Oct 28 2021
25 mins
Your Teen is Doing Their Best!
Parenting is Hard, and That's Okay!First off, . . . Go listen to this podcast. This post will not do it justice!I don't plan out my interviews, so it's I also don't write as detailed a post on my interviews.And, YES, . . . Parenting can be hard. I love how Tara mentioned that God gives us hard things to do to help up depend on him. Anytime I'm struggling as a parent, or even as an entrepreneur, I like to remember that God is giving me these struggles to remind me to depend on him. Focus On What YOU CAN ControlIt's natural for parents to try to control their teens. When our teens were little toddlers, we had to control them. Now that they are growing up, we no longer have the power to control them. One of the biggest mistakes that I see parents making is trying to control things that aren't actually within their control. They try to control everything from how much time their teen spends on their phone, to how they dress, to how they interact with their friend. Trust your teen to not only make mistakes but to learn exactly what they need to learn from that mistake. Your Teen IS Doing Their Best!This was my favorite part of the conversation. Tara showed us the perfect example of how your thoughts create your feelings. When she chose to think, "He's doing his best!" she was filled with unconditional love.Too often we choose to think, "They should be doing better!" which fills us with shame, guilt, worry, or fear. Chose to believe that your teen IS doing their best! It won't change your teen, but it will change YOU!Call to ACTION!Come join me in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership! The price is getting ready to go up, and we're making it better than ever!JOIN HERE!
Oct 21 2021
43 mins
Scary Feelings!
Are You and/or Your Teen Emotionally Healthy?It's unfortunate that when most people refer to "Emotional Health", they are actually referring to the lack of emotional health. I hear people saying things like, "They have some emotional health issues," or, "They are struggling with emotional health." But, who actually knows what emotional health is?When I ask teens, "What do you think Emotional Health is?" they usually tell me one of two things. Either, #1 "It means you're happy all of the time," or #2 "You struggle with depression and anxiety." The truth is, neither of these is an example of emotional health. I teach that Emotional health is the ability to experience ANY and ALL emotions and identify and process them.Notice how emotional health has nothing to do with being happy all of the time? Notice also, that emotional health doesn't rule out uncomfortable emotions like depression and anxiety? Emotional health means that you are capable of experiencing the whole range of emotions, from happy to sad, from excited to bored out of your mind. Being able to experience any and all emotions is the first step in being emotionally healthy. What Are Feelings and Emotions?Feelings and emotions are energy and vibrations within your body. They can be uncomfortable, but they cannot physically hurt you.Here are some examples of how we identify emotions in our bodies; “I’ve got butterflies in my stomach,” or “I’m having cold feet,” or “It took my breath away,” and, “I’ve got the weight of the world on my shoulders.”Emotions are simply energy in your body. Your emotions are created by your thoughts. Scary FeelingsSometimes it can be scary to experience feelings. Much of what we do as human beings is in an effort to avoid feelings that we don't want to feel, like embarrassment, shame, guilt, boredom, and sadness. The thing is, none of these feelings can actually physically hurt us. They're simply uncomfortable. Emotions Aren't As Scary As We FearLet's look back at our imagined scenario of creepy eyes in the woods. I live in Utah, so the chances of those eyes belonging to a tiger are pretty slim. I've never seen a bear up close in the wild, so this is pretty slim too. And, I've been told that dragons don't exist, so it's not going to be a dragon. It's way more likely to be a rabbit, a deer, or some other harmless animal. The same is true about scary feelings. It's never as bad as we fear. Developing Emotional Health for YOU and Your Teen!Today, it seems like everyone wants to improve their emotional health or their teen's emotional health. It's become kind of a buzzword. I want to share with you some simple things that YOU can do to improve your own emotional health and how this will impact your teen's emotional health. First of all, you have no control over your teen's emotional health, but you do influence their emotional health. So, if you want your teen to improve their emotional health, improve your own and trust that that will have a positive impact on their emotional health!Call to ACTION!Come join me in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership! The price is getting ready to go up, and we're making it better than ever!JOIN HERE!
Oct 14 2021
29 mins
The Thinker of Your Thoughts
You Can't Stop Thinking!Because you are human, your brain is constantly at work, whether you are awake or asleep, whether you are concentrating or daydreaming, your brain is constantly thinking.The goal of coaching isn’t to turn off your brain or to even control your thoughts.The goal is to be able to be aware of your thoughts and to have the power to manage your thoughts.You CANNOT control all of your thoughts.There are Different Types of ThoughtsThis is not an all-inclusive list. These are just a few common thoughts. BeliefsThese are thoughts that we believe to be true.  Many of our beliefs are unconscious beliefs, meaning we think them without even being aware of them.These unconscious beliefs have the power to drive and influence our thinking patterns.  Interpretations and JudgementsInterpretations are how we apply meaning to our circumstances.Nothing has meaning until we give it meaning. Worries and FearsThese are thoughts that make us feel anxious, worried, and afraid. Our brains have evolved to find and focus on the negative (I call this catastrophizing).I recently read that 85% of our thoughts are negative. Desire and GratitudeThese or the things that we want. You cannot want something without thinking about it. Gratitude is wanting what you have. Habitual ThoughtsThese are thoughts that you think without even thinking about it. These thoughts are habits. Herd MentalityThoughts and beliefs that you have adopted as your own because they are the thoughts and beliefs of your herd. It’s part of human nature to think similar to those around you. YOU, Your Thoughts, Models, and Ways of BEingYour thoughts drive your model. Your thoughts reflect your way of BEing. This is why it is so important to BE the thinker of your thoughts. Are You the Hero of Your Stories?The stories you tell reflect your thoughts. Stories show up in how we talk to others and how we talk to ourselves. I call the stories in your own head your personal narrative. It’s important to be aware of these stories and how they impact our lives. In your stories, you can either show up as the hero or the victim. If you’re like most parents, you’ve been guilty of positioning yourself as the victim from time to time. This usually looks like blaming others and/or complaining about others.  This looks like focusing on things outside of your control. When you position yourself as the hero, you take responsibility and you focus on things within your control. The stories you allow yourself to tell impact how you feel and act. Your stories create your reality.Thought Disrupter Steps/Dialog (check out the shownotes)Jim Fortin teaches, “You are where your attention is.”Where is Your Attention?You have the power to choose where you will place your attention. Call to ACTION!#1 Come join me in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership!JOIN HERE!#2 Come hang out with us at our Firmly Founded Family Fall Festival on October 9th, 2021 from 4:00 - 7:00 pm MST.Buy My Festival Tickets NOW!
Oct 7 2021
29 mins
What Are Your Values?
Do You Know What Your Values Are?If you are like most people, you have a pretty good idea of what your personal values are, but I'm guessing you don't really spend a lot of time thinking about it.Sometimes when I work with teens who think that they have no values. Everyone has values, but most people don't take the time to identify them or really even think about them.That's okay, but it can sometimes be hard to know exactly what your values are. Sometimes we think one thing is a value when in reality it's the exact opposite that is your value. How To Identify Your Values. Your values live in your subconscious thoughts. Usually, you don't even know about them, but they still impact your actions and behaviors. Your values are a way of BEing. You live and express your values subconsciously without even thinking. Your values drive you. Your current results and reality are a reflection of your values. “Whatever you have and do not have is a reflection of your values.”~ Jim FortinSo, if you want to know exactly what your values are, look at your results. Oftentimes people will tell me that their health is their top value and then when I ask about their health they tell me, "Well I'm not there yet," or "I'm working on getting healthy."In this example, their results don't reflect the value of health because it's not their driving value. Sometimes people tell me that they want to be healthy, but they can't stop eating junk food and binge-watching Netflix all day. These results would indicate that their driving values are comfort, satisfaction, and being entertained. I have one client who told me that he valued working hard, taking risks, having lots of responsibility, but he is in a job that he hates. When I asked why he told me about the security he has in his job, the comfort that is salary affords him. In this example, he values comfort and security more than he values working hard, taking risks, and having lots of responsibility. Conflicting ValuesWe all have conflicting values; it's part of being human.But when you become aware of this, you gain the power to choose one value over the other. For example, you might have conflicting values of BEing healthy and BEing a "Foodie."It might make it hard to be healthy if you value eating lots of good food.I struggled with this. As a former lineman/football player, I valued eating lots of food. It was comforting, and I was kind of proud that I could out eat everyone. Turns out this value makes it hard to be healthy. When we have conflicting values, the value that offers the most immediate reward usually wins. When we have conflicting values, the value that offers the most intense pleasure usually wins.In this case, good, tasty, satisfying foot beats out boring old health. This is where choice plays a vital role.You Get to Choose Your Values!You have a choice! You are not at the mercy of your values. You get to choose your values. You can either accept the values that are creating your results or choose new values that create new results.You have the advantage that you can gain some awareness surrounding your values. With that awareness, you can now be intentional and start choosing different values. Call to ACTION!Come join me in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership!JOIN HERE!
Sep 30 2021
29 mins
What if You're Already the Perfect Parent?
What If You Were The Perfect Parent?I asked this the other day in one of my Impact Parenting Group calls. This idea of "perfect" parenting kind of shook the zoom room. There's so much shame around the word "perfect". Most parents just believe that they aren't perfect and that they aren't good enough. If you're like most parents, you believe this too, and it leads to shame, worry, and fear.BUT, . . . . . . What if YOU were the perfect parent?What would that change in your life? What would that change in your parenting?What would it change about you?If you're like most parents, you have never even considered the possibility that YOU ARE the perfect parent. Yet, if you're like most parents, you've probably considered that you might be the "worst" parent ever. I want you to consider this instead . . . "What if I AM the perfect parent for my teen?"What is YOUR Definition of Perfect?The problem is, if you're like most people, your definition of "perfect" is what the world has told you is the definition of "perfect".The world will tell you that "perfect" means doing everything "right" and/or making no mistakes. But what if I told you that this is not what makes you a perfect parent. The truth is, your teen is not perfect, and you are not perfect, and this is what makes you perfect for each other. My definition of perfect is more like being a "good fit" or being "exactly what is needed" or "doing your best."YOU get to define what "perfect" means for YOU in your role as a parent. For me, being the perfect dad means that I am willing to love my teen no matter what. It means that I am doing my best. It means that I am an example of making mistakes and making the most of it. It means that I am exactly what my teenager needs.What If You Believed You Were The Perfect Parent?I want you to really ask yourself this, "What if I believed that I was the perfect parent?"What would that change for you?If you're like most of my clients, if you believed that you were the perfect parent, . . .You would have more compassion for yourself,You would have more confidence,You would trust yourself, andYou would be happier!What if YOU believed that you were a perfect parent? What would change for you. For me, I started trusting myself. I started having my own back. I started believing that not only is my best good enough, but it is exactly what is needed. Believing that I am a perfect dad has helped me parent with confidence. It has helped me be happier in my relationships with my kid. It has completely changed how I see myself. My brain is now looking for evidence that I AM the perfect parent. You Are The Perfect Parent!You are the perfect parent!Being the perfect parent doesn't mean that you never make mistakes. Being the perfect parent means that you trust Call to ACTION!Come join me in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership!JOIN HERE!
Sep 23 2021
15 mins
3 Tips to Make Parenting Simple
How To Make Parenting Simple!#1 Define Your Role! One of the things that makes parenting harder that it needs to be is Not knowing your role!If you don't know what your role, or purpose, is as a parent, everything feels like a battle. When you don't define your parenting role, you get tossed from one roll to the other. It's hard to be intentional when you don't know what your role is. #2 Only Focus on What YOU Can Control.One of, if not THE, most powerful things you can do as a parent is to shift your focus from what you cannot control to what you CAN control. One of the things that makes parenting hard is trying to control things outside of your control. When we focus on things outside of our control, we waste a lot of effort on something that is outside of our control. It's exhausting because nothing changes. Things you might be focusing on that are OUTSIDE of your control:Your teen's behavior,Their grades,Their decisions,Their thoughts and feelings,Their results/consequences.Things you could focus on that are WITHIN your control: How you think, How you feel, How you act, Your ways of BEing. Parenting is much more simple when you only have to worry about what you can actually control. #3 Make Your Personal Growth the Priority Rather than Your Teen's Personal Growth. Most parents focus on the growth, or more accurately their perceived lack of growth, with their teen. If you're like most parents, you've done this too, and you've been frustrated or disappointed with the growth.Instead, focus on your own personal growth. Make that your priority. You can't change, fix, or control your teen, BUT . . . . . . When you make your own personal growth a priority, you will have a more intentional and positive impact on your teen. When we focus on others' personal growth, or lack there of, we cannot focus on our own personal growth. We cannot focus on two things at once. Make your own personal growth a priority. BONUS #1 Choose Love!It sounds overly simple, but what if it really is just this simple? CHOOSE LOVE!What if loving your teen was your ONLY job? Wouldn't that make your job easier?Love is always an option when it comes to you and your teen. Love is a simple choice with no down side. BONUS #2 Trust Yourself 100%The other day I was on a group coaching call in the Impact Parenting Program, and I was talking about BEing a "perfect" parent.Someone told me that they would never use the example of a perfect parent because there is so much shame around whether or not you are perfect. I get it, "mom guilt" and "dad shame" are a thing, but THEY ARE OPTIONAL! What if you believed that you were the PERFECT parent? How would you feel? How would you act? How would you BE?This might sound boastful, BUT . . . . . . I believe that I am the PERFECT dad for my family. I know tons of people who would disagree. They might say, "Ben SUCKS! He's the worst dad I've ever seen."Call to ACTION!Come join my FREE Ask Me Anything YES! I WANT IN!!
Sep 16 2021
26 mins
How to Be the Hero in Your Relationships
Principles of Being a Relationship Hero#1 Be 100% Responsible for YOUR Relationship with Them If you're like most people, you've blamed your relationship on the other person in the relationship. "If my teen would . . . ""If they would start . . . "You are responsible for how you feel towards the other person in your relationship.Relationsponsibility (Joey's made up word)#2 Relationship Hero vs Relationship VictimVictims and sidekicks have to rely on somebody else.Save yourself in the relationship. #3 Be the Change You Want to See Want your teen to be more confident? You start by BEing more confident. Want your teen to be more respectful, You start by BEing more respectful. #4 Your Relationships are a Reflection of Your Relationship with YourselfWant a better relationship with your teen? Improve your relationship with yourself. This may mean that you will need to change some of your self-talk, which will impact how you start talking with your teen. #5 How YOU Think about Them, How YOU Think about Yourself, and How YOU Think they think. How you think about YOURSELF in the relationship.How you think about THEM in the relationship.How you think THEY think about YOU in the relationshipCall to ACTION!My BETA Impact Parenting Program is now live, and the doors are closed . . . . . . BUT . . . . . . If you want to take your parenting to the next level, you can still join the Firmly Founded Parent. Now that my Impact Parenting Program is up and running, we're going to be revamping and improving the Firmly Founded Parent, and I want you to join us to make it the best monthly parenting membership EVER!Join TODAY!!YES! I WANT IN!!And if you want to meet me and Joey live. Come to our live event on October 9th in Alpine, Utah. Get your tickets by CLICKING HERE!
Sep 9 2021
16 mins