Bachelor Massacre

Sparse Mansion Media

A foul-mouthed Bachelor/Bachelorette recap show created by wannabe celebrity chef Amanda Alvarez and washed up rapper J Waves. Currently hosted by Waves and various guests. Brought to you by Sparse Mansion Media. read less

The Bachelor - Season 25, Week 11 (Finale)
Mar 17 2021
The Bachelor - Season 25, Week 11 (Finale)
When they said this season was going to be "groundbreaking" I didn't think they meant that it would make me want to break a hole in the ground and crawl into it. Ooof. Amanda and I were really rooting for Matt James in the beginning of this season but he turned out to be yet another man-child scared of commitment, at least, if that's what his mom wants him to be. He often expressed how much he cared about "the women" on his season but mostly just told them what they wanted to hear and thanked them for sharing their feelings whilst rarely reciprocating (though we do acknowledge that Matt's behavior overall was perhaps constrained by the role he had to fill as "America's first Black Bachelor", which he discussed at length on After The Final Rose.) Our love of frontrunner Rachael Kirkconnell was also spoiled, Michelle "The Obvious Choice" Young was harshly dumped at the last minute, and Bri Springs was also cast aside and perhaps will be leaving Bachelor Nation for good. And let's not even talk about Abigail Herringer.The clear star of this episode was Matt's brother John. You can learn more about him and his "rap career" here. (Maybe it's harsh to put rap career in quotes but as a washed up rapper, I have OPINIONS.)Matt may have left with Rachael, but what happened next? We suggest you watch After The Final Rose for the whole story or you can listen to our next episode about it and kind of get some idea of what happened if we can stop talking about Emmanuel Acho for 5 minutes.It was a sad ending to a promising but disappointing season. We thank YOU, our loyal listeners, for helping us get through it all. Please do everything you can to support us (short of opening your wallets because we aren't ready to ask you to do that yet) and write us some reviews and give us all the stars and tell your friends to listen. Without you, we don't exist: if a podcast falls in the woods and nobody is there to hear it, does it make a sound????? I would say NO.What's next for Bachelor Massacre? We don't even know but hopefully BIP is right around the corner ... 🤞Make sure you subscribe and follow and stalk us so you don't miss a single episode. Fux with our Instagram page @bachelormassacre and slide into our DMs.J Waves on InstaMandySays on InstaCheck out these other shows from Sparse Mansion Media available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you listen to podcasts.Lurk ModeCoronatose™
The Bachelor - Season 25, Week 10 (Fantasy Suites)
Mar 10 2021
The Bachelor - Season 25, Week 10 (Fantasy Suites)
Dang! I miss the days of just talking about what a bitch Queen Victoria was. Now we actually have to deal with some serious emotions as things get very real for all the contestants and even Matt himself. Say what you will about this season's Bachelor, but the scene with his dad was legit moving and if you didn't get in your feelings over it YOU HAVE NO SOUL.We are down to 3 women: Rachael (sexy and simple), Michelle (athletic and awesome), and Bri (the beautiful boss). All of them are in love with Matt, like, for real. It doesn't feel like anyone is here for Instagram likes at this point, everyone feels very invested. Sir Matt-A-Lot has attempted to "save" all of them, so they all FEEL SPECIAL. (Or in Bachelor speak ... he has "seen" them?)In this ep we cry with Matt and his father (Shoes + Pizza ≠ Dad), I compare Matt to the child of a serial killer, Mandy compares the escalating quality of the fantasy suites, and we both wonder what happened to the rest of Rachael's shirt. Michelle is the obvious choice here but will lust, a skydiving accident, and pair of sleepy eyes prevail? One thing we all can agree on: BRI SPRINGS FOR BACHELORETTE 2021 OR WE ARE BURNING THIS MF TO THE GROUND 🔥🔥🔥If you are a fan of this podcast, please follow us on our Instagram page @bachelormassacre and give us some likes n reviews n junk! Share! Subscribe! We NEED your feedback and ratings to keep this show alive. Don't leave us hanging like Abigail.J Waves on InstaMandySays on InstaCheck out these other shows from Sparse Mansion Media available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you listen to podcasts.Lurk ModeCoronatose™
The Bachelor - Season 25, Week 9 (The Women Tell All)
Mar 4 2021
The Bachelor - Season 25, Week 9 (The Women Tell All)
I'm too tired to write a witty description of this episode but let's just say that The Women Tell All was a bit ho-hum seeming. I would have preferred a darker shade of lipstick on Serena C, but that's just me. Mandy would have liked to have seen a dang oil treatment on MJ's hair because that shit looked brittle, which I think is how I like blonde hair since I am attracted to farmers, and subsequently, hay. MJ could never be a farmer though because she is afraid of chickens and eggs. Mari really fought for her spot on BIP by acting like she was a relevant contestant but we personally don't give her much airtime. Unfortunately, we do talk about Victoria a lot, from her non-apologies to her aquatic jumpsuit to her use of the word "literally", which struck a chord with my co-host Amanda "Literally, bro. Literally!" Alvarez.It was also a reminder of how much good stuff gets edited out in favor of drama and fighting. At this point, aren't we all just hate-watching this shit? Do y'all think that some of this season's women were particularly bad? The term "mean girls" seems to have really stuck to a certain group of them. Let us know if you think they were victims of a bad edit or BAD CREDIT, uknowhatimsayin??? Obviously, all the toxic behavior was purposely highlighted, but do you think it was blown out of proportion? Or are some of these ladies just evil?Follow us on our brand new Instagram page @bachelormassacre and give us some likes n reviews n junk! Share! Subscribe! Get a prescription! We got what you need.J Waves on InstaMandySays on InstaCheck out these other shows from Sparse Mansion Media available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you listen to podcasts.Lurk ModeCoronatose™
The Bachelor - Season 25, Week 7
Feb 19 2021
The Bachelor - Season 25, Week 7
OOF. A LOT HAS HAPPENED IN BACHELOR NATION SINCE OUR LAST EPISODE. I highly doubt you fux with this podcast and don't know what has been going on, but just in case: Matt James favorite Rachael Kirkconnell found herself facing accusations of racism when the tasteless behavior of her past was revealed, including apparently bullying a friend for liking Black guys and DEFINITELY getting her "plantation vibes" on at an Antebellum-themed Old South party thrown by a frat whose members regularly beat off to pictures of Robert E. Lee.Following this, shit REALLY hit the fan when Chris Harrison went on Extra to talk to Bachelorette royalty Rachel Lindsay. You can read about what happened on your own, but let's just say he fucking blew it. Bad. And talked down to Rachel on her own show! As a result, he will be stepping down as the host of the Bachelor for an undetermined period of time and will not be involved in After The Final Rose.Rachel Lindsay's disrespect, which was totally avoidable, is yet another stain on the not-exactly-diverse franchise. To hear in Lindsay's own words why she felt the way she did, we recommend this episode of the podcast Bachelor Party. To read the full recap from Ali Barthwell that I reference on the show, go here. While this episode of the Bachelor felt super gross, we still watched it. And recapped the fuck out of it. This was the lead-up to Hometowns so shit is getting realer than "Real Deal" Holyfield.Follow us on our brand new Instagram page @bachelormassacre and give us some likes n reviews n junk! Follow! Subscribe! Get a prescription! We got what you need.
The Bachelor - Season 25, Week 6
Feb 11 2021
The Bachelor - Season 25, Week 6
Waves here. You know that feeling when you start doing a podcast on a totally different podcast but then it no longer makes sense to keep doing it that way so you make it its own podcast? Cause that's, like, totally what happened here. What started out as a bonus feature on my podcast Lurk Mode has become it's own ting-a-ling. So if you've been riding with me and MandySays since then or you are just discovering us, we're glad you're listening to the "brand new" Bachelor Massacre podcast.This wasn't the most exciting episode of The Bachelor but a lot of things did happen. New candidates for Bachelor in Paradise were sent to their next quarantine. We realized MJ's legs were hawt as they were walking her ass the car. Heather Martin's teeth and toes filled screens across America. Matt James did lip calisthenics in turtlenecks like he has done every single episode. And Katie ... well, let's just say the wax on her wings melted as she flew to close to the sun. Do dildos float?We also figured out our drinking game for this season: take a shot every time Matt sighs. You'll definitely get some time in between flurries but unfortunately when he DOES sigh, there's usually, like, 4 in a row. Make sure you've eaten before you watch.Please like, follow, subscribe, rate, review and TELL YOUR FRIENDS about your favorite new Bachelor recap. The next episode of Lurk Mode is on the editing table as we speak. Be on the lookout for new episodes of all your favorite Sparse Mansion Media podcasts ✌️
The Bachelor - Season 25, Week 5
Feb 10 2021
The Bachelor - Season 25, Week 5
Welcome to Bachelor Massacre! This episode originally appeared as bonus content on the J Waves podcast Lurk Mode.---------------The moment we have all been waiting for has finally arrived: "The Queen" is finally dethroned and YOU LOVE TO SEE IT. Good fucking riddance. It's really a shame because I feel like the majority of what me and MandySays have talked about is how much she sucks. Literally, for 5 episodes. Main topic. But it's all good cause now we can move on to other things like MJ's hair, Rachael's eyes, and Magi's minor-yet-powerful presence. We are already salivating for B.I.P.This time around we have some hot One-On-Ones with Rachel and Kit and Bachelor Matt James continues to devour lips left and right like cold cuts off a charcuterie board (a phenomenon he just learned about for the first time a few dates ago. How does this guy live in New York??) There is also hella drama with MJ as she settles into her role as the new villain, one she relishes like me when I got to play a cop in a short film. Man, those uniforms are empowering! I wore it for 5 minutes and I was already staring people down and telling them to "move along".Seeing as how Mandy and I have done a gang of recaps and I have barely done much else with Lurk Mode, we are going to be spinning our recap vibe into its VERY OWN PODCAST courtesy of Lurk Mode and Sparse Mansion Media. So stay tuned for those details, but for now you can keep recappin dat ass with us right here. If all goes according to plan, our next episode will be debuting in its brand new locale.The next proper ep of Lurk Mode is gonna be a doozy, I'm talking a straight up CELEBRITY PODCAST CLAPBACK with chef and former LA misfit Whitney Dane. We are going to be trading our best TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORIES before she sets the record straight about the time(s) she was "enjoying trips and restaurants" with the "lesbian contractor" with "warrants out for her arrest" ... it's gonna be dope and maybe I'll even have static with another podcast when it's all said and done. I can't wait. See you soon!Music in this episode:"Bodak Yellow" - Cardi B"Captain Save A Hoe" - E-40 ft. The Click"Captain Save 'Em" - Kool Keith
The Bachelor - Season 25, Week 4
Feb 10 2021
The Bachelor - Season 25, Week 4
Welcome to Bachelor Massacre! This episode originally appeared as bonus content on the J Waves podcast Lurk Mode.---------------UGGGGGH making a podcast is exhausting, y'all. Me and MandySays watch The Bachelor on Tuesday night, then do the podcast, and then I get up at the crack and edit 4 eva while simultaneously trying to buy stocks and make smoothies and clean my sneakers and all the other shit I do in the morning. I know a lot of you podcasters are doing your mixes "quick and dirty" but I JUST CAN'T BECAUSE I AM A PROFESSIONAL so I hope you appreciate all the exxxtra effort I put in that nobody notices.It's Week 4 and I think we all knew that the support these ladies seemed to be giving each other was due to expire like so much raw chicken in the sun. The arrival of five, count em, FIVE new women sparks a great divide as gang warfare starts to pop off and a new faction called The OGs emerges. Victoria is seen buying two used Glocks from a producer that probably have multiple bodies on them while Anna slowly files her teeth on the ground giving herself a mouthful of shivs. Katie once again lifts her vibrator from it's carrying case and gets ready to trudge into battle. Matt, somewhat perturbed by these new developments, continues to hide behind a veil of turtlenecks and soft jackets.The good news (for me) is that we have some new $pon$ors supporting us. Be sure to check them out and enter the code: LURKMODE69 for special offers. They each sent over some new ads that we will be debuting on this episode. - Face Salve- The Kirk Mayonnaise Family of Products- Toddford's Biscuits & OatsI hope to have a new interview for y'all soon. Please live, laugh, love, subscribe, and review!Music in this episode:"Blow The Whistle" - Too $hort