The Empathy Exchange: Empowering Staff and Families in Seniors' Care

In today’s solo episode, you’ll be getting a masterclass in how to better navigate and manage expectations, from both the perspective of staff and families in seniors’ care.I’ll break down the formula of Disappointment = Expectations – Reality (from Chip Conley, Emotional Equations book) and how we can reframe “unrealistic expectations” into a perspective that you can better work with.We cover a lot of information in this podcast so have provided references here:From Atlas of the Heart by Brene Brown:“Disappointment is unmet expectations. The more significant the expectations, the more significant the disappointment. Every day, sometimes every hour, we are consciously and unconsciously setting expectations of ourselves and the people in our lives, especially those closest to us. The unconscious, unexamined, and unexpressed expectations are the most dangerous and often turn into disappointment. In fact, the research tells us that disappointment is one of the most frequently experienced emotions and it tends to be experienced at a high level of intensity.”“When we develop expectations, we paint a picture in our head of how things are going to be and how they're going to look. We set expectations based not only on how we fit in that picture, but also on what those around us are doing in that picture. This means that our expectations are often set on outcomes totally beyond our control. Like what other people think, what they feel or how they're going to react. The movie in our mind is wonderful but no one else knows their parts, their lines or what it means to us. Disappointment takes a toll on us and our relationships. It requires considerable emotional bandwidth.” Questions staff can ask families:What is your understanding of how our home and care supports work?Have you had previous experiences with fill in the blank, ie long term care? What are your perceptions about fill in the blank, ie assisted living? Tell us a bit about what your expectations are?What are you most worried about moving your loved one into our home? What do you need to feel more comfortable or confident with this decision of moving your loved one into our home?What's most important to you? What are you most hoping for? What would you appreciate the most from us?And what support do you need or want from us? For families, these questions can help you review and assess the expectations you have coming into seniors’ care:Why is this your expectation? How reasonable do you think this expectation is? How much are you relying on things outside of your control to meet that expectation?How will you feel if this isn't met? What needs are you trying to get met with this expectation? How important is this to you? Is there knowledge that you're missing that if provided could change this expectation? I referenced these questions from Brene Brown’s book Atlas from the Heart:What expectations do you have going into this?What do you want to happen and why? What will that mean to you? Do you have a movie in your head? Are you setting goals and expectations that are completely outside of your control? Check out Episode 2 “Bridging Gaps in Admission Anxiety: A Family and Staff perspective to hear more about the Knowledge, Emotion and Identity Gaps.Here are the 20 misconceptions that are from Now What? Managing the Emotional Journey of Long Term Care for Families, and in the book I share information and clarification with these misconceptions. I thought my loved one was going to get 24/7 one on one care.I thought clothing wouldn't get lost or damaged. After all, they're labeled. I should always be able to call and speak to a care team member right away.I felt my loved one would have the same people taking care of them. Every day.If there's a care plan, then everything on that care plan should be done every day.The only way to get respect and resolve a problem is to be the squeaky wheel and escalate it to the highest level seven. If I complain the staff will take it out on my loved one.Now that they're in long term care, my loved one is going to improve or get better (otherwise known as the “I expect the staff to work miracles”. Staff should know where my loved one is when I call or visit. I thought I'd feel more settled and relieved now that my loved one is in long term care or I thought the adjustment would take longer. I should be able to get a parking spot when I come to visit I thought I'd get regular detailed updates about my loved ones activities participation, medical information, eating habits, etc. I thought our care conference would be more comprehensive with information updates and be easier to get scheduled. I thought it would be easier to connect with other families at the home. I thought the staff would be more proactive and alerting me to additional issues, for example, foot care or changes to their habits or behaviors.I thought the room would be secure. I thought we would have more than just 24 hours to clean the room out after our loved one passes away.If I'm the POA (Power of Attorney) for Health that I should be able to make all the decisions on behalf of my loved one. I didn't think residents in long term care would or should be sexually active and My loved one should be getting more care than they're getting given how much we're paying.If you’d like to purchase a copy of Now What? Managing the Emotional Journey of Long Term Care for Families, visit my website DeborahBakti.com. You can also purchase from Amazon.You can find out more about me and the work I do at DeborahBakti.com or email me at Deborah@DeborahBakti.com. I’d love to hear from you!

Let’s face it, stress and overwhelm can be a daily occurrence which interrupts how we are showing up and impacting others. This can then contribute to the frustration and friction between staff and families in seniors’ care.As much as stress is a reality, having negative reactions and ruminations is optional. This is one of many things I took away from my conversation with Trish Tutton.If you would love to have some practical and simple tools in your back pocket to help you feel less stressed, you’ll find this episode useful, uplifting and empowering.Trish Tutton bio:After years working in cultures where stress and burnout were seemingly the only way to success, Trish suffered a shocking loss and things became clear: stress is unavoidable, but it doesn’t have to dictate our lives. As a speaker and mindfulness teacher, Trish has taught the skills to become UNSHAKABLE and THRIVE amidst change and challenge to over 10,000 people across North America. She is passionate about helping folks become more resilient and less stressed with simple but impactful mindfulness techniques.You can find her as a teacher on the #1 free meditation app in the world, Insight Timer, and she is the author of the Mindful Mornings Journal.My training highlights include: With a background in non-profit events organization, I have a deep appreciation for those working in high-stress environments.Over 15 years of personal practice and study with world class teachers like Jon Kabat-Zinn, Tara Brach, Mark Coleman, Bernie Clark, Joseph Goldstein, and more. Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction, via University of Massachusetts Medical CentreSearch Inside Yourself, Google’s Mindfulness and Emotional Intelligence courseFundamentals of Coaching, via Co-Active CoachingScience of Well-being, via Yale UniversityYou can find Trish at:https://www.instagram.com/trish_tutton/https://www.facebook.com/TrishTuttonMindfulness/https://www.trishtutton.com/Mindful Mornings Journal on AmazonA great blog post: https://www.trishtutton.com/blog/coping-strategies-for-stress-5-ways-to-stress-betterYou can find out more about me and the work I do at DeborahBakti.com or email me at Deborah@DeborahBakti.com. I’d love to hear from you!

In today’s episode, we talk about The P Word, a topic we don’t typically like to even think about, never mind plan for. My guest, Dr. Sammy Winemaker shares her experience, knowledge and insights with her compassionate, approachable and pragmatic style, which has been likened to as a Mr. Rogers kind of approach to care. Let’s face it, death is a reality, and when we have a loved one living in seniors’ care, it can be difficult to face. Yet knowledge is power for both the staff providing care, and the family going through this emotional journey.This is a conversation that will help you think about the palliative approach with a bit more optimism and hope. About Dr. Samantha WinemakerDr. Samantha Winemaker is an Associate Clinical Professor, Department of Family Medicine, in the Division of Palliative Care at McMaster University. She teaches palliative care to health care professionals. She won the Ontario College of Family Physicians Award of Excellence in 2010, the Elizabeth J. Latimer Prize in Palliative Care in 2018, and the Dr. S. Lawrence Librach  Award for Palliative Medicine in the Community in 2019.Dr. Sammy is the author, with Dr. Hsien Seow of Hope for the Best, Plan for the Rest: 7 keys for navigating a life changing diagnosis and a founder of The Waiting Room Revolution.You can find out more here:https://twitter.com/SammyWinemakerhttps://www.instagram.com/sammy.winemaker/?hl=enhttps://www.tiktok.com/@dr.sammywinemakerhttps://www.linkedin.com/in/samantha-winemaker-01ba21163/?originalSubdomain=caSummary of Questions from this episodeQuestions staff can ask families How about we talk about the illness that landed your loved one here at our front door.How much do you understand about the circumstances or the health challenges that your loved one has that required them to come to long-term care? Let’s talk about that.Whats your understanding of your loved one’s illness?What’s your understanding of the decline you were seeing at home or the increase in their needs?Did you understand how that connected with their underlying illness or illnesses?Did you ever ask anyone before you came here?What to expect going forward with this particular condition?What did they tell you?And if they hadn’t discussed that with you, is that something that you would like to talk about today because it can really help you, give you a roadmap.You can find out more about me and the work I do at DeborahBakti.com or email me at Deborah@DeborahBakti.com. I’d love to hear from you!

In this week’s episode, join us for an insightful and heartfelt episode with Kristen Leal, Director of Programs at peopleCare Delhi LTC and Anita Friesen, whose mom is a resident and has been living at peopleCare Delhi LTC since October of 2022. This conversation was so heartwarming, and you can feel the care and respect Kristen and Anita have as partners in care. Together, we explore the power of empathy and understanding in seniors care, from the challenges of cognitive decline to the impact of community-building initiatives like Kristen’s Now What? book club. Through personal stories and shared experiences, we uncover the importance of building relationships between staff and families, breaking down misconceptions about long-term care, and creating supportive environments where everyone feels valued and connected in their long-term care homes. Tune in as we celebrate the resilience, compassion, and dedication of caregivers and families in the journey of senior living.Learn more about peopleCare Communities by visiting peopleCare.ca.   You can find out more about me and the work I do at DeborahBakti.com or email me at Deborah@DeborahBakti.com. I’d love to hear from you!I See What You Do by Anita FriesenTo all the Staff at peopleCare Delhi LTCIt has become apparent to me thatYOU NEED TO BE TOLD . . . I SEE WHAT YOU DO!When I come for a visit and step inside.You greet me with a smile.I SEE WHAT YOU DO!When I walk down the halls.You work with such passion. I’ve seen it from you before.I SEE WHAT YOU DO!Your hours are long.You’re always on your feet.You must be exhausted.I SEE WHAT YOU DO!You come to your job.Leave your problems behind.Become part of a new family.I SEE WHAT YOU DO!The residents are dressed, bathed and fed.I SEE WHAT YOU DO!When someone is blue.I see you put your hand on their arm.You whisper or tell them a joke.They are no longer blue.I SEE WHAT YOU DO!You know all their names.Their likes and dislikes.I SEE WHAT YOU DO!A calendar listing all the events.Entertainment for residents, family and friends.I SEE WHAT YOU DO!Meals are prepared three times a day.The dishes are endless and don’t stop all day.I SEE WHAT YOU DO!The laundry is washed it’s dried and then sorted.A sock may be lost . . . there’s nothing you can do.Cause just like the dishes it’s endless too.I SEE WHAT YOU DO!The meds are dispensed with accuracy and care.I can see that when I am there.I SEE WHAT YOU DO!The cleaning is done.And the maintenance too.I SEE WHAT YOU DO!So this is why I have to say, I truly appreciate everything you doand YOU NEED TO BE TOLD . . . I SEE WHAT YOU DO!Love You AllAnita Friesen (daughter of Godelieve VanMaele)

In this week’s episode, join us for a conversation with Jennifer Cornell, Director of Long-Term Care and Seniors Services with the County of Grey.  We delve into Jennifer's journey of transforming care communities, focusing on quality care initiatives, team development, and resident-centered approaches. With a fiery passion for improving the lives of residents and supporting their families, Jennifer discusses their innovative programs, including the "Colour It Your Way" philosophy and the Designated Care Partner Program. You’re going to hear some incredible practical approaches Jennifer uses, such as a Pro Attention Plan that includes a co-design approach with families. She also shares ways to respond (versus react) to complaints and her tea chats (and it’s not about the tea.) You’ll also hear how she incorporates the ABC strategy to build trust with families.Both staff working in seniors’ care and families will get great insights from this conversation with Jennifer, through her candid and down to earth reflections and strategies.   Connect with Jennifer Cornell and discover more about her work at the County of Grey by visiting their website at www.grey.ca/long-term-care  or reaching out via email at jcornell@grey.ca You can find out more about me and the work I do at DeborahBakti.com or email me at Deborah@DeborahBakti.com. I’d love to hear from you!

In this conversation with Fraser Wilson, he shares an inspiring and doable roadmap to building community connections, based on his newly released book Achievable: A Simple and Proven Way to Create a Culture of Possibility and Potential. You’ll hear practical ways Fraser led a team of seniors’ care homes to “Rise Above the Regs” and create a culture where residents, families and staff can live into their potential, by putting people first.Whether you’re a staff member, leader or a family member with a loved one in care, you’ll be inspired by the many stories Fraser shares where people exemplified “Making Others More”. I have no doubt you’ll gain a few ideas that you can bring to your workplace or loved ones’ home and create possibility and potential.You can learn more about Fraser at AchievableCulture.comYou can reach Fraser at Fraser@AchievableCulture.comYou can purchase Achievable: A Simple and Proven Way to Create a Culture of Possibility and Potential here  Fraser's bio:Fraser Wilson - Visionary Leader. Author. Talent Enabler. He’s the author of forthcoming book: Achievable. A Simple and Proven Way to Create a Culture of Possibility and Potential.Fraser’s personal motto is “Making Other More.” He has a deep desire to improve the lives of leaders and frontline team members by sharing a simple, more impactful way to enable people to live into their potential and achieve exceptional outcomes. He was owner and CEO of OMNI Health Care which had 16 long-term care homes and 1,500 employees. He sold it in 2007 to a private equity firm based on its culture, brand, and financial performance. In 2017, he joined Chartwell Retirement Residence as Vice President of Long-Term Care Operations where he was responsible for 27 homes and 5,000 employees. While there, his team won awards within the company and in the sector. They accomplished a 15 percent increase in resident very satisfied score, and a 7.5 percent increase in employee very engaged score in the two years. And they were gaining momentum, until the pandemic hit in March 2020.In his second year with Chartwell, he was awarded Executive of the Year. He has also served on the Board of Director of the Ontario Long Term Care Association for more than 15 years and has been its Chair. He knows what it takes to be a leader who inspires and motivates people in a sector that is heavily regulated, over scrutinized, underfunded, and chastised by the media. You can find out more about me and the work I do at DeborahBakti.com or email me at Deborah@DeborahBakti.com. I’d love to hear from you.

In this episode, I chat with Sam Peck and Liane Pelissier from Family Councils Ontario (FCO) You’ll hear how they define the role of a family council within long term, care, as well as some misconceptions about the role of family councils, from both the home and family perspective. You’ll also hear how FCO is focused on helping homes rebuild the trust between families and staff, as we continue to recover from the last few years. You’ll also hear some interesting perspectives on conflict and ways to work through the frustration and misunderstandings to achieve more collaboration and partnership. Whether you work in a home or at the corporate level, or are a family or a family council member, this conversation will give you insights and clarity around the power of partnership with your family council.Here are the bio’s for this episode’s guests:Sam Peck, Executive Director Family Councils OntarioSam (she/her) is passionate about helping people and groups achieve their goals. In her 15 years with Family Councils Ontario (formerly Family Councils’ Program) she has supported thousands of family members and long-term care home staff to improve their work to achieve the best possible outcomes and meaningful impacts. In her role as Executive Director, she focuses on building and maintaining relationships with funders, stakeholders, and interconnected organizations to carry out activities that support FCO's mission & develop strategies that enable the organization to create positive change within the long-term care sector.Sam holds an Honours B.A. from York University. A dedicated lifelong learner, she also holds Advanced Client-Directed Case Management and Volunteer Management post-graduate certificates from Humber College, Project Management Certificate from the University of Toronto, a Masters Certificate in Adult Training and Development from the Schulich Executive Education Centre, and is currently working on a Voluntary Sector Management Certificate from Ryerson University.In her spare time, Sam is an avid athlete, reader, volunteer, and sci-fi fan. Fun fact: she has 3 cats!Liane Pelissier, Client Services Manager with Family Councils Ontario. Liane has been with FCO for 2 years. She is passionate about Making a Difference and helping others, but most particularly those living, working and family members in LTC. She has 19.5 years of experience of working in a LTC home as a Resident and Family Services Coordinator, helping support residents and families as they transitioned into LTC. Part of her role was being the Staff Liaison for the home’s Family Council. Her years of experience helped her to develop great skills in communicating with and supporting families, residents, and staff in LTC. Liane holds a background in Social Work. She is also Pieces and U-first Trained. She is a certified Gentle Persuasive Approach Coach through Behavioural Specialist of Ontario. Through the years she has gained knowledge, experience and training in Palliative Care, Customer Service and Person Centered Care Approach. Throughout her career in LTC she has been involved in Strategic Planning, Goal Planning, Accreditation and Ministry Compliance. In her personal life, Liane loves to spend time with her family creating memories.You can find Family Councils Ontario at www.fco.ngoYou can reach Sam at speck@fgo.ngo and Liane at Liane.Pelissier@fco.ngoYou can find out more about me and the work I do at DeborahBakti.com or email me at Deborah@DeborahBakti.com. I’d love to hear from you.

In this episode I chat with Sandra Boyd about her experience navigating Retirement and Assisted Living with her parents and in-laws. We dive into the ups and downs of her family’s journey, with Sandra bringing in both personal and business perspectives. Sandra shares practical insights based on her experience. She talks about what went well, what could have been better, and how care providers can learn from it all – the challenges, the missed chances for building relationships, and the positive impacts they can make.For family members dealing with similar situations, Sandra offers straightforward advice to help you navigate your caregiving journey more successfully.Join us for a down-to-earth conversation about the realities of seniors’ care, packed with valuable takeaways from a family who’s been through it.About Sandra BoydSandra is the Managing Director of Organizational and Talent Development at B. Riley Farber. She brings over 25 years in the leadership & talent development space, spending the last 15 years in leadership roles for nationally recognized human capital firms. Sandra is the published author of 2 books, research papers, articles and columns in national and international magazines and newspapers. Her key passion is helping leaders and employees elevate performance through connection.Currently, Sandra is a Board Member of the East Wellington Family Health Team. She is also a former Board Member of Career Star Group, a global leader in career transition, leadership and coaching.You can find out more about me and the work I do at DeborahBakti.com or email me at Deborah@DeborahBakti.com. I’d love to hear from you.

One of the contributors to friction between families and staff in seniors’ care are the narratives (aka limiting beliefs, assumptions, and stories) that both bring to the relationship. In today’s episode, I spill the beans on these narratives that I’ve heard from both families andcare team members, how they can create the problems we’d most like to avoid – friction, frustration and conflict.I share how curiosity can be an antidote to judgment and ways for staff and families to communicate more effectively and play a role in rewriting these narratives, to create a more empowering and supportive connection.Resources:Lori Gottlieb TED talk “How changing your story can change your life”LINK: https://www.ted.com/talks/lori_gottlieb_how_changing_your_story_can_change_your_life?language=enQuestions shared on this episode to help rewrite these narratives:Internal questions with your teamWhat do you want your families to know and believe about your home and staff?What’s the narrative you want to move away from? What’s the narrative you’re movingtoward? (eg Us versus Them to Us with Them)What are the positive narratives that families have about your home and team? Howcan you share those stories more broadly to help shape new family perceptions andexperiences?Staff can ask families:Would love to better understand your understanding and familiarity with seniors’ care. Can you tell me a bit about what you know or have experienced already with seniors’ care?What perceptions do you have about the seniors care?What are you looking forward to?What are you most worried about?What’s most important to you?What do you need to feel like you’ve made the best decision moving your loved one here?How are YOU feeling about this big change in your life right now?How can we support you as a family member, going through a stressful and challenging time?Families can be proactive and share with staff:"I want to share a few things about where we’re at with moving our loved one into your home – to help us get started right from the start"What your hopes are with moving your loved one hereWhat are you most worried about (what’s keeping you up at night)What’s most important to youWhat would be most helpful to you, as a family member new to this communityYou can also share: "here are some of the narratives I have about seniors’ care – think it’s helpful to share and would love your perspective"This is how I’M feeling about this big life changeYou can find out more about me and the work I do at DeborahBakti.com or email me at Deborah@DeborahBakti.com.I’d love to hear from you.

In this episode of "The Empathy Exchange," host Deborah Bakti engages in a profound conversation with Edy Nathan, author of "It's Grief: The Dance of Self Discovery through Trauma and Loss." Drawing on their experiences of supporting senior care staff and families through grief, burnout, and trauma, Deborah and Edy explore the intricate dynamics of identity shifts within families as their loved ones transition into a senior care environment.The discussion delves deep into the often unnoticed realm of grief in the family experience, unraveling the layers of emotions that accompany the shift from a caretaker role to that of a partner in care. Edy shares her unique perspective on grief, describing it as a hunger or yearning for something missing, particularly in the context of loss of trust and the realization of personal limitations. The conversation extends to the care team members, shedding light on the overlooked grief they experience when residents pass away and the long-term emotional effects that may surface years after a crisis.Together, Deborah and Edy explore practical steps for creating an empathy exchange within the seniors care community, emphasizing the importance of small, meaningful moments, self-care, and the power of sharing experiences with a trusted confidant.Tune in to gain valuable insights into the nuanced world of grief, burnout, and trauma in seniors care, and discover how fostering empathy can be a transformative force in navigating these challenging experiences.You can find out more about me and the work I do at DeborahBakti.com or email me at Deborah@DeborahBakti.com Edy Nathan offers a new way to think about tangling with potent adversaries. Yes, New York University in New York City and Fordham University for master degrees. She is a certified clinical social worker whose goal is to help people transform their lives, identifying tools tointerrupt the silence and long term affects burnout, grief and trauma have within the structure of long-term care homes and hospices. One person at a time. One step at a time. Changing the business of health care as it enters a new realm of care.You can find Edy at EdyNathan.com

In this episode of The Empathy Exchange, we delve into the emotional tapestry of the admission process. Mary’s story becomes a lens through which we explore shared family and staff experiences. Unveiling three impactful gaps - knowledge, emotion and identity - I guide you through key insights.The knowledge gap reveals misconceptions families often have about seniors’ care, highlighting the need for education and support. We navigate the emotion gap, exploring the complex feelings of guilt, grief and relief that families grapple with. The identity gap is explored as families transition from caregivers to partners in care. Personal anecdotes and stories add depth, emphasizing the power of empathy in navigating these intricate emotions. Join us as we collectively bridge these gaps and make the admission journey more relational and less transactional for families and care team members. Please join The Empathy Exchange community as a listener of this podcast by subscribing and sharing with colleagues and families. You can find out more about me and the work I do at DeborahBakti.com, or email me at Deborah@DeborahBakti.com

Welcome to the first episode of The Empathy Exchange.In this episode, I open up about my own experience working in seniors’ care and becoming a residents’ family member three times, with my dad, husband and mom, and how those journeys inspired me to shift out of my decades-long corporate career to a mission-driven focus to help strengthen the staff and family dynamic in seniors’ care.Listen in as I share why I chose The Empathy Exchange as the title and platform to explore the essential relationship between seniors’ care providers and residents’ family members, and how they have more in common than we may realize.You’ll hear a couple of stories that bring to life the Empathy Exchange between care team members and families, helping to bridge gaps and foster understanding, all to achieve the shared purpose of providing the best possible quality of life and care for the resident/loved one.As we wrap up this first episode, please join The Empathy Exchange community as a listener of this podcast by subscribing and sharing with colleagues and families. You can find out more about me and the work I do at DeborahBakti.com, or email me at Deborah@DeborahBakti.com

This podcast is specifically crafted for seniors care leaders, staff, and the families of residents, who share the common goal of the best possible care for their loved one who is now a member of a seniors care community. It's about the ever-important, but often tumultuous relationship between seniors care staff and management, and the families of residents. Join host Deborah Bakti – a former executive in seniors care for 11 years, and a family member three times over, with her dad, mom, and husband all having lived as residents. She’s seen what it’s like on both sides.In each episode, we'll explore both the family and staff perspectives, shedding light on the emotions, expectations, and sometimes the disappointments that arise from the friction in these relationships. Through heartfelt conversations, personal anecdotes, and expert insights, we aim to foster a deeper understanding of the diverse perspectives that shape senior care environments.Subscribe and join us every second Tuesday for a new episode. For more information on Deborah Bakti, visit deborahbakti.com.